The (Idiotic) Things We Do For Love for rs_remix

[museme87]

Title: The (Idiotic) Things We Do For Love ( A Black Favor Remix)
Author: museme87
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R, mostly for strong language
Word Count: 9,142
Warnings: genderswap, oblivious and pining Sirius, a bit of sexual content
Summary: Despite the fact that Remus is notoriously straight, Sirius will stop at nothing to win the heart of the man he loves, even if it means risking his manhood in the process.
Author's Notes: Written for rs_remix. This was my first remix, so I was a bit intimidated, and especially so after I was assigned to rhye, who is such a great author! A huge thank you to L for the beta.



It's obscene, really-all that smiling and laughing. Obscene and vomit-inducing and, Merlin's bollocks, he shouldn't have to sit here watching them. Who the hell does she think she is, anyway, looking at his Moony like that? Making those eyes and giggling. And why does Moony have to do that Moony-thing where he pretends to be kind in lieu of hurting someone's feelings? Because, frankly, he can't honestly be interested in her.

Can he?

Sirius pushes his mash and carrots about his plate, sulking with a grimace on his face. His eyes are trained on Remus, who is speaking with Wendy Collins. Collins is a fifth year prefect from Hufflepuff, pretty-though not enough to tempt him--with big, blue eyes. Sure, Sirius supposes that she's smart, though he'd like to think that she's not quite bright enough to keep Remus' interest for long. Remus hasn't tired of her yet, though, and it's been fifteen minutes for what was supposed to have been a quick schedule confirmation.

"-looking at, Padfoot?"

Shaking himself from his thoughts, Sirius turns to a concerned-looking James. James glances over his shoulder to where Sirius' eyes had been previously directed and frowns. Sirius doesn't like that frown-the one that denotes a spark in James' interest. Because Sirius' unrequited love for Remus is one of the very few aspects of Sirius' life filed away under Things James Can Never Know. His interest in blokes is one thing-something that James does know about-but his interest in one of their own? That's another matter entirely.

"Oh nothing," Sirius mutters, directing his eyes to the now-squashed carrots on his plate.

"Fancy Collins?" Peter asks. "Because Caroline is Herbology partners with her, and I'm sure I could have her put in a good word for you."

Sirius rolls his eyes; as if he needs Pete's girlfriend-or anyone for that matter-to put in a good word for him. He's quite popular, after all, and never in need of a date. The only issue is, of course, the one person that he wants is the one person who has absolutely no romantic interest in him.

"Ta, Wormtail, but I'm not interested in Collins."

Peter shrugs. "Suit yourself, mate."

Once his dismissal of Collins is out there, James raises his eyebrow sharply in accusation. Sirius knows what this means-So if you don't fancy Collins, do you fancy Remus?- and hopes his poker face is up to par tonight. Sirius rolls his eyes once more-What are you on about, Prongs?. Apparently, his poker face is rather shoddy because James furrows his brow deeply-You know exactly "what I'm on about". And Sirius shakes his head in response-No, I don't fancy him, alright?!

With one more skeptical glance, James promptly drops their silent conversation in order to greet Lily. Sirius is grateful for the reprieve, as it allows him the opportunity to stealthily redirect his attention to Remus. He's still chatting animatedly with Wendy, though now he's taken a seat next to her in favor of standing.

Sighing, Sirius wishes that Remus was a hell of a lot less straight.

~~~

Half eleven and Moony still isn't back yet from prefect rounds. Sirius huffs, returning his pocket watch to his bedside table, and stares miserably up at the scarlet canopy of his four poster. Moony is never out this late; no, he runs a very tight schedule, and little changes such as this occur very rarely. He would have told them if he were going to be out late.

Perhaps it wouldn't have bothered Sirius so much if he hadn't known that Remus had rounds with Collins tonight. But as it stands, he does know, and his stomach is nearly queasy because of it. It's ridiculous really, all this lovesickness. Sirius thought it would go away after a while. However, six months into this passing fancy, Sirius begins to wonder if it's passing at all.

Uncomfortable and miserable, Sirius flops into a different position in his bed. He wishes he could get to sleep but has had no such luck thus far. It's the thought of Moony, out roaming the castle with that bleeding Hufflepuff that eats away at him. They've probably made a stop at the Astronomy tower. Collins probably has that ruddy mouth of hers around Remus' gorgeous cock. She's probably not even good; certainly not as good as he is. If Moony would only give him the opportunity to show off his talents, Sirius is certain he'd swear off birds forever.

But that's what all this comes down to-opportunity.

They'd be perfect for each other; Sirius is certain of it. They get along brilliantly as friends, so what would it matter if they added shagging into the mix? It wouldn't matter much, Sirius thinks, if it weren't for the fact that Remus is the straightest bloke he's ever met. Straight as in, not gay. Straight as in, not bloody likely interested in him.

Sirius gives a small whimper, quite like Padfoot's, as he re-fluffs his pillow. His whimper, however, is cut short by the dormitory door opening. In slips Remus, quiet as a bleeding dormouse and completely oblivious to his still being awake. Not that that's surprising.

There are a few advantages to Remus not realizing he's still awake, though-namely the stripping.

After lighting the oil lamp on his bedside cabinet with his wand, Remus begins to shed his tie and button-up. Perhaps Sirius shouldn't be watching this, shouldn't be enthralled by the sight of the shallow lighting pouring over Remus' scarred skin. But he is.

He's a sight-Remus. All gangly limbs and lean muscle. Maybe he's not conventionally handsome, but regardless, Sirius can't bring himself to tear his eyes from him. He longs to touch those bony hips, to mold his fingers around them. And as Remus shucks his trousers, Sirius' cock gives an involuntary twitch, eager to touch other parts of Remus as well.

Too bad he isn't a bloody girl.

Sirius' grey eyes go wide, inspired by a stroke of genius. Who the hell says he can't be a girl long enough to get Remus' attention? And afterwards, well…Remus has to fall for him. They're practically soul mates as is. Surely there is some sort of spell or potion that could allow him to switch sexes just long enough for Remus to fall madly, irrevocably in love with him.

He must make a sound in his triumph because Remus turns towards him, face scrunched up in curiosity.

"Padfoot? Are you still awake?"

Sirius thinks to stay silent, to pretend that he's already asleep like James and Peter are. However, it's been so long since he's had proper one-on-one time with Remus that he can't help himself. Sitting up, Sirius lets his blankets fall to his lap carelessly, lacking all concern for just how low they end up. He thinks for a moment that he sees Remus' eyes fall to his hips and lap, but it can't be. It's definitely just his hormones-now raging under the influence of a barely clothed Moony-and nothing more.

"Yeah, sorry. Didn't mean to startle you. I was just… well, you were late is all."

Remus gives him one of those easy, Moony smiles that Sirius is certain makes his heart stop dead. "Sorry if I made you worry. Something came up."

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah," he replies with a nod.

With surprise, Sirius realizes that Remus is coming towards him, is sitting on the edge of his bed. Their hands, both splayed on the duvet, are so close that Sirius thinks if he only moved just a bit more, they would brush. He's sorely tempted and nearly works up the courage to do so before Moony disarms him with the worrying of his lip. It's so fucking sexy when he does that.

"I have a bit of a favor to ask of you."

"Anything," Sirius replies breathlessly, so much so that he's certain he's flushed pink in embarrassment.

"I didn't have a chance to revise my Potions essay tonight, and I'm sure there are some mistakes in it. I'm afraid I don't understand the theory behind Felix Felicis very well. If it's not too much trouble, could you give it a once-over before class tomorrow?"

"Look at Mr. Prefect, asking us lowly delinquents to help him cheat."

Remus rolls his eyes. "If that's cheating, you and James can start thanking me for your Defense marks since first year. I accept payment in the form of Chocolate Frogs."

"And sexual favors?"

"In your dreams, Black," he replies, grinning.

If he only knew.

