[Pre-14th post] The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
[Ever since he had gotten back to the DR, Hunter had simply gone to pick up Seren from the daycare and left a note for thanks to be picked up by Kanda later on. Zane had been taken care of since the puppy was laying about just like normal, rolling over when the brunette poked his stomach with a boot. With his daughter in bed he had shed the Crow
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He can hear all of it, though. Knows how to recognize even the dimmer sounds thanks to that week for what they're really worth; the light note of deep cracking, the love. Everything. And it wasn't like it wasn't entirely the same for Allen... he did love Chase. In his own, slight way.
He stares for a moment longer though, making sure Chase is really there. And he knows; knows he shouldn't get any closer, shouldn't do anything either of them might not like later, but...]
...I-i thought... [He takes another step into the room, and another, trying to balance them carefully. No. No, he couldn't do anything stupid, but... but Chase was back.
It happens far too quickly for Allen to even think of the matter anymore; one moment he's still lingering by the door, and the next he's on the couch, wrapping his arms around Chase and burying his face into the hollow of his shoulder.
He thought you were gone.]
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He still hasn't looked Allen's way, listening to his footsteps in the room. He wants to stop him and ask him to leave but part of him doesn't want Allen to leave again, something he knows - yet again - that won't ever be.
Then there are arms around him and a face in his - good - shoulder and that heartbroken tone gets louder even as his arms wrap around Allen lightly in return. The Crow's head leans only a little toward his, nose tickled by the white strands, sorry if his hair smells funny from the dye.]
Sorry.
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If you asked him to stay, he'd stay, you know. Not forever, but... as long as he had before. Because even if they weren't the same ass that week, it wasn't the same for him as it had been before that, either. There was something that had felt so utterly empty and alone with the knowledge that Chase might not come back... so while Chase is only lightly holding onto him, Allen is almost clinging with the way his arms are around Chase, the embrace tight. Almost afraid - but not entirely unlike the ones from that week. From before they said they'd loved each other, the same kind of fear Chase had felt at the thought of maybe losing Allen.
He isn't paying much attention to the way Chase smells yet, though; but he'll notice it in a moment.]
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He holds lightly because he's in the process of shutting down so he can get through this meeting, the noises quieting reluctantly. And while he can't shut them off all the way they're all muted now. He allows himself one moment to push his face in Allen's hair, soaking in the feeling of his embrace and scent, hiding it away.
A hand lifts and strokes the back of his hair.] I went home for a while.
[His hand drops and he starts to let go of Allen, his accent hidden once more.] Seren's missed you, you should go see her.
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And while Chase does that Allen tilts his head to press his nose to the column of the Crow's neck, breathing in deep - and he wrinkles his nose a bit at the odd smell clinging to his skin (from the dye), but otherwise, he's entirely content to stay that way. ...at least until the arms around him, no matter how light the embrace had been, drop.
...it didn't matter how much he wanted to cling to that time. He'd already lost it, hadn't he?
So reluctantly, Allen unwinds his arms from around Chase - though before he pulls away, he leaves a kiss just under the Crow's jaw. Probably the last one Allen would ever get to give him.]
...she's asleep, isn't she? [even the accent...] I don't wanna wake her...
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He's all closed off now, trying so hard to hide those noises from Allen as he turns his head away. It might have been a time easier to get back, honestly, if things weren't so damn complicated. Allen could have kept clinging and perhaps those arms might have gone back around him for a while longer.
But the kiss just shoves a knife in his heart and twists it more, feels just like when Fourteenth killed him and Chase has to close his eyes once more. Gather strength.]
She's been sleeping fitfully lately anyway. [Go see her so he can step out and leave you two alone.]
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He could have, but he thinks... it probably would have made Chase even more unhappy if he had. Everything is always so damn complicated. As it is, that sudden wrenching sound, the tearing has Allen already regretting it. He has to resist the urge to physically flinch that's how bad it is.]
...Are you sure? [Please don't go. He just found you again. Even if it's not the same, even if it's... just don't go.]
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It would have and at the same time he would have probably started to cling himself, almost breaking down and asking him to stay. So perhaps it's best that Allen let go. This close he wouldn't have seen it but he would felt it.]
I'm sure, she might settle down after seeing you. [His tone might not be apologetic but his posture certainly is, he doesn't want to leave or to let Allen leave later on. As soon as Allen goes in to see Seren he walks into his office, notes in hand and quickly places up ofuda to keep the vampire out. They're activated with a quiet hum and it's only a moment longer before Chase writes a note (I'm sorry, Allen.) that gets slipped out into the main room.
He hadn't meant to hurt the vampire and it's obvious that he had, but still he can't deal with this. Even if Allen wasn't the one that "left" it feels like what they had did, they no longer belong to each other and Chase feels that he can't hold him to that promise. But he is going to hold to the other two made, he owes Allen the last one and the first is for his health. The Crow knows it'll set Lavi's mind at ease at least to know that Allen is getting a healthy meal at least once a month.
