Aug 23, 2007 16:32
Part 5...
BLACKOUT 5
The kiss lasts barely a second, our mouths only skimming gently together, but it leaves me burning and alert. By the time my eyes open his head is back resting on mine, his breathing deep, and I’m left drowning in chaos, blood pounding through my head, wondering if it was even real.
He won’t wake up. Instead he’s just twisted his body into the corner as far away from me as possible. He’s either in a very deep sleep or he’s faking it. What the hell just happened? Did Dominic - my best mate for years - just kiss me or not? This is not like the brandy incident - there’s no excuse for this. A bit of champagne, that’s all. What the fuck? What the fuck??? I can’t even begin to focus on how I’m actually feeling or what I’m thinking, I’m too busy obsessing over whether it actually happened or if it was all in my imagination. I’m not sure which option I’d prefer. I sit up, about to shake him until he acknowledges me, but I slip on the stupid leather seat and my leg cannons into Chris curled up opposite me. ‘Shit’ I spit out. I can see the bassist coming round, unfolding his long limbs.
‘Whassamatter?’ he slurs, eyelids hardly lifting. Christ, I must look shifty, fidgeting even more than normal, eyes glancing nervously all over the place. ‘I think Dom just kissed me’ the words are out before my brain even gets a look in. Why do I do that? ‘Well, what I mean is we drank the champagne - I know we agreed that it was a daft idea - but anyway we did, and then I think he kissed me but I don’t know and he isn’t saying anything so I don’t know if I’ll ever know, but if it’s just in my head then why is it in my head, you know what I mean?’ I’m gabbling about 2000 to the dozen, my rationality (what small part I have at the best of times) screaming out at me. Chris is looking slightly more awake, and I start to panic about what he’ll say. Maybe I should try to pass it off as a joke or something? I realise he’s frowning at the empty bottles we’ve left on the floor, then he does something that completely throws me. He laughs. ‘Mmmnunghhgh’ he seems to breathe as he curls up again, and just like that I realise he’s asleep again. What the hell? Why is everyone being as uncooperative as possible at the moment??? Maybe this isn’t a big deal, maybe I’m just overreacting. Or maybe I’m crazy and all of this is in my head, not just the kiss.
I spend the next few hours with my head pressed against the cold window, not bothered by how it bounces against the glass when the car goes over even the smallest bump. I’m staring at the blurring landscape that’s racing past, but not really taking any of it in. The weird thing is, all I can think about is Chris’ reaction, or rather lack of it. He should’ve been shocked, even horrified (like me?). I could’ve talked it through with him, he would’ve been sympathetic. We would’ve woken up Dom, and Chris could’ve asked him about it, sparing me the shame. Chris is good in a crisis, calm and collected. Not like me - flying off the handle, mentally, physically and verbally flailing about. Surely he must have something to say about it? Then it hits me - he was never awake! That’s the only explanation (unless I really am mad, imagining everything), and I know it’s possible. I’ve had proper conversations with Chris before, then discovered he only appeared to be conscious. He’s probably learnt to blank out my voice, body going into autopilot - eyes open, speech production enabled. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry - I know there’s a part of me desperate to talk to the one person who would listen to my rambling thoughts without judging me. But on the whole, this has to be better.