~~~

…and while not outlawed, gendermorphus is not formally sanctioned for use by the Ministry of Magic or Britain's Healer's Association. This is, in part, due to the fickle nature of the potion. If not brewed precisely, unintended side-effects will likely subsist and certain reports suggest that the sex change may become permanent. Brewers are strongly cautioned against…

Sirius shuts his eyes tightly, trying to work the sleepiness out of them. These late nights in the Restricted Section are starting to wear him thin. If he falls asleep in McGonagall's class one more time, she's likely to revoke his access to the section altogether. That shouldn't be necessary though. After happening upon this particular potion, his late nights are going to come to an end.

Sure, the reported side-effects, while uncommon, are horrible-seizure, chest pains, temporary magic loss, extreme hair growth, anal bleeding-but it's the best option he's found so far. And what's life without a little risk, anyway? He can't be bothered by little things like anal bleeding when his love life is on the line. Moony's worth all the unintended side-effects in the world as far as Sirius is concerned. All of them and more.

Behind him, he hears the sound of soft foot fall, and it nearly makes him jump. However, when he feels the brush of cool fingers against the warm flesh of his neck, he does jump. It's followed quickly by a laugh-a distinctly mischievous, Moony laugh.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius asks, shutting the book quickly before Remus sees what he's reading.

Remus reaches over Sirius' shoulder to place a napkin-covered piece of cake in front of him. "You missed dinner. Again."

Sirius can't quite process that now, what with Remus nearly leaning over him. He relishes the feel of Remus' hand as it rests briefly on his back. And he must make some sort of approving noise because Remus looks at him curiously as he slips into the adjacent seat.

"Thanks, Moony." Sirius pulls back the napkin that's served as the cake's makeshift transport. Chocolate. "Though not exactly good for my figure now, is it? And it's really not going to be healthy if Pince catches us eating in her library."

"Well if all you want to do is gripe about it…"

Remus picks up the dessert, index finger and thumb holding the moist cake from the sides, and opens his mouth to take a bite. Reaching for it, Sirius accidently jostles Remus' hand, and the cake's chocolate icing coats his lips. Remus laughs, licking it from his lips slowly.

Oh, fucking hell.

Sirius swallows hard, willing his cock to settle the fuck down. It's not behaving, though, and quite possibly has decided to mutiny against him-hardening right quick. He shifts, hoping to relieve the strain against his trousers, and tries to look inconspicuous in the process. With that unreadable grin on Remus' face, though, it's hard to tell whether he's achieved the latter. Not that Moony would be looking at his cock in the first place, but still…

"Here, open up," Remus commands, bringing the cake to Sirius' mouth. "Since you can't be trusted with it."

Sirius opens his mouth almost involuntarily, his brain too preoccupied with Moony's gorgeous brown eyes. Slowly, he bites down and chews, though he can't properly taste it when Remus is smiling like that. As he swallows, a quietly laughing Remus swipes his thumb over Sirius' lips, causing Sirius to nearly choke on the cake.

"Look at you, making a mess of yourself. Christ, Padfoot," he chuckles.

When Remus brings his thumb to his mouth and sucks the icing from it, Sirius is certain that he will never, ever get rid of this hard on. Not if he wanked ten times. Not if he wanked a thousand times.

His breathing slows, thoughts drifting to Remus sucking other things. It's all he can do to keep his eyes from shutting, to prevent his hand from drifting to his aching cock. He needs Moony. Needs him like he needs the ruddy air to breathe. And if that means permanently risking his cock and bollocks, so be it.

"Well, I'll leave you to it then," Remus says, standing.

Sirius immediately grabs his thin wrist-something he would have never done in his right mind. "What? Why?"