But if Allen wants to stubbornly stay he's welcome to. If he wants to knock the door down or a wall in, fine. Chase is just sitting in the corner of the room, hands in his red-brown hair and eyes closed as he tries not to cry. He's letting the best thing that happened to him go because of those complications.]
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Though it's reluctant - so very reluctant, Allen slips away from Chase and the couch, lingering in that spot (hoping Chase would grab him and ask him to stay) for a few moments before he steps quietly over to the door to the bedroom, and shuts it behind him. He doesn't go to pick Seren up immediately though, instead leaning against the door, listening. He can hear Chase move to stand, hear him go into another room and close the door. The quiet hum of the ofuda, keeping him out.
...the easiest thing to do would be to just return the gesture. To block Chase out as well, to disconnect, to not let anything in, not let Chase in, ever again-- but he didn't want that.
Why couldn't he do it anymore..?
He drags in a shaky breath, and goes over to gently wake Seren from her restless sleep and pick her up. Let her comfort him and wipe clumsily at his misty eyes. She was a sweet little girl, after all, and for a little while Allen hid out in the room with her. But time went by, and Seren dozed off properly, and Allen left the bedroom not long later.
...the note is easy to find, and when he reads it over Allen makes a slight, miserable little sound. He won't break the door or the wall down, though. Won't make a fuss. Not when he'd just gotten Seren to rest.
But regardless of just when Chase walks out of that room, he'll find Allen sitting just outside it, knees pulled up and his face tucked against them, hiding behind his arms with the note in hand. If there are windows in this part of the Chase's little home, he hasn't touched them at all.]
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She'll be a good girl and be quiet, hugging and kissing him like normal and even helping wipe away the tears from his good eye. Though with Allen near she easily falls back asleep, clinging to his cloak. When he makes to leave she'll let go with two words 'come back', daycare has been teaching her.
Chase flinches inside the room, having heard it and feeling even worse for having shut himself away. He had to in order to not break down, having Allen close is a damn curse. It's harder for some reason than it was last time to see him and not be able to love him the way he wants to, perhaps they both loved each other and said as much with words as well as actions.
He won't leave until close to dawn, thinking that he's given Allen enough time to leave if he had stayed. Why would he linger? They had to talk, yes, but couldn't that wait until they both weren't hurting as much?
Pausing just as he opens the door, seeing Allen there. For a brief moment he thinks of hiding back in his office again, then he glances at the window when the false dawn is finishing up.] You idiot!
[Hoisting him up by both arms and tugging him into the bedroom where there aren't any, pushing him at the bed. Chase doesn't shut the door but he does leave the room to shut those curtains in the kitchen that would have hit Allen with the first rays of the day where he was sitting. He stays at the counter, gripping it tight enough to make his knuckles white and his hands complain of cramps. Dares not go into the bedroom, dares not show his tear streaked face to Allen.
His words come out choked with emotion despite having tried to hide them away.] Why are you still here?
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The words tug at his heart, but he doesn't go without softly promising to come back. he always would, if at least for her.
He'll wait the entire night if he has to, Chase should know that. He's an Allen; damn stubborn and reckless and occasionally thoughtless. Still, he doesn't look up until Chase yells, for as often as he'd been in the room it had never once been that close to daylight. He's a little surprised in a bleary way as he's dragged off and shoved at the bed, where he lands with a clumsy stumble over his own feet - damn sunlight - and he waits there a moment before he hears the curtains close.]
...I didn't know what else to do. [He pauses, and Chase might hear him standing up from his spot on the bed. Quietly making his way to the doorway.] ...I don't know what else to say, either... [He doesn't. Not at all - but he didn't want to leave. Who knew how things would be if he did, who knew just how much would change? He didn't want it. Any of it.
When he speaks, his voice cracks, as he cautiously peers out at Chase.]
... I missed you.
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He had hoped that some sense or at least some survival instinct would have kicked in and sent him on his way by now. But it's almost impossible now for Allen to get back to Lavi's without being caught by the sun, it is impossible.]
Gone back to Lavi's like always. [A bit of hurt, jealousy, bitterness that he doesn't really mean. He takes a moment to wet a washcloth, wiping his face clear of the tears though his eyes are still red.] I'm not special like him anymore.
[And immediately he bites his tongue, hearing that he's missed with that kind of tone. Chase takes in a shaky breath, turning around though he keeps the washcloth pressed to his eyes, body saying for him that he missed Allen too.]
I can't be number two, Allen. I'm sorry. [Grips the cloth tight enough that the water trails down his face and arms onto his shirt.] I can't do that again. [Sliding down to the floor as he lets the cloth fall, hands pushing into his hair again.] I... ["love you but..."] I can't.
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An Allen with survival instincts that actually work? Surely you jest. If he had to he could travel through the rafters, he wouldn't stay without having at least some kind of out. That would be too cruel to Chase.] Of course you are...
