it's not me that you love
More year-end narcissism! Because I love me!
It got long, because I do love to quote my own stories.
Favorite lines:
from A Million Light Years from Home:
"Ain't no such thing as magic," Mal is saying. "That's crazy talk."
"He turns into a dog, Mal. I seen it. Hell, you seen it." Jayne's hand never leaves his gun. "Can you turn into a dog?"
"River turned into Serenity once," Kaylee points out.
River slips into the room, putting herself between Sirius and the captain. "But not really."
"Well, no," Kaylee concedes.
and
"Drunks and dogs'll hump anything, they get lonely enough. Don't mean a thing."
*
from The Place Where:
"This here is our little patch of nothing," he'd said. "Ain't nobody gonna take it from us."
and
"Have to face it sometime."
"That's the plain truth," he says. "But you don't ever have to face it alone."
this is one of my favorite tropes in stories. I return to it a lot in my own writing.
*
From Another Gravity:
"Can't say you never thought about it," she says, enjoying the way he squirms a little.
"Now, how am I supposed to answer that?" His voice is low and rough; it makes her belly flip. "If I say I haven't, you get offended. If I say I have, I'm a lowdown lecherous hump can't look at a woman without wanting to fuck her. You got me coming and going."
and
She chose him once, when the 'verse went spinning wrong way up and everything seemed lost. Now she chooses him again.
and
Zoe will never call another man husband, but she's got a man she's proud to call captain and friend, and now, maybe something more than that. She thinks he'll do.
*
From Tending to Grace:
[...] they're all dressed up in someone else's lives, and Simon doesn't know if they're ever going to break free. He doesn't even know if he wants to.
and
"River--"
"Rebecca. Call me Rebecca and I'll build my life around you."
*
From Flowers for Parkinson:
And really, having worked with Neville now for a year, she understood that he was as much a true Gryffindor as Potter or Weasley--maybe even more so, because he understood the true cost of being courageous, while they often seemed to act on instinct, no thought involved until after the fact, when everything lay in pieces around them, and they could never understand why anyone else might be angry at the destruction.
and
Pansy felt her lip curl instinctively at the way his hair clashed with his Cannons jersey, and forced herself to assume the false smile of shopgirls everywhere, the one that said, "If I weren't being paid a slave wage to help you, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire." mainly 'cause that's my favoritest insult ever and I was so happy to finally be able to work it into a story.
and
She sighed in relief once they were gone--it wasn't so much the thought of spending time with Neville's friends that bothered her (the day she couldn't put Granger in her place with a well-chosen word was the day Pansy would turn in her wand and move to Muggle Manchester) as it was the notion of watching Neville pine over that redheaded twat who wasn't good enough to kiss his feet.
This version of Pansy was a lot of fun to write, and this Neville was adorable. In my head, this was a much longer, much wittier rom com.
*
From Where the heavens are shallow as the sea is now deep:
"So you think it's natural for a girl to find me fanciable?"
"When her other choices are Jayne or her brother, yes."
I kind of love this whole exchange:
"Come on out, River. I ain't mad at you. Just gave me a good scare this morning, is all."
River pokes her head out of the storage space but says nothing.
"That space is meant for cargo," Mal goes on. "Ain't no place for a girl in there."
"Might as well be cargo, the way you act."
Inara stops, caught, but they don't notice her at all. People so rarely look up, even when it would save them trouble. Of course, eavesdroppers never hear well of themselves, either, she thinks, amused.
Mal crouches down in front of the open panel, focused completely on River, whose white face stands out against the darkness behind her.
"Don't say things like that, bâobèi."
"Simon packed me as cargo."
"Most precious cargo we ever carried. You know that."
And from that same scene:
Her hand trembles and her tea sloshes in its cup, and her world turns itself inside out on the hinge of his words.
And also this:
Before she can speak--before she can even decide what she wants to say in the face of this betrayal--River meets her gaze squarely and says, "You say no when you want to say yes, and you think I should do the same. But I've seen what it's done to you, and I can't live like that."