"I promised to help Wendy with Defense tonight. I imagine I'll be a bit late back to the dorm." Remus ruffles Sirius' immaculate hair. "Don't wait up on my account."

That bloody she-devil! What right does she have, monopolizing all his Moony time? None, that's fucking what. He's already spinning all sorts of nasty pranks in his head with her as primary target when he realizes that Remus is attempting to pull his wrist free from his grasp.

"Wait," Sirius blurts out, momentarily relishing the feel of Remus' skin beneath his Quidditch-calloused fingers. "You're always running off with her. You've not forgotten us, have you? Pranks before skanks, yeah?"

"Jealous?"

Sirius frowns. "Fine, you can just shove off then."

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I didn't realize you were so sore about it," Remus says softly, and Sirius doesn't doubt the sincerity in those big, brown eyes. "We'll do something this weekend. I swear it."

"Marauders' honor?"

"Marauders' honor."

Sirius can't pretend watching Remus walk away to a girl doesn't make him feel like his heart is being ripped from his chest. But when Remus is out of sight, his thoughts drift back to lips and icing and sucking. His cock, still hard, demands his immediate attention. With a quickly muttered disillusionment charm, Sirius palms himself-hips lifting, breaths gasping. It's not but five strokes in that he's spilling himself in his trousers, Remus' name a quiet, throaty moan on his lips.

~~~

When it comes down to actually brewing gendermorphus-actually gathering the ingredients and setting up his cauldron-Sirius is unable to do it. It has nothing to do with his lack of commitment to this endeavor; he's never been surer of anything in his life. No, the problem arises because of something else entirely, something that has less to do with Remus and more about his past.

This is ultimately why Sirius waits for Regulus outside the Slytherin locker room after practice the following day.

He catches the tail end of practice and is loathe to admit that Slytherin's team is good this year, that his little brother is the best Seeker Hogwarts has likely seen in a few years. It makes him proud in a way he doesn't want it to, mostly because he's trying to put that life-and the bonds that came with it-behind him now.

So caught up in thought, Sirius doesn't notice his brother leaving the locker room or walking towards him with a curious expression. It's only after he catches sight of Regulus' boots that Sirius looks up at his near-reflection.

"What do you want?"

Regulus' expression is his ever constant mask of placid annoyance, and it's a relief to Sirius that he recognizes something familiar in his brother even after all the distance of this past year. He doesn't like missing him, but it's not something that he can turn off. For all that James tries to be his brother, he will never be able to be Regulus. Unlike James, Regulus knows his suffering intimately and has shared his demons, which makes their bonds permanent despite how much Sirius would like to break them at times.

"Just a word with you."

"You've already had five," Regulus mutters, slowly moving towards the castle. "Which is five more than I intend to give you."

"Come on, Reg, don't be a wanker," Sirius begins, joining him. "We're brothers."

"Not any more. Mother blasted you off the tree, or have you forgotten?"

Taking Regulus by the arm, Sirius halts his progress, mouth set in a firm grimace. As if he could forget something like that. Oh, he tries, but Sirius has yet to erase of words of his mother's letter from his mind. Regulus tries to shrug him off, but fails miserably and can only communicate his displeasure with an icy glare.

"Let's not do this, alright? Blasting me off the fucking tree doesn't make you any less my brother, and you know it."

Regulus does manage to shrug out of his grip with his second attempt and straightens his Quidditch jumper haughtily. Without another word to Sirius, he resumes the trek back to Hogwarts. Sirius knows that, by not drawing his wand, Regulus has given him a free pass to join him, which he does.

They walk in silence until they're nearly halfway back. Sirius has no desire to open his mouth again, knows that he would be wasting his breath until Regulus decides they can have this conversation. And apparently, as they pass Hagrid's cabin, Regulus decides just that.

"What's on your mind?"

Sirius shoves his hands in his pockets. "I need to ask a favor of you."

"Is it in any way going to involve me getting life in Azkaban if I'm caught?"

"No, Reg."

"Expelled?"

"Doubt it," Sirius says, after a moment.

Regulus glances over at him. "Who is it that will be hurt?"

"Any way I look at it, only me."

"Alright, what is it, then?"

"Gendermorphus."

Regulus nearly does a double take, in between rapid blinking and deeply furrowing his brow. Sirius doesn't really want to know what's going on in his head just now, though he is madly curious about whether Reg is going to consent to this or not. So much rides on this potion, and Sirius isn't sure what he'll do if Regulus fails to agree.

"Are you out of your mind, Sirius?" Regulus shakes his head. "You know, never mind that. We shall just assume you are because, at this point, it's quite obvious."

"Out of my mind or otherwise, I still need it."

"Why exactly?"

Perhaps Sirius should have seen this coming-the interrogation. However, he's not at all comfortable with being cornered this way. And it's a bit strange, not wanting to discuss this with Regulus, since they confided in one another constantly in childhood. As much as he tells himself this, he can't quite shake the nervousness that comes with baring his heart to his little brother.

"Promise not to laugh?" Sirius asks sheepishly.

Regulus rolls his eyes. "No."

It's strange that Reg's response should comfort him a little. This conversation is playing out in their usual narrative-a surface annoyance that hides the genuine concern beneath. Taking a deep breath, Sirius finds the courage to push on.

"Look, I'm in love, alright? And don't you bloody well make fun of me for it."

"Who could you possibly be in love with that would require you to undergo a sex change?"

"Not permanently. Just until he notices me."

"I find it hard to believe that anyone has yet to notice you, especially given how you're prone to making a spectacle of yourself on a daily basis."

"It's Remus."

Regulus looks at him, surprised. "But he's gay."

"Is not."

"Sirius, honestly, have you ever seen him with a witch?"

Sirius nearly tells him about Collins and all those late nights on "prefect rounds" but ultimately thinks better of it. The reasons why he is doing this are not necessary; it's none of Reg's business what Remus gets up to with birds. And if Sirius perfectly honest with himself, his lack of full disclosure may also have to do with the fact that he can't bear to talk about Remus with someone else.

"If I wasn't certain, I wouldn't be trading my cock in for a cunt now, would I? I'm finished talking about this, Reg. All I want to know is if you'll do this for me or not."

Watching carefully, Sirius sees the hesitance written so readily on his younger brother's face. It's a good sign-at least Reg hasn't shot him down immediately. But as the minutes tick by, as Hogwarts becomes steadily closer, Sirius starts to doubt that he'll get what he wants.

"Why can't you brew it? I've not heard of a subject you do poorly in, and I know for a fact that Potions is one of your stronger ones."

Of course. He should have expected this. And begrudgingly, Sirius responds.

"I got out of it."

"Pardon?"

"Dark magic-I got out of it. Left it behind when I left that sodding house."

"Gendermorphus is not that dark, Sirius."

"Dark enough."

"So you just assume that I'm willing to do it?"

Sirius grabs Regulus' arm, shoving his jumper sleeve up his arm and revealing the Dark Mark. "Let's not kid ourselves here."

"Fine," Regulus snaps, pulling his arm from Sirius' grasp. "Let's not. I'll do it for you; however, I want something in return."

"What's that?"

"The pocket watch."

He has to resist the urge to sneer at the request. Sirius should have known that Regulus would come calling for it sometime or another. That bloody trinket is has been passed for generations from father to heir presumptive on their eleventh birthday, just before starting Hogwarts. At the time, Sirius was expected to take over the family and so it was given to him. He always had the impression that Regulus was jealous of him and his position within the family. His asking for the watch, then, only serves to confirm Sirius' suspicions.

"Deal."

Regulus lifts his brows. "Just like that?"

"Yeah, just like that. You won't get it until I get the potion, though. And you'd better make it correctly."

In the castle's entrance hall, Regulus stops. Sirius sees the tell tale sign of irritation on his brother's face and wonders for a moment what's caused it. Is he annoyed that Sirius asked in the first place? Or does it have something to do with how quickly Sirius gave in to his request? Or is it something even beyond that?

"As if I would brew it incorrectly," Regulus says, and Sirius detects a bit of hurt in his tone. "You've already dragged the Black name through the mud with your leaving. I won't assist you in sullying it further with a sex change of any permanence."

But it's more than that, and Sirius realizes it now from the hurt in Regulus' tone. Reg isn't mad because Sirius forfeited their argument or because he sought his help in the first place. No, Reg is angry because he was accused of knowingly doing harm to Sirius out of spite. For that, Sirius feels a pang of guilt. Sometimes…well, sometimes he forgets that Regulus isn't all that bad.

"Just…get started on it soon, yeah? It takes a fortnight to brew, and I need it as soon as possible."