Without even pausing to think about it, I start hiding the empty bottles back in the minibar. If I hide all the evidence maybe it’ll all go away. Chris won’t know anything, Dom’s certainly not bothered by it or not willing to discuss it. That’s assuming it even happened. As the journey goes on I’m becoming more and more convinced I dreamt or imagined it, and by the time the limo pulls up in front of a pretty-looking hotel in another grey city I’m almost cheerful again, humming and tapping my feet. As the driver’s door slams shut my bandmates wake up. Chris stretches into reality, slowly leaving his slumber behind, while Dom is almost on his feet in a second, thrumming with energy that borders on panic. ‘Where are we?’ he gasps. ‘Hotel. You ok?’ I gaze at him, trying to judge his reaction to my question. He just laughs a little, muttering something about needing the loo and not realising he’d been asleep. Chris’ voice booms out as we extricate ourselves from the squishy slippery seats and land on the pavement. ‘I had the weirdest dream about you two. Matt told me that you two had drunk that champagne after all, and then you kissed him! But then he turned into Billy Idol and tried to eat me, but I escaped through the sun roof, only to find myself on Mars. God knows where that all came from - no more coffee before a sleepy journey for me!’ He’s chuckling away to himself as I silently curse my verbal diarrhoea. At least he doesn’t think it was real. I force myself to laugh along, then turn to look at Dom. He’s not laughing; he doesn’t look amused at all. He looks utterly horrified, and as our eyes meet - his full of fear, mine full of confusion - the truth lands in my chest like a javelin. It was real. He did do it. And clearly he doesn’t want Chris to know. Before I can say anything, he pushes past me, then collides with Chris, finally stumbling into the hotel. ‘What’s got into him?’ Chris tuts, and I cobble together the same crap Dom told me about him needing a piss. By the time we get through the doors Dom’s already stood waiting by the lift, key in hand. Chris deals with the receptionist, while I just stare at Dom’s back, willing him to look round, needing to talk to him. As soon as I’ve got my key and left Chris at his room I’ll find Dom and we’ll sort out what actually happened. ‘Dom, wait’ Chris calls out as Dom strides into the lift. He hurries after him, but is too late - the lift doors close behind the drummer; he doesn’t even turn around. ‘Everything ok?’ I ask, wondering why Chris is chasing Dom. ‘Short notice booking, wasn’t it? No rooms left so it’s just a two-bedroom suite between the three of us. Thing is, if Dom puts the bolt across we can’t get in, even with these’ he waves a couple of keys in my face. Normally sharing a suite or even a standard room with Chris and Dom wouldn’t bother me in the slightest - if anything it would be fun. But I know that at the moment it’s a bad idea, and I need to get Dom on his own to talk. ‘Right, er, ok. I’m sure he won’t bolt the door though, he’s not that stupid is he?’ I’m wondering how to get rid of Chris for a bit. ‘I’ll go after him and make sure we can get in. Why don’t you phone Tom, see how the bus and the equipment stuff is?’ He looks puzzled. ‘I can do that from the room can’t I? Actually, I’ll give Kelly a quick call now - I’d rather speak to her away from you two idiots!’ He grins affectionately. ‘Great, take your time, say hi from us’ I’m practically ripping a key out of his hand, already moving towards the stairs. Room 103 - I read off the key ring, clenching my hand around the small metal disc. I take the steps 2 at a time, scanning the walls for directions. Eventually I find myself outside the door, after a few agonising minutes winding through brightly carpeted corridors. I ram the key into the lock, twisting it round as I crash hard against the door. It swings open swiftly and I have to hang onto it to stop myself falling over.
‘Dominic. DOMINIC’ I shout when I can’t see him in the lounge. I wander through to the first bedroom - still no sign of him. The second bedroom is also empty, but I’m certain I can hear clattering from the bathroom. ‘Dom, we need to talk. You owe me an explanation.’ The door opens with a click and he stands in front of me, hands on hips. ‘I don’t owe you anything.’ For a minute we just stand staring at each other. I can’t believe he’s not grovelling and apologising. ‘But you don’t deny it?’ I eventually ask. ‘Deny what? I don’t know what you’re talking about Matt but it’s pissing me off already. Where’s Chris - why don’t you try talking to him instead?’ His voice is barbed and he stalks away from me, back through to the lounge. I follow him, hissing furiously. ‘You kissed me Dominic. What the hell was that about? Why are you acting annoyed with me? It should be the other way round.’ He just ignores me, turning on the TV as he slumps onto the sofa. I want to hit him, to shake him - anything just to get him to acknowledge me, acknowledge what happened. ‘What time is it?’ He asks suddenly, not even looking at me. ‘What??!’ I shriek, ‘what does that matter?’ He turns his cold grey eyes on me, no emotion showing in them, empty and soulless. ‘Matt, forget it. Forget whatever you think happened. Or ask Chris what he thinks happened. You know what? Fuck this - I’m going out.’ I’m about to shout something - anything - at him as he starts to stand up, but at that moment we hear a key in the lock. The next second Chris strides in, grin lighting up his face.
‘So, what’s the plan for the rest of the day guys?’ He obviously can’t sense the tension between us and I’m quietly relieved, not wanting to answer questions. ‘I’m just heading out for a walk’ Dom replies, managing to hide any anger from his voice. ‘Great, let’s all go, explore a bit!’ I groan at this, knowing Dom will never talk about that kiss with Chris there. ‘I’m too tired, I’ll stay here.’ I try to sound casual. Chris looks puzzled for a second, then shrugs. ‘Fair enough. Just you and me then Dom!’ Dom’s face creases in anxiety, but he quickly alters it to regret. ‘Ah sorry mate, I’m going to phone my mum - she’ll be talking for hours no doubt, I’ll be rubbish company.’ Chris looks slightly exasperated, but resigns himself to staying in the suite with me. Dom scurries out before either of us can say anything, and I’m left having to live up to my ‘too-tired’ claim by going to bed.