*
From All That Stays Is Dying, All That Lives Is Getting Out:
He is all black and white and grey until Remus touches him--Remus, who is autumn wheat and winter cream, with skin the color of oatmeal, dappled with cinnamon freckles, eyes as brown as mud and hair the color of dishwater; Remus, with a heart that beats with furious, urgent life, under Sirius's lips, thump-thump thump-thump, as they move against each other.
The wicked scythe of Remus's mouth is red as maple leaves and swollen from kisses, and Sirius arches up to taste him again, to breathe him in, to suck out a piece of his soul to keep while he's away.
*
From From Horizon to Horizon:
Now she wonders if that's why Inara and Mal hadn't worked--he likes the truth straight and unvarnished, as uncomplicated as possible, like an old-fashioned Stirling engine, and Inara is like some fancy new Alliance technology, all angles polished till light bends round 'em, showing hundreds of possible truths instead of one, and nothing but complications everywhere you look.
and
"Thanks for returning my handkerchiefs," he says, smiling. "Funny thing about that--found these in my pocket, too." He pulls out the pair of knickers she'd slipped him--blue and lacy, the kind of thing she buys herself when she wants to feel pretty. "Call me crazy, but I thought it might be some kind of invitation."
She hooks her fingers in the waistband of his pants and pulls him close, giving him her best come-hither smile. "You think?"
"I surely do," he murmurs, and leans in to kiss her.
*
From The Likes of Which You Ain't Ever Seen:
"We all know now, Jayne, and I for one am going to spend some quality time tonight trying to get back to the place where I didn't."
*
From Another Skyline Disappears:
"Of course you're gonna knock 'em dead, Sammy," he murmurs. "Not literally. Well. That'd be a damn interesting interview if you had to, wouldn't it? But I don't think they make you whup undead ass to get into law school, do they?" He glances at Sam, head tipped against the window, eyes closed, face half-shadowed. "They'd have to be crazy not to grab you while they can." Sam is still silent except for the whoosh of his breathing, but he smiles, and Dean knows he heard.
*
From The naked floor reminds me:
Dean has always existed. Sam can't remember a time he wasn't there, all talk and motion--You okay, Sammy? Why don't you go to sleep now, Sammy? You gonna eat that, Sammy?--so it's hard to imagine there was ever a world without him, though when he gets older, he knows there must have been--thousands of years of human history completely empty of Dean Winchester and his restless energy. Sam doesn't like to think about it.
*
From Alone I Fear the Tide:
"You lit the pilot?"
"No, I'm just going to use the power of my mind to set things on fire. Oh wait, that's you."
and
He didn't say anything, letting his silence speak for him. That was all he had of their mother--silence and absence and threadbare, secondhand memories from Dean.
and
"It's just pie, dude," Dean says. "No need to get all emo."
and
Finally, Dean says, "Do the others come back, too?" and there's something so young and sad in his voice that Sam thinks his heart is going to break.
*
From The stars are small and ringed with our confusion:
"Zombies in Fort Myers," Sam is saying when Dean finally tunes in again.
"Zombies?" he asks, interested. They've never run into Romero-style zombies, aren't even sure they actually exist, but he's wanted to since he was old enough to sit through Night of the Living Dead on the late late movie, waiting for Dad to come home, Sam curled up asleep beside him.
"No, not really, but it's one of the only words that automatically gets your attention."
He throws the plastic cover of his coffee cup at Sam. "Bitch."
Sam wings it back at him, laughing. "Jerk."
And for a moment, everything is the way it should be.
*
From A Pocketful of Mumbles, Such Are Promises:
When you're far away from the personal apocalypse you've just unleashed (How far? Sam asks, his voice slurred with exhaustion and trembling with disbelief, and you say, Far enough, as steadily as you can, hands tight on the wheel), you stumble out of the car and into some anonymous motel in the middle of nowhere--it could be anywhere because it's everywhere you've ever been, so it feels just like home--and strip out of sweaty, bloodstained clothes, overcome with relief.
and
But the heat of his body surrounding yours blows that thought away like the fluff on a dandelion, like the only wishes you ever made, in secret desperation (please bring Mommy back, and please let Dad be all right, and please keep Sammy safe, and you figure one out of three ain't bad).
*
From Climbing Hand Over Hand to Get In:
"You okay?" he asks, and Sam looks at him incredulously, but there's no sarcasm in his voice or his face.
