Tuning In...
My feelings about UCSD have changed a bit since last week. I wouldn't say the change was so much a dramatic shift as it was a rapid one. In the last conversation I had with some friends a week ago about being here, I pretty much found this place a social desert. Yes, people here are in a rush to get to their next thing, but where are they not? That's just the world at its finest. It's what I'd been telling myself for a long time, but only recently have I really come closer to accepting it.
So, I decided to tag along. As soon as I paid my membership dues to a certain club, I was pretty much on the same track as everyone else. Running around meeting strangers, getting to know people, and connecting with fellow transfers at such a rapid pace that I almost forgot I was going to Vegas the very next day. By the time Vegas did come, I was all warmed up for the trip, and I had a blast all weekend.
Then I came back to San Diego. I held back on my thoughts about how I'd feel coming back here so that I could take in the full experience untainted by biases. Surprisingly enough, it felt like a sanctuary. The first thing I said when I walked through the door of my apartment, not really to anyone in particular, was, "Home sweet home," and it really did feel like home.
And then there's the loneliness. It's not as bad as before. It's not so much that I needed to get out and join things--I already learned that from my days at PCC. It was more the need to be doing SOMETHING. And that something came in the form of learning how to maintain a solid academic and social life here. With my schedule, chances are slim that I'll be finding a job this quarter, and I've put a hold on attempting to graduate early just to escape the UC-wide fee increases for next year. Aside from the fees though, I really did want to just graduate at the same time as everyone I grew up with. Looking back on it, I realize that a lot of the most important decisions in my life were made out of the desire to stay in my comfort zones. Wanting to be with my friends was my main driving force for going to UCLA so many times over the years. Wanting to be away from my mom was my strongest motivation for choosing UCSD. It wasn't so much an ego issue as it was an issue of being with my closest friends. As we get older and start heading out in our own directions though, I'm getting more and more adjusted to the idea that we'll just have each other at a distance while we live our own lives. It's as Ruby said once approximately 5 and a half years ago, "Now's the time to grow and share together". I'm still working on applying that to my own life.
I've found a cubby for myself here. There are plenty of quiet places on the western part of the top floor in the Geissel Library where people like myself go to follow up on readings and lectures and to catch the view of the Pacific out the windows. Rule of thumb that I'll remember the next time I study all the way up there: face the east when it starts to approach sunset, lest ye burn your eyes out trying to dodge the reflected sunlight. It's actually kind of cozy just sitting up there. I think I'm going to try to make a routine out of studying-ocean meditating-studying. It seems like a healthy habit to keep up daily. There's a whole host of things I want to get done before I graduate from here, and I think that over time, I'll actually really get to like it here. I might just avoid catching "the LA Bug", as my South Africa professor puts it. I can already feel myself really mellowing out to match the atmosphere here. Maybe when the presence of school gets heavier and the presence of clubs lightens up, I might just follow the little flow of energy that goes around here and match up to it.
In the meantime, Victor out.
So, I decided to tag along. As soon as I paid my membership dues to a certain club, I was pretty much on the same track as everyone else. Running around meeting strangers, getting to know people, and connecting with fellow transfers at such a rapid pace that I almost forgot I was going to Vegas the very next day. By the time Vegas did come, I was all warmed up for the trip, and I had a blast all weekend.
Then I came back to San Diego. I held back on my thoughts about how I'd feel coming back here so that I could take in the full experience untainted by biases. Surprisingly enough, it felt like a sanctuary. The first thing I said when I walked through the door of my apartment, not really to anyone in particular, was, "Home sweet home," and it really did feel like home.
And then there's the loneliness. It's not as bad as before. It's not so much that I needed to get out and join things--I already learned that from my days at PCC. It was more the need to be doing SOMETHING. And that something came in the form of learning how to maintain a solid academic and social life here. With my schedule, chances are slim that I'll be finding a job this quarter, and I've put a hold on attempting to graduate early just to escape the UC-wide fee increases for next year. Aside from the fees though, I really did want to just graduate at the same time as everyone I grew up with. Looking back on it, I realize that a lot of the most important decisions in my life were made out of the desire to stay in my comfort zones. Wanting to be with my friends was my main driving force for going to UCLA so many times over the years. Wanting to be away from my mom was my strongest motivation for choosing UCSD. It wasn't so much an ego issue as it was an issue of being with my closest friends. As we get older and start heading out in our own directions though, I'm getting more and more adjusted to the idea that we'll just have each other at a distance while we live our own lives. It's as Ruby said once approximately 5 and a half years ago, "Now's the time to grow and share together". I'm still working on applying that to my own life.
I've found a cubby for myself here. There are plenty of quiet places on the western part of the top floor in the Geissel Library where people like myself go to follow up on readings and lectures and to catch the view of the Pacific out the windows. Rule of thumb that I'll remember the next time I study all the way up there: face the east when it starts to approach sunset, lest ye burn your eyes out trying to dodge the reflected sunlight. It's actually kind of cozy just sitting up there. I think I'm going to try to make a routine out of studying-ocean meditating-studying. It seems like a healthy habit to keep up daily. There's a whole host of things I want to get done before I graduate from here, and I think that over time, I'll actually really get to like it here. I might just avoid catching "the LA Bug", as my South Africa professor puts it. I can already feel myself really mellowing out to match the atmosphere here. Maybe when the presence of school gets heavier and the presence of clubs lightens up, I might just follow the little flow of energy that goes around here and match up to it.
In the meantime, Victor out.