*********************
Hours have past since Dom left, and it’s now dark outside. I glance at my watch - 11.15pm. Stretching my arms and legs widely I scramble to the edge of the bed. After the first couple of hours I must have actually dozed off. I feel better for the sleep, but my head is still groggy and my eyes gummy. As I drag myself through to the lounge I hear raised voices.
‘But you’ve only just got in. We’ve got our first night off in ages, don’t you want a quiet time?’ Chris deep voice sounds frustrated. ‘I just want to go to a club or something - I’m not going to bring anyone back, I’m not going to get hammered. Why is it such a problem?’ Dom sounds irritated, anxious to get away.
‘Someone going clubbing?’ I venture, trying to sound relaxed. ‘Dom says he’s going to, but I think it’s a bad plan. Don’t you Matt?’ Chris pleads with me. ‘Actually, I think I’ll join you Dom. Give me five minutes to get dressed?’ At this Dom and Chris both exhale in annoyance. Chris rolls his eyes, muttering to us that we’d better not wake him up when we get back. Dom stays silent, knowing that I’m only coming so I can try to talk to him again about the kiss. He finally nods and sits down next to Chris, folding his arms and pursing his lips.
I pull some black skinnies and an electric blue t-shirt out of the small bag I took in the limo with me. After throwing them on I wander to the bathroom and spend a few minutes pulling at my floppy black hair. I notice one of Dom’s many pots of hair wax on the sink and help myself, working it between my palms before coating my head. I run my fingers through my hair once so it stands practically on end, then rinse my hands.
As I pull the door to the suite behind us, Dom throws me a look filled with fury. ‘Why are you here?’ he grunts. I sigh in response ‘you know why Dom. Why did you do it? Were you drunk again?’ He shakes his head, practically running towards the lift to get away from me. I catch up and squeeze through the doors as he hits the ground-floor button. ‘Just drop it Matt. Please. I really don’t want to fall out, this is so stupid.’ I can hear the pleading tone in his voice, and I decide to leave it for now. ‘Ok, alright. Sorry, I don’t want to fall out either. So where are we going? That Forbidden Fruit place?’ I ask, grinning at the recollection of Dom’s idea. He visibly relaxes, a smile taking over his face. ‘Nah - I don’t think you could handle it! I’m not sure I could to be honest. I just thought I’d get a drink somewhere, maybe have a bit of a dance! Unwind, you know?’ The tension’s not quite gone, but we’re both trying. ‘Sounds good to me. Lead on…’
*********************
I’m not sure how to describe this place. Dark, dingy, and squalid doesn’t really do it justice. It’s all those things, but somehow it feels even worse. From the outside it looked quite classy, we couldn’t hear any stupid dance beats popping out the doors and the people heading in looked normal. Dom collapses onto the dubiously stained seat next to me, lightly dropping four shot glasses onto the wobbly table. ‘I got us more tequila’ he shouts hoarsely over the cheesy pop music. I smile in compliance and pick up a glass. Dom does the same, and together we down the bitter liquid. The second shot goes down just as quickly. ‘More?’ I query, and Dom nods happily. I head to the bar, pressing through the sweaty bodies. I haven’t mentioned the kiss again, instead we’ve just talked about how the gigs have been going and ideas for the show tomorrow night. It’s as if nothing’s happened, except it’s all I can think about. I keep catching myself staring at his lips, remembering their fleeting touch as they grazed mine. It seems like a lifetime ago, and every bit as unreal as I thought it may have been.
By the time I get back Dom is no longer at the table. I look around hastily and see him on the dance floor, a petite girl draped across him. She’s grinding hard into him, and he looks embarrassed but aroused in equal measures. I don’t know why but I’m fuming. Completely boiling over with rage. How can he be up there dancing with some girl when only hours ago he was kissing me, with no explanation? I down my two shots in a couple of seconds - only adding to my burning anger - and start marching towards the dance floor with his. ‘Your drinks’ I snap, shoving them into his hands. He looks up, surprised at my harsh tone and no doubt furious expression. ‘Matt, this is…’ he prods the girl in the shoulder ‘what’s your name?’ She rolls her eyes and shakes her head at him, then turns her back, now dancing with some other bloke who clearly can remember her name. Dom downs his shots and dumps the empty glasses on a nearby table.
