(no subject)
I cannot sleep again.
This is tougher than I had ever contimplated.
--
I think I made a stupid decision tonight.
I won't bother explaining every boring and painful detail of what went down. BUT..
--
The point is, I have been thinking: if I want to do something, I need to do it regardless of what Glenn is doing because we have been forced to live two different lives, following two different paths. Sure, we want to remain friends, because when you take out the love and other things we had an awesome freindship.
But I need time to heal, and deal with things properly before we hang out all the time. Because I will want to slip back into the way things were, the comfortable natural love we had. We cannot have that anymore. I still love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me too. But this is the road he has chosen and if he doesn't live it, then he will look back in regret wondering what if?
As hard as it is for me to come to terms with, I cannot focus on getting back together with him somewhere down the line. Because neither of us know what the future will bring, I don't know if I can believe in fate or destiny anymore. I think they are just false hopes. To jade your mind from the bigger picture. This world is an ugly place. It throws unexpected and devestating curve balls. You never know where you will end up.
So, I need to find a way to deal with this and move on. I need to detatch myself. I may never stop loving him, there will always be a place for him in my heart. But for now, it's easier if I seclude myself from wanting to be with him, hug him ect. because it is giving me false hope and it's dissapointing because I know he has made the decision not to do those things anymore. In order to be able to do this, unfortunantely it's going to take time. There's no easy way out, I have to deal with the pain and let go of the relationship notion.
I will be nice and friendly, but only when it's necessary so that I don't seem overbearing. I don't want him thinking i'm only speaking to him because I want him to take me back, because it will most likely make him freak and become more distant. I will do the things I want to do and have fun, because that is important to both of us, I know he wants me to be happy. I won't try to organise to chat and hang out too much (especially if i'm not ready), I will let him do that. If he really cares for me and wants to build a friendship then he will call and see how I am, and want to hang out as mates. If not, it will be tragic, but once again I have to deal with the pain.
So finally, if it turns out that he doesn't care and isn't there for me anymore.. I just plain and simple have to completely let him go. As impossible as that sounds right now, it would be the only way to escape the pain.
--
I really hope that things get easier, and that everything works out for the best. Mostly I hope we both end up happy. Stress-free and loving life is what I want for both of us. Maybe that is all I can have, hope. Oh and strength. And will power. And an optimistic outlook.
--
Okay time to meditate, hopefully that will help me sleep. And getting all my thoughts into words helps a lot too I think.
This is tougher than I had ever contimplated.
--
I think I made a stupid decision tonight.
I won't bother explaining every boring and painful detail of what went down. BUT..
--
The point is, I have been thinking: if I want to do something, I need to do it regardless of what Glenn is doing because we have been forced to live two different lives, following two different paths. Sure, we want to remain friends, because when you take out the love and other things we had an awesome freindship.
But I need time to heal, and deal with things properly before we hang out all the time. Because I will want to slip back into the way things were, the comfortable natural love we had. We cannot have that anymore. I still love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me too. But this is the road he has chosen and if he doesn't live it, then he will look back in regret wondering what if?
As hard as it is for me to come to terms with, I cannot focus on getting back together with him somewhere down the line. Because neither of us know what the future will bring, I don't know if I can believe in fate or destiny anymore. I think they are just false hopes. To jade your mind from the bigger picture. This world is an ugly place. It throws unexpected and devestating curve balls. You never know where you will end up.
So, I need to find a way to deal with this and move on. I need to detatch myself. I may never stop loving him, there will always be a place for him in my heart. But for now, it's easier if I seclude myself from wanting to be with him, hug him ect. because it is giving me false hope and it's dissapointing because I know he has made the decision not to do those things anymore. In order to be able to do this, unfortunantely it's going to take time. There's no easy way out, I have to deal with the pain and let go of the relationship notion.
I will be nice and friendly, but only when it's necessary so that I don't seem overbearing. I don't want him thinking i'm only speaking to him because I want him to take me back, because it will most likely make him freak and become more distant. I will do the things I want to do and have fun, because that is important to both of us, I know he wants me to be happy. I won't try to organise to chat and hang out too much (especially if i'm not ready), I will let him do that. If he really cares for me and wants to build a friendship then he will call and see how I am, and want to hang out as mates. If not, it will be tragic, but once again I have to deal with the pain.
So finally, if it turns out that he doesn't care and isn't there for me anymore.. I just plain and simple have to completely let him go. As impossible as that sounds right now, it would be the only way to escape the pain.
--
I really hope that things get easier, and that everything works out for the best. Mostly I hope we both end up happy. Stress-free and loving life is what I want for both of us. Maybe that is all I can have, hope. Oh and strength. And will power. And an optimistic outlook.
--
Okay time to meditate, hopefully that will help me sleep. And getting all my thoughts into words helps a lot too I think.