[He's noticed her silence, though he hasn't commented. It's just Kanda being Kanda, right? She's not a talkative woman naturally and he's fine with that. Which is why her note surprises him, in a way. Not the brevity of it, but that she needed a note at all. What was it that she couldn't just say up front? In the back of his mind, he thinks he already knows. But he won't focus on that right now.
He comes into the courtyard with his bag of books in one hand, slung over his shoulder with apparent carelessness. Yet he them down gingerly before sitting beside her, careful not to be too loud.]
[Really, the note was less about her not being able to say something to him, and more about not wanting to disturb him. It's meant to be respectful of his own privacy. And he can be as loud as he wants. It's time for the baby to wake up, anyway.]
[Well, this is Bookman. He tends to over-analyze things. Plus there's that nagging voice in the back of his head, that tells him she's having second thoughts, and that he's been constantly attempting to placate by insisting that he doesn't care.
[She's thought about this long enough that she knows it needs to be done, and yet she still finds herself doubting the words about to come out of her mouth. Perhaps it's better to just say it, get it over with. Whatever the aftermath will be, she'll deal with it. But stalling and beating around the bush isn't going to accomplish anything.]
[So, she meets his gaze head-on, barely missing a beat.] We can't do this.
[He knew this was coming, he'd been telling himself for weeks that it could. That doesn't stop the flinch, though, however momentary and raw. There's a pain in his chest and a twisting in his gut that he can't quite describe, so he doesn't try. He chooses to ignore it instead.]
Yeah? Y'sure? [Of course she's sure, and he knows it. But it seems like the right thing to say. He doesn't want to let her see what he's feeling until he knows himself.]
[It's the fact that he does so well to hide it, that rawness, that bothers her. On some level, she figures he would act this way. On an entirely different level, it's different when you're coming face to face with it.]
[Perhaps this would have been easier if he did let it all show.]
[He doesn't want to let it show, because he's afraid the moment he does what's left of his mask will shatter and although he's gotten better, there is still a part of him that yearns for the safety of detachment. It's that part alone that lets his smile stay where it is.]
[The baby stirs, and she looks down at the little girl. She stretches, yawns, and peeks up at Bookman with a pair of green eyes that are probably too intelligent for a four-month-old.]
He comes into the courtyard with his bag of books in one hand, slung over his shoulder with apparent carelessness. Yet he them down gingerly before sitting beside her, careful not to be too loud.]
Hey.
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[She gives him a sideways look.]
We need to talk.
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So of course he grins.]
So you said.
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[So, she meets his gaze head-on, barely missing a beat.] We can't do this.
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Yeah? Y'sure? [Of course she's sure, and he knows it. But it seems like the right thing to say. He doesn't want to let her see what he's feeling until he knows himself.]
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[Perhaps this would have been easier if he did let it all show.]
[To that, she shakes her head.] I'm sure.
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Guess that's that, then.
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[The baby stirs, and she looks down at the little girl. She stretches, yawns, and peeks up at Bookman with a pair of green eyes that are probably too intelligent for a four-month-old.]
I'll move rooms.
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[He stops himself, the nearly empathetic curse on the tip of his tongue. Amazing how quickly he's learned to curb his habits around her child.]
I'll move, don't worry about it. Got too many rooms in that wing as it is.
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There's hardly anything in there that belongs to me, and it isn't like I can't just find another.
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S'fine, really. Won't take me more than an hour.
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Fine. I won't stop you.
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I'll- see y'around, Kanda.
[The crack in his voice surprises himself even, and makes him that much more eager to leave.]
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