(no subject)
My body hates me today. the whole thing, just utter contempt.
I have had the most horrendous headache, all day. It seems content to just sporadically attack me with spasms of lightning bolt intensity, and then prance off all smug and accomplished, which is fine by me. I can't imagine the state I'd be in if it were to decide to be consistent in its evil-doings. It's also strange in that it is located directly on the top of my head, in one quarter-sized spot. It is also sensitive to the touch. I am definitely a hypochondriac so it was pretty easy for me to believe I was dying for awhile there, but Google has assured me that it is just a pinched nerve. So. phew.
Also. I am pretty sure that my Husband and I have entered into a new phase of marriage, after today. Here is why:
After Dinner, which is what we call the time in mid-evening where we shove our faces with whatever random sustenance we manage to find, he tends to get all philosophical, wanting to discuss this thing and that. Today, it was a formula for writing he refers to as 'The Woods'. Some of you may be familiar with this concept, if you have read the book about it by James Frey. He was in a particularly long-winded explanation of 'Entering The Woods' when it happened.
See. I have a bit of a weak stomach, at times. Not for just anything mind you -- I have fought a hard battle against spicy food--and won. But some things, like, say, a Massive Bacon Ranch Burger from McDonalds ... not so much.
I knew what was about to happen, but was powerless to stop it. This has never happened before while in the presence of someone else. At least not so adamantly. Perhaps because I have never eaten a burger from McDonalds in South Korea before.
What was I to do? I couldn't very well say 'Oh, honey, hold that thought, I have to go do something, and then bolt like a bat out of hell to the bathroom. Because, how would that be ANY LESS MORTIFYING?
And so I sat there, cringing, anticipating it. And couldn't believe he hadn't even paused yet.
And it did happen. Oh yes. It did.
I farted.
Or, as my mother forced me to say as a child, "tooted". Because 'girls don't say fart!'
It was. Well. It wasn't silent.
'How dare you!' I scolded my stomach. 'I hope you are proud of yourself now!'
Apparently, it didn't like to be scolded; it growled back rather menacingly. My Husband, God Bless him, did what any good Husband would do. He utterly ignored it and continued talking, without pause. I was nearly convinced, as he continued talking, that he hadn't heard it.
But it didn't matter. Because my stomach, still surly over being scolded, thought that was a good time to say, 'Hey! Look, you. How dare you feed me that slop, and then sit here pretentiously discussing writing formulas and expect me to comply! You are a fake and a phony!"
or something like that.
And it happened again. Not as awful as before, but much more unexpected. It was like a ninja, with all its stealth. A friggin' ninja-fart.
And this time, I saw it in his face. He faltered, just barely, a small furrow of his brow. (concern? oh, god, please not concern)
So. What else could I do?
'I heard you fart in your sleep once.'
As if I were two.
He seemed a little stunned at first, and I was all, wtf, brain, et tu???
But then, he laughed! My Husband is amazing when he laughs, and it does funny things to me usually. But this time; just sheer relief.
"That is disgusting! Like a Dog or something!"
"Mhm," I said. He had earned a careful smile from me, but I was still suspicious. Still not fully trusting of the situation. I mean, we are in love. We are married. But are we there?
I wasn't sure.
And I still wasn't sure as I politely excused myself and did the whole walk of shame thing, except this time I knew he knew what I was about to do.
But. A part of me didn't care. At least, not as much. Which was kinda liberating in a way?
"Yes, I am a girl! And YES, I do all the same horrendous things you do in a bathroom! SO BLOODY WHAT."
So yeah. Kinda liberating.
...
I still turned the water on, shuffled needlessly around with things and cleared my throat when need be, However. So not that liberated, maybe. :P
Now that I have told you all of the exciting, riveting details of my day.... *snort*
Here's a funny screencap I shot earlier:
xoxo
-Payton
I have had the most horrendous headache, all day. It seems content to just sporadically attack me with spasms of lightning bolt intensity, and then prance off all smug and accomplished, which is fine by me. I can't imagine the state I'd be in if it were to decide to be consistent in its evil-doings. It's also strange in that it is located directly on the top of my head, in one quarter-sized spot. It is also sensitive to the touch. I am definitely a hypochondriac so it was pretty easy for me to believe I was dying for awhile there, but Google has assured me that it is just a pinched nerve. So. phew.
Also. I am pretty sure that my Husband and I have entered into a new phase of marriage, after today. Here is why:
After Dinner, which is what we call the time in mid-evening where we shove our faces with whatever random sustenance we manage to find, he tends to get all philosophical, wanting to discuss this thing and that. Today, it was a formula for writing he refers to as 'The Woods'. Some of you may be familiar with this concept, if you have read the book about it by James Frey. He was in a particularly long-winded explanation of 'Entering The Woods' when it happened.
See. I have a bit of a weak stomach, at times. Not for just anything mind you -- I have fought a hard battle against spicy food--and won. But some things, like, say, a Massive Bacon Ranch Burger from McDonalds ... not so much.
I knew what was about to happen, but was powerless to stop it. This has never happened before while in the presence of someone else. At least not so adamantly. Perhaps because I have never eaten a burger from McDonalds in South Korea before.
What was I to do? I couldn't very well say 'Oh, honey, hold that thought, I have to go do something, and then bolt like a bat out of hell to the bathroom. Because, how would that be ANY LESS MORTIFYING?
And so I sat there, cringing, anticipating it. And couldn't believe he hadn't even paused yet.
And it did happen. Oh yes. It did.
I farted.
Or, as my mother forced me to say as a child, "tooted". Because 'girls don't say fart!'
It was. Well. It wasn't silent.
'How dare you!' I scolded my stomach. 'I hope you are proud of yourself now!'
Apparently, it didn't like to be scolded; it growled back rather menacingly. My Husband, God Bless him, did what any good Husband would do. He utterly ignored it and continued talking, without pause. I was nearly convinced, as he continued talking, that he hadn't heard it.
But it didn't matter. Because my stomach, still surly over being scolded, thought that was a good time to say, 'Hey! Look, you. How dare you feed me that slop, and then sit here pretentiously discussing writing formulas and expect me to comply! You are a fake and a phony!"
or something like that.
And it happened again. Not as awful as before, but much more unexpected. It was like a ninja, with all its stealth. A friggin' ninja-fart.
And this time, I saw it in his face. He faltered, just barely, a small furrow of his brow. (concern? oh, god, please not concern)
So. What else could I do?
'I heard you fart in your sleep once.'
As if I were two.
He seemed a little stunned at first, and I was all, wtf, brain, et tu???
But then, he laughed! My Husband is amazing when he laughs, and it does funny things to me usually. But this time; just sheer relief.
"That is disgusting! Like a Dog or something!"
"Mhm," I said. He had earned a careful smile from me, but I was still suspicious. Still not fully trusting of the situation. I mean, we are in love. We are married. But are we there?
I wasn't sure.
And I still wasn't sure as I politely excused myself and did the whole walk of shame thing, except this time I knew he knew what I was about to do.
But. A part of me didn't care. At least, not as much. Which was kinda liberating in a way?
"Yes, I am a girl! And YES, I do all the same horrendous things you do in a bathroom! SO BLOODY WHAT."
So yeah. Kinda liberating.
...
I still turned the water on, shuffled needlessly around with things and cleared my throat when need be, However. So not that liberated, maybe. :P
Now that I have told you all of the exciting, riveting details of my day.... *snort*
Here's a funny screencap I shot earlier:
xoxo
-Payton