(no subject)
So, I haven't updated a while, but this is what's been going on.
Two weekends ago, I had the best weekend ever. I spent Thursday through Sunday nights in Athens and had a freaking blast. I hung out with most of my favorite people and helped Nathan celebrate his birthday in style.
And then I came home to this. Hours of looking for jobs online, going to places and applying in person, and checking up on previous applications, all to get the universal "we'll call you" or "you aren't what we're looking for" or "we aren't hiring." (Or to get no reply at times, either). So what is wrong with me, I ask. Let's see... Not only did I graduate in three years with two, count them, TWO majors, but I also was in numerous extracurricular activities. My last semester at college was spent usually on campus from 9am or earlier, sometimes, to, at times, 11:30pm. Many times during the other semesters at school I pulled similar stints on campus. So, I know it's not lack of education or extracurriculars. It might be the lack of working during college, but that's why I include my extracurriculars on my resume. Now, I know that it is supposed to take an average of six months to get a professional job, but when the Gap won't hire me, it makes me wonder...
So, then I'm thinking it must be because I'm ugly. While not the most attractive man alive, I have seen uglier men, in my opinion, working at the retail stores I've applied at. Also, I have seen some heinous men working at restraunts, but maybe they have experience? So I don't think it's the "I'm ugly" thing...
It really is a vicious cycle--You must have experience to have a job, but you can't have experience unless you have a job. Like an Actor's Union card, sort of...
So, last weekend, I went back up to Athens and tried my hardest to have fun. The Dashboard concert was great, Chris Carabba singing mostly solo and accousticly, but that was about it. I think that listening to one of main proponents of emo music made me really think about some things (how lame and cliche, oh, and he was a main proponent in making emo popular, should I say...). So, I faked being happy and content the rest of the weekend in Athens when I really wanted to be at home with a marathon of some retarded show so I wouldn't have to think about anything. I hate feeling very introspective at times because at times I hate myself or my position and feel powerless to change my situation, even though I know that's bullshit. So I did come home, had a long shower at 3am, and then watched a movie until I fell asleep.
So on Sunday night I picked my sister up from the airport and had a CD that I made for her... guess who doesn't even know where her CD is because she has never listened to it... my sister. She has a short story of mine I wanted her to read and comment on for over three months and she still hasn't read it. She DID read my shitty poetry, I found out, when she picked up my writer's portfolio from Intro to Creative Writing when I had to have her pick it up because I was out of Athens for the break, but that was forced and shitty poetry and she had promised me she wouldn't read it. I just feel that she doesn't ever do what I ask her to do or appreciate what I do for her, but she does what I want her to not do and gets mad when I can't bend my life to everything that she wants me to do.
Another thing that's on my mind is that I don't know what I want to do with my life. This occured as I just took a break from the internet and watched Commander in Chief off of Tivo with my mom. The son in the show, Horace, was in two of my classes (and I sat next to Matt in one of them!). It makes me upset that a fellow drama major knows what he wants to do in life and is persuing it and I don't know if I want to act, at all, anymore (for a job) and I have been at a stalwart postition in my life. I think that I want to be a writer, but I've had the worst case of writer's block the past few weeks (well, actually since I drove home from California, where I "wrote" for the last time in awhile by dictating to myself... brilliant idea, ps, Chris). I don't know... I actually looked into grad schools for like, five hours yesterday. I just am not sure what I'd go for; it would not make much sense to pay a lot of money for either acting or writing because you have less of a job market with that than you would with a buisness or law degree. And then where to go... I have a few schools picked out, but I should focus on the GRE first before even looking at schools, ya know?
And I've been wondering about love. What are my thoughts on it? Well, seeing as how many of my friends are engaged or in somewhat healthy relationships, I've been thinking more about it because I've never even had a long-term relationship. It just seems that many LONG relationships, to me, aren't that happy. My parents seem to be the exception. They love each other and are best friends. I think that's the trick--they're best friends first, spouses second. I don't know what I think about it, though. I have been in love before, but then I don't really have anything to judge it against, so it's like I don't have a...right(?) to a valid opinion on it, but of course I have my own opinion on it. I know what I know and I have experienced what I experienced--I can't change my life in the past or what it was or meant to me, but in hindsight, is it as important to me as it was or is it more important? I think I don't really know right now because I'm too apathetic to care. Or do I really care and not want to admit to myself what I think about it--that maybe love isn't real, that maybe it's just a transitory state of hormones, emotions, and mutual connections on different levels.
