Don't feel like dancing
I wish my ipod had a remote. That would be great.
So uh, some days I feel like saying, "Fuck everything." And then some days are great. I can't even put everything into words on a screen. That seems so empty. Lots of things seem empty lately. I look really happy, though, so that's working out for me.
I've backspaced this line seven times. I've lost my words. I'm so tired of all the shit and everything that comes along with whereever I am right now. I even contemplated leaving, but I'm too stuck to even do that.
I so desperately want to be happy and fine. I self-diagnose. I am so fucking selfish. Let's start at the beginning.
I'm not over being alone. This is my problem. I have no boyfriend or any prospects. Not that I even want any really. Yes I do. I don't have a best friend here that I can talk to in person and get realtime feedback from. I have a lot of acquaintances who don't care, notice, or try. So I am alone. The root of the problem. I spend a lot of time in front of the tv or in my room on the computer. I feel like I'm wasting my time, my semester, my life. I go from fine to shit to happy to I don't even know. And because I am alone, there is no one to tell all this stuff to, no way to release. There is so much that is kinda building pressure every which way.
I'm trying not to be all emo-whine, typical lj behavior. In fact, it has been a long long time since I sat on lj and whined, so maybe I've earned a little bit of leeway. Whatever.
So my roommate doesn't seem to want me around most of the time. And the people I used to be friends with are scattered around campus, and I don't really feel as close to them as before. And I feel like no one wants me. I don't even want me most of the time.
I didn't want this semester to be me biding my time until Oxford, but it has turned into that. Almost every day, I think, "Hey, once I'm in England, it'll be fine. I'll be having fun...blah blah blah." But I deserve to have fun now. And I'm not. Not in the least. If I were having fun, I wouldn't be watching so much damn tv or sitting on facebook. And when I'm not doing those things, I feel fine. But because no one wants me and I'm too self-conscious to make them, I sit.
My playlists are getting pretty schizophrenic
all for now...
So uh, some days I feel like saying, "Fuck everything." And then some days are great. I can't even put everything into words on a screen. That seems so empty. Lots of things seem empty lately. I look really happy, though, so that's working out for me.
I've backspaced this line seven times. I've lost my words. I'm so tired of all the shit and everything that comes along with whereever I am right now. I even contemplated leaving, but I'm too stuck to even do that.
I so desperately want to be happy and fine. I self-diagnose. I am so fucking selfish. Let's start at the beginning.
I'm not over being alone. This is my problem. I have no boyfriend or any prospects. Not that I even want any really. Yes I do. I don't have a best friend here that I can talk to in person and get realtime feedback from. I have a lot of acquaintances who don't care, notice, or try. So I am alone. The root of the problem. I spend a lot of time in front of the tv or in my room on the computer. I feel like I'm wasting my time, my semester, my life. I go from fine to shit to happy to I don't even know. And because I am alone, there is no one to tell all this stuff to, no way to release. There is so much that is kinda building pressure every which way.
I'm trying not to be all emo-whine, typical lj behavior. In fact, it has been a long long time since I sat on lj and whined, so maybe I've earned a little bit of leeway. Whatever.
So my roommate doesn't seem to want me around most of the time. And the people I used to be friends with are scattered around campus, and I don't really feel as close to them as before. And I feel like no one wants me. I don't even want me most of the time.
I didn't want this semester to be me biding my time until Oxford, but it has turned into that. Almost every day, I think, "Hey, once I'm in England, it'll be fine. I'll be having fun...blah blah blah." But I deserve to have fun now. And I'm not. Not in the least. If I were having fun, I wouldn't be watching so much damn tv or sitting on facebook. And when I'm not doing those things, I feel fine. But because no one wants me and I'm too self-conscious to make them, I sit.
My playlists are getting pretty schizophrenic
all for now...