The end of a lot of things
The end of this break felt like the last page for a lot of chapters simultaneously. I'm still going hiking tomorrow morning and grabbing lunch, but after that, it's a day chock full of packing and heading back to school for another quarter of my third year.
And that's what hurts. This quarter marks the last for most of my friends in the college classes of 2010. It isn't the same feeling I had as when I stayed a year behind at PCC to change my major. This one doesn't involve my ego or feelings of being left behind. This feeling is much simpler. I feel lonelier.
Maybe it's because this time around it's much more uncertain where everyone is going, and in some cases certainly distant. Or maybe it's because I don't have a job this time around to occupy my time and to refocus my energies. But this is just the end of spring break and the beginning of the spring quarter.
Just when I was thinking about where we were all going as friends, my mind's eye flashed back to the last episode in the "Honey and Clover" series, where everyone was basically heading their own directions. I find myself frantically looking for the complete manga in multiple scanlating sites to get a more permanent analysis of the events. Aside from that though, I noticed that I watch these slice of life anime in order to learn about the ups and downs that come from the events that life has in store. I was wondering if the way I watched dramas and these shows made any difference in how I was growing up, but then it hit me: the chances of two people watching any given slice of life drama the same way or for the same reasons as each other are slim to none, and probably sheer coincidence if they were ever to cross.
The irony was that in all the times I was trying to stand up for the significance of individuality in thoughts, something kept screaming at me to do whatever I could to convince those around me into thinking the same way. It was all subconscious, but during dinner, I had an epiphany when the girls were comparing what they looked for in guys (physically). Ankles, calves, jawlines, backs; yeah, there was plenty of agreement and whooping and laughing and all that good stuff, but no one really made an unoriginal contribution. The lightbulb clicked on. Everyone's looking for someone unique. Everyone's got an ideal life package. Everyone's doing something different. Everyone's going their own way. And no two people are really at the same stage: beginning, continuing, leveling up, finishing, and carrying on. The differences and dynamics of these factors from just five, let alone eleven people comes together and creates a fabric that tells an entire story about us as humans while we're growing up.
I started this entry over three hours ago, completely bummed that my friends from my actual year are graduating already, after four grueling and beautiful years of college. Them moving on meant me staying behind and working my way through to graduate and get on track with my own life. After taking plenty of breaks to try and locate "Honey and Clover" (to no avail) and just think about my own situation in school compared to everyone else's, I just settled on the opinion that what I'm experiencing now is just how we're going to grow up. It might have something to do with watching "Up In The Air" just a matter of days ago, but the idea stands, albeit less extremely than it does in the film: we all grow up separately. That's not necessarily the same as growing up alone. Having our own lives is one thing, being effectively dead is another. I don't want to die at twenty-two. Being at UCSD has taught me that it is very easy to do that with the sheer amount of GE's.
But I'm sick of that life. Sure I'll be studying as usual, but I want to open up this time around. I'm sick of being manipulated and pushed ever-so-gradually until one day the pushover personality blindsided me before I realized it. I'm tired of being that example of the pathetic person no one wants to become. Yes, it beats being a baby-raping serial killer (*cough, Steven, cough*), but still, it's a negative image. As of now, I'm weak alone. I want to--nay--NEED to learn to get back that Victor Tran from that very specific time toward the end of June just last year. Confident, self-supporting, and enjoyed friendship as opposed to needing it. But I also need to discard some factors from last year. No more being manipulated and possessed. Constantly vigilant. My friends (you guys) may be gone, but my friendships will last. In the regard that I'm confident about that, this post is like one of mine from high school all over again, except that now we're slightly more mature, noticeably smarter, and definitely heading our separate ways.
This isn't a high school "I love my friends" entry, nor is it an early twenties "I'm still growing" post. This is more of a vindication for myself. This is a "I'm sick of feeling sick of feeling sick of myself" post. I'm hardening my heart to the loneliness, which I've found to be the emotionally and mentally safest way to get through this next year and a half still in school while everyone else is, well, everywhere else. I'm turning a blind eye to the demands of those "friends" who've forgotten what friendship means to me, so that I don't have to turn bleary eyes to the ones who do. I'm putting up shields, ever thicker, in order to better filter the new people I encounter. But it's still no "ultimate message". I feel like that only comes at the deathbed. This is more of an accumulation of what I've experienced with Lunchbox, laced with a healthy tablespoonful of "I can't believe it took me this long to get it". This is no more Mister Nice Guy. I'm tired of letting that be who I am, and I refuse to take it as a secondary name any longer. So who am I?
Hi, I'm Victor Tran. Sky's a lot brighter tonight.