And then Eric and I had this conversation:
me: i'm not suicidal, so don't think it that way, but i sometimes wonder what people would do if i died.
me: (not suicide died, jsut died)
me: i feel like it wouldn't matter after a year.
me: i feel like some people would cry at the funeral
me: and some people would be genuinely sad
me: but it's like, a year after I died, what would people think of me?
me: would they still be sad?
me: would they even think of me?
me: or would they just be like "eh, I remember parker... so, what's for dinner?"
eric: you know i wonder that about most people (myself included) unless they are direct family or bff, do we as people ever really remember or think much about ones whom died
eric: i odly think about the same thing every so often
eric: i always have thought about what if you or amy or kim or someone close died, and it makes me sad but i think about it and think how sad i would be
me: i think everyone does
me: and i think it's healthy
me: i would be devestated if either of you died
me: or even if like just an aquantice died, i think i'd be affected
me: but then i feel like i am a very overly emotional person on the inside
me: i think about beth rhim quite often, and i barely knew her
me: i don't even know if my name would ring a bell to her if she were still alive, you know?
me: but still, it makes me so upset to think about at times.
eric: yes
So what's with the weird notion of death? Well, I had another tear. It wasn't a cry, though I wish it was, but I was watching last week's Nip/Tuck and when the woman went to talk to her husband that had Alzheimer's after her plastic surgery, I was just reminded of my grandmother, a woman I barely remember, who had that disease. I just wanted to bawl, and a tear naturaly fell, but that's all I could muster for her. That's it. THAT IS PATHETIC! Why can't I cry for someone I cared for deeply? Maybe it's because she died when I was very young, but she was the only grandmother I knew and I did love her and my grandfather. Why can I not cry for her or him? I just don't even know if I would cry for a friend or family member at their funeral. I would like to think I would, even if for some emotional catharsis for myself, but I don't know I would. I hope it's not because I'm self-indulgent or self-obsessed, but because I'm emotionally fucked up. I just don't have proper emotions at time.
Another problem in my life--and I promise this is the last one before my comment on the quote in my next paragraph--is that I am on so much Lunesta because I can't sleep that I wake up groggy. I get up at 8 and sleep usually till noon or one. Not usually, just the past week, but it's knocking me out. It's making me not want to do anything and when I finally do start to look for jobs online, I sometimes just stare blankly at my computer till the screensaver comes on, then I stare at the black screen when that comes on. I stopped taking it last night, but I am still physically exhausted from it. I guess I should never rely on pills to sleep. If accutain had not messed my liver up (in combination with my drinking habits at times), I would drink a glass of red wine before bed every night to see if it worked, but who knows if that would even work at all. I guess I'll know come December when my last pill is out of my system.
"My life has become a boring pop song and everyone's singing along."--Jack's Mannequin. As cliche as that might be, I feel like my self-obsessed journey into my shitty mood is like that--I feel like it's just the banal lyrics to a banal song and everyone else feels the same way at some point in their life, so they're "singing along." But I feel like that's a singular moment when music touches me unexpectedly (Jack's Mannequin touched me on a personal level? I'd never think that because it's not the "kind of music" you would think would affect you perosnally). But, it did. I just feel so lifeless and small right now.
Two weekends ago, I had the best weekend ever. I spent Thursday through Sunday nights in Athens and had a freaking blast. I hung out with most of my favorite people and helped Nathan celebrate his birthday in style.
And then I came home to this. Hours of looking for jobs online, going to places and applying in person, and checking up on previous applications, all to get the universal "we'll call you" or "you aren't what we're looking for" or "we aren't hiring." (Or to get no reply at times, either). So what is wrong with me, I ask. Let's see... Not only did I graduate in three years with two, count them, TWO majors, but I also was in numerous extracurricular activities. My last semester at college was spent usually on campus from 9am or earlier, sometimes, to, at times, 11:30pm. Many times during the other semesters at school I pulled similar stints on campus. So, I know it's not lack of education or extracurriculars. It might be the lack of working during college, but that's why I include my extracurriculars on my resume. Now, I know that it is supposed to take an average of six months to get a professional job, but when the Gap won't hire me, it makes me wonder...
So, then I'm thinking it must be because I'm ugly. While not the most attractive man alive, I have seen uglier men, in my opinion, working at the retail stores I've applied at. Also, I have seen some heinous men working at restraunts, but maybe they have experience? So I don't think it's the "I'm ugly" thing...
It really is a vicious cycle--You must have experience to have a job, but you can't have experience unless you have a job. Like an Actor's Union card, sort of...
So, last weekend, I went back up to Athens and tried my hardest to have fun. The Dashboard concert was great, Chris Carabba singing mostly solo and accousticly, but that was about it. I think that listening to one of main proponents of emo music made me really think about some things (how lame and cliche, oh, and he was a main proponent in making emo popular, should I say...). So, I faked being happy and content the rest of the weekend in Athens when I really wanted to be at home with a marathon of some retarded show so I wouldn't have to think about anything. I hate feeling very introspective at times because at times I hate myself or my position and feel powerless to change my situation, even though I know that's bullshit. So I did come home, had a long shower at 3am, and then watched a movie until I fell asleep.
So on Sunday night I picked my sister up from the airport and had a CD that I made for her... guess who doesn't even know where her CD is because she has never listened to it... my sister. She has a short story of mine I wanted her to read and comment on for over three months and she still hasn't read it. She DID read my shitty poetry, I found out, when she picked up my writer's portfolio from Intro to Creative Writing when I had to have her pick it up because I was out of Athens for the break, but that was forced and shitty poetry and she had promised me she wouldn't read it. I just feel that she doesn't ever do what I ask her to do or appreciate what I do for her, but she does what I want her to not do and gets mad when I can't bend my life to everything that she wants me to do.
