Hello Old Friend IV
So, the end of the semester has come. At this point, I have one paper and two finals to finish until I am done.
My Current Grades:
Psychopathology : 102.5%
Systems of Counseling and Psychology : 101.2%
Advanced Statistics : 98.7% (I've been slacking it seems :P)
This does not mean I have passed my classes, though.... the one paper is worth 15 percent of my grade, one of the finals is 25 percent of my grade, and the other final is 22.5% of my grade... but I admit I am in a good position going into finals week.
The murmer from my fellow classmates is not as well off but hopeful. I hope everything works out for them... Although it would be a boost to the ego to be the only one left in my cohort, I am not certain there would still be classes for me. There is an insane part of me that wants to go take calculus and chemistry over the next year to apply for an MD/PhD program. Not sure if it is something I want to do for me or my ego... or my paranoid and irrational thought I won't be able to find a job after I graduate.
So, I have talked about wanting to give the relationship thing a try again... Well since my last post, I have had another thought running through my head... what the hell am I thinking?
Here is the best case scenerio....
Find girl in the next month, like girl, friends like girl.... relationship!
Spend next year becoming attached to girl...
Apply to Doctoral programs
Get accepted by Doctoral Progrm
Spend next few months happily in love with the overbearing thought that I am about to leave...
Say goodbye to girl and be very sad at the start of my doctoral program
This does not seem like an ideal situation to me. Sure it is over a year of being in love, but I don't think I have it in me to pursue a long distance relationship with anybody... I couldn't do that to them or me...
It therefore is irrational to consider a relationship at this time. Who knows what would happen during the minimum 3 years I would be possibly on the other side of the country? I know that even if I really liked the girl, there is nothing that will stop me from accomplishing my goal of going for my PhD. Assuming that I don't find a person in my Doctoral program, that means the next time I'd consider a reltionship would be when I am 33... at the earliest... I suppose it fits my current mind set of finding somebody to spend the rest of my life with, though...
I wonder if I should feel bad about this, but I really don't... Seems fine by me. I think I would like to find a girl to be intimate with though... I miss that.
On that note, I've been thinking about the past again, but this time my mind touched on nothing negative... only positive. Flashes of my favorite memories... Some of these memories are my favorite despite them being associated with negative times in my life... Moments friends of mine would ask why I adore them so. Moments of people reminding me how much they love me for me... Moments of ridiculous lapses in judgement, moments of mindless passion, moments I haven't thought about for years... Moments that make me smile and feel like I am flying...
I love those moments... I consider it a bonus to being me that despite what negative events surrounded those moments, I can focus entirely on just the feelings I had in that brief period of time... when time stood still, at least for me. I wonder if they are viewed in a similar light by the people in those moments... I'd ask, but I wonder if that would be silly to do... reopening doors and wounds that are shut for a reason... not for me, though.
Worthy of consideration, though. Probably going to keep them as my own little glimpses of Elysium...
My Current Grades:
Psychopathology : 102.5%
Systems of Counseling and Psychology : 101.2%
Advanced Statistics : 98.7% (I've been slacking it seems :P)
This does not mean I have passed my classes, though.... the one paper is worth 15 percent of my grade, one of the finals is 25 percent of my grade, and the other final is 22.5% of my grade... but I admit I am in a good position going into finals week.
The murmer from my fellow classmates is not as well off but hopeful. I hope everything works out for them... Although it would be a boost to the ego to be the only one left in my cohort, I am not certain there would still be classes for me. There is an insane part of me that wants to go take calculus and chemistry over the next year to apply for an MD/PhD program. Not sure if it is something I want to do for me or my ego... or my paranoid and irrational thought I won't be able to find a job after I graduate.
So, I have talked about wanting to give the relationship thing a try again... Well since my last post, I have had another thought running through my head... what the hell am I thinking?
Here is the best case scenerio....
Find girl in the next month, like girl, friends like girl.... relationship!
Spend next year becoming attached to girl...
Apply to Doctoral programs
Get accepted by Doctoral Progrm
Spend next few months happily in love with the overbearing thought that I am about to leave...
Say goodbye to girl and be very sad at the start of my doctoral program
This does not seem like an ideal situation to me. Sure it is over a year of being in love, but I don't think I have it in me to pursue a long distance relationship with anybody... I couldn't do that to them or me...
It therefore is irrational to consider a relationship at this time. Who knows what would happen during the minimum 3 years I would be possibly on the other side of the country? I know that even if I really liked the girl, there is nothing that will stop me from accomplishing my goal of going for my PhD. Assuming that I don't find a person in my Doctoral program, that means the next time I'd consider a reltionship would be when I am 33... at the earliest... I suppose it fits my current mind set of finding somebody to spend the rest of my life with, though...
I wonder if I should feel bad about this, but I really don't... Seems fine by me. I think I would like to find a girl to be intimate with though... I miss that.
On that note, I've been thinking about the past again, but this time my mind touched on nothing negative... only positive. Flashes of my favorite memories... Some of these memories are my favorite despite them being associated with negative times in my life... Moments friends of mine would ask why I adore them so. Moments of people reminding me how much they love me for me... Moments of ridiculous lapses in judgement, moments of mindless passion, moments I haven't thought about for years... Moments that make me smile and feel like I am flying...
I love those moments... I consider it a bonus to being me that despite what negative events surrounded those moments, I can focus entirely on just the feelings I had in that brief period of time... when time stood still, at least for me. I wonder if they are viewed in a similar light by the people in those moments... I'd ask, but I wonder if that would be silly to do... reopening doors and wounds that are shut for a reason... not for me, though.
Worthy of consideration, though. Probably going to keep them as my own little glimpses of Elysium...