Blue
I haven't updated in quite awhile. I guess I've had a lot going on. I've been looking for a job (which I still haven't found, but am about to apply to some crappy desk job just because I need it so badly), and I've been going to school. My boyfriend is back in school now too, so between work, school, sleep, and other errands, we have been just about too busy to spend time together (quality time, I mean), and it was really starting to weigh in on the tension. We're working it out, but stress has just been at an all time high.
Last quarter I should have enjoyed things as they were. Sure, Bush was re-elected. Sure, money was tight. Sure, I was missing my friends. BUT... things are way worse now. Schoolwise, I'm fine. I'm finally going to graduate soon, and I got straight A's last quarter. Maybe I will again this quarter, but I'm not going to count my chickens before they're hatched, you know? But right around Christmas, everything started going to shit. Christmas itself, it being the first Christmas I've ever spent in a real relationship, was very pleasant. Brent and I decorated our new place (we moved in a grueling time, the day after Thanksgiving) with all the furniture my mom gave us, including a Christmas tree and stockings, even one for our wonderful puppy Gollum. But that was when I began noticing how the family credit was always maxed out. Kyle, who is now engaged to Beth (weirdly enough, someone who went to Westerville North in the first place) was apparently saving his entire salary to but her a rock. And he did... it's like 2 karats, which I feel is ridiculous considering he was still in school at the time. Apparently while saving up (he still had to take out a loan regardless), he was charging mad cash to my parents credit cards. We have two that are for the family, and they are supposed to be used for occasional spending, gas, etc. Kyle, according to my mom, ran up a lot of debt. But it was also my mom's spending that was/is causing problems. Not knowing how bad things were becoming, but still having some inkling, I was feeling very conflicted over not only the fact that Mom encouraged Brent and I to move to place nicer and larger than where we were going to live, but a lot more expensive too. She told us she would help with a few of the things we weren't sure we could afford, so we went for it anyway. Next she bought us a lot of new furniture, a new table, end tables, a lamp set, slip covers, etc. I felt it was way too much, especially right before Christmas, but Mom was giving us stuff right and left without us even asking. Brent began to fret about my parent's finances, especially when we saw how much stuff was wrapped under the X-mas tree, and with good reason. My family is in deep financial debt. Really deep. My brother and I are the only ones who are really aware of this, as my Mom is keeping my Dad's head in the clouds hoping to not cause him stress. Personally, I think it's a little messed up that my Mom is asking her kids, one of whom she knows is very easily affected emotionally by stress, to carry the burden of this. She actually told me yesterday that we shouldn't spend much if any of Brent's tax return because if she doesn't get the refund before the end of the month, she will need his money to pay the bills. We already barely have enough to make ends meet in this too expensive, too big place that my Mom talked us into renting. Mom is looking into debt consolidation, which oddly enough, Kyle got a part time job dealing with through a woman that chatted him up at GNC. I thought things were going to get better, but I knew that option was sounding a little too easy. The first place they applied to turned them down-- too high risk. I'm really scared that this isn't going to work out, and not just that, I'm very angry at the fact that my Mom spent so much money over the holidays and encouraged our living situation. I'm very angry she didn't apprise any of us of ANY of this before it got to the crisis point, and still continued to spend as if the money was there. I don't feel directing my anger at my Mom will have much point, as she's already upset enough about everything, but I feel helpless, and the stress is really starting to hurt me.
Just a short while ago, things were looking so good, sounding so optimistic, and I was feeling better and doing better than I had been in a long time, if ever. I should have known it was all too good to be true. I know I still have good things in my life, and I thank God I have Brent, both of them actually, because without them I would probably be much worse off than I am. I just don't see an end to this, and I don't know what to do, other than get a job and hope that things work out somehow. I feel so guilty about my roll in this too... if I hadn't been having so many problems with depression I would have been working more steadily and be long since graduated. I feel my dependence on my parents has definitely contributed to this situation too, and the guilt is really bringing me down. The lack of friends in my life who really care about me and whom I could count on to be there for me is also really making me blue. I know a lot of that is my fault for not keeping in proper touch with people, and for not actively facilitating new relationships, but over this past year I've been so wrapped up in my boyfriend and my life with him, and trying to get through school and into a better state all around. I just feel lost and alone, and I want to be happy in the newness of my relationship with the guy I'm going to marry (someday, if we may ever afford it) and be happy I'm doing well in school, but I'm so worried about my parents. Picturing ever having financial solvency now seems like a pipe dream I'll never see. I don't see a degree as a guarantee that I will have a decent job with decent pay either.