"Yeah," Sam answers, because what else can he say? His hand hurts, his brother's having an existential crisis of epic proportions, their father is dead, and there is still a demon out there stalking them. He's great, actually, thanks for asking. Instead of letting any of that out, he just says, "Yeah," again, though this time he can't keep the disbelief out of his voice.
*
From Follow me into the desert, as thirsty as you are:
"What are your family traditions?" she asks, wriggling back against him as he spoons her.
Salt lines and silver bullets. Latin, alchemy, and bow hunting. He must be taking too long, because she shifts, turns to face him. "Don't you have family, Sam?" she asks softly, kind now in a way she hasn't been before.
It's harder to lie when she's looking at him with pity in her eyes, but he opens his mouth to try anyway, to say, I'm an orphan, or even just, No, but instead, he says, "I have Dean."
*
From your ocean refuses no river:
The vision dissipates, and Sam wonders if shooting himself in the face would hurt less. possibly the best first line I've ever written. *g*
and
It reminds Sam of the three am conversations he used to have with his first roommate in college, who'd been majoring in philosophy, and spent most of his time stoned off his ass--conversations about life and death, the geometry of time, the liquid nature of sin. The kind of conversations he and Dean had had all too rarely as teenagers, because by the time he was old enough to have them, he'd decided he valued normal over everything Dean could teach him.
and
"Hey, hey, it's all right. I'm all right. Me and death, we're like this."
*
From I Have Gone Out:
All she can say is, No! No! as the flames engulf her, but what she means is, I love you, and I'm sorry, and the last thing she hears is Sam calling her name as his brother drags him to safety.
Once she knows Sam is safe, she's not afraid to die.
*
From Urge for Going:
"Everything's all right. I just need your husband's expertise for a few days."
"I know you're lying."
"I'm hurt, Tess. For once, I'm actually telling the truth."
and
"Call her back. Ask her to come with."
"Are you suggesting I lead my wife into a life of crime?"
"I was actually thinking about a life of debauchery and room service, but okay."
and
There was nothing Danny could say to that that wasn't a ridiculous lie or the complete truth, and he tried to tell neither if he could help it.
and
"You have no idea what you're doing," Rusty said, and even pitched low, his voice was startling after the long silence.
"I thought you were asleep."
"Well, I'm not."
"Obviously."
"Obviously." Rusty punched his pillow, turned over onto his side, facing away from Danny. The line of his shoulders was like the locked door of a bank vault to which Danny didn't have the combination, or the first clue how to open.
"I think my plan is perfectly feasible."
Rusty didn't budge. "I wasn't talking about the job."
"I know." Danny sighed and rubbed his forehead. "This was supposed to be easy." Rusty huffed. "I have no idea what I'm doing."
"Obviously."
*
From The Atheist Christmas Carol:
November signals fire and death on the Winchester calendar, a page to be ripped out, avoided, ignored for as long as possible, until the bright glory of the leaves fades to the monochrome gray of approaching winter, and December is on the horizon. The weeks melt into each other, and they don't even remember Thanksgiving until it's another boring Thursday in the rearview mirror, the only reminder of the holiday the dry turkey on special at the truck-stop Dean chooses somewhere on the road in Arkansas, eyes shadowed with exhaustion, hands white-knuckled on the wheel.
and
"Dude," he says in an awed whisper. He clears his throat and tries again, but again, only comes up with, "Dude."
*
From Leave At Your Own Chosen Speed:
When he presses up against her, there's no heart beating in her chest, and no pulse fluttering at the base of her throat. Her flesh is soft and yielding under his hands, but he reminds himself she's not human, not anything he should be anywhere near without a knife in his hand and hunting on his mind. Dead thing, just like him, only she's all dressed up in a pretty girl body. She's hot, wet, and tight when he fucks into her; he's needy and desperate and angry about it, hips thrusting relentlessly, as if he can fuck them both back to life.
*
I have been meh all day today. But I have two more days off, which is awesome, and I have this piece of homemade cheesecake the size of a Buick that I have slowly been eating my way through for the past hour, and now I think I will get to writing, after spending my day tooling around the internet like a lazyass.
