Wow, this starts off and takes a completely left turn.
I love being called immature because I made a mild comment about Cameron and Justin's relationship. Please. But whatever, I'm letting it go. *takes in a deep breath* my inner chi is now restored to its peaceful state.
And if I'm going to say something about the fandom over here I think it is LAME that because Lance came out people are backing out on things. Lame. As Chris said when he mentioned his friends calling him and asking about Lance, "You've met Lance, you've seen Lance, come on."
The girl on the radio show Chris was on kept annoying me a lot. She kept butting in and saying "the industry blah blah". Um, I think Chris knows way more about "the industry" and "fans" than you do. I'm actually 100% sure he does. She brought up how fans are in denial and mentioned how many of them probably wrote Mrs. Kirkpatrick or Mrs. Bass and how they're sad it will never happen.
And it really kind of bugged me the other morning when I was listening to it. I most certainly wrote Mrs. Timberlake, Mrs. Chasez, Mrs. Kirkpatrick, Mrs. Bass, Mrs. Fatone, Marissa Timberlake, Marissa Chasez, Marissa Kirkpatrick, Marissa Bass, and Marissa Fatone on a piece of paper at some point in my life (still use one of them because I write fan fic). I've even written Mrs. Marissa Timberlake-Chasez/ Mrs. Marissa Chasez-Timberlake (totally for a soap opera story)good times Katie) . Who cares, does that mean I don't respect the music those guys put out, the blood and sweat they put into everything? No. I was tween, that's what you do, and no matter what year it is 1998, 2007, 2020, 3105, young girls will always have a crush on some guy (or girl) and have little fantasies that they're going to get married. Because it's fun to dream it's fun to have those little day dreams. Do any of us actually think we're going to marry them? No. Well, maybe 2% do, I do know a girl who had 'Jenny Carter' engraved on her high school class ring. I guess it just bugged me because fans get a bad rap a lot of the time to people and usually it's a small group representing what they think. Not all fans of Chris Kirkpatrick or whoever are going to spontaneously combust with joy upon being ten feet away from him and go bazerk.
I guess it just bugged me because I'm like B you don't know me, you don't know my story, you don't know why I'm a fan. Yeah I may have a lot of their merchandise "" and I may listen to their music all the time but don't lump me in with those over obsessed fans that scare ALL of us. I stood right next to Chris who was drunk and a little hopped up on cough syrup and I was fine. Made polite conversation in the elevator, but I didn't jump him and he was pretty much pressed up against me. I didn't touch him inappropriatly, I didn't scream "oH mY GoD dO yOu LYKE kNoW WHo yOu ArE?!?! I LURVE YOU!!!" I asked him how he was doing and he didn't have much of a voice but he was polite and it made my whole world. Sure it's not how I always mapped up in my head the first time I would actualy get to meet any of them, but I still did. I got to meet someone that I had admired and followed his career for 8 years. The guy that actually drew me in to this group.
The truth is I think my life is pretty valuable, and if it wasn't for them I'm sure I wouldn't still be here. Which is why I supported them and still do. Why I buy the merch, why I spend all the money. If I hadn't of been happening to listen to the radio one night, if I had went to bed early, well, everything would be much different. I probably still would have become a fan, but who really knows. But I was awake that night and I was listening to this high pitch voice coming from my stereo singing "Lion Sleeps Tonight" and for the first time all week I had smiled and I had laughed. Those guys were really entertaining. And in the middle of it all, my world came crashing down when the phone rings. When you're 12, if a phone rings at one, two o clock in the morning it's never good news. My little sister had died just then and my world was spinning out of control. I grabbed onto those guys who had made me smile and laugh. I didn't really come out of my room much that summer or the next one, only when my family made me because I think they kind of just expected me to be ok with everything. I would come downstairs after my grandpa left for work around lunch time, grab a roll or some bread, maybe an apple or something and go back upstairs. For the rest of the day. Didn't eat breakfast, barely ate something you could call a lunch, didn't eat dinner. I wasn't starving myself and I didn't binge or anything, I just wasn't ever hungry. I was still too hurt and dealing emotionally with too many things (But years later me and my psych teacher would talk about how this behavior showed signs of anorexia and depression). On rare occasions I would come down and watch tv for like an hour. I was depressed and it didn't seem like anyone in my family realized this even with my behavior so I let this musical group help me get out of it.
The second summer I had stayed in my room all the time, from the past year *NSYNC's fame had grown quite a bit (it was now 99) and I had met some friends who liked them so I actually had people to talk to about them. Still for the most part I stayed in my room that summer unless my friends called me and wanted to hang out. And I began writing. My teachers had always told me they knew I was going to be a writer when I grew up. When I was in elementary school we had to write stories in these little white books. Mine always took two to fill up and one time I ditched it all together and had my mom help me type it on the computer. But I always got little writing achievements, so I thought if they think I'm good at it maybe writing will be something I can do in my freetime.
