5:30 am..........
so it has been forever since i have even looked at this site...
it seemed enthralling at the time, sorry chris, but somehow reading about other peoples lives seems utterly depressing to me.
i wish i had more to say, or at least something to offer but i don't. who really cares anyway?
maybe it's choices i've made, or didn't make for that matter... it all seems futile to me, is this my random tapping on a keyboard going to be the indelable mark i, or anyone else, leave on this world? my own private diary for everyone to read.
it all seems like masturbation to me.. this gushing of inner voice so someone out there might read it. maybe they will think i am witty, or cool, or insiteful.
or maybe they will just think i am a bad speller. i guess i could just check the box for spell check but that just seems just disingenuous.
i have offically drifted away from everyone i once knew... it is probably due to my lack of communication skills, or more likely just the lack of effort i put forth to keep in touch... regardless i still like to blame others for it, no one ever likes to think it is their own damn fault, but per usual it most likely is..
maybe people don't like the person i've become and they feel they need to keep a distance, or that because of my choices i have nothing to offer them. they are probably right, what do i really have to say to them? nothing... and it's a damn shame... but still i like to over anaylize the situation and fill in the gaps with my own truths, however far from reality they may be, so that i can understand the different paths life decides to lead us down.
but that is symantics about free will and fate and all the other trite conversations i have with my college friends, we are all making excuses for what our subconcious is already doing.
i am still at a loss for what to say to people, or even more how to act around them, who to trust and who to remain loyal too. it seems less and less my phone rings except to ask a favor. maybe it's better that way, at least i don't have to deal with the monitary stress of the night on the town, it's not like i could afford it anyway, my finaces are tightly locked in exactly enough to pay the bills and buy the occasional pack of smokes.
it is a time for change though... and changes are comming, they will probably cast me further out side of the circle i was once a part of, but this is part of life and how we live it.
maybe this transition will be good for me, i'm tired of people who need taking care of, people who don't really own up to their own shortcommings... but this is probably just a manifistation of what i don't like about myself and my own inadaquacies. most likely i just need to get out more and sieze the day, seems like weeks and moths and years now bleed together to for this one giant mist of memories and things that just don't seem relavant anymore.
maybe i didn't live up to my own responceabilities, maybe i just didn't give it the effort it deserved, but regardless i have to wake up each day an live the life that i have carved out for my self, as does everyone.
this is the way the world ends
this is the way the world ends
this is the way the world ends
not with a bang
but a wimper.
it seemed enthralling at the time, sorry chris, but somehow reading about other peoples lives seems utterly depressing to me.
i wish i had more to say, or at least something to offer but i don't. who really cares anyway?
maybe it's choices i've made, or didn't make for that matter... it all seems futile to me, is this my random tapping on a keyboard going to be the indelable mark i, or anyone else, leave on this world? my own private diary for everyone to read.
it all seems like masturbation to me.. this gushing of inner voice so someone out there might read it. maybe they will think i am witty, or cool, or insiteful.
or maybe they will just think i am a bad speller. i guess i could just check the box for spell check but that just seems just disingenuous.
i have offically drifted away from everyone i once knew... it is probably due to my lack of communication skills, or more likely just the lack of effort i put forth to keep in touch... regardless i still like to blame others for it, no one ever likes to think it is their own damn fault, but per usual it most likely is..
maybe people don't like the person i've become and they feel they need to keep a distance, or that because of my choices i have nothing to offer them. they are probably right, what do i really have to say to them? nothing... and it's a damn shame... but still i like to over anaylize the situation and fill in the gaps with my own truths, however far from reality they may be, so that i can understand the different paths life decides to lead us down.
but that is symantics about free will and fate and all the other trite conversations i have with my college friends, we are all making excuses for what our subconcious is already doing.
i am still at a loss for what to say to people, or even more how to act around them, who to trust and who to remain loyal too. it seems less and less my phone rings except to ask a favor. maybe it's better that way, at least i don't have to deal with the monitary stress of the night on the town, it's not like i could afford it anyway, my finaces are tightly locked in exactly enough to pay the bills and buy the occasional pack of smokes.
it is a time for change though... and changes are comming, they will probably cast me further out side of the circle i was once a part of, but this is part of life and how we live it.
maybe this transition will be good for me, i'm tired of people who need taking care of, people who don't really own up to their own shortcommings... but this is probably just a manifistation of what i don't like about myself and my own inadaquacies. most likely i just need to get out more and sieze the day, seems like weeks and moths and years now bleed together to for this one giant mist of memories and things that just don't seem relavant anymore.
maybe i didn't live up to my own responceabilities, maybe i just didn't give it the effort it deserved, but regardless i have to wake up each day an live the life that i have carved out for my self, as does everyone.
this is the way the world ends
this is the way the world ends
this is the way the world ends
not with a bang
but a wimper.