*
It got long, because I do love to quote my own stories.
Favorite lines:
from A Million Light Years from Home:
"Ain't no such thing as magic," Mal is saying. "That's crazy talk."
"He turns into a dog, Mal. I seen it. Hell, you seen it." Jayne's hand never leaves his gun. "Can you turn into a dog?"
"River turned into Serenity once," Kaylee points out.
River slips into the room, putting herself between Sirius and the captain. "But not really."
"Well, no," Kaylee concedes.
and
"Drunks and dogs'll hump anything, they get lonely enough. Don't mean a thing."
*
from The Place Where:
"This here is our little patch of nothing," he'd said. "Ain't nobody gonna take it from us."
and
"Have to face it sometime."
"That's the plain truth," he says. "But you don't ever have to face it alone."
this is one of my favorite tropes in stories. I return to it a lot in my own writing.
*
From Another Gravity:
"Can't say you never thought about it," she says, enjoying the way he squirms a little.
"Now, how am I supposed to answer that?" His voice is low and rough; it makes her belly flip. "If I say I haven't, you get offended. If I say I have, I'm a lowdown lecherous hump can't look at a woman without wanting to fuck her. You got me coming and going."
and
She chose him once, when the 'verse went spinning wrong way up and everything seemed lost. Now she chooses him again.
and
Zoe will never call another man husband, but she's got a man she's proud to call captain and friend, and now, maybe something more than that. She thinks he'll do.
*
From Tending to Grace:
[...] they're all dressed up in someone else's lives, and Simon doesn't know if they're ever going to break free. He doesn't even know if he wants to.
and
"River--"
"Rebecca. Call me Rebecca and I'll build my life around you."
*
From Flowers for Parkinson:
And really, having worked with Neville now for a year, she understood that he was as much a true Gryffindor as Potter or Weasley--maybe even more so, because he understood the true cost of being courageous, while they often seemed to act on instinct, no thought involved until after the fact, when everything lay in pieces around them, and they could never understand why anyone else might be angry at the destruction.
and
Pansy felt her lip curl instinctively at the way his hair clashed with his Cannons jersey, and forced herself to assume the false smile of shopgirls everywhere, the one that said, "If I weren't being paid a slave wage to help you, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire." mainly 'cause that's my favoritest insult ever and I was so happy to finally be able to work it into a story.
and
She sighed in relief once they were gone--it wasn't so much the thought of spending time with Neville's friends that bothered her (the day she couldn't put Granger in her place with a well-chosen word was the day Pansy would turn in her wand and move to Muggle Manchester) as it was the notion of watching Neville pine over that redheaded twat who wasn't good enough to kiss his feet.
This version of Pansy was a lot of fun to write, and this Neville was adorable. In my head, this was a much longer, much wittier rom com.
*
From Where the heavens are shallow as the sea is now deep:
"So you think it's natural for a girl to find me fanciable?"
"When her other choices are Jayne or her brother, yes."
I kind of love this whole exchange:
"Come on out, River. I ain't mad at you. Just gave me a good scare this morning, is all."
River pokes her head out of the storage space but says nothing.
"That space is meant for cargo," Mal goes on. "Ain't no place for a girl in there."
"Might as well be cargo, the way you act."
Inara stops, caught, but they don't notice her at all. People so rarely look up, even when it would save them trouble. Of course, eavesdroppers never hear well of themselves, either, she thinks, amused.
Mal crouches down in front of the open panel, focused completely on River, whose white face stands out against the darkness behind her.
"Don't say things like that, bâobèi."
"Simon packed me as cargo."
"Most precious cargo we ever carried. You know that."
And from that same scene:
Her hand trembles and her tea sloshes in its cup, and her world turns itself inside out on the hinge of his words.
And also this:
Before she can speak--before she can even decide what she wants to say in the face of this betrayal--River meets her gaze squarely and says, "You say no when you want to say yes, and you think I should do the same. But I've seen what it's done to you, and I can't live like that."
