what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy
What a Good Boy
Oh, Dean... (The Extended Remix)
luzdeestrellas and I were having a conversation about teen!Sam and teen!Dean, and how Sam likely had a need to fit in and appear normal when he was growing up, but Dean has never really cared what most people think of him, and likely really didn’t care about the usual high school social hierarchy (except when it might get him laid).
Everything that follows here came out of our conversation - some of it is her and some of it is me and I haven’t really differentiated, 'cause we pretty much agree on most of it (and I'm sure she'll correct me where I'm wrong).
We talked about how Sam’s anger in the pilot doesn’t seem to really include Dean, even though he doesn’t deny he probably wouldn’t have taken Dean’s calls (and it appears he didn’t reach out himself to Dean during the time he was at Stanford). Aside from the typical teenage/sibling resentments, Sam’s anger concerning Dean seems to be about the way he toes the line, follows John’s orders, doesn’t seem to have any goals or aspirations for himself that aren’t tied up with hunting and John’s demands. Sam wants Dean to have more, to have better, to demand better treatment from John, than what Dean appears to want for himself.
What Sam doesn’t seem to understand until late in the first season ("Something Wicked," to be exact), is that whatever Dean might have wanted - and though we have no confirmation of what his aspirations were, and even allowing for warping to inflict the maximum amount of pain, according to the shapeshifter, who’d know, Dean did have dreams (and he admits, in "Scarecrow," that he admires the way Sam stands up to John, and is proud of him for it) - it was given up not so much out of allegiance to John, though that’s part of it, but because Sam needed him.
But he can't just say, "Well, Sam, the reason I didn't go to college was that you were fourteen and you needed me around," or "The reason I follow Dad's orders to the letter is because it keeps you safe, and when I don't, bad things happen."
Part of it is, yes, to Dean, all love is conditional. At the age of four, he had that lesson burned into him with Mary’s death. Mary went away permanently, which means anybody could do the same thing, and so in order to prevent that from happening again, Dean learns to follow orders, to obey, to be the perfect son his father wants, so that his father will continue to love him, and won’t leave him. (Go, now, and don’t look back. Be a good boy, Dean. Take care of Sammy. Don’t argue, don’t ask questions. Just do it.)
This is not rational, it’s not something Dean’s probably ever examined in the light of day, and it’s not something he consciously decided, it’s just what his reaction appears to have been, and we learn (in "Something Wicked") that when he does disobey John’s orders, Sam almost dies. I’m thinking that’s the last time Dean disobeyed one of John’s direct orders, until "Dead Man’s Blood" (where he had Sam to back him up).
And the thing is, Dean’s compliance, Dean’s acceptance of his role as Sam’s (likely primary) caregiver, is what allows Sam the freedom to rebel, the ability to differentiate himself from John, to make himself a separate creature, with a will and a mind of his own. Sam can screw up because he always has Dean as his safety net. Sam can blow off hunting because it’s not his responsibility to keep anyone else safe; Dean's there, he'll always have Dad's back.
So John relies on him because he’s always been reliable (the danger of fulfilling or exceeding expectations - once you’ve done it once, people expect you to keep doing it, and keep piling more responsibility on once you’ve shown you can handle it), and Sam relies on him because he doesn’t know any better, this is how it is, this is who Dean is--he’s old reliable dog geyser person, he’ll always be there to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces--and Sam has never seen the direct results of Dean not following one of John’s orders, doesn’t know until Dean finally tells him, so of course it’s easy for him to be scornful of Dean’s obedience, especially when he has the luxury of disobedience himself.
And Dean fills that role, lets it become who he is, in essence, always what John and Sam need and never what he needs, and then they both leave him anyway.
He never stops hoping they’ll come back, they’ll stay, and they keep breaking his heart. Dean is 95% made of heartbreak (the other 5% is made of WIN). And he has no real armor against them. Even the demons know the way to get to Dean Winchester is through his family.
Yet Dean has no conception of how to be a family when they’re not living in the same car/motel room 24/7, and he has no idea that it can actually work if they're not together. Mary died, and John and Sam both cut off communication for extended periods of time when they left. And Dean needs to learn that he and Sam can be a family even if they’re not together every minute of every day, that people can leave and come back.
I really would like to know more about how and when John started sending Dean on solo jobs, because it’s both a validation ("my son Dean, with whom I am well pleased, can handle it") and a repudiation (Dean hears, "I don’t need you anymore" and "Make yourself useful," instead of, "Here is a different way I need you"), and I imagine that even though Dean was proud and pleased that John trusted him to hunt on his own, he was also a little lost without either John or Sam around. But he was able to be of use, and I think that's very important to him and his self-image.
And I never get the sense that Dean resents the way he was brought up. He gave up a lot, but it was worth it, to protect Sam, and he would do it again, without hesitation, for that same reason. And he can’t ever tell Sam that, of course, because that would make it sound like he resents him and he so doesn’t, so it takes Sam a long time to clue in (and I still think Sam isn’t all the way there).