So that summer in 99 I started writing this story that had me and my best friends at the time in it and it had *NSYNC in it. I had dated Chris back in the day but was now dating JC, and Sammie was dating Joey. And then JC cheated on me with his ex (who was originally named Misty or something but Katie wanted to be in the story so I made it her) and then I started dating Jeff Timmons from 98 Degrees. Sam thinks she's pregnant and that storyline ensues (we're like 13 btw lol) and I don't remember what happens cause I packed this story away cause no one ever needs to read it and how horrible it is. I think JC gets in a car accident and I see him for the first time in years and I tell him I'm engaged and I'm getting married in a few days and blah blah. I don't really know, It was over 600 pages though so I'm sure something happened after that.
And then I found this person that wrote NSYNC fiction and to this day it is some of the best *NSYNC related fiction I have ever read. No, not Fiction Lyn, ew. Her name was Beth aka Hellbent and she ran this *NSYNC site that I want to say was called the playground? Maybe that was the message board. Anyway, I read her stuff and was like wow, people actually really write things involving them and it's GOOD. And months after I started reading I saw she had a message board and I went on that and met a handful of people, including my soon to be two best friends. Then we all started having little writing things together and we were going to form this girl group called Ineritia. Which I always thought was "in your eat ah" not "in yerr cha". We all knew it wouldn't happen but it was just fun to have that. And we had little writing stories which actually the story that seadoochick and I still write, started there. It's not so much the same story anymore it's had change after change after change mostly due to the fact of me not liking things later and growing up. But yeah, I still have the FIRST draft of "THE Story" as we call it.
But then I still had this other emotionally damaging thing called my Grandpa and my cousin. I'm the different one in my family, always have been and always will. My mom is the oldest of four and she was the good kid, the Valedvictorian the responsible one, etc. Well... she started having really bad back pains and stuff one day to the point where she was crying so my aunt and grandma brought her into the ER and the doctor told her she was in labor. I would have loved to be there to see this moment. I just imagine peoples chins literally hitting the floor and eyes really bugging out. This was the most shock to my mother who had no idea. Most people have nine months to prepare being a mother, she had a couple of hours. Let alone, I came out as a black baby which was a double shocker. Back in 86 I can't even imagine my mom dating a black guy. But she did. And out came me. Apparently when my mom was all hopped up on meds she tried to tell my grandma and aunt that I was French, not black. Makes me laugh. Anyway, so yes, I was always the different one, grew up in a 98% white neighborhood went to a 95% white school, didn't have a father because he wasn't ready to be one and he split (which at thirteen I had major issues with but at 20 I understand).
People always thought I was adopted, some mexican guy tried to buy me when I was 4 because shit, I was a cute ass kid, and he thought I was a little mexican girl. He first offered to trade his little boy for me but when my mom said no he offered to pay her money. Anyway, I digress. Always been different, how I think, what's important to me, my values all that. My Grandpa is a war vet and my grandma has never had a job in her life. I was always a Grandma's girl. My grandpa is a hard ass and to my cousin's credit he got it worse than I did sometimes because he always got in trouble. We all lived together, I forgot to mention that. Me, my mom, my cousin Rick, my grandparents and off and one of my uncles and my aunt. But Rick could always escape to his Dad's or stay with his mom, especially when we were teenagers. I never had an escape. And I really think my grandfather is the reason Rick and I grew to hate each other. I was jealous he got to escape and I think he was jealous that my mother actually took care of me. We were always more like brother and sister but in high school when I was dealing with all this emotional crap and his life was never a walk in the park we turned the hatred we felt inside towards each other. It god bad, he moved out because we got in a fight and I got him in trouble. And then I was even more mad because he had a place to go. I always wished I could find my dad so I could get away from that house. And I started to have negative feelings towards my mom because she couldn't see the damage that was going on with me emotionally and it was her fault we lived there.
I never suffered physical abuse. If anyone had ever raised their fist to me, I would have not been in that house, and I don't care what it would have taken. Mine was more emotional. Not extreme, but still there and enough for me to cry over it and have sadness and pain in my heart. And I didn't cry a lot, now I do cause I'm a softy and I'm not the tom boy I was when I was younger. Everything was his way or no way and there was always yelling. Or we couldn't do things. And I grew to be nothing like my mother. Before my sister died I was on that path. Got good grades, obeyed the rules, was the good kid. But after Marki was gone life became more than that. My grades plumetted dramatically the school year after her death. I was getting C's and D's instead of A+ 's and B+. And I'm not saying my grandpa is a racist, but he did use the word "colored's" around me a few times and that was only life 4 years ago. I just got up to go to the bathroom and went upstairs to my room in disbelief. He would always yell at me if I screwed up and he worked at GM and he worked on cars a lot and I HATED doing that everyweekend because he made me feel so little like I was the stupidest person in the world. I didn't know what an allen wrench was, who cares. I hated car work, specially after I started writing because it just took me away from that. I would much rather stay in my room where I could be alone and not being yelled at. And he always belittled what I did. Like writing meant nothing. Even when in school I got A's on all my papers cause I was a good writer. But writing and listening to music and this whole being a fan thing were stupid and I needed to be doing something. Which is what made it even worse when I had found this haven, this escape of writing and talking with people online that even though we had a seperate phone line for the computer I could only be online for two hours. It was retarded. I remembered I hated when my grandpa had to stop working because of his heart and he was home all the time. Made my life so much more worse. My grandma helped me sometimes, the trick would to later be to go on the comptuer while he was taking a nap so he didn't know when I got on. It was so stupid.
