"If we have anything kind to say, any tender sentiment to express, we feel a sense of shame"
Thank you to the people who said nice things about me in the Valentine's game.
*twirls*
And I have many valentines!
*hearts*
***
I still have nothing coherent to say about "Mystery Spot." Best Valentine's present EVER. Right now, I feel like I don't even need to write*; the show is giving me the emotional high I usually have to seek out in fanfic.
But I have been thinking about writing, obviously, and shame and badfic and enthusiasm v. irony, based on a number of conversations I've had with people recently, and because of this whole sekrit incest baby thing. I mean, okay, genderswap hetcest AU porn is not even something to blink at in fandom, even though it often is exactly the kind of thing that can and does make up what might be categorized by many as 'badfic.'
Fandom is often touted as a place of no shame, where everyone lets their freak flag fly, and the boundaries are always being pushed further - slash, RPF, incest, chan - and yet it feels like there is always shame attached to something - liking mpreg/kidfic/always-a-girl AUs - and that we attach that shame ourselves.
At least, I do.
I mean, seriously, I've been posting fanfic for nearly seven and a half years now, and as much as I'm willing to stand by everything I've written (even the stuff that makes me cringe now, though hopefully there isn't too much of that), I've also spent a lot of that time beating the melodrama out of my writing, learning how to be subtle instead of over the top, to pare down emotional exposition rather than ladle it on thick, even in situations where, yeah, the premise is inherently melodramatic and ridiculous - I am writing a sekrit incest baby story, people (complete with self-mocking misspelling). I realize it is completely a self-indulgent wallow and id-fic and all that, though I certainly have no qualms about posting it (mostly because other people seem interested), and the thing is, why SHOULDN'T fandom be self-indulgent? It's what I do for fun. I mean, earnestness makes my teeth hurt, no lie, but when I'm this enthusiastic and whole-heartedly in love with something that I can't keep any kind of ironic detachment from it - isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
I mean, let's face it, the words "sekrit incest baby" either make you cackle with glee or make your skin crawl (or, if done properly, both). The WHOLE POINT is that it makes me ridiculously gleeful because it is a completely ludicrous premise. (And also because Dean + babies = WIN)
And sometimes it feels like that wholehearted and enthusiastic investment is not something we're supposed to have if we write "good" fic (as opposed to badfic, which I clearly think I do; ymmv), or it's not supposed to inform the story in the same way that it does with the person who writes the fifty-chapter WIP full of godawful ham-handed dialogue and completely arbitrary punctuation and only the vaguest notion of good characterization (or anatomy) where Dean gets kidnapped and shot and Sam has to save him and then they make sweet sweet love right there on the stony ground, even though really Dean should be passing out and taken to the hospital and is in no real condition for it etc. (insert fandom as you will - every fandom has these stories.)
Like, I'm taking a total badfic premise and running with it, and I have a lot of shame about that, more than the fact that it's a SEKRIT INCEST BABY, which I just think is kind of HILARIOUS. I mean, it's genderswap AU incest - I'm not going to cavil at a baby at this point, you know? And it's an AU of an AU. It's like EVERY BAD FANFIC CLICHE all rolled into one. And I think that is what makes me twitchy, way more than the subject matter, which I admit is creepy and wrong, and yet I do love it.
So I guess the thing that makes me shamed isn't the incest or the baby or girl!Sam in and of themselves - it's how much I love those things (in fiction), how they totally hit buttons I didn't even know I had until now - but also, how I know these are the kinds of elements that generally get a story lumped in with badfic, regardless of actual technical or emotional merit.
This is in no way a moral problem for me in terms of content. It's an aesthetic one.
In my earlier post, vaznetti mentioned how some people see crossovers in this category - that they are inherently badly written and out of character and by their very nature cannot be good - and that is the thing that makes me cringe, that same dismissiveness that leads non-fanfic people into dismissing fanfic, and non-genre readers to dismiss genre fiction, because I don't want my stories dismissed like that, even as I am completely guilty of dismissing other genres *cough*mpreg**cough* that way.
And the thing is, why shouldn't we be enthusiastic and over the top and gushing about the things we love?
