(no subject)
I am seriously at a dead end. I don't know what else I can do in this world, nothing seems like it will ever work out in the end, and I will never see the end. I feel at like every aspect (girls, work, music) I will never succeed. All of these things take other peoples cooperation in order to work, so there must be something wrong with me. It all feels like my room mamtes in my god damned condo. I can't even get them to do their own dishes. every inch of that place that is not covered with filth is because of an angry frustrated moment I had where I decided I could not live like that anymore. I mean, seriously, the place has become a dump. I'll clean the counter when its too dirty for me to stand, I'll clean the bathroom, I'll organize the junk laying around in the living room, I'll do ALLLL the dishes, (even though I wash every dish I ever use immediately after I use it, so NONE of the buildup in the sink is mine). I can force things to be clean, but I can't force anyone to cooperate. Am I becomeing my dad? No - he's a fucking jerk-wad, he wants things his way or he becomes abusive and violent - I wonder if I have that In me? Probably, I certainly feel the urge. Fuck that shit. Why did my mother marry that fucker anyway? Must have been something attractive about a violent abusive jerk wad. Perhaps if I can figure this old shit out I can handle the new shit.