And then like I mentioned before me and my cousin had our own hatred going for each other. He used to call me worthless every. single. day. of. my life at some point. And after you're told that you start to believe it and I hated him so much because I thought he was just like my grandpa. I never really let that go until the last two years, even more so after I moved out. I remember standing in the middle of my room sometimes after my grandfather had made me so mad and it took everything not to pack a bag and run away. Well that and cause I had no where to go. I didn't think any of my friend's families would really understand, and I didn't want to hurt my mom. I've never asked to find my Dad even though I've wanted to because I don't want to hurt my mom.
I wrote stories because I wanted to escape the hell that was my reality. The pain. That's why when I started writing there was always such drama and such angry fights which Heather can attest to. I couldn't ever say anything to my family, I still can't, so I wrote myself as a character in stories with the guys and used those fights to atleast get some of the anger out of me. In the earlier drafts of "The Story" I can remember just laying in to Justin (which, I just want to say, I was always a JC girl but I got tired of writing me with JC all the time so we started this story where I was with Justin. It wasn't supposed to last, but somehow it's the longest, most neverending story). I remember Heather saying that she never wanted to write fights with me because no matter what I made the other person appear to be the worst person on earth and the biggest asshole. I always kinda laughed about it and said that I could be the biggest bitch anyone had ever met, like it was a gift. It was really cause I had so much anger and hurt inside.
So then I had Heather, Raina, and Katie as my three best friends, Raina I had never met in person cause she lived in New Jersey, Heather, after a year of talking online we met each other (she lives pretty much on the border of the UP and Wisconsin and I live in the LP of Michigan), and Katie I went to school with. I know why I was friends with all of them, we all wanted to have an escape for our home life and reality. For some of it maybe it was from more serious things and for others it might have just been divorced parents who always fought. I remember when Raina "left" and I was so mad. And I was horrible to her. I couldn't believe she was just going to leave me. It was very selfish of me. I thought she was abandoning me and I was horrible, no ones ever been as mean to me (besides my gpa and cousin) as I was to her. Specially since I was supposively her best friend. A year later or something she was online and we talked a little bit. But I was still hurt, there was a lot of hurt on both parts and Raina had never had the easy life. We talked sparodically for the past few years. I think the last time I talked to her was in January and before that I told her all about challenge. She's engaged. I promised her if she told me when the wedding was I would be there.
Heather and me by all mean have beat the odds. First of all, we met on the internet seven years ago. I remember one day she said something to the effect that we wouldn't be friends after she graduated and how it hurt so much. And well, we are still best friends so that's good :). Heather will always be my best friend no matter where I am or how long it's been since we've talked. We understand each other and I think she tells me things I need to hear and I tell her things she needs to hear. We're both kinda that "I dont' give a damn" kind of attitude sometimes. We know what we want for the most part and we do what we want. And anyone who has put up with me for that long specially when we've written the same story 8 times? Well she deserves an award. We've had our differences but I know that she means too much to me to let anything get in the way of our friendship. Even a stupid German boy ;). And I got to go to my first *NSYNC concert with her, I got to fricken interact with 4/5 of them with her. I was there when she got to meet Lance. I was never more happy for someone at that moment, besides when I went to see her senior solo which she OWNED. And made me cry, but whatever. We clutched each other at Challenge when five microphones were on the court and cursed Melinda up and down for being the bitch she is. I got to meet my idol and have him call us "Divas!" like that jason guy did on making the band lol. No one dances to *NSYNC in the car like me and Heather and no one can laugh with me over the stupidest things ("I'm a Macy's thanksgiving day parade balloon). She has been my one true friend throughout life and I can't wait for her to have the life she's always dreamed of.
