maybe you're gonna be the one who saves me

[musesfool]

I wanted this to be hot sex. Then when that didn't quite pan out, I was hoping for side-splittingly funny.

Sadly, it's rather predictable and too meta for my taste.

The question is, can this story be saved?

Comments

[glossing]

Loverly Xander!

I think the story jumps the rails (only not half so *bad*, I'm just horrible with words lately) at two points -- one is "My fiancée and my best friend want to-- They want me to--", which seems a little incomplete for Xander to grasp immediately. Xander's an intuitive guy, though, and I can see him trying to draw it out of Ron. The second point is here:
... No. Someone -- some thing kills them, and then it's your job to--"

"Stay home and not get hurt and let other people do the fighting," Ron finished bitterly. "I know, mate. I know. Just because I'm not as clever as Hermione, or as powerful as Harry doesn't mean all I'm good for is making tea."
Their point of similarity comes through loud & clear here, perhaps *too* clearly? I don't know if it's Ron's tone of voice or something, but the kind of morose bitterness I'm getting in this passage clanks against what I might expect of him? Or at least how I'd expect him to *sound*. Lengthen their recognition of their similarity, with some false starts and jokes, and I think it will work marvelously.

Now I'm daydreaming about Giles and Remus. Excuse me...

[musesfool]

Loverly Xander!

Thank you!

seems a little incomplete for Xander to grasp immediately. Xander's an intuitive guy, though, and I can see him trying to draw it out of Ron.

*nod*

The consensus seems to be more banter, so yeah, okay, I can have Xander guess wrong a few times, teasing it out of Ron and talking about his own Willow/Anya or Willow/Tara or Willow/Buffy fantasies.

Their point of similarity comes through loud & clear here, perhaps *too* clearly? I don't know if it's Ron's tone of voice or something, but the kind of morose bitterness I'm getting in this passage clanks against what I might expect of him?

A little on the nose, huh? I can fix that. I think part of the problem is that in my head, there's still dark wizards being fought by Harry, with Hermione as Research Girl, and they're still discounting Ron's contributions, and maybe that isn't how it plays out. I should rethink that. Hmmm...

Thanks!