Another thing that's on my mind is that I don't know what I want to do with my life. This occured as I just took a break from the internet and watched Commander in Chief off of Tivo with my mom. The son in the show, Horace, was in two of my classes (and I sat next to Matt in one of them!). It makes me upset that a fellow drama major knows what he wants to do in life and is persuing it and I don't know if I want to act, at all, anymore (for a job) and I have been at a stalwart postition in my life. I think that I want to be a writer, but I've had the worst case of writer's block the past few weeks (well, actually since I drove home from California, where I "wrote" for the last time in awhile by dictating to myself... brilliant idea, ps, Chris). I don't know... I actually looked into grad schools for like, five hours yesterday. I just am not sure what I'd go for; it would not make much sense to pay a lot of money for either acting or writing because you have less of a job market with that than you would with a buisness or law degree. And then where to go... I have a few schools picked out, but I should focus on the GRE first before even looking at schools, ya know?
And I've been wondering about love. What are my thoughts on it? Well, seeing as how many of my friends are engaged or in somewhat healthy relationships, I've been thinking more about it because I've never even had a long-term relationship. It just seems that many LONG relationships, to me, aren't that happy. My parents seem to be the exception. They love each other and are best friends. I think that's the trick--they're best friends first, spouses second. I don't know what I think about it, though. I have been in love before, but then I don't really have anything to judge it against, so it's like I don't have a...right(?) to a valid opinion on it, but of course I have my own opinion on it. I know what I know and I have experienced what I experienced--I can't change my life in the past or what it was or meant to me, but in hindsight, is it as important to me as it was or is it more important? I think I don't really know right now because I'm too apathetic to care. Or do I really care and not want to admit to myself what I think about it--that maybe love isn't real, that maybe it's just a transitory state of hormones, emotions, and mutual connections on different levels.
And then Eric and I had this conversation:
me: i'm not suicidal, so don't think it that way, but i sometimes wonder what people would do if i died.
me: (not suicide died, jsut died)
me: i feel like it wouldn't matter after a year.
me: i feel like some people would cry at the funeral
me: and some people would be genuinely sad
me: but it's like, a year after I died, what would people think of me?
me: would they still be sad?
me: would they even think of me?
me: or would they just be like "eh, I remember parker... so, what's for dinner?"
eric: you know i wonder that about most people (myself included) unless they are direct family or bff, do we as people ever really remember or think much about ones whom died
eric: i odly think about the same thing every so often
eric: i always have thought about what if you or amy or kim or someone close died, and it makes me sad but i think about it and think how sad i would be
me: i think everyone does
me: and i think it's healthy
me: i would be devestated if either of you died
me: or even if like just an aquantice died, i think i'd be affected
me: but then i feel like i am a very overly emotional person on the inside
me: i think about beth rhim quite often, and i barely knew her
me: i don't even know if my name would ring a bell to her if she were still alive, you know?
me: but still, it makes me so upset to think about at times.
eric: yes
So what's with the weird notion of death? Well, I had another tear. It wasn't a cry, though I wish it was, but I was watching last week's Nip/Tuck and when the woman went to talk to her husband that had Alzheimer's after her plastic surgery, I was just reminded of my grandmother, a woman I barely remember, who had that disease. I just wanted to bawl, and a tear naturaly fell, but that's all I could muster for her. That's it. THAT IS PATHETIC! Why can't I cry for someone I cared for deeply? Maybe it's because she died when I was very young, but she was the only grandmother I knew and I did love her and my grandfather. Why can I not cry for her or him? I just don't even know if I would cry for a friend or family member at their funeral. I would like to think I would, even if for some emotional catharsis for myself, but I don't know I would. I hope it's not because I'm self-indulgent or self-obsessed, but because I'm emotionally fucked up. I just don't have proper emotions at time.
Another problem in my life--and I promise this is the last one before my comment on the quote in my next paragraph--is that I am on so much Lunesta because I can't sleep that I wake up groggy. I get up at 8 and sleep usually till noon or one. Not usually, just the past week, but it's knocking me out. It's making me not want to do anything and when I finally do start to look for jobs online, I sometimes just stare blankly at my computer till the screensaver comes on, then I stare at the black screen when that comes on. I stopped taking it last night, but I am still physically exhausted from it. I guess I should never rely on pills to sleep. If accutain had not messed my liver up (in combination with my drinking habits at times), I would drink a glass of red wine before bed every night to see if it worked, but who knows if that would even work at all. I guess I'll know come December when my last pill is out of my system.
"My life has become a boring pop song and everyone's singing along."--Jack's Mannequin. As cliche as that might be, I feel like my self-obsessed journey into my shitty mood is like that--I feel like it's just the banal lyrics to a banal song and everyone else feels the same way at some point in their life, so they're "singing along." But I feel like that's a singular moment when music touches me unexpectedly (Jack's Mannequin touched me on a personal level? I'd never think that because it's not the "kind of music" you would think would affect you perosnally). But, it did. I just feel so lifeless and small right now.