Katie and me... are no longer best friends. We're friends, but she pretty much chose her boyfriend over everyone and as much as how it is now hurts I know that still being best friends and having to deal with her boyfriend would hurt more. But I really thought me and Katie would be those lifelong friends. Move out together and live together and all that junk. Katie was like my saving grace because Heather is 8 hours away and with Katie I still had someone who understood all that *NSYNC crap. And Joshtin stories oddly enough. She always just let me be me and I've always loved that. I could never not talk to Katie about something. Religion, boybands, life, everything was fair game and ok. I really miss that. And her dad and stepmom always treated me like another daughter and that was a good feeling. I had a home away from home pretty much. Katie and me started a story that no one will ever read because I might burn it to save ourselves lol. It lasted for... 3 years? We took a year off because it got so ridiculous and when we came back to it it got even more crazy. We wrote that story all the time. This is when that Mrs. Chasez-Timberlake thing comes in lol. Wait, actually it was Mrs. Marissa Wright-Kirkpatrick-Chasez-Timberlake. And then Chasez again, and then Timberlake, and then Chasez twice, and then Timberlake. lol. I think the guys read it somehow because there's things in there that happened that ended up happening in real life and its scary funny. Days of Our Lives should have hired us as writers. The funny thing about me and Katie is that we were best friends, but we didn't really hang out with the same groups of people. We did for a little while, but as high school went on not so much In my high school everyone was more or less friends but Katie had Amanda and a few other people and I had Dan and that group. We used to think we were going to move to Florida after high school. She would become a lawyer/paralegal and I would be in the music business. I wish that had happened. I really wish we could go to a Tony concert together or that me, her, and Heather could hang out and be stupid again. For just one more time even. I used to refer to her as my ex best friend because it really had all the makings of a breakup, but I stopped because I still love her as a friend. We've been talking more (through the internet and txts) and that's better than nothing. Because we each have someone who understands, and when I get upset(?) upset isn't the right word. When I get all down and feel lonely because Dan and Lyndsee don't understand I can talk to Katie which is a relief. And all the history is still there, but it's kind of like she lives in a different state. I hope I get to see her before I go to Florida and I'm sure I will. I kind of have this loyalty to Heather and Katie. I wouldn't be anywhere close to who I am now if it wasn't for them. And it may not be like four years ago, but still I know that when it comes to people I can be me with and who understand me those two are it. And by loyalty I kind of think of it as if I were to get married tomorrow, or even a year from now they would be my maids of honor.
This thing wasn't supposed to be this long. It was just supposed to be me venting about the fandom! lol. Kind of wandered off on things that had to do with the boys but not the boys directly themselves. But I guess I was just trying to say all those paragraphs before that some of my best memories in my life have involved those guys in some way. No one makes me laugh like them and no one makes me cry like them. Whenever I'm having a bad day I can watch Making the Video for POP and laugh my ass off till there are tears in my eyes. The bond and chemistry those five had was unbelievable. Who knows what it's like right now, there's things we'll never know, but I always be indebted to them for getting me through the hardest time in my life and really giving me life. They've opened so many doors for me. Me working at the Intersection is a step towards the dream I wouldn't have because of them. And they lead me to some amazing people that have been in my life.
I think the first place at Disney I'm going to go to is Pleasure Island. I'm sure I'll just stand there and have their demo tape play through my head. I will definitely go there on Oct 22nd. Some days I can't believe I've been a fan for 8 years and that it's been 4 years since the hiatus. I've supported each of them in all their solo endeavors, even if I really didn't want Lance to go to space and I had issues about Justin going solo.
I don't care what anyone says, those five guys will always be my little sisters gift to me. I was listening to them at that moment for a very specific reason. Katie and Heather were part of that reason, everything was part of that reason. When I thank God for all the blessings he has given me in life those are some of the first things I always thank him for and pray for.
And it's important to say me and my mom get along much better now that we live in apartment and don't live with my grandparents anymore. I understand that she was like me a lot of the times and she just kept everything inside and never said a word. We still disagree on things because I'm her 20 y/o daugther and that's what children and parents do. But really, my mom has been pretty supportive of all this *NSYNC stuff. Specially monetarily wise. Sometimes she'll still ask questions, specially now when I talk about Tony all the time, but for the most part she's a fan too. She was kind of forced to be. She bought JC's solo cd and loves it ( I don't even own Justin's (don't ask) so she never had a chance to steal it and listen to it), she, even though we've never talked about it because hello, semi embarrassing, she's read Joshtin stuff. I think she even read that babysync story that was like forever long on the closet that I didn't even read. At the time it made me really mad, but now I'm like eh, that's pretty cool actually. A little scary, but ok. I'm pretty sure she's read parts of Watch The Wind Blow By because I had quotes from it on my wall and that's where me and Katie got the john deere stuff from.
Oh! And she totally had a fan reaction when at work (they all know me and that I'm a fan) they were talking about Lance and my mom's like, "Well, DUH. I've known about that for a long time." and they were like how and she's like cause Marissa's known for a long time. And again they were like how? he just came out? And she's like, she's just known so I've known.
And in case anyone reads this and wants to know, me and Justin don't really actually fight in the story anymore. I know you all were dying to know. I use the analogy that we kind of went from Allie and Noah from the Notebook the Movie to Allie and Noah to the Notebook the book. Two totally different things really.
Anyway, that's my life. Really it's my life. I told you about it all mostly. The important stuff anyway that a lot don't know. And I love how I'm typing this like I'm writing to someone but I'm really the only one who is ever going to read this.