So when John tells Dean, "Save Sam, or you might have to kill him," it’s just everything he’s ever told Dean, every order he’s ever given him, writ large, the last order, don’t fail, because Sam’s life is on the line, and the one thing Dean’s been trained to do since the age of four is protect Sam.
And Dean’s finally realizing that hey, no parent should ever lay that on a child, not at four or fourteen or twenty-eight, and he’s angry that John’s left him in this position, angry that John gave up, because I don’t know that he’s really processed that John was still fighting, but was fighting for Dean rather than for revenge or against the demon, per se.
I don’t think Dean ever doubted John loved him, though I can’t help but wonder if he occasionally wished John showed it in unambiguous ways, in ways that were strictly about Dean, rather than in relation to Dean following his orders, or Dean taking care of Sam. Sadly, I don’t think Dean has the tools to deal with that kind of praise, to process or communicate all this stuff that he feels.
John hunted out of vengeance, trying to make sense of what happened to his wife, to his family, and when he saw what was out there in the dark, he couldn’t turn his back, even though he spent twenty-two years facing things that weren’t the thing he was hunting for.
Sam now hunts for numerous reasons-revenge for Jess and Mary, in honor of John’s legacy and wishes, and in the hope that doing good will prevent him from turning bad. Earlier in the season, he did it to have a purpose, and to give Dean a purpose. Sam never hunts for the hunt itself (though I wouldn't be surprised if he gets a thrill out of all the secret knowledge he's accumulated that "normal" people don't have).
For Dean, the "saving people" part of the equation has always been as important as the "hunting" things part. Dean hunts because he can’t save his mother, and he can’t save Jess, but he can save some random family from the pain his has gone through, and because he can’t turn his back on what’s out there in the dark, and because he’s good at it. I really want to see Dean get his love for hunting back. I think it’s truly his calling and his gift, and it hurts me that his joy in it has been taken away from him; I loved seeing him gleeful over a hunt in "Heart" and while I appreciate the slow graying of his black-and-white worldview, I would like to see him eventually regain his joy in what he does, and to see him keep doing it, because he's good at it, and he loves it, and it needs doing.
I would also, while I’m wishing for things, like to see an "It's a Wonderful Life" style episode where Dean and Sam both learn how important Dean’s been in Sam’s life, how Sam and John both were so much better off with him around.
~*~
Oh, Dean... (The Extended Remix)
luzdeestrellas and I were having a conversation about teen!Sam and teen!Dean, and how Sam likely had a need to fit in and appear normal when he was growing up, but Dean has never really cared what most people think of him, and likely really didn’t care about the usual high school social hierarchy (except when it might get him laid).
Everything that follows here came out of our conversation - some of it is her and some of it is me and I haven’t really differentiated, 'cause we pretty much agree on most of it (and I'm sure she'll correct me where I'm wrong).
We talked about how Sam’s anger in the pilot doesn’t seem to really include Dean, even though he doesn’t deny he probably wouldn’t have taken Dean’s calls (and it appears he didn’t reach out himself to Dean during the time he was at Stanford). Aside from the typical teenage/sibling resentments, Sam’s anger concerning Dean seems to be about the way he toes the line, follows John’s orders, doesn’t seem to have any goals or aspirations for himself that aren’t tied up with hunting and John’s demands. Sam wants Dean to have more, to have better, to demand better treatment from John, than what Dean appears to want for himself.
What Sam doesn’t seem to understand until late in the first season ("Something Wicked," to be exact), is that whatever Dean might have wanted - and though we have no confirmation of what his aspirations were, and even allowing for warping to inflict the maximum amount of pain, according to the shapeshifter, who’d know, Dean did have dreams (and he admits, in "Scarecrow," that he admires the way Sam stands up to John, and is proud of him for it) - it was given up not so much out of allegiance to John, though that’s part of it, but because Sam needed him.
But he can't just say, "Well, Sam, the reason I didn't go to college was that you were fourteen and you needed me around," or "The reason I follow Dad's orders to the letter is because it keeps you safe, and when I don't, bad things happen."
Part of it is, yes, to Dean, all love is conditional. At the age of four, he had that lesson burned into him with Mary’s death. Mary went away permanently, which means anybody could do the same thing, and so in order to prevent that from happening again, Dean learns to follow orders, to obey, to be the perfect son his father wants, so that his father will continue to love him, and won’t leave him. (Go, now, and don’t look back. Be a good boy, Dean. Take care of Sammy. Don’t argue, don’t ask questions. Just do it.)
This is not rational, it’s not something Dean’s probably ever examined in the light of day, and it’s not something he consciously decided, it’s just what his reaction appears to have been, and we learn (in "Something Wicked") that when he does disobey John’s orders, Sam almost dies. I’m thinking that’s the last time Dean disobeyed one of John’s direct orders, until "Dead Man’s Blood" (where he had Sam to back him up).