The story I've gotten the most feedback for ever, I think***, is the Sirius on Serenity story. Most of the comments start with some variation of, "I had to read because I didn't think you could pull this off" i.e., "I thought this was going to suck because WTF? Sirius on Serenity? Are you on crack?"
And the story works BECAUSE I love both sources and all the characters so much, BECAUSE I took the ridiculous premise seriously.
And my next instinct here was to write, "And of course, because the writing is restrained and leaning towards spare." Because that is the kind of writing style I mostly value (my adoration of Faulkner notwithstanding) and the thing is, since I've been reading all this over the top and barely mediocre in a technical sense Dark Angel fic, I've been thinking about this, and aside from the considerations of technical merit (dear god, people, learn to punctuate dialogue correctly! pick a tense and POV and stick with it!), I still don't like writing that is overwrought or flowery, so even when the technical ducks are all in a row, those stories are never gonna work for me - I will be more likely to categorize them as badfic, because I think the STYLE is bad. It's a marker to me of that melodramatic urge, that enthusiasm that I apparently often feel ashamed of.
And yet, I miss it. I miss getting an idea and being off to the races, writing like a madwoman, instead of having to sit down and think through, is it something I've said before? Is it something I feel capable of saying? I didn't used to wonder if my skills were up to the challenge - I just sat down and wrote. Now I feel like I know much more about writing and it makes me write less, take fewer chances, be less willing to just go with a story and see where it takes me. Even if it is completely insane.
Which. Okay, I am rambling and conflating a number of things here, but there is some kind of intersection where the combination of enthusiasm and knowledge equals shame - e.g., I ought to know better. Or possibly it's a place where knowledge ("You ought to know better") is meant to triumph over enthusiasm and when it doesn't, shame is the result. And I am really trying to eliminate shame in this arena. Of all the things I have to be shameful about, and there are many, fanfic doesn't even make the list.
I don't even know. Does that make any kind of sense at all?
--
*well, except for some Dean/girl porn, of which there can never be enough
**I will spare you my thoughts on mpreg, but I have some deep philosophical objections to it, and I am not even joking.
***Knitting!Dean has possibly surpassed it, and again, hi! ridiculous premise, well-executed
****subject line from Ugo Betti
~*~
*twirls*
And I have many valentines!
*hearts*
***
I still have nothing coherent to say about "Mystery Spot." Best Valentine's present EVER. Right now, I feel like I don't even need to write*; the show is giving me the emotional high I usually have to seek out in fanfic.
But I have been thinking about writing, obviously, and shame and badfic and enthusiasm v. irony, based on a number of conversations I've had with people recently, and because of this whole sekrit incest baby thing. I mean, okay, genderswap hetcest AU porn is not even something to blink at in fandom, even though it often is exactly the kind of thing that can and does make up what might be categorized by many as 'badfic.'
Fandom is often touted as a place of no shame, where everyone lets their freak flag fly, and the boundaries are always being pushed further - slash, RPF, incest, chan - and yet it feels like there is always shame attached to something - liking mpreg/kidfic/always-a-girl AUs - and that we attach that shame ourselves.
At least, I do.
I mean, seriously, I've been posting fanfic for nearly seven and a half years now, and as much as I'm willing to stand by everything I've written (even the stuff that makes me cringe now, though hopefully there isn't too much of that), I've also spent a lot of that time beating the melodrama out of my writing, learning how to be subtle instead of over the top, to pare down emotional exposition rather than ladle it on thick, even in situations where, yeah, the premise is inherently melodramatic and ridiculous - I am writing a sekrit incest baby story, people (complete with self-mocking misspelling). I realize it is completely a self-indulgent wallow and id-fic and all that, though I certainly have no qualms about posting it (mostly because other people seem interested), and the thing is, why SHOULDN'T fandom be self-indulgent? It's what I do for fun. I mean, earnestness makes my teeth hurt, no lie, but when I'm this enthusiastic and whole-heartedly in love with something that I can't keep any kind of ironic detachment from it - isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
I mean, let's face it, the words "sekrit incest baby" either make you cackle with glee or make your skin crawl (or, if done properly, both). The WHOLE POINT is that it makes me ridiculously gleeful because it is a completely ludicrous premise. (And also because Dean + babies = WIN)
And sometimes it feels like that wholehearted and enthusiastic investment is not something we're supposed to have if we write "good" fic (as opposed to badfic, which I clearly think I do; ymmv), or it's not supposed to inform the story in the same way that it does with the person who writes the fifty-chapter WIP full of godawful ham-handed dialogue and completely arbitrary punctuation and only the vaguest notion of good characterization (or anatomy) where Dean gets kidnapped and shot and Sam has to save him and then they make sweet sweet love right there on the stony ground, even though really Dean should be passing out and taken to the hospital and is in no real condition for it etc. (insert fandom as you will - every fandom has these stories.)