Also, Brent's first wife, Laura, died last week. They had a long and complex relationship years ago that ended up making them both very unhappy, and Laura was diagnosed with Hodgkins after they'd been together about a year or so. Brent took care of her, and stood by her during the year and half before her first remission. They even married during this time, and lost a child due to the chemo. Brent wanted Laura to continue with her checkups, follow-ups and so on, but Laura hated the cancer and chemo so much she apparently refused to keep up with doctors appointments, and soon after they split up for good her cancer returned. Laura cheated on Brent twice, which when he found out the second time (it happened in their home), he asked her to leave, and she did. She made a divorce difficult because she was not working and was dependent on Brent's insurance for her medical expenses. Brent knew this, and had a very hard time forcing the issue because he did not want her not to have medical care. Once he met me and we fell in love, he really felt the need to have his relationship with Laura ended for good because he wanted to be totally free of ties so we could be together as we wanted to be. Her parents called him begging him to give her more time, and the way it ended up, she was on his insurance the rest of her treatment-- her life. Brent was very upset and grief-stricken, blaming himself for not insisting more rigorously that she go back for checkups, but as I told him, one can't make someone do something they simply refuse to do. She kept a livejournal in her last few months (Nvayne is the name), and Brent read it this week. In it, she said some pretty bad things about him, some pretty bad UNTRUE things, and I think that eased Brent's guilt a bit. Knowing that regardless of how he looked back on their time together, wanting to remember the good and not the bad, that even up till the end she continued to look at him as someone who was horrible to her and not take any responsibility for her own actions helped in an unfortunate way. We took flowers to her grave on Monday, and I told Brent if he ever needs to talk about things, I'm here for him. I think he feels that talking to me about her is in some way a betrayal to me of what we have together, but I disagree. I know at one point she was very important to him, and because of that, she holds a place of respect for me. There's also no use in feeling negative toward those even less fortunate than ourselves. At least Brent and I are still here, relatively healthy, and there for each other. Keeps things a little more in perspective...
Last quarter I should have enjoyed things as they were. Sure, Bush was re-elected. Sure, money was tight. Sure, I was missing my friends. BUT... things are way worse now. Schoolwise, I'm fine. I'm finally going to graduate soon, and I got straight A's last quarter. Maybe I will again this quarter, but I'm not going to count my chickens before they're hatched, you know? But right around Christmas, everything started going to shit. Christmas itself, it being the first Christmas I've ever spent in a real relationship, was very pleasant. Brent and I decorated our new place (we moved in a grueling time, the day after Thanksgiving) with all the furniture my mom gave us, including a Christmas tree and stockings, even one for our wonderful puppy Gollum. But that was when I began noticing how the family credit was always maxed out. Kyle, who is now engaged to Beth (weirdly enough, someone who went to Westerville North in the first place) was apparently saving his entire salary to but her a rock. And he did... it's like 2 karats, which I feel is ridiculous considering he was still in school at the time. Apparently while saving up (he still had to take out a loan regardless), he was charging mad cash to my parents credit cards. We have two that are for the family, and they are supposed to be used for occasional spending, gas, etc. Kyle, according to my mom, ran up a lot of debt. But it was also my mom's spending that was/is causing problems. Not knowing how bad things were becoming, but still having some inkling, I was feeling very conflicted over not only the fact that Mom encouraged Brent and I to move to place nicer and larger than where we were going to live, but a lot more expensive too. She told us she would help with a few of the things we weren't sure we could afford, so we went for it anyway. Next she bought us a lot of new furniture, a new table, end tables, a lamp set, slip covers, etc. I felt it was way too much, especially right before Christmas, but Mom was giving us stuff right and left without us even asking. Brent began to fret about my parent's finances, especially when we saw how much stuff was wrapped under the X-mas tree, and with good reason. My family is in deep financial debt. Really deep. My brother and I are the only ones who are really aware of this, as my Mom is keeping my Dad's head in the clouds hoping to not cause him stress. Personally, I think it's a little messed up that my Mom is asking her kids, one of whom she knows is very easily affected emotionally by stress, to carry the burden of this. She actually told me yesterday that we shouldn't spend much if any of Brent's tax return because if she doesn't get the refund before the end of the month, she will need his money to pay the bills. We already barely have enough to make ends meet in this too expensive, too big place that my Mom talked us into renting. Mom is looking into debt consolidation, which oddly enough, Kyle got a part time job dealing with through a woman that chatted him up at GNC. I thought things were going to get better, but I knew that option was sounding a little too easy. The first place they applied to turned them down-- too high risk. I'm really scared that this isn't going to work out, and not just that, I'm very angry at the fact that my Mom spent so much money over the holidays and encouraged our living situation. I'm very angry she didn't apprise any of us of ANY of this before it got to the crisis point, and still continued to spend as if the money was there. I don't feel directing my anger at my Mom will have much point, as she's already upset enough about everything, but I feel helpless, and the stress is really starting to hurt me.