~~~

Brother,

Meet me in the old Potions classroom next to the portrait of Grunhilde the Grotesque at ten o'clock. Bring the watch, and you'll have your damn potion. Despite the fact that you think the world runs on Sirius Time, it does not.

Don't be late.

R.A.B.

Sirius folds the letter haphazardly as he sits on the side of his bed, taking deep breaths to try to settle his desperately beating heart. This is actually happening. Regulus has actually come through for him, and Sirius isn't sure whether he wants to laugh or cry. He's so soddin' close to getting what he wants. And as if prompted by that thought, Sirius glances over his shoulder to where Remus sits on his bed, chatting animatedly with The Enemy.

The Enemy is not Collins, or at least not this week. Though, as far as Sirius is concerned, she is still a dangerous threat to his chances at Undying Love with Moony. No, this new girl, who has been looming around Remus for the past several days, is his latest arch nemesis. She's a fifth year Gryffindor-and Sirius hadn't expected such a betrayal from one of his own-and her name has escaped him since Remus first reintroduced her. Trudy, or Trinity, or something equally as obnoxious. Certainly not as annoying as her fucking laugh, which he's been forced to endure in silence for the past three hours.

It is a cause for celebration, then, when Trudy-or-Trinity-or-whatever stands to leave. Sirius doesn't miss the way she curls herself around one of the posters of Remus' bed, the way she gazes down at his mate, the way she's cocked her hip as if to accentuate her arse. If Sirius hadn't received the news that his potion is complete, he would have likely done something to get her the hell out of their dormitory. But as it stands, he lets her have her moment of seduction because tomorrow, Moony will really see him for the first time. And then, no one will stand a chance.

"You've anything going on tonight?" Remus asks, closing the door behind The Enemy as she leaves minutes later.

Peter looks up from his essay, wide grin on his face. "If anybody is curious, Caroline and I are going to snog in Greenhouse 5."

"Yeah? Good on you, mate," James says, pausing in his scavenging of his trunk. "How 'bout you, Padfoot?"

"Hmm? Oh, uh…I'm meeting someone later."

James wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. "Desmond?"

"Sod off, Prongs."

Sirius doesn't like how they bring up his…well, for lack of a better term, fuckbuddy. James talks about the bloke as if he someone like Lily or Pete's Caroline. It's not love; Desmond is a Slytherin for fuck's sake. But he's convenient and knows it. They've got an understanding, that's all. Just sex and nothing more. It's James and Peter who like to make more out of it than what is really there.

Sirius does catch the annoyed look on Remus' face at the mention of Desmond, however. When his mates first discovered that he was shagging Des, Remus had acted coldly towards him for hours. Sirius had wished that it had been due to jealousy, that Remus had wanted him for himself. But Sirius hadn't been foolish enough to believe it. No, it most likely had something to do with his bed fellow's House.

