I'm pretty close to losing it.
I sent this to my dad: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Like, hey, I really like this blog, check it out.
I got this in response:
"This is a parent's worst nightmare."
No "j/k LOL," no "haha," nothing. And even if he had said that, it would be that passive aggressive thing like my mom does where she thinks she can get away with saying anything as long as she follows it with "j/k LOL," usually after she's seen me react.
So anyways,I almost lost it. I wrote back "Um, I don't know how to take this."
He hasn't responded. But he had to know that saying that, and not responding to my confusion, is probably the worst possible thing he could have ever said to me. I got the message at school, and I broke down a little bit in the car. I actually screamed, "I can't handle this level of instability anymore." Again, I'm pretty close to losing it. I realized that I've been raised to make my parents happy. And now that they're divorced, they have separate, competing needs, and none of it has anything to do with what I want and/or need. I'm realizing that my ability to be happy rests on my perception of how happy I'm making other people. This shows up in my relationships big time, which is also why it's so hard for me to feel left out or how when I get dumped, I completely fall apart and I can't let go. I don't know how to do what I need to do to be happy without feeling guilty, because it's not necessarily what other people want. It's totally, totally unfair, because it's impossible to do. I can never make my mother happy and be happy myself. I can't make my dad happy and also make my mother happy. It's exhausting and I just don't have the energy for it anymore.
Gonna go back to being a parent's worst nightmare now.
Like, hey, I really like this blog, check it out.
I got this in response:
"This is a parent's worst nightmare."
No "j/k LOL," no "haha," nothing. And even if he had said that, it would be that passive aggressive thing like my mom does where she thinks she can get away with saying anything as long as she follows it with "j/k LOL," usually after she's seen me react.
So anyways,I almost lost it. I wrote back "Um, I don't know how to take this."
He hasn't responded. But he had to know that saying that, and not responding to my confusion, is probably the worst possible thing he could have ever said to me. I got the message at school, and I broke down a little bit in the car. I actually screamed, "I can't handle this level of instability anymore." Again, I'm pretty close to losing it. I realized that I've been raised to make my parents happy. And now that they're divorced, they have separate, competing needs, and none of it has anything to do with what I want and/or need. I'm realizing that my ability to be happy rests on my perception of how happy I'm making other people. This shows up in my relationships big time, which is also why it's so hard for me to feel left out or how when I get dumped, I completely fall apart and I can't let go. I don't know how to do what I need to do to be happy without feeling guilty, because it's not necessarily what other people want. It's totally, totally unfair, because it's impossible to do. I can never make my mother happy and be happy myself. I can't make my dad happy and also make my mother happy. It's exhausting and I just don't have the energy for it anymore.
Gonna go back to being a parent's worst nightmare now.