*
From All That Stays Is Dying, All That Lives Is Getting Out:
He is all black and white and grey until Remus touches him--Remus, who is autumn wheat and winter cream, with skin the color of oatmeal, dappled with cinnamon freckles, eyes as brown as mud and hair the color of dishwater; Remus, with a heart that beats with furious, urgent life, under Sirius's lips, thump-thump thump-thump, as they move against each other.
The wicked scythe of Remus's mouth is red as maple leaves and swollen from kisses, and Sirius arches up to taste him again, to breathe him in, to suck out a piece of his soul to keep while he's away.
*
From From Horizon to Horizon:
Now she wonders if that's why Inara and Mal hadn't worked--he likes the truth straight and unvarnished, as uncomplicated as possible, like an old-fashioned Stirling engine, and Inara is like some fancy new Alliance technology, all angles polished till light bends round 'em, showing hundreds of possible truths instead of one, and nothing but complications everywhere you look.
and
"Thanks for returning my handkerchiefs," he says, smiling. "Funny thing about that--found these in my pocket, too." He pulls out the pair of knickers she'd slipped him--blue and lacy, the kind of thing she buys herself when she wants to feel pretty. "Call me crazy, but I thought it might be some kind of invitation."
She hooks her fingers in the waistband of his pants and pulls him close, giving him her best come-hither smile. "You think?"
"I surely do," he murmurs, and leans in to kiss her.
*
From The Likes of Which You Ain't Ever Seen:
"We all know now, Jayne, and I for one am going to spend some quality time tonight trying to get back to the place where I didn't."
*
From Another Skyline Disappears:
"Of course you're gonna knock 'em dead, Sammy," he murmurs. "Not literally. Well. That'd be a damn interesting interview if you had to, wouldn't it? But I don't think they make you whup undead ass to get into law school, do they?" He glances at Sam, head tipped against the window, eyes closed, face half-shadowed. "They'd have to be crazy not to grab you while they can." Sam is still silent except for the whoosh of his breathing, but he smiles, and Dean knows he heard.
*
From The naked floor reminds me:
Dean has always existed. Sam can't remember a time he wasn't there, all talk and motion--You okay, Sammy? Why don't you go to sleep now, Sammy? You gonna eat that, Sammy?--so it's hard to imagine there was ever a world without him, though when he gets older, he knows there must have been--thousands of years of human history completely empty of Dean Winchester and his restless energy. Sam doesn't like to think about it.
*
From Alone I Fear the Tide:
"You lit the pilot?"
"No, I'm just going to use the power of my mind to set things on fire. Oh wait, that's you."
and
He didn't say anything, letting his silence speak for him. That was all he had of their mother--silence and absence and threadbare, secondhand memories from Dean.
and
"It's just pie, dude," Dean says. "No need to get all emo."
and
Finally, Dean says, "Do the others come back, too?" and there's something so young and sad in his voice that Sam thinks his heart is going to break.
*
From The stars are small and ringed with our confusion:
"Zombies in Fort Myers," Sam is saying when Dean finally tunes in again.
"Zombies?" he asks, interested. They've never run into Romero-style zombies, aren't even sure they actually exist, but he's wanted to since he was old enough to sit through Night of the Living Dead on the late late movie, waiting for Dad to come home, Sam curled up asleep beside him.
"No, not really, but it's one of the only words that automatically gets your attention."
He throws the plastic cover of his coffee cup at Sam. "Bitch."
Sam wings it back at him, laughing. "Jerk."
And for a moment, everything is the way it should be.
*
From A Pocketful of Mumbles, Such Are Promises:
When you're far away from the personal apocalypse you've just unleashed (How far? Sam asks, his voice slurred with exhaustion and trembling with disbelief, and you say, Far enough, as steadily as you can, hands tight on the wheel), you stumble out of the car and into some anonymous motel in the middle of nowhere--it could be anywhere because it's everywhere you've ever been, so it feels just like home--and strip out of sweaty, bloodstained clothes, overcome with relief.
and
But the heat of his body surrounding yours blows that thought away like the fluff on a dandelion, like the only wishes you ever made, in secret desperation (please bring Mommy back, and please let Dad be all right, and please keep Sammy safe, and you figure one out of three ain't bad).
*
From Climbing Hand Over Hand to Get In:
"You okay?" he asks, and Sam looks at him incredulously, but there's no sarcasm in his voice or his face.
