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Character: Equius Zahhak
Series: Homestuck
Age: 6 Alternian solar sweeps (13 in Earth years)
Canon: (CONTAINS SPOILERS.) Homestuck is a webcomic with occasional bouts of interactive Flash videos that tells the story of four 13-year-old kids who play a dumb game called “Sburb” that no one else in the world particularly cares about. Sucks to be the rest of humanity, though, because the point of Sburb is to destroy the current players’ planet and create a new universe, presumably for the game players to live in. But wait, the plot thickens: the game of Sburb has been doomed to fail from the very beginning according to some trolls who have already played the game (titled “Sgrub”) in their universe. No, really!
Equius Zahhak is one of the trolls who played Sgrub. He’s not a very friendly guy--but then again, trolls aren’t supposed to be. He’s one of the only trolls who cares about his caste placement on the blood hemospectrum, which is helpfully ranked in the order of the rainbow with red being the lowest and violet being the highest. Equius is 4th highest with blue blood, which feeds into his interesting quirk of enjoying being ordered around just a little too much--it’s one of his triggers for his rather gross sweating problem and he requires a towel to clean himself every time. He also loves grotesquely muscular beasts native to the troll homeworld of Alternia, being strong, and archery, despite completely sucking at it. On Trollian (the messaging program of choice), Equius takes the handle of centaursTesticle [CT] doesn’t use ending punctuation, prefaces every message with the sacred bow and arrow D --> and greatly abhors 100d language unfitting of b100b100ds. Cussing is not an e%ception
Sample Post:
-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling campfuckyouDie [CD] at 4:13 --
CT: D --> This is abso100tely reprehensible
CT: D --> The filthy-b100ded wriggler responsible for this place’s atrocious namesake needs to show themselves
CT: D --> So that I may give them their due punishment
CT: D --> For e%posing a high-class b100b100d such as myself to this incredibly vulgar language
CT: D --> I will not stand for your insubordination
CT: D --> You will alter all instances of the appearance of this word immediately
CT: D --> If you would like to confront me about this in person by means of a high-sta% fight to the end
CT: D --> I am located near the magnificent seabeast’s inappropriate place of refuge
CT: D --> I respect that these beasts are wonderful creatures to be adored by all
CT: D --> But I am perple%ed by the decision to hoist her into an environment that does not suit her
CT: D --> She appears to be content so I suppose I have no need to intervene
CT: D --> As long as we are on the subject of the stunning creatures found in this grossly named camp
CT: D --> I am pleased with the large purple beasts walking about
CT: D --> However
CT: D --> Your efforts to represent the higher class of the hemospectrum of the highly superior troll species are not without faults
CT: D --> For instance, these delightfully colored hulking beasts are not even quadrupedal
CT: D --> Like the hoofed musclebeast, though we high-class trolls call them by their proper name, ‘centaurs’
CT: D --> But I will not hold this unfortunate act of gene misplacement against these beasts
CT: D --> In fact I wish to congratulate them, perhaps with a firm pat on the back
centaursTesticle’s [CT’S] congratulatory backpat crushed the unsuspecting, unnamed purple beast’s spine.
CT: D --> Oh God
CT: D --> I didn’t take my strength into account
CT: D --> That was not the intended result
CT: D --> Please understand I meant no harm to your fellow beast brother
CT: D --> For someone lower on the hemospectrum to do such a thing is abso100tely despicable
CT: D --> Yes, it is so awful to fathom
CT: D --> Tell me what an awful, low-class scum I am
CT: D --> Compared to you of the purple fur and b100d
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Ummm, I think
CT: D --> We should leave this topic alone for now
CT: D --> I’m sweating
CT: D --> Nnnnnnnnn
CT: D --> I need a towel
-- centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling campfuckyouDie [CD] --
Voting went here, 35 & 6 for 85.4%.
Series: Homestuck
Age: 6 Alternian solar sweeps (13 in Earth years)
Canon: (CONTAINS SPOILERS.) Homestuck is a webcomic with occasional bouts of interactive Flash videos that tells the story of four 13-year-old kids who play a dumb game called “Sburb” that no one else in the world particularly cares about. Sucks to be the rest of humanity, though, because the point of Sburb is to destroy the current players’ planet and create a new universe, presumably for the game players to live in. But wait, the plot thickens: the game of Sburb has been doomed to fail from the very beginning according to some trolls who have already played the game (titled “Sgrub”) in their universe. No, really!
Equius Zahhak is one of the trolls who played Sgrub. He’s not a very friendly guy--but then again, trolls aren’t supposed to be. He’s one of the only trolls who cares about his caste placement on the blood hemospectrum, which is helpfully ranked in the order of the rainbow with red being the lowest and violet being the highest. Equius is 4th highest with blue blood, which feeds into his interesting quirk of enjoying being ordered around just a little too much--it’s one of his triggers for his rather gross sweating problem and he requires a towel to clean himself every time. He also loves grotesquely muscular beasts native to the troll homeworld of Alternia, being strong, and archery, despite completely sucking at it. On Trollian (the messaging program of choice), Equius takes the handle of centaursTesticle [CT] doesn’t use ending punctuation, prefaces every message with the sacred bow and arrow D --> and greatly abhors 100d language unfitting of b100b100ds. Cussing is not an e%ception
Sample Post:
-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling campfuckyouDie [CD] at 4:13 --
CT: D --> This is abso100tely reprehensible
CT: D --> The filthy-b100ded wriggler responsible for this place’s atrocious namesake needs to show themselves
CT: D --> So that I may give them their due punishment
CT: D --> For e%posing a high-class b100b100d such as myself to this incredibly vulgar language
CT: D --> I will not stand for your insubordination
CT: D --> You will alter all instances of the appearance of this word immediately
CT: D --> If you would like to confront me about this in person by means of a high-sta% fight to the end
CT: D --> I am located near the magnificent seabeast’s inappropriate place of refuge
CT: D --> I respect that these beasts are wonderful creatures to be adored by all
CT: D --> But I am perple%ed by the decision to hoist her into an environment that does not suit her
CT: D --> She appears to be content so I suppose I have no need to intervene
CT: D --> As long as we are on the subject of the stunning creatures found in this grossly named camp
CT: D --> I am pleased with the large purple beasts walking about
CT: D --> However
CT: D --> Your efforts to represent the higher class of the hemospectrum of the highly superior troll species are not without faults
CT: D --> For instance, these delightfully colored hulking beasts are not even quadrupedal
CT: D --> Like the hoofed musclebeast, though we high-class trolls call them by their proper name, ‘centaurs’
CT: D --> But I will not hold this unfortunate act of gene misplacement against these beasts
CT: D --> In fact I wish to congratulate them, perhaps with a firm pat on the back
centaursTesticle’s [CT’S] congratulatory backpat crushed the unsuspecting, unnamed purple beast’s spine.
CT: D --> Oh God
CT: D --> I didn’t take my strength into account
CT: D --> That was not the intended result
CT: D --> Please understand I meant no harm to your fellow beast brother
CT: D --> For someone lower on the hemospectrum to do such a thing is abso100tely despicable
CT: D --> Yes, it is so awful to fathom
CT: D --> Tell me what an awful, low-class scum I am
CT: D --> Compared to you of the purple fur and b100d
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Ummm, I think
CT: D --> We should leave this topic alone for now
CT: D --> I’m sweating
CT: D --> Nnnnnnnnn
CT: D --> I need a towel
-- centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling campfuckyouDie [CD] --
Voting went here, 35 & 6 for 85.4%.