[He can hear the soft ache of loneliness though, of missing someone, just as clearly as he can that hurt and bitterness. They surprise him - he hadn't thought of Chase as the jealous type, but then again he was all over the place emotionally right now. They both were.
Allen slowly steps closer, hesitantly, though that knife that went through Chase's heart earlier goes through his own at the words. Being with Aiden and Lavi - if you could call that "being with" Lavi - had given him such a fucking complex about being second. Always, it seemed, that was what happened. And it had made him so paranoid and upset and miserable, and now he was literally doing that exact same thing to Chase, right down to a T. "I love you, but I love them more". The words were almost exactly the same.
...it was probably a sign that he should stop. Should return Chase's feelings while Chase would still let him, leave Lavi and Yupunzel in peace-- but he just couldn't. And god did he hate himself for not being able to.
Allen drops to his knees beside Chase, tears streaming down his own cheeks now, and reaches over to press a kiss to the Crow's cheek before he wraps his arms around him again. His words barely come out in a choked whisper.] I'm sorry... [What the hell kind of terrible person was he..?]
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It never came up? Yeah, he is one of those types. And just like a Tyki/Joyd he can be damn possessive should it come up, we already know he's protective. Love is so rare with him that all his emotions are unlocked and he tries so hard to cling to it until he knows that it's no longer any good to try. They're going to go and leave him no matter what he tries to do and he's not going to make them stay against their will. It just makes them hate each other in the end.
Chase doesn't want the hurt of being chosen after someone else, the knowing that there's someone else that Allen's heart is invested in or that he's thinking about when they're together. Or that he looks forward to going back to them instead of wanting...wanting to stay with him. Chase knows he's not someone people like to stay around for long but it still hurts when it's someone he loves. He went through all that once and even with Aiden he didn't really think of himself being the other redhead's number one, he lost that position when he had gone home and come back not knowing he had been to the DR before. Probably even before that.
If Allen returned them now there wouldn't ever be fear from Chase that Allen still loves Lavi more than him, that he wasn't number one. But he knows just as well as Allen that he won't. That he'll go back to the younger redhead and live with his unrequited love. And Chase will be left to build his walls up again, he had to.
A kiss to the cheek and another twist of the knife, and yet Chase can't find it in him to push Allen away like he should. Instead his arms go around the vampire and his head tucks down under Allen's head on his shoulder, hiding his face from view as he tries once more to build up his strength. He can't, he finds, not with Allen this close but he can't make himself let go anymore, arms tighten around him as the Crow almost pulls him on his lap just to keep him close.] Just... Just let me say good-bye.
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Guess not. Mostly he never realized it because he never really heard it from Chase before; never had a reason to, which also surprises him. He would have thought he'd hear something like that directed at himself because of Aiden, at least the bitterness... as things stand he doesn't totally understand Chase's own complex with not being second. He always thought Chase was the most important to Aiden - though he wouldn't be surprised if Chase ended up coming second to the Clan. Especially after he found Aiden's library.
It probably wouldn't be like that with Allen, though. For as much as he wanted to go be with Lavi, he'd want to be with Chase just as much when he was with him. It isn't that Allen wouldn't want to stay, it's just... there are people that mean so damn much to him, even Lavi doesn't get him all the time.
He would if he could. If he could bear to, he'd drop it in an instant, beg Chase to let him stay despite all his screw ups and mistakes. ...but he can't. The idea of just leaving Lavi like that is too terrible, for both him and for Lavi.
Allen's own arms tighten around the Crow though as he's half tugged onto his lap, and he cranes his neck to lean his head against Chase's, tilting it to press his nose into his hair. It's an awkward position, but he doesn't much care. Though hesitantly, Allen eventually nods his agreement, his voice just as choked.] ...okay.
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By the time that Allen talked to Chase about being with Aiden the Crow was resigned and shutting down already, there wasn't enough strength in him to try and make those sounds. But Allen...it was still so fresh and he could remember it like it was yesterday instead of weeks ago, feeling loved like he had and being able to love that way back. Aiden didn't fight for him, he's probably fought to remember Allen more than the Crow mentioned in his notes. Didn't even recognize Seren when it was her birthday and he came across them.
It's what he fears, though. And he doesn't know any better because he's never had anyone prove those fears wrong, always right. He'd understand going to visit people, honestly, but spending the days without telling him or disappearing for days and nights. Another fear he doesn't want to deal with because it leads to thoughts of being ranked second or even less. Easing away would be understood but Chase can't bring himself to ask that of Allen.
The Crow's body makes noises of protest and pain but Chase isn't letting go, moving to hide his face in the crook of Allen's neck. He doesn't want to let go and really Allen won't get him to without forcing him for a few hours into the day. Chase doesn't speak again, either, instead just silently crying and getting his heartbreak out.]
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