And silently gets harder to ignore.
Is this a feeling that all humans have? If raised by impartial guardians, would one feel lonely for the lack of parents? Having had parents, and then no longer having them, I feel... so alone. I never felt like this before, not all these years. It's been at least 4 years since I've had parents who actually took care of me, and not the other way around. And around 3 since I've had any at all. Has it really taken all these years for this feeling or realization to sink in? Was it time?, or an accumulation of small kind gestures from parents who were not my own? Do all orphans come to feel this way, and can I really be called an orphan, having had parents for the first 13 years of my life?
Maybe it's because of the circumstances... I'll be eighteen in just less than 2 weeks, a pivotal age at which point one no longer requires parents. And my life is getting ready to take many other turns of the sort that usually indicate the process of becoming an adult. Adults are not supposed to need parents... bu am I, perhaps, not yet ready to become an adult? Such a confusing thing-- I want more than anything for these adult-indicating things to come to me. I feel I'm ready for them, or that I will be made ready for them by neccessity. Yet... this thing I feel... It's...
It's a need, a need to be taken care of.
Some of my siblings, it seems, have felt this too. Stevie is wandering guidelessly through this earth, bitter at our biological parents for never having been there. Diane is close to starting her own family, maybe partially because she's so desperate to make what she was never given. But that's assuming on both parts. I can't say what they feel, just that this understanding is starting to come to me.
I just want it, so desperately. Something real to hold on to, something I know won't break apart in this tumultuous time known as life. Or ever after, even. I just want security. I want a promise that things will be fine, even though I know they will. I want... to be able to let my guard down for just the moment it takes to smile.
These unspeakable words are what I want. This is what I truly want.
Maybe it's because of the circumstances... I'll be eighteen in just less than 2 weeks, a pivotal age at which point one no longer requires parents. And my life is getting ready to take many other turns of the sort that usually indicate the process of becoming an adult. Adults are not supposed to need parents... bu am I, perhaps, not yet ready to become an adult? Such a confusing thing-- I want more than anything for these adult-indicating things to come to me. I feel I'm ready for them, or that I will be made ready for them by neccessity. Yet... this thing I feel... It's...
It's a need, a need to be taken care of.
Some of my siblings, it seems, have felt this too. Stevie is wandering guidelessly through this earth, bitter at our biological parents for never having been there. Diane is close to starting her own family, maybe partially because she's so desperate to make what she was never given. But that's assuming on both parts. I can't say what they feel, just that this understanding is starting to come to me.
I just want it, so desperately. Something real to hold on to, something I know won't break apart in this tumultuous time known as life. Or ever after, even. I just want security. I want a promise that things will be fine, even though I know they will. I want... to be able to let my guard down for just the moment it takes to smile.
These unspeakable words are what I want. This is what I truly want.