Just a short while ago, things were looking so good, sounding so optimistic, and I was feeling better and doing better than I had been in a long time, if ever. I should have known it was all too good to be true. I know I still have good things in my life, and I thank God I have Brent, both of them actually, because without them I would probably be much worse off than I am. I just don't see an end to this, and I don't know what to do, other than get a job and hope that things work out somehow. I feel so guilty about my roll in this too... if I hadn't been having so many problems with depression I would have been working more steadily and be long since graduated. I feel my dependence on my parents has definitely contributed to this situation too, and the guilt is really bringing me down. The lack of friends in my life who really care about me and whom I could count on to be there for me is also really making me blue. I know a lot of that is my fault for not keeping in proper touch with people, and for not actively facilitating new relationships, but over this past year I've been so wrapped up in my boyfriend and my life with him, and trying to get through school and into a better state all around. I just feel lost and alone, and I want to be happy in the newness of my relationship with the guy I'm going to marry (someday, if we may ever afford it) and be happy I'm doing well in school, but I'm so worried about my parents. Picturing ever having financial solvency now seems like a pipe dream I'll never see. I don't see a degree as a guarantee that I will have a decent job with decent pay either.
Also, Brent's first wife, Laura, died last week. They had a long and complex relationship years ago that ended up making them both very unhappy, and Laura was diagnosed with Hodgkins after they'd been together about a year or so. Brent took care of her, and stood by her during the year and half before her first remission. They even married during this time, and lost a child due to the chemo. Brent wanted Laura to continue with her checkups, follow-ups and so on, but Laura hated the cancer and chemo so much she apparently refused to keep up with doctors appointments, and soon after they split up for good her cancer returned. Laura cheated on Brent twice, which when he found out the second time (it happened in their home), he asked her to leave, and she did. She made a divorce difficult because she was not working and was dependent on Brent's insurance for her medical expenses. Brent knew this, and had a very hard time forcing the issue because he did not want her not to have medical care. Once he met me and we fell in love, he really felt the need to have his relationship with Laura ended for good because he wanted to be totally free of ties so we could be together as we wanted to be. Her parents called him begging him to give her more time, and the way it ended up, she was on his insurance the rest of her treatment-- her life. Brent was very upset and grief-stricken, blaming himself for not insisting more rigorously that she go back for checkups, but as I told him, one can't make someone do something they simply refuse to do. She kept a livejournal in her last few months (Nvayne is the name), and Brent read it this week. In it, she said some pretty bad things about him, some pretty bad UNTRUE things, and I think that eased Brent's guilt a bit. Knowing that regardless of how he looked back on their time together, wanting to remember the good and not the bad, that even up till the end she continued to look at him as someone who was horrible to her and not take any responsibility for her own actions helped in an unfortunate way. We took flowers to her grave on Monday, and I told Brent if he ever needs to talk about things, I'm here for him. I think he feels that talking to me about her is in some way a betrayal to me of what we have together, but I disagree. I know at one point she was very important to him, and because of that, she holds a place of respect for me. There's also no use in feeling negative toward those even less fortunate than ourselves. At least Brent and I are still here, relatively healthy, and there for each other. Keeps things a little more in perspective...