And the thing is, Dean’s compliance, Dean’s acceptance of his role as Sam’s (likely primary) caregiver, is what allows Sam the freedom to rebel, the ability to differentiate himself from John, to make himself a separate creature, with a will and a mind of his own. Sam can screw up because he always has Dean as his safety net. Sam can blow off hunting because it’s not his responsibility to keep anyone else safe; Dean's there, he'll always have Dad's back.
So John relies on him because he’s always been reliable (the danger of fulfilling or exceeding expectations - once you’ve done it once, people expect you to keep doing it, and keep piling more responsibility on once you’ve shown you can handle it), and Sam relies on him because he doesn’t know any better, this is how it is, this is who Dean is--he’s old reliable dog geyser person, he’ll always be there to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces--and Sam has never seen the direct results of Dean not following one of John’s orders, doesn’t know until Dean finally tells him, so of course it’s easy for him to be scornful of Dean’s obedience, especially when he has the luxury of disobedience himself.
And Dean fills that role, lets it become who he is, in essence, always what John and Sam need and never what he needs, and then they both leave him anyway.
He never stops hoping they’ll come back, they’ll stay, and they keep breaking his heart. Dean is 95% made of heartbreak (the other 5% is made of WIN). And he has no real armor against them. Even the demons know the way to get to Dean Winchester is through his family.
Yet Dean has no conception of how to be a family when they’re not living in the same car/motel room 24/7, and he has no idea that it can actually work if they're not together. Mary died, and John and Sam both cut off communication for extended periods of time when they left. And Dean needs to learn that he and Sam can be a family even if they’re not together every minute of every day, that people can leave and come back.
I really would like to know more about how and when John started sending Dean on solo jobs, because it’s both a validation ("my son Dean, with whom I am well pleased, can handle it") and a repudiation (Dean hears, "I don’t need you anymore" and "Make yourself useful," instead of, "Here is a different way I need you"), and I imagine that even though Dean was proud and pleased that John trusted him to hunt on his own, he was also a little lost without either John or Sam around. But he was able to be of use, and I think that's very important to him and his self-image.
And I never get the sense that Dean resents the way he was brought up. He gave up a lot, but it was worth it, to protect Sam, and he would do it again, without hesitation, for that same reason. And he can’t ever tell Sam that, of course, because that would make it sound like he resents him and he so doesn’t, so it takes Sam a long time to clue in (and I still think Sam isn’t all the way there).
So when John tells Dean, "Save Sam, or you might have to kill him," it’s just everything he’s ever told Dean, every order he’s ever given him, writ large, the last order, don’t fail, because Sam’s life is on the line, and the one thing Dean’s been trained to do since the age of four is protect Sam.
And Dean’s finally realizing that hey, no parent should ever lay that on a child, not at four or fourteen or twenty-eight, and he’s angry that John’s left him in this position, angry that John gave up, because I don’t know that he’s really processed that John was still fighting, but was fighting for Dean rather than for revenge or against the demon, per se.
I don’t think Dean ever doubted John loved him, though I can’t help but wonder if he occasionally wished John showed it in unambiguous ways, in ways that were strictly about Dean, rather than in relation to Dean following his orders, or Dean taking care of Sam. Sadly, I don’t think Dean has the tools to deal with that kind of praise, to process or communicate all this stuff that he feels.
John hunted out of vengeance, trying to make sense of what happened to his wife, to his family, and when he saw what was out there in the dark, he couldn’t turn his back, even though he spent twenty-two years facing things that weren’t the thing he was hunting for.
Sam now hunts for numerous reasons-revenge for Jess and Mary, in honor of John’s legacy and wishes, and in the hope that doing good will prevent him from turning bad. Earlier in the season, he did it to have a purpose, and to give Dean a purpose. Sam never hunts for the hunt itself (though I wouldn't be surprised if he gets a thrill out of all the secret knowledge he's accumulated that "normal" people don't have).
For Dean, the "saving people" part of the equation has always been as important as the "hunting" things part. Dean hunts because he can’t save his mother, and he can’t save Jess, but he can save some random family from the pain his has gone through, and because he can’t turn his back on what’s out there in the dark, and because he’s good at it. I really want to see Dean get his love for hunting back. I think it’s truly his calling and his gift, and it hurts me that his joy in it has been taken away from him; I loved seeing him gleeful over a hunt in "Heart" and while I appreciate the slow graying of his black-and-white worldview, I would like to see him eventually regain his joy in what he does, and to see him keep doing it, because he's good at it, and he loves it, and it needs doing.
I would also, while I’m wishing for things, like to see an "It's a Wonderful Life" style episode where Dean and Sam both learn how important Dean’s been in Sam’s life, how Sam and John both were so much better off with him around.
~*~