James shrugs at Sirius' words, returning to his search. Sirius can barely keep himself from looking at Remus, though-the disappointment in his eyes, the irritation on his face. Perhaps it's due to the fact that Remus wanted to do something with him tonight? He hadn't mentioned anything, but then again, spontaneous acts of mischief were not uncommon in this dormitory.

"Have fun with Desmond," Remus mutters, bitterly.

"I told you I'm not…oh, bloody hell, nevermind!"

~~~

Sirius arrives just before ten in the agreed upon room where Regulus is already waiting for him. They don't bothering exchanging pleasantries, nor do they greet one another. Sirius simply holds out the pocket watch for Regulus, and Regulus makes the switch with the potion.

If he's honest with himself, it's hard to hand over the watch that he has carried for years. It's not what the watch bound him to that Sirius will miss, but the weight of it in his pocket, the familiarity of the smooth silver. But it's worth it. Maybe he's even better off without the trinket. At least that's what Sirius tells himself as Regulus slips it into his cloak.

"It's brewed exactly as the directions read," Regulus explains, "It's unlikely that you shall suffer any side effects."

Sirius looks down at the shimmery purple liquid contained in the small vial. "Thanks."

For a long moment, they stand in silence, neither one of them quite sure what to do or say. The exchange has been made, their contract with one another fulfilled. There is no reason for them to linger, but they find themselves doing just that.

"…would you…like me to stay while you drink it?" Regulus asks, softly.

"Nah…I'll be fine." Sirius gives him a weak smile. "Really. You should go. I'm sure you have more interesting things to do than keep me company."

Regulus does just that, though not without hesitating and requiring a bit more assurance that Sirius will be alright. After he leaves, Sirius sits down on one of the desk tops, rolling the vial around on his palm and thinking.

Happiness literally rests in his hand. He's a transformation away from standing a chance with the bloke of his dreams. A part of Sirius wishes-now that the moment of action is upon him-that he wouldn't have to use it, that Remus could just see how brilliant they could be without resorting to this. But Remus can't, and Sirius is unwilling to give him up, especially to those ruddy sirens.

Slipping from the desk, he unscrews the cap and drinks.

It's not quite like Polyjuice, not really what he expects at all. This is different-excruciating, almost unbearable. Sirius nearly screams from the twisting pain wracking him, the sharp pangs gathering most especially between his legs and across his chest. He grabs the desk top for support, his legs becoming frighteningly weak.

The blistering pain subsides not long after, though not soon enough for Sirius. He leans, chest heaving, and willing the dull aches in his body to go away. But they don't, and he's sore. Sore and drained and desperate for his four poster.

Only after Sirius acquaints himself with the pain does he examine himself for the first time. His hands-large and thin-are dainty now while still retaining their usual elegance. He pats himself down quickly, feeling the strange…roundness of this new body. He has curvy hips now and a not-too-shabby pair of tits, and he realizes as he feels between his legs, a distinct lack of cock and bollocks. It's fucking strange.

He tries to move and nearly stumbles before realizing that girls don't quite move like boys do. When Sirius imagined taking the potion, he imagined snogging Moony the first time Moony laid eyes on him. He did not, however, imagine this- the twinges, the foreignness, the general discomfort. He also thought how wonderful it would be to finally confront Remus. But now, as he looks at the door from where he leans against the desk, Sirius wonders if he'll even make it to the dorm in order to have his Moment of Perfect Happiness in this state.

~~~

Somehow Sirius does make it back to the dormitory, but it takes twice as long as it usually does. When he puts his hand on the door knob, it takes a certain amount of courage to twist it open and face his destiny, as it were. But he manages it because he's a Gryffindor. And, when he does, Sirius is immediately bathed in dim lamp light.

For a moment, he thinks the room is entirely empty, which ought not to be too surprising since nearly everyone's plans tonight involved getting snogged senseless. It's only after he closes the door that he realizes that he is not alone.

Remus, lounging on his bed, looks up at Sirius with a start before surprise fades into troubled curiosity. He moves slowly from where he lies, and Sirius couldn't take a step if he wanted to, frozen in both fear and anticipation. Silently, he wonders if this is The Moment. The lighting is certainly right, and Remus does look a bit enthralled. Sirius looks away from his scrutinizing gaze, unable to bear it any longer.

"Sirius?" Remus asks, touching his arm hesitantly. "What the hell happened to you?"

Sirius resists the urge to throw himself at Moony, to wrap his arms around Moony's neck and cling to him; melodrama had never been his style anyway. He does, however, take advantage of Remus' close proximity, touching Remus' hand with his own. The touch feels altogether different in this body-permissible, even, where it somehow wasn't before in his mind.

"Ran into some Slytherins," Sirius lies easily. "Their idea of a joke, I suspect."

"Are you alright? How do you feel?"

"Like I've been run over by a Welsh Green. Give us a hand, yeah?"

It's strange, having this conversation with Moony and not sounding like himself. In fact, the whole thing is mad, but if Remus thinks so, he's not showing it very well. Instead, he helps Sirius to his bed, mindful of Sirius' soreness and acting ever the nursemaid.

Things don't become awkward until Sirius realizes that he probably shouldn't sleep in his uniform, if for no other reason than he can't sleep in clothes. He does the buttons down fine, but it's a struggle to get the bloody shirt off because every time he moves too much his back aches horribly.

Remus, apparently noticing his difficulty, places his hands on shirt. "Here, let me help."

The touch of Remus' fingers against his skin sends a shiver of arousal through him. Sirius expects to feel himself get hard and is therefore scared out of his mind when he feels a dull throb between his legs. What the bloody hell is that? Whatever it is, it's not going away, nor is the hardening of his nipples.

Fucking strange doesn't even begin to cover it.

"Trousers too?" Remus asks.

