42.08) This impulse may only be a futile, short-lived turning away from ends I cannot escape.
ooc: Bendy time. Written while the boys are on vacation.
[private]
I wonder if I should call David. I've slacked off on checking in with him because so much has been going on at home and it's hard to fit in some private therapy time. I know that's no excuse, but it's the truth as I see it.
Anyway, I'm thinking about calling him when we get back because I'm questioning my motives for agreeing to let Shy be with us. On the surface, I'm sure that it's because I know Orli cares about him, I care about him and he needs to be with people who can look out for him and protect him. It might be my paranoia rearing its ugly head, but as long as there's the chance for him to be caught and taken away from us to stand trial, I feel better having him secreted away on the island.
When I stop and look a little deeper, though, I start to wonder if I've jumped into this arrangement because I have a fear Orli's going to leave me. I've done so much to fuck up my relationships and I keep expecting this to be no different. Letting Shy share our home is something I'm giving Orli in order to keep him happy and stop him from leaving me.
God, it looks so stupid when I read it. I know how much Orlando loves me. I know how much I love him. This relationship is different. I'm not going to sabotage it - I have no reason to. I'm so happy with him and I know he's happy. It isn't hard to read him and I think I can honestly say that I'm one of the few people in this world who cares enough about him to actually pay attention to his needs and not judge him for them. So why am I so afraid that I'm going to lose him and the only way to stop that from happening is to bring someone else into our home?
Screw this. I'm going to turn off the laptop and go get drinks on the beach with my boys.
Will Porter
Original Character
350 words
[private]
I wonder if I should call David. I've slacked off on checking in with him because so much has been going on at home and it's hard to fit in some private therapy time. I know that's no excuse, but it's the truth as I see it.
Anyway, I'm thinking about calling him when we get back because I'm questioning my motives for agreeing to let Shy be with us. On the surface, I'm sure that it's because I know Orli cares about him, I care about him and he needs to be with people who can look out for him and protect him. It might be my paranoia rearing its ugly head, but as long as there's the chance for him to be caught and taken away from us to stand trial, I feel better having him secreted away on the island.
When I stop and look a little deeper, though, I start to wonder if I've jumped into this arrangement because I have a fear Orli's going to leave me. I've done so much to fuck up my relationships and I keep expecting this to be no different. Letting Shy share our home is something I'm giving Orli in order to keep him happy and stop him from leaving me.
God, it looks so stupid when I read it. I know how much Orlando loves me. I know how much I love him. This relationship is different. I'm not going to sabotage it - I have no reason to. I'm so happy with him and I know he's happy. It isn't hard to read him and I think I can honestly say that I'm one of the few people in this world who cares enough about him to actually pay attention to his needs and not judge him for them. So why am I so afraid that I'm going to lose him and the only way to stop that from happening is to bring someone else into our home?
Screw this. I'm going to turn off the laptop and go get drinks on the beach with my boys.
Will Porter
Original Character
350 words