I feel very clensed. This has taken like three hours to write but I feel refreshed and happy. :)
And if I'm going to say something about the fandom over here I think it is LAME that because Lance came out people are backing out on things. Lame. As Chris said when he mentioned his friends calling him and asking about Lance, "You've met Lance, you've seen Lance, come on."
The girl on the radio show Chris was on kept annoying me a lot. She kept butting in and saying "the industry blah blah". Um, I think Chris knows way more about "the industry" and "fans" than you do. I'm actually 100% sure he does. She brought up how fans are in denial and mentioned how many of them probably wrote Mrs. Kirkpatrick or Mrs. Bass and how they're sad it will never happen.
And it really kind of bugged me the other morning when I was listening to it. I most certainly wrote Mrs. Timberlake, Mrs. Chasez, Mrs. Kirkpatrick, Mrs. Bass, Mrs. Fatone, Marissa Timberlake, Marissa Chasez, Marissa Kirkpatrick, Marissa Bass, and Marissa Fatone on a piece of paper at some point in my life (still use one of them because I write fan fic). I've even written Mrs. Marissa Timberlake-Chasez/ Mrs. Marissa Chasez-Timberlake (totally for a soap opera story)good times Katie) . Who cares, does that mean I don't respect the music those guys put out, the blood and sweat they put into everything? No. I was tween, that's what you do, and no matter what year it is 1998, 2007, 2020, 3105, young girls will always have a crush on some guy (or girl) and have little fantasies that they're going to get married. Because it's fun to dream it's fun to have those little day dreams. Do any of us actually think we're going to marry them? No. Well, maybe 2% do, I do know a girl who had 'Jenny Carter' engraved on her high school class ring. I guess it just bugged me because fans get a bad rap a lot of the time to people and usually it's a small group representing what they think. Not all fans of Chris Kirkpatrick or whoever are going to spontaneously combust with joy upon being ten feet away from him and go bazerk.
I guess it just bugged me because I'm like B you don't know me, you don't know my story, you don't know why I'm a fan. Yeah I may have a lot of their merchandise "" and I may listen to their music all the time but don't lump me in with those over obsessed fans that scare ALL of us. I stood right next to Chris who was drunk and a little hopped up on cough syrup and I was fine. Made polite conversation in the elevator, but I didn't jump him and he was pretty much pressed up against me. I didn't touch him inappropriatly, I didn't scream "oH mY GoD dO yOu LYKE kNoW WHo yOu ArE?!?! I LURVE YOU!!!" I asked him how he was doing and he didn't have much of a voice but he was polite and it made my whole world. Sure it's not how I always mapped up in my head the first time I would actualy get to meet any of them, but I still did. I got to meet someone that I had admired and followed his career for 8 years. The guy that actually drew me in to this group.
The truth is I think my life is pretty valuable, and if it wasn't for them I'm sure I wouldn't still be here. Which is why I supported them and still do. Why I buy the merch, why I spend all the money. If I hadn't of been happening to listen to the radio one night, if I had went to bed early, well, everything would be much different. I probably still would have become a fan, but who really knows. But I was awake that night and I was listening to this high pitch voice coming from my stereo singing "Lion Sleeps Tonight" and for the first time all week I had smiled and I had laughed. Those guys were really entertaining. And in the middle of it all, my world came crashing down when the phone rings. When you're 12, if a phone rings at one, two o clock in the morning it's never good news. My little sister had died just then and my world was spinning out of control. I grabbed onto those guys who had made me smile and laugh. I didn't really come out of my room much that summer or the next one, only when my family made me because I think they kind of just expected me to be ok with everything. I would come downstairs after my grandpa left for work around lunch time, grab a roll or some bread, maybe an apple or something and go back upstairs. For the rest of the day. Didn't eat breakfast, barely ate something you could call a lunch, didn't eat dinner. I wasn't starving myself and I didn't binge or anything, I just wasn't ever hungry. I was still too hurt and dealing emotionally with too many things (But years later me and my psych teacher would talk about how this behavior showed signs of anorexia and depression). On rare occasions I would come down and watch tv for like an hour. I was depressed and it didn't seem like anyone in my family realized this even with my behavior so I let this musical group help me get out of it.
The second summer I had stayed in my room all the time, from the past year *NSYNC's fame had grown quite a bit (it was now 99) and I had met some friends who liked them so I actually had people to talk to about them. Still for the most part I stayed in my room that summer unless my friends called me and wanted to hang out. And I began writing. My teachers had always told me they knew I was going to be a writer when I grew up. When I was in elementary school we had to write stories in these little white books. Mine always took two to fill up and one time I ditched it all together and had my mom help me type it on the computer. But I always got little writing achievements, so I thought if they think I'm good at it maybe writing will be something I can do in my freetime.
