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I am so angry with myself right now. I don't know why, but Kenny has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't miss him, I actually don't even like him much anymore. Just the more I think about him and the better my relationship get's with Justin, the more I realize how bad it was with Kenny. He wasn't a good boyfriend, and he wasn't really even a good person. He was really an ass, an ass that I couldn't see through. Maybe that's why he's on my mind lately, because I'm upset with myself for it taking this long to see through the shallow asshole he really is. Because he was a very big asshole. He wasn't very considerate, and he really did make me feel like shit. Sure, I was the one who allowed him to do that to me, and I know I'm at fault for it, but he still did it too. For someone he claimed to love he sure did hurt me a lot.
I hate that it took me this long to see what I did to myself while I was with him. I wish it wasn't this bad, I wish I'd been a stronger person. But I wasn't, and I can't change the past no matter how much I would like to. I despratly want this relationship I'm in now to work out. Justin is wonderful, there's no doubt about that. I'm just a little scared that I'm doing the same thing to myself again. It has nothing to do with Justin, this is all me here. I'm just scared that I'm going to allow myself to get hurt again, and as much as I don't think he will, I can still be scared that it might.
It's hell week this week, and it's going to be a real hell week. There is still so much left to do with this show, I'm getting a little nervous that it might not all get pulled off in time. I'm sure it will, we have till Friday, but I'm still getting nervous. The set isn't completely finished, almost none of the special effects are working yet, the lighting is faulty and the sound board isn't even set up yet. I know I don't need to be worrying about any of this, as I'm not on a crew, I'm an actor, but I still worry about it. Even though I'm in the show, I'm still a techie, and I remember what it was like during Oliver. That show was hell, and we didn't have nearly the special effects that we have in this one. Sure, we had a dog in Oliver, but that was managable. Let's just say I'm a bit worried.
I took an A&P test today, the third out of four. Hopefully I did well, I felt decent about the test. I'm just hoping I didn't get yet another 70-something. The last two tests in there I got a 77 and a 70. No, I didn't fail, but I don't get 70s. I don't like getting lower than a 85, and even that's pushing it. I just hope I did better, that's all.
I hate that it took me this long to see what I did to myself while I was with him. I wish it wasn't this bad, I wish I'd been a stronger person. But I wasn't, and I can't change the past no matter how much I would like to. I despratly want this relationship I'm in now to work out. Justin is wonderful, there's no doubt about that. I'm just a little scared that I'm doing the same thing to myself again. It has nothing to do with Justin, this is all me here. I'm just scared that I'm going to allow myself to get hurt again, and as much as I don't think he will, I can still be scared that it might.
It's hell week this week, and it's going to be a real hell week. There is still so much left to do with this show, I'm getting a little nervous that it might not all get pulled off in time. I'm sure it will, we have till Friday, but I'm still getting nervous. The set isn't completely finished, almost none of the special effects are working yet, the lighting is faulty and the sound board isn't even set up yet. I know I don't need to be worrying about any of this, as I'm not on a crew, I'm an actor, but I still worry about it. Even though I'm in the show, I'm still a techie, and I remember what it was like during Oliver. That show was hell, and we didn't have nearly the special effects that we have in this one. Sure, we had a dog in Oliver, but that was managable. Let's just say I'm a bit worried.
I took an A&P test today, the third out of four. Hopefully I did well, I felt decent about the test. I'm just hoping I didn't get yet another 70-something. The last two tests in there I got a 77 and a 70. No, I didn't fail, but I don't get 70s. I don't like getting lower than a 85, and even that's pushing it. I just hope I did better, that's all.