In Time You'll Know Enough To Know Better...
So, have you ever gotten the feeling that you're really not who you say you are? More or less you're just some one that's trying to make everyone else happy and are not concerned enough about yourself? Better yet, maybe it's those "friends" that say they will always be there for you that are causing you all your distress. And everyone knows that no matter what you do, nothing will change and it won't mean a thing to anyone else but you and your over analytical self. Bah! Frustrating, no?
I bet you're all saying, "Wow, when the hell isn't he bitching about this?" but I guess it's the only thing that makes me feel better. I can't bother to burden some one else with any of this because they either don't care or have their own problems and this is my last resort. How sad. An internet journal. It is my one sole companion that listens to everything I say and won't talk back. If only life were this easy.
I mean, whatever happened to Freshman year when Mike was my best friend and I could always count on us to be there for one another? What about those nights when all of us got together and hung out? "The Gang" has been long since forgotten and it shows. No one is connected to one another anymore. So many people are more concerned with themselves, that no one else matters. Albeit there are exceptions to that, but that takes things down a completely different path. I mean, when you look to the past and realize that you've had so many good things happen, what went wrong? Longing for yesterday is apparently taboo.
The one small glimmer of hope in my life at the moment is the fact that I was accepted to Penn State on Tuesday. Finally, recognition of my hard work in High School has paid off. And for what? To now go through my Senior year miserable and in pain because everything around me has begun to fall apart. Adrienne tells me that she doesn't want me to leave. I believe that. She says it's better to leave things on the right foot, don't live with regrets. I say it's so much easier to forget the pain from your past when you don't have to worry about what you're leaving behind. And I say that, but I'm lying to myself. I will miss everyone more than anything, but right now, I can't handle it. I can't handle not having a grasp on the things around me. At this point, I find it better to just let go than tread through it. And the enigma ensues.
Honestly, I don't even know why I am writing any of this in here. I guess I hope that some one will read it. I'm pretty sure that at this point it has gone far beyond any reasonable discussion and I'm left to wallow in what's left of my self worth. If only talking to Mike, or anyone for that matter, was a worth while experience. I feel that I am so disconnected from everyone that I should just seperate myself and move on. There are greener pastures out there, right? God, I hope so.
Is it wrong to say that I've had more fun with a few "new" friends in the past few weeks than I have with my supposive "clique" in the past few months? And I blame myself. I've concealed myself to everyone close to me because they've hurt me so many times. I'm not confortable with them anymore. That or I feel that we've completely lost contact with one another. It's sad. I miss people.
Oh well. It's getting to the point where I'm just rambling now. I've wasted yet another night doing nothing. Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow. I know that this could all be resolved and we could have an amazing senior year, but I can't do it alone. The sad thing is that I am all alone and it shows.