So that summer in 99 I started writing this story that had me and my best friends at the time in it and it had *NSYNC in it. I had dated Chris back in the day but was now dating JC, and Sammie was dating Joey. And then JC cheated on me with his ex (who was originally named Misty or something but Katie wanted to be in the story so I made it her) and then I started dating Jeff Timmons from 98 Degrees. Sam thinks she's pregnant and that storyline ensues (we're like 13 btw lol) and I don't remember what happens cause I packed this story away cause no one ever needs to read it and how horrible it is. I think JC gets in a car accident and I see him for the first time in years and I tell him I'm engaged and I'm getting married in a few days and blah blah. I don't really know, It was over 600 pages though so I'm sure something happened after that.
And then I found this person that wrote NSYNC fiction and to this day it is some of the best *NSYNC related fiction I have ever read. No, not Fiction Lyn, ew. Her name was Beth aka Hellbent and she ran this *NSYNC site that I want to say was called the playground? Maybe that was the message board. Anyway, I read her stuff and was like wow, people actually really write things involving them and it's GOOD. And months after I started reading I saw she had a message board and I went on that and met a handful of people, including my soon to be two best friends. Then we all started having little writing things together and we were going to form this girl group called Ineritia. Which I always thought was "in your eat ah" not "in yerr cha". We all knew it wouldn't happen but it was just fun to have that. And we had little writing stories which actually the story that seadoochick and I still write, started there. It's not so much the same story anymore it's had change after change after change mostly due to the fact of me not liking things later and growing up. But yeah, I still have the FIRST draft of "THE Story" as we call it.
But then I still had this other emotionally damaging thing called my Grandpa and my cousin. I'm the different one in my family, always have been and always will. My mom is the oldest of four and she was the good kid, the Valedvictorian the responsible one, etc. Well... she started having really bad back pains and stuff one day to the point where she was crying so my aunt and grandma brought her into the ER and the doctor told her she was in labor. I would have loved to be there to see this moment. I just imagine peoples chins literally hitting the floor and eyes really bugging out. This was the most shock to my mother who had no idea. Most people have nine months to prepare being a mother, she had a couple of hours. Let alone, I came out as a black baby which was a double shocker. Back in 86 I can't even imagine my mom dating a black guy. But she did. And out came me. Apparently when my mom was all hopped up on meds she tried to tell my grandma and aunt that I was French, not black. Makes me laugh. Anyway, so yes, I was always the different one, grew up in a 98% white neighborhood went to a 95% white school, didn't have a father because he wasn't ready to be one and he split (which at thirteen I had major issues with but at 20 I understand).
People always thought I was adopted, some mexican guy tried to buy me when I was 4 because shit, I was a cute ass kid, and he thought I was a little mexican girl. He first offered to trade his little boy for me but when my mom said no he offered to pay her money. Anyway, I digress. Always been different, how I think, what's important to me, my values all that. My Grandpa is a war vet and my grandma has never had a job in her life. I was always a Grandma's girl. My grandpa is a hard ass and to my cousin's credit he got it worse than I did sometimes because he always got in trouble. We all lived together, I forgot to mention that. Me, my mom, my cousin Rick, my grandparents and off and one of my uncles and my aunt. But Rick could always escape to his Dad's or stay with his mom, especially when we were teenagers. I never had an escape. And I really think my grandfather is the reason Rick and I grew to hate each other. I was jealous he got to escape and I think he was jealous that my mother actually took care of me. We were always more like brother and sister but in high school when I was dealing with all this emotional crap and his life was never a walk in the park we turned the hatred we felt inside towards each other. It god bad, he moved out because we got in a fight and I got him in trouble. And then I was even more mad because he had a place to go. I always wished I could find my dad so I could get away from that house. And I started to have negative feelings towards my mom because she couldn't see the damage that was going on with me emotionally and it was her fault we lived there.
I never suffered physical abuse. If anyone had ever raised their fist to me, I would have not been in that house, and I don't care what it would have taken. Mine was more emotional. Not extreme, but still there and enough for me to cry over it and have sadness and pain in my heart. And I didn't cry a lot, now I do cause I'm a softy and I'm not the tom boy I was when I was younger. Everything was his way or no way and there was always yelling. Or we couldn't do things. And I grew to be nothing like my mother. Before my sister died I was on that path. Got good grades, obeyed the rules, was the good kid. But after Marki was gone life became more than that. My grades plumetted dramatically the school year after her death. I was getting C's and D's instead of A+ 's and B+. And I'm not saying my grandpa is a racist, but he did use the word "colored's" around me a few times and that was only life 4 years ago. I just got up to go to the bathroom and went upstairs to my room in disbelief. He would always yell at me if I screwed up and he worked at GM and he worked on cars a lot and I HATED doing that everyweekend because he made me feel so little like I was the stupidest person in the world. I didn't know what an allen wrench was, who cares. I hated car work, specially after I started writing because it just took me away from that. I would much rather stay in my room where I could be alone and not being yelled at. And he always belittled what I did. Like writing meant nothing. Even when in school I got A's on all my papers cause I was a good writer. But writing and listening to music and this whole being a fan thing were stupid and I needed to be doing something. Which is what made it even worse when I had found this haven, this escape of writing and talking with people online that even though we had a seperate phone line for the computer I could only be online for two hours. It was retarded. I remembered I hated when my grandpa had to stop working because of his heart and he was home all the time. Made my life so much more worse. My grandma helped me sometimes, the trick would to later be to go on the comptuer while he was taking a nap so he didn't know when I got on. It was so stupid.