"Are you trying to get me starkers, Moony?" Sirius asks, hopefully jokingly, though the heat rushing to his face might suggest to Remus otherwise. "Because, quite frankly, you're not even being seductive about it, and I can't imagine how you get as many birds as you do if you're always such a cold fish."

"What can I say, Pads, you bring out the romance in me." Remus rolls his eyes, smirking, before noticing the pink tingeing Sirius' cheeks. "Oh Christ, you're blushing."

If possible, his face gets even redder. "Well what do you expect?"

"From the bloke who has served detention for indecent exposure three times?"

"Twice," Sirius mumbles. "And it's a bit different now, isn't it?"

Grumpy from Remus' teasing and the realization that his Moment has passed, Sirius rejects Remus' offer to steady him as he takes his trousers off. So Remus stands by, looking smug as he watches Sirius cringe and whinge, and Sirius quickly realizes that he should have accepted the offer. Especially after he loses his balance and Remus has to jump to catch him before he lands on his arse.

They stand in awkward silence, Sirius unable to bring himself to move, especially as he's wrapped up completely in Remus' arms. He does shift slightly, to relieve the pressure on his ankle, at great risk of implying that he would like to be let go. Only, Remus doesn't.

That's when it happens.

Like a sudden fever, a sudden bout of insanity, they move gently towards each other. Sirius feels his heart pounding against his chest, feels that weird throbbing become impossible to ignore, feels a strange wetness down there.

But what is more important than all of that is the feel of Remus' cock making itself just known.

Sirius shifts against it, praying that this is a reaction to his nakedness and not just anyone's. Remus' breath hitches, and it excites Sirius that Remus knows that he knows. Maybe it's because Sirius can't stay silent, or maybe it's because he's a notorious lover of dirty talk. Maybe the reasons don't matter because he says what's on his mind anyway.

Sirius shifts against Remus again, pushing his lips closer to Remus'. "You're-"

"-tired. Very, very tired."

The embrace is broken, and Remus puts a disgusting amount of space between them. He walks back to his bed, sitting there and cradling his head in his hands, elbows on knees. Sirius doesn't know what to say, though in reality he'd love to shout I know you want me! at his friend. Rather than say anything at all-because voicing his thoughts had got him so far in the past-he bottles up and slips into bed.

~~~

"I just don't understand how this happened," James grumbles, putting on his socks in a huff. "Who did you say it was again?"

Sirius, staring at his canopy, rolls his eyes at his best mate. James hasn't shut up about Sirius' current predicament since he woke up to a decidedly female someone in Sirius' bed. And when Sirius briefly explained what had happened, James had gone seven shades of green at the sheer thought of it. Twenty minutes later, he's still carrying on.

"The usual. Avery. Snivellus."

"And you didn't…" James gesticulates wildly. "I don't know…incendio their hair or something in return?"

Peter looks over at James. "Incendio their hair, Prongs? That's first year stuff."

"Shut it, Wormtail. The point is, our precious Padfoot has been defiled by these cretins, and we need to get back at them."

The conversation between James and Peter fades from Sirius' attention. The lie came easily enough last night, and he figured they would be happy with leaving it at that. Instead, James wants bloody details, like he's writing a sodding novel. Sirius is irked by that, wondering why James can't just let it fucking be for once; it's not like he ever needed reasons to hex Slytherins before.

That's not the sole thing bothering Sirius, though. The fact that Moony hasn't so much as looked in his general direction since they woke hasn't helped his mood any. What he'd really like to do is march over to Remus' bed and snog the hell out of him. Unfortunately, that's not an option.

Sirius has the distinct feeling that today is going to be one of those stay-holed-up-in-the-dorm sort of days.

As the sound of James and Peter bickering back and forth returns to his hearing, Sirius sits up, "Oi! What the hell does it matter anyway? It's done."

"Sirius! Your tits!" James scolds, blushing a lovely shade of scarlet.

With a scoff, Sirius wraps his bed linens around his chest and slips out of bed. His mood souring even more than he thought possible-and what is it about James and annoying girls with such ease?-Sirius stalks towards the bath in hopes that a shower might relieve him of some dull aches in his muscles and the throbbing in his head.

But before he reaches the door, he shoots Remus a look and mutters, "What? You've got nothing to say?"

The bathroom door slams with Sirius' exit.

~~~

Things can't quite get any worse. Of that, Sirius is certain. His head makes hard contact with the stone of the Astronomy Tower as he leans back, and he welcomes the sudden pain. Who would have ever thought his master plan would have gone straight to the shitter?

In retrospect, perhaps he should have. He's not the idea man by any means. If anything, Sirius is the kind of person to refine the details of things. Maybe that's why he couldn't see the flaw in the plan-he was too busy concerning himself with the intricate bits that would work. Or, that would work well in theory, as long as the premise was right.

The premise was not right.

Reaching, Sirius tugs at the torture device birds call a bra. It's bloody uncomfortable and likely to drive him as mad as his mother. The sad part is that it's likely the least of all his problems. His number one problem? Moony, and his lack of sympathy, his lack of attraction. Sirius had been so sure Remus would fancy him if he had some tits. But, he supposes, there is a lot more to attraction than tits. For some people.

He's undergone this transformation for absolutely nothing. Sirius thinks back on the previous night, considers what had almost happened between him and Moony. He could write it off as a mutual interest, but it had all happened so quick. Fairy tale, almost, and Sirius knows that nothing in life happens so fast or so effortlessly. No, that likely had happened because he was nearly starkers and vulnerable (with a pair of tits), and Remus cares deeply for his mates. Sirius can't quite fault him for getting caught up in things.

Not for the first time, Sirius wishes he hadn't drunk that ruddy potion. Not only did he have bra issues and Remus issues, but Slytherin issues as well. He'd made himself a proper laughing stock, he did. Sirius isn't sure what was worse: the hexes, the slap to the arse, or Desmond's fucking sneer. While there isn't any love between them, he'd expected Des to be mildly concerned for his well being. Apparently, he gave the slimy git too much credit. Then again, perhaps it's his fault for shagging a Slytherin in the first place.