-- EDIT --
Oh, and I think I'll start posting on just LJ or just Xanga from now on. You had a point, Cap. I was being paranoid, haha
And that's what hurts. This quarter marks the last for most of my friends in the college classes of 2010. It isn't the same feeling I had as when I stayed a year behind at PCC to change my major. This one doesn't involve my ego or feelings of being left behind. This feeling is much simpler. I feel lonelier.
Maybe it's because this time around it's much more uncertain where everyone is going, and in some cases certainly distant. Or maybe it's because I don't have a job this time around to occupy my time and to refocus my energies. But this is just the end of spring break and the beginning of the spring quarter.
Just when I was thinking about where we were all going as friends, my mind's eye flashed back to the last episode in the "Honey and Clover" series, where everyone was basically heading their own directions. I find myself frantically looking for the complete manga in multiple scanlating sites to get a more permanent analysis of the events. Aside from that though, I noticed that I watch these slice of life anime in order to learn about the ups and downs that come from the events that life has in store. I was wondering if the way I watched dramas and these shows made any difference in how I was growing up, but then it hit me: the chances of two people watching any given slice of life drama the same way or for the same reasons as each other are slim to none, and probably sheer coincidence if they were ever to cross.
The irony was that in all the times I was trying to stand up for the significance of individuality in thoughts, something kept screaming at me to do whatever I could to convince those around me into thinking the same way. It was all subconscious, but during dinner, I had an epiphany when the girls were comparing what they looked for in guys (physically). Ankles, calves, jawlines, backs; yeah, there was plenty of agreement and whooping and laughing and all that good stuff, but no one really made an unoriginal contribution. The lightbulb clicked on. Everyone's looking for someone unique. Everyone's got an ideal life package. Everyone's doing something different. Everyone's going their own way. And no two people are really at the same stage: beginning, continuing, leveling up, finishing, and carrying on. The differences and dynamics of these factors from just five, let alone eleven people comes together and creates a fabric that tells an entire story about us as humans while we're growing up.
I started this entry over three hours ago, completely bummed that my friends from my actual year are graduating already, after four grueling and beautiful years of college. Them moving on meant me staying behind and working my way through to graduate and get on track with my own life. After taking plenty of breaks to try and locate "Honey and Clover" (to no avail) and just think about my own situation in school compared to everyone else's, I just settled on the opinion that what I'm experiencing now is just how we're going to grow up. It might have something to do with watching "Up In The Air" just a matter of days ago, but the idea stands, albeit less extremely than it does in the film: we all grow up separately. That's not necessarily the same as growing up alone. Having our own lives is one thing, being effectively dead is another. I don't want to die at twenty-two. Being at UCSD has taught me that it is very easy to do that with the sheer amount of GE's.
But I'm sick of that life. Sure I'll be studying as usual, but I want to open up this time around. I'm sick of being manipulated and pushed ever-so-gradually until one day the pushover personality blindsided me before I realized it. I'm tired of being that example of the pathetic person no one wants to become. Yes, it beats being a baby-raping serial killer (*cough, Steven, cough*), but still, it's a negative image. As of now, I'm weak alone. I want to--nay--NEED to learn to get back that Victor Tran from that very specific time toward the end of June just last year. Confident, self-supporting, and enjoyed friendship as opposed to needing it. But I also need to discard some factors from last year. No more being manipulated and possessed. Constantly vigilant. My friends (you guys) may be gone, but my friendships will last. In the regard that I'm confident about that, this post is like one of mine from high school all over again, except that now we're slightly more mature, noticeably smarter, and definitely heading our separate ways.
This isn't a high school "I love my friends" entry, nor is it an early twenties "I'm still growing" post. This is more of a vindication for myself. This is a "I'm sick of feeling sick of feeling sick of myself" post. I'm hardening my heart to the loneliness, which I've found to be the emotionally and mentally safest way to get through this next year and a half still in school while everyone else is, well, everywhere else. I'm turning a blind eye to the demands of those "friends" who've forgotten what friendship means to me, so that I don't have to turn bleary eyes to the ones who do. I'm putting up shields, ever thicker, in order to better filter the new people I encounter. But it's still no "ultimate message". I feel like that only comes at the deathbed. This is more of an accumulation of what I've experienced with Lunchbox, laced with a healthy tablespoonful of "I can't believe it took me this long to get it". This is no more Mister Nice Guy. I'm tired of letting that be who I am, and I refuse to take it as a secondary name any longer. So who am I?
Hi, I'm Victor Tran. Sky's a lot brighter tonight.
-- EDIT --
Oh, and I think I'll start posting on just LJ or just Xanga from now on. You had a point, Cap. I was being paranoid, haha