Like, I'm taking a total badfic premise and running with it, and I have a lot of shame about that, more than the fact that it's a SEKRIT INCEST BABY, which I just think is kind of HILARIOUS. I mean, it's genderswap AU incest - I'm not going to cavil at a baby at this point, you know? And it's an AU of an AU. It's like EVERY BAD FANFIC CLICHE all rolled into one. And I think that is what makes me twitchy, way more than the subject matter, which I admit is creepy and wrong, and yet I do love it.
So I guess the thing that makes me shamed isn't the incest or the baby or girl!Sam in and of themselves - it's how much I love those things (in fiction), how they totally hit buttons I didn't even know I had until now - but also, how I know these are the kinds of elements that generally get a story lumped in with badfic, regardless of actual technical or emotional merit.
This is in no way a moral problem for me in terms of content. It's an aesthetic one.
In my earlier post, vaznetti mentioned how some people see crossovers in this category - that they are inherently badly written and out of character and by their very nature cannot be good - and that is the thing that makes me cringe, that same dismissiveness that leads non-fanfic people into dismissing fanfic, and non-genre readers to dismiss genre fiction, because I don't want my stories dismissed like that, even as I am completely guilty of dismissing other genres *cough*mpreg**cough* that way.
And the thing is, why shouldn't we be enthusiastic and over the top and gushing about the things we love?
The story I've gotten the most feedback for ever, I think***, is the Sirius on Serenity story. Most of the comments start with some variation of, "I had to read because I didn't think you could pull this off" i.e., "I thought this was going to suck because WTF? Sirius on Serenity? Are you on crack?"
And the story works BECAUSE I love both sources and all the characters so much, BECAUSE I took the ridiculous premise seriously.
And my next instinct here was to write, "And of course, because the writing is restrained and leaning towards spare." Because that is the kind of writing style I mostly value (my adoration of Faulkner notwithstanding) and the thing is, since I've been reading all this over the top and barely mediocre in a technical sense Dark Angel fic, I've been thinking about this, and aside from the considerations of technical merit (dear god, people, learn to punctuate dialogue correctly! pick a tense and POV and stick with it!), I still don't like writing that is overwrought or flowery, so even when the technical ducks are all in a row, those stories are never gonna work for me - I will be more likely to categorize them as badfic, because I think the STYLE is bad. It's a marker to me of that melodramatic urge, that enthusiasm that I apparently often feel ashamed of.
And yet, I miss it. I miss getting an idea and being off to the races, writing like a madwoman, instead of having to sit down and think through, is it something I've said before? Is it something I feel capable of saying? I didn't used to wonder if my skills were up to the challenge - I just sat down and wrote. Now I feel like I know much more about writing and it makes me write less, take fewer chances, be less willing to just go with a story and see where it takes me. Even if it is completely insane.
Which. Okay, I am rambling and conflating a number of things here, but there is some kind of intersection where the combination of enthusiasm and knowledge equals shame - e.g., I ought to know better. Or possibly it's a place where knowledge ("You ought to know better") is meant to triumph over enthusiasm and when it doesn't, shame is the result. And I am really trying to eliminate shame in this arena. Of all the things I have to be shameful about, and there are many, fanfic doesn't even make the list.
I don't even know. Does that make any kind of sense at all?
--
*well, except for some Dean/girl porn, of which there can never be enough
**I will spare you my thoughts on mpreg, but I have some deep philosophical objections to it, and I am not even joking.
***Knitting!Dean has possibly surpassed it, and again, hi! ridiculous premise, well-executed
****subject line from Ugo Betti
~*~