The sound of footsteps spring Sirius from his mind's prison, though he is not entirely surprised by them. He hadn't any doubt that someone would come looking for him-James hovering like a mother hen and all-but Sirius is startled to find that it's not James, as he suspects, but rather Remus.

"Moony?"

Sirius does not miss the way Remus' brow is knit tightly-tighter than he's ever been known to do-nor the way his hands ball into fists. He's angry-though perhaps trying his best to hide it-but why, Sirius has no idea. He's not done anything, or at least anything that wasn't self-inflicting. But Sirius doesn't have to wait long to find out what's on Moony's mind.

"How could you, Sirius?"

"Pardon?"

"You said you'd been pranked when I asked you last night," he bites. "James just spent the past half hour interrogating Avery and Snape, and they claim they had absolutely nothing to do with it."

Sirius scoffs. "Come on, you actually believe them?"

He hopes his voice comes across light enough because in reality he's suddenly begun to sweat. The lie had come so easily, and it was so plausible that he didn't foresee anyone questioning it like this. Leave it to Moony to be that person.

"I didn't have to believe it. James did. James, Sirius. And if he thinks they're telling the truth, despite the fact he doesn't want to, then what does that say?"

"Look, I know-"

"You did this to yourself." Remus shuts his eyes tightly and swallows hard. "Do you have any idea how dangerous sex changing magic is? You could be stuck like this forever. And for what? Desmond Trevena?"

Sirius jumps to his feet at that. While not unaccustomed to Remus dragging Desmond into things, he fails to see the logic in this leap. And judging by how angry Remus is… No, something had to have happened.

"Why are you bringing him into this?"

"He said that you did this for him. That he wanted the world to know that-what were his exact words again?-oh yeah, wanted everyone to know that you were his bitch. And you did this," Remus waves his hand in Sirius' direction, "to submit to him."

As the words properly sink into his brain, Sirius sees red, has the fierce desire to slowly cut Desmond's bollocks from his body. His bitch? Sirius Black is no one's bitch. Oh, there would be hell to pay for this, complete with fire and brimstone and-

"I told you what a pig he was when you first started shagging," Remus says, voice edging on hysteria. "And to think that you would undergo such a dangerous transformation to spice up the little D/s game you have going on… I can't even begin to tell you how disgusted I am-"

"I didn't do this for him, alright?" Sirius shouts, finally unable to take it anymore. "I did it for you."

Remus' eyes go wide, his mouth falls slightly open. Sirius' own expression is like a mirror. He can't believe he just said that, just outted himself to Moony like that. Fucking big mouth.

But some relief comes, Sirius supposes, with the words. At least it's out there. He's passed the Quaffle to Moony, and now it's Moony's job to decide what to do with it. With the weight lifted, Sirius sinks back into the spot where he'd sat previously. He wonders why it's so hard to look Remus in the eye.

"What do you mean you did this for me?" Remus asks slowly.

Sirius shrugs. "I fancy you. Want you. However you'd like to put it. It's not like you'd notice me, though. Not will all those bloody sirens swarming around you constantly. Especially not since you're straight." He glances up at Remus, finds him awestruck. "I figured this was the only way I'd ever catch your eye."

Seconds pass, silence creates a chasm between them. Sirius challenges Remus to say something, almost begs him with his eyes to reject him or snog him or anything at this point. However, he's not quite expecting what Remus decides on.

"You fucking idiot."

He's gobsmacked. Remus doesn't swear often, at least not at this point in the cycle. He has to really mean it, really be pissed off. But about what? Sirius' attraction to him? That hardly seems like the appropriate response, if that's the case. And Sirius never has the opportunity to ask because Remus rushes down the stairs out of the tower.

~~~

"You know why he's angry, don't you?"

Sirius glances up at Lily-his Potions partner for the day- from where he's crushing beetles for the next step in the brewing process. No, he doesn't know why Remus is angry with him. Still angry with him five days post-Astronomy Tower Explosion. If he had known, he'd be doing his damnedest to try to patch things up between them. But as it stands, Remus still refuses to speak with him, and Sirius knows better than to push at this point.

"No," he grumbles.

Lily pauses in stirring the potion to put her hands on her hips, looking at him disappointedly. "Really, Sirius?"

"All I've sussed out is that he's pissed off about Desmond. Nothing new there."

"And did you ever stop to consider why that is?"

"Because he's a Slytherin? I don't know…"

"Good Lord." She rolls her eyes. "I told him when we talked that you'd never figure it out, that you were too self-absorbed and oblivious."

"Figure what out? What's going on, Evans?"

His heart quickens in his chest. What could be so secretive that Moony would keep it from him. After all, Remus told him about his lycanthropy, and Sirius dared to think that there weren't too many things more worthy of being a secret than that. What…what could be worse than lycanthropy? The quickening in his chest becomes a sledge hammer against his ribs.

"Look, it's not my place to say anything," she says with a sigh, resuming her anti-clockwise stirring. "If he wanted you to know, he would have told you himself."

"You can't just do that!" he shouts, then immediately quiets himself after receiving a couple of curious looks from his classmates. "Lily, please. I need to figure out how to fix this."

She frowns in thought, and Sirius gives his best puppy-eyes, which are probably considerably less effective-if they ever were with Lily-with him being a girl. After a tense moment, Lily finally sighs.

"Why did you make such a fuss about him studying with Wendy?"

Looking at her dumbly, Sirius wonders why Lily is asking such an obvious question. "Because I fancy the pants off him?"

"Alright," she nods. "Now, going with that line of thinking, consider his feelings towards Trevena."

Sirius is quickly growing tired of this question-answer game. If Lily is somehow implying that Desmond is Collins in this scenario…well, she'd have to be barking. It doesn't make sense. That would somehow imply that Remus felt jealousy towards Desmond. And that would imply that Remus fancied blokes, which he doesn't. So, Lily must, therefore, be out of her mind.

"Moony isn't gay," Sirius states simply.

Lily raises an eyebrow.

He looks at her, certain. "He's not."

"When have you ever seen him snog a girl? Or shag one? Or so much as hold hands with one?"

"But that…that doesn't mean anything. I've never seen him do any of that with a bloke either. He just doesn't…let people in, you know, because of his…furry little problem."

"Sirius, Remus and I have been close for a very long time. I know him, so trust me when I say that he's incredibly jealous of Trevena. Incredibly."

He has to be misunderstanding Lily. Remus can't…he would have said something, wouldn't he?

But the way Lily is looking at him, the way she's giving him those I-can't-come-out-and-say-it eyes… Sirius involuntarily whimpers at the thought. Remus, jealous of Desmond? That would imply that Moony somehow fancied him. He would have noticed that, though. Surely. After all, he notices it when every other bloke has an interest in him. He really couldn't be that blind to Remus' interests, could he?

"You're sure?" he asks her, warily.

"I'm sure."