‘So it’s not just me you’re pissing off today then?’ I shout, glaring at him, willing him to argue. He presses against me in the crowd and I hear him mutter ‘not here’ as his fingers close around my wrist. I realise people are staring at us, eager to hear our fight. He drags me off to the toilet, which is cold and stark, stale air grating at my lungs.
‘What is your problem? I thought we were ok?’ he snaps. ‘My problem, Dominic, is that you kiss me in the limo, then refuse to talk about it. Then when we finally are speaking again you clear off with some girl to dance, as if nothing is wrong, as if nothing’s happened. How do you think I’m feeling about all this? Don’t you think I might be confused? Worried? Bloody miserable? I don’t know what to do or think Dom, and you being such a wanker doesn’t help.’ I don’t hold back, screaming at him, bouncing around the room.
‘Me being a wanker? That has to be a joke. Jesus Matthew, I can’t believe you. Poor Matt, so confused. Maybe I’ll tell Chris all about it, all about something I know nothing about.’ He sounds like he’s about to cry, but the anger is clearly forcing back any other emotion. ‘You really are selfish aren’t you? Did you ever stop to consider what I may be thinking or feeling?’ His question makes me pause, and I know he has a point. But by now I’m too riled to stop.
‘You’re the one who kissed me! And now I don’t know what to make of it, I don’t know why it happened or what it meant. I can hardly even remember it but I know it happened, and I’m trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I don’t know what’s going on in my own head, never mind yours.’ My chest’s heaving as I try to breathe, heart pounding.
‘You you YOU! It’s all about you isn’t it Matt? You don’t know what’s going on in your head hey? Maybe this will help sort it out…’ he spits out his words, filled with so much aggression that I flinch, waiting for his punch to land. Instead I feel myself shoved violently back against the cold tiles on the wall, hands clasping my shoulders hard, preventing me from breaking free. His body crushes me, chest against mine, hips digging into me.
Just as I’m about to protest he kisses me. Not a soft barely-there kiss like before. This time his mouth sucks viciously at mine, as the scent and taste of alcohol and smoke fills my brain. I freeze for a second, not even thinking. Then I dig my fingers hard into his back, hearing him gasp - in pain or pleasure I don’t know. His mouth stills momentarily, then suddenly we’re both kissing, teeth clashing together, lips finding lips, tongue finding tongue. I can feel him groaning into me, and then his mouth is gone. Panting heavily, trying to fill my lungs, I feel one hand move from my shoulder. Suddenly it’s winding across my head sensuously, and I close my eyes, leaning back into this caress. Then, all pretence of gentleness gone, he grasps my hair roughly, yanking my head backwards so hard I shriek out. Teeth sink into my exposed neck and I feel myself whimpering softly, loving and hating the brutal pain. His lips are moving up and down, he’s licking and sucking and biting, tasting every part of me he can find. As he releases my hair our lips lock together again, our hands furiously and frantically pulling at each other’s clothes and skin.
As fast as it started it stops, Dom pulling away from me, stumbling backwards. One hand covers his mouth, and his eyes are filled with tears and loathing as he glances across to me. ‘Shit, SHIT’ he shouts, punching the wall hard. I hear a grotesque crunching sound and see blood, trickling across his knuckles. He careers into a cubicle, slamming the door behind him, and I hear him retching. ‘Dominic, Dom. Please, are you ok?’ I hammer on the door, head reeling. I’m lost, totally lost. I don’t even know how to think anymore. The door crashes open and he pushes me aside, and all I can do is try to keep up as he runs out of the club and back to the hotel.
*********************
He marches straight through the lounge, and I see him gauge where to go next. One door is shut -Chris is obviously in bed - leaving the bedroom or the bathroom free. He chooses the bedroom, kicking the door hard once he’s in. The noise reverberates round the dark rooms and I pray that Chris won’t wake up. Cautiously I push the handle down and let the door fall open. Dom is sat on the bed, his head in his hands. Blood is gushing from the knuckles on his right hand, running down his arm and smattered over his white t-shirt. I sit down next to him, and hear him sobbing. ‘Dom, your hand’ I whisper. ‘Let me see your hand.’ Without saying a word or moving any other part of his body he holds it out to me. It looks awful, crumpled and mangled. ‘I think it’s broken.’ I hold it gently, my thumb stroking his wrist tenderly. He raises his head slowly, and I see his eyes are still full of tears, but now they’re also full of a dark desperate lust. Our lips meet again, and I feel his tongue explore my mouth deeply and slowly, as he pushes me backwards onto the bed. I slip my hands around to his back, and pull him in as close as I can.