And I'll cover you....
First off, let me say I love Jessie L Martin. If I could find him and marry him, I would...even if he was a bad kisser..
I've realized so much about myself in the past month that I've been single. And honestly I think its something thats been REALLY good for me. I've spent my time being caught jumping from guy to guy, I've never really focused on me. I was the one thing that I was avoiding. And that seems really odd to me now. I know, throughout life, I've always been told "worry about Colleen". And its always seemed like a ridiculous line of thought. You HAVE to think about other people. Yes, I realize that they were trying to tell me to put myself first. But I've never seen how that can be done. There are just so many people in this world who hurt, and who just need SOMEONE to talk to, or whatever. And I was also that person for so many people. And now, I still am, but I realize that I can do both.
I've spent most of my teenage years believing that I was someone really strong. Sure, I went through a "dark time", but it made me who I am. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, right? So I hid my pain and I just took on everyone else's problems. But what I didn't realize was, I had this idea that I was strong and stubborn, when in reality, I was just a pushover. I've let so many things pass me by because I didn't want to tell someone no, or you really shouldn't do that. I let too many people get away with too many things because I was "taking the high road", or some other dumb reason.
I've so much emotion in me, and the only emotions I ever really let people see was sympathy or happiness. But there was so much more in my life. Yeah there were the times when I couldn't keep that mask up anymore, but mostly I held that facade in place as long as I could.
And now, I'm putting this all in here because my mind is so cluttered with just so much right now. I finally feel like I'm becoming the person I was actually supposed to be. I feel like I've finally learned to stand on my own two feet. And its one of the best feelings of my life.
Somewhere in time, I realized that people, as a whole, are flakey. Time and time again, I've been disappointed by person after person. But I've still felt like I needed them in my life. And while, for some people its true, its not a constant for me. And I know this drives some people nuts. There are times that I need to go and sit alone somewhere and have it be me and my emotions. Yet, I never realized how independent I really was when Mike and John told me. I love my friends more than anything else in the world, and they know that if I NEED them, I'll go to them. And I didn't realize it until right now, that very few people do this. Most people will go immediately to someone else. I'll hold it all in. The things I get from my father...
I don't know where I got all my little habits that I've picked up along the way. How did I become the girl I am? Does anyone really like this person? Will anyone really care when I decide to change myself?
I really feel like this person sitting here typing this all out, isn't someone who has existed before. I really don't think I've changed to drastically as a whole, but things just seem more clear to me. Everything feels more real, and everything from the past feels like a dream. And I don't know where this realization of self came from. I know they'll probably keep happening throughout my life. But I think this is my first big one as an adult.
I've realized so much about myself in the past month that I've been single. And honestly I think its something thats been REALLY good for me. I've spent my time being caught jumping from guy to guy, I've never really focused on me. I was the one thing that I was avoiding. And that seems really odd to me now. I know, throughout life, I've always been told "worry about Colleen". And its always seemed like a ridiculous line of thought. You HAVE to think about other people. Yes, I realize that they were trying to tell me to put myself first. But I've never seen how that can be done. There are just so many people in this world who hurt, and who just need SOMEONE to talk to, or whatever. And I was also that person for so many people. And now, I still am, but I realize that I can do both.
I've spent most of my teenage years believing that I was someone really strong. Sure, I went through a "dark time", but it made me who I am. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, right? So I hid my pain and I just took on everyone else's problems. But what I didn't realize was, I had this idea that I was strong and stubborn, when in reality, I was just a pushover. I've let so many things pass me by because I didn't want to tell someone no, or you really shouldn't do that. I let too many people get away with too many things because I was "taking the high road", or some other dumb reason.
I've so much emotion in me, and the only emotions I ever really let people see was sympathy or happiness. But there was so much more in my life. Yeah there were the times when I couldn't keep that mask up anymore, but mostly I held that facade in place as long as I could.
And now, I'm putting this all in here because my mind is so cluttered with just so much right now. I finally feel like I'm becoming the person I was actually supposed to be. I feel like I've finally learned to stand on my own two feet. And its one of the best feelings of my life.
Somewhere in time, I realized that people, as a whole, are flakey. Time and time again, I've been disappointed by person after person. But I've still felt like I needed them in my life. And while, for some people its true, its not a constant for me. And I know this drives some people nuts. There are times that I need to go and sit alone somewhere and have it be me and my emotions. Yet, I never realized how independent I really was when Mike and John told me. I love my friends more than anything else in the world, and they know that if I NEED them, I'll go to them. And I didn't realize it until right now, that very few people do this. Most people will go immediately to someone else. I'll hold it all in. The things I get from my father...
I don't know where I got all my little habits that I've picked up along the way. How did I become the girl I am? Does anyone really like this person? Will anyone really care when I decide to change myself?
I really feel like this person sitting here typing this all out, isn't someone who has existed before. I really don't think I've changed to drastically as a whole, but things just seem more clear to me. Everything feels more real, and everything from the past feels like a dream. And I don't know where this realization of self came from. I know they'll probably keep happening throughout my life. But I think this is my first big one as an adult.