And then like I mentioned before me and my cousin had our own hatred going for each other. He used to call me worthless every. single. day. of. my life at some point. And after you're told that you start to believe it and I hated him so much because I thought he was just like my grandpa. I never really let that go until the last two years, even more so after I moved out. I remember standing in the middle of my room sometimes after my grandfather had made me so mad and it took everything not to pack a bag and run away. Well that and cause I had no where to go. I didn't think any of my friend's families would really understand, and I didn't want to hurt my mom. I've never asked to find my Dad even though I've wanted to because I don't want to hurt my mom.
I wrote stories because I wanted to escape the hell that was my reality. The pain. That's why when I started writing there was always such drama and such angry fights which Heather can attest to. I couldn't ever say anything to my family, I still can't, so I wrote myself as a character in stories with the guys and used those fights to atleast get some of the anger out of me. In the earlier drafts of "The Story" I can remember just laying in to Justin (which, I just want to say, I was always a JC girl but I got tired of writing me with JC all the time so we started this story where I was with Justin. It wasn't supposed to last, but somehow it's the longest, most neverending story). I remember Heather saying that she never wanted to write fights with me because no matter what I made the other person appear to be the worst person on earth and the biggest asshole. I always kinda laughed about it and said that I could be the biggest bitch anyone had ever met, like it was a gift. It was really cause I had so much anger and hurt inside.
So then I had Heather, Raina, and Katie as my three best friends, Raina I had never met in person cause she lived in New Jersey, Heather, after a year of talking online we met each other (she lives pretty much on the border of the UP and Wisconsin and I live in the LP of Michigan), and Katie I went to school with. I know why I was friends with all of them, we all wanted to have an escape for our home life and reality. For some of it maybe it was from more serious things and for others it might have just been divorced parents who always fought. I remember when Raina "left" and I was so mad. And I was horrible to her. I couldn't believe she was just going to leave me. It was very selfish of me. I thought she was abandoning me and I was horrible, no ones ever been as mean to me (besides my gpa and cousin) as I was to her. Specially since I was supposively her best friend. A year later or something she was online and we talked a little bit. But I was still hurt, there was a lot of hurt on both parts and Raina had never had the easy life. We talked sparodically for the past few years. I think the last time I talked to her was in January and before that I told her all about challenge. She's engaged. I promised her if she told me when the wedding was I would be there.
Heather and me by all mean have beat the odds. First of all, we met on the internet seven years ago. I remember one day she said something to the effect that we wouldn't be friends after she graduated and how it hurt so much. And well, we are still best friends so that's good :). Heather will always be my best friend no matter where I am or how long it's been since we've talked. We understand each other and I think she tells me things I need to hear and I tell her things she needs to hear. We're both kinda that "I dont' give a damn" kind of attitude sometimes. We know what we want for the most part and we do what we want. And anyone who has put up with me for that long specially when we've written the same story 8 times? Well she deserves an award. We've had our differences but I know that she means too much to me to let anything get in the way of our friendship. Even a stupid German boy ;). And I got to go to my first *NSYNC concert with her, I got to fricken interact with 4/5 of them with her. I was there when she got to meet Lance. I was never more happy for someone at that moment, besides when I went to see her senior solo which she OWNED. And made me cry, but whatever. We clutched each other at Challenge when five microphones were on the court and cursed Melinda up and down for being the bitch she is. I got to meet my idol and have him call us "Divas!" like that jason guy did on making the band lol. No one dances to *NSYNC in the car like me and Heather and no one can laugh with me over the stupidest things ("I'm a Macy's thanksgiving day parade balloon). She has been my one true friend throughout life and I can't wait for her to have the life she's always dreamed of.