~~~

Sirius' intentions, after Lily's prodding, had been to find Remus and confront him about everything. However, he got momentarily side tracked that afternoon by detention with McGonagall-punishment for being foolish enough to try gendermorphus. Remus had been gone when he returned from scrubbing chamber pots, so Sirius had decided that he would simply talk to him in the morning.

But when morning came, it brought with it the most terrifying pain that Sirius had ever experienced. It felt as if someone was trying to both cleave open and squeeze his lower abdomen at the same time. As he was quite sure he was dying, Sirius ran to Pomfrey. Her diagnoses? Cramps and the start of his monthlies. The only good news he'd received was the reassurance that gendermorphus usually only lasts for a month when brewed properly.

Somehow, that hadn't made him any less horrified at the prospect of bleeding out of his bits.

So Sirius spends his Friday afternoon laying in bed, curled up in a ball and damning himself for his "ingenious" ideas. It fucking hurts. He whimpers and considers going back to Pomfrey and explaining that this can't just be cramps, that he has to be giving birth or something. Cramps just don't hurt this badly. If they did, birds wouldn't be able to function properly. No, surely this is labor.

Just as Sirius shifts, body still rigid and knees firmly squeezed together for fear of bleeding out, he is startled when his eyes fall on Remus. He hadn't heard Remus come in-though that might have occurred during his last death wail-and finds himself suddenly at a loss for words.

Gone are the well rehearsed lines he came up with last night, in their place barely coherent thoughts. Sirius' only small comfort is that Remus is actually acknowledging his existence, that the expression on his face is not unkind. If it weren't for this terrible pain he is in, Sirius might be able to find some comfort in that.

"James said I might find you here," Remus begins, "I wanted to talk."

Sirius curls up again, feeling a particularly violent pang. "Fucking hell."

"Are you alright?" he asks tentatively, reaching out for Sirius.

"No, I'm not alright. I swear I'm giving birth to a Hungarian Horntail."

Watching him intently, Sirius sees Remus fight off the urge to make some sort of sarcastic comment. Instead, Remus crosses the room to where he keeps a spare set of bed linens and pulls out a folded pillowcase. Waving his wand, Remus casts some sort of charm on it and moves back towards Sirius.

"Lift your shirt," he says.

Sirius does so hesitantly, both because the idea of moving terrifies him and because Remus is staring at him quite like he never has before. He pushes his bed linens down, the cotton of his shirt up, all the while unable to keep his eyes from Remus.

As Remus sits on the edge of his bed, Sirius wonders what he wants to talk about. That thought process is cut short, however, when he feels Remus' hands graze his skin. Involuntarily, he sucks in a breath, stomach caving, and Remus looks at him unfazed as he drapes the folded pillowcase on Sirius' lower belly.

It's been charmed warm, soothing this god awful pain to a point where it's nearly tolerable. Sirius almost manages to thank Moony for his kindness before he realizes that Moony still has his hands next to his rounded hips, that Remus is sort of leaning over him. Then, the words die a silent death on his tongue.

"I'm gay," Remus announces, after a heavy pause. "Gay, and I've fancied you like mad since fourth year."

"Moony, I-"

"So you can imagine how crushed I was when I found out you were shagging a Slytherin."

"I didn't know. If I had, Remus, you have to know that I would've done something about it."

"I did everything I could think of. Christ, Sirius, I handfed you a piece of cake a few weeks ago. I'm not sure how much more blatant I could be aside from climbing into your bed and snogging you."

Sirius cringes. "I wish you'd have done that. I wouldn't have," he gestures at his appearance, "otherwise."

"I can't believe you actually took that potion. The dangers! This is such a you thing to do. Daft and reckless."

Sirius directs his eyes away from Moony, unable to bear the disappointment written all over his face. But he does find some courage with the lack of heat in Remus' words. Slowly-and it feels like his arm weighs a ton-Sirius reaches for Remus' hand, twinning their fingers together.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, "and if you'll forgive me, I swear I'll never do anything so stupid again."

"You will. But you have my forgiveness anyway." Remus' expression softens. "As if I could ever stay mad at you for long."

"So we're…alright then?" Sirius asks, hesitating.

Remus smirks, "Yeah, I'd say we are."

"So…we can snog?"

"You have tits," Remus says, pointedly. "We'll talk about snogs after you're rid of them."

Sirius panics for a moment before he feels Remus squeeze his hand reassuringly. Comforted by the gesture, by the gentleness in Remus' eyes, Sirius thinks that after he loses the tits, things are going to be just fine.