"Yeah," Sam answers, because what else can he say? His hand hurts, his brother's having an existential crisis of epic proportions, their father is dead, and there is still a demon out there stalking them. He's great, actually, thanks for asking. Instead of letting any of that out, he just says, "Yeah," again, though this time he can't keep the disbelief out of his voice.
*
From Follow me into the desert, as thirsty as you are:
"What are your family traditions?" she asks, wriggling back against him as he spoons her.
Salt lines and silver bullets. Latin, alchemy, and bow hunting. He must be taking too long, because she shifts, turns to face him. "Don't you have family, Sam?" she asks softly, kind now in a way she hasn't been before.
It's harder to lie when she's looking at him with pity in her eyes, but he opens his mouth to try anyway, to say, I'm an orphan, or even just, No, but instead, he says, "I have Dean."
*
From your ocean refuses no river:
The vision dissipates, and Sam wonders if shooting himself in the face would hurt less. possibly the best first line I've ever written. *g*
and
It reminds Sam of the three am conversations he used to have with his first roommate in college, who'd been majoring in philosophy, and spent most of his time stoned off his ass--conversations about life and death, the geometry of time, the liquid nature of sin. The kind of conversations he and Dean had had all too rarely as teenagers, because by the time he was old enough to have them, he'd decided he valued normal over everything Dean could teach him.
and
"Hey, hey, it's all right. I'm all right. Me and death, we're like this."
*
From I Have Gone Out:
All she can say is, No! No! as the flames engulf her, but what she means is, I love you, and I'm sorry, and the last thing she hears is Sam calling her name as his brother drags him to safety.
Once she knows Sam is safe, she's not afraid to die.
*
From Urge for Going:
"Everything's all right. I just need your husband's expertise for a few days."
"I know you're lying."
"I'm hurt, Tess. For once, I'm actually telling the truth."
and
"Call her back. Ask her to come with."
"Are you suggesting I lead my wife into a life of crime?"
"I was actually thinking about a life of debauchery and room service, but okay."
and
There was nothing Danny could say to that that wasn't a ridiculous lie or the complete truth, and he tried to tell neither if he could help it.
and
"You have no idea what you're doing," Rusty said, and even pitched low, his voice was startling after the long silence.
"I thought you were asleep."
"Well, I'm not."
"Obviously."
"Obviously." Rusty punched his pillow, turned over onto his side, facing away from Danny. The line of his shoulders was like the locked door of a bank vault to which Danny didn't have the combination, or the first clue how to open.
"I think my plan is perfectly feasible."
Rusty didn't budge. "I wasn't talking about the job."
"I know." Danny sighed and rubbed his forehead. "This was supposed to be easy." Rusty huffed. "I have no idea what I'm doing."
"Obviously."
*
From The Atheist Christmas Carol:
November signals fire and death on the Winchester calendar, a page to be ripped out, avoided, ignored for as long as possible, until the bright glory of the leaves fades to the monochrome gray of approaching winter, and December is on the horizon. The weeks melt into each other, and they don't even remember Thanksgiving until it's another boring Thursday in the rearview mirror, the only reminder of the holiday the dry turkey on special at the truck-stop Dean chooses somewhere on the road in Arkansas, eyes shadowed with exhaustion, hands white-knuckled on the wheel.
and
"Dude," he says in an awed whisper. He clears his throat and tries again, but again, only comes up with, "Dude."
*
From Leave At Your Own Chosen Speed:
When he presses up against her, there's no heart beating in her chest, and no pulse fluttering at the base of her throat. Her flesh is soft and yielding under his hands, but he reminds himself she's not human, not anything he should be anywhere near without a knife in his hand and hunting on his mind. Dead thing, just like him, only she's all dressed up in a pretty girl body. She's hot, wet, and tight when he fucks into her; he's needy and desperate and angry about it, hips thrusting relentlessly, as if he can fuck them both back to life.
*
I have been meh all day today. But I have two more days off, which is awesome, and I have this piece of homemade cheesecake the size of a Buick that I have slowly been eating my way through for the past hour, and now I think I will get to writing, after spending my day tooling around the internet like a lazyass.
*