Katie and me... are no longer best friends. We're friends, but she pretty much chose her boyfriend over everyone and as much as how it is now hurts I know that still being best friends and having to deal with her boyfriend would hurt more. But I really thought me and Katie would be those lifelong friends. Move out together and live together and all that junk. Katie was like my saving grace because Heather is 8 hours away and with Katie I still had someone who understood all that *NSYNC crap. And Joshtin stories oddly enough. She always just let me be me and I've always loved that. I could never not talk to Katie about something. Religion, boybands, life, everything was fair game and ok. I really miss that. And her dad and stepmom always treated me like another daughter and that was a good feeling. I had a home away from home pretty much. Katie and me started a story that no one will ever read because I might burn it to save ourselves lol. It lasted for... 3 years? We took a year off because it got so ridiculous and when we came back to it it got even more crazy. We wrote that story all the time. This is when that Mrs. Chasez-Timberlake thing comes in lol. Wait, actually it was Mrs. Marissa Wright-Kirkpatrick-Chasez-Timberlake. And then Chasez again, and then Timberlake, and then Chasez twice, and then Timberlake. lol. I think the guys read it somehow because there's things in there that happened that ended up happening in real life and its scary funny. Days of Our Lives should have hired us as writers. The funny thing about me and Katie is that we were best friends, but we didn't really hang out with the same groups of people. We did for a little while, but as high school went on not so much In my high school everyone was more or less friends but Katie had Amanda and a few other people and I had Dan and that group. We used to think we were going to move to Florida after high school. She would become a lawyer/paralegal and I would be in the music business. I wish that had happened. I really wish we could go to a Tony concert together or that me, her, and Heather could hang out and be stupid again. For just one more time even. I used to refer to her as my ex best friend because it really had all the makings of a breakup, but I stopped because I still love her as a friend. We've been talking more (through the internet and txts) and that's better than nothing. Because we each have someone who understands, and when I get upset(?) upset isn't the right word. When I get all down and feel lonely because Dan and Lyndsee don't understand I can talk to Katie which is a relief. And all the history is still there, but it's kind of like she lives in a different state. I hope I get to see her before I go to Florida and I'm sure I will. I kind of have this loyalty to Heather and Katie. I wouldn't be anywhere close to who I am now if it wasn't for them. And it may not be like four years ago, but still I know that when it comes to people I can be me with and who understand me those two are it. And by loyalty I kind of think of it as if I were to get married tomorrow, or even a year from now they would be my maids of honor.
This thing wasn't supposed to be this long. It was just supposed to be me venting about the fandom! lol. Kind of wandered off on things that had to do with the boys but not the boys directly themselves. But I guess I was just trying to say all those paragraphs before that some of my best memories in my life have involved those guys in some way. No one makes me laugh like them and no one makes me cry like them. Whenever I'm having a bad day I can watch Making the Video for POP and laugh my ass off till there are tears in my eyes. The bond and chemistry those five had was unbelievable. Who knows what it's like right now, there's things we'll never know, but I always be indebted to them for getting me through the hardest time in my life and really giving me life. They've opened so many doors for me. Me working at the Intersection is a step towards the dream I wouldn't have because of them. And they lead me to some amazing people that have been in my life.
I think the first place at Disney I'm going to go to is Pleasure Island. I'm sure I'll just stand there and have their demo tape play through my head. I will definitely go there on Oct 22nd. Some days I can't believe I've been a fan for 8 years and that it's been 4 years since the hiatus. I've supported each of them in all their solo endeavors, even if I really didn't want Lance to go to space and I had issues about Justin going solo.
I don't care what anyone says, those five guys will always be my little sisters gift to me. I was listening to them at that moment for a very specific reason. Katie and Heather were part of that reason, everything was part of that reason. When I thank God for all the blessings he has given me in life those are some of the first things I always thank him for and pray for.
And it's important to say me and my mom get along much better now that we live in apartment and don't live with my grandparents anymore. I understand that she was like me a lot of the times and she just kept everything inside and never said a word. We still disagree on things because I'm her 20 y/o daugther and that's what children and parents do. But really, my mom has been pretty supportive of all this *NSYNC stuff. Specially monetarily wise. Sometimes she'll still ask questions, specially now when I talk about Tony all the time, but for the most part she's a fan too. She was kind of forced to be. She bought JC's solo cd and loves it ( I don't even own Justin's (don't ask) so she never had a chance to steal it and listen to it), she, even though we've never talked about it because hello, semi embarrassing, she's read Joshtin stuff. I think she even read that babysync story that was like forever long on the closet that I didn't even read. At the time it made me really mad, but now I'm like eh, that's pretty cool actually. A little scary, but ok. I'm pretty sure she's read parts of Watch The Wind Blow By because I had quotes from it on my wall and that's where me and Katie got the john deere stuff from.
Oh! And she totally had a fan reaction when at work (they all know me and that I'm a fan) they were talking about Lance and my mom's like, "Well, DUH. I've known about that for a long time." and they were like how and she's like cause Marissa's known for a long time. And again they were like how? he just came out? And she's like, she's just known so I've known.
And in case anyone reads this and wants to know, me and Justin don't really actually fight in the story anymore. I know you all were dying to know. I use the analogy that we kind of went from Allie and Noah from the Notebook the Movie to Allie and Noah to the Notebook the book. Two totally different things really.
Anyway, that's my life. Really it's my life. I told you about it all mostly. The important stuff anyway that a lot don't know. And I love how I'm typing this like I'm writing to someone but I'm really the only one who is ever going to read this.
I feel very clensed. This has taken like three hours to write but I feel refreshed and happy. :)