(no subject)
- exhaust pipe falling out of my car
- everything in the house that was important to me gets stolen
- matt crowel backs into my car
- the next day someone else backs into the other side of my car while it is parked in my driveway
-funeral
-realizing today that i have absolutely no self confidence at all , I'm a shell of my former self and I don't think I'll be able to get that person back anytime soon
I refuse to believe that im this was of my own accord , sure it might be because i've built this emotional self defense where I act childish and not as intelligent as I really am . coming off immature , surrounding myself with stuff I should have grown out of .
At the show last night they talked about moving in together , I may not have shown but nothing has hurt me more in the past months as this , Im so sick of being everyone's little brother , the last to get picked for the team . It hurts more than anything I listed off in the beginning of this entry . I don't feel like i'm anyone's friend , I feel like im everyone's conversational stepping stone , so easily condescended or proved wrong so others can have the high-ground of the conversation . And up until about 15 minutes ago Ii was fine with that , hey why not? everyone wants a little brother .I figured for the most part people wanted to be around me . but it hasn't gotten me anywhere , im a nothing doing nothing with nothing to show for it , every attempt I make to be happy fails miserably because I give a half assed effort , only because I don't believe that I deserve happiness because ive been driven to a point where im fine with mediocrity and ok with being the butt of everyone's joke . I know its in jest and I try as hard as I can to always take it that way , but I cant lately every little quip or joke I take straight to heart . i cant do it anymore , I don't deserve to have to deal with it anymore .
I love my friends , truly. I cherish you and I would love nothing more then to grow old with all of you , to look back on all the amazing times ive had with you all , to raise our kids together or at least cross state lines to visit each other in the future . but I don't want to reach old age a beaten down loser with no pride in himself , I won't
its time to start living for me , I need to ,no ,I deserve to . its time to grow up Spencer . you're almost 21 be a fucking man for once in you're miserable pathetic life . don't be a fucking nothing forever . man the fuck up
- everything in the house that was important to me gets stolen
- matt crowel backs into my car
- the next day someone else backs into the other side of my car while it is parked in my driveway
-funeral
-realizing today that i have absolutely no self confidence at all , I'm a shell of my former self and I don't think I'll be able to get that person back anytime soon
I refuse to believe that im this was of my own accord , sure it might be because i've built this emotional self defense where I act childish and not as intelligent as I really am . coming off immature , surrounding myself with stuff I should have grown out of .
At the show last night they talked about moving in together , I may not have shown but nothing has hurt me more in the past months as this , Im so sick of being everyone's little brother , the last to get picked for the team . It hurts more than anything I listed off in the beginning of this entry . I don't feel like i'm anyone's friend , I feel like im everyone's conversational stepping stone , so easily condescended or proved wrong so others can have the high-ground of the conversation . And up until about 15 minutes ago Ii was fine with that , hey why not? everyone wants a little brother .I figured for the most part people wanted to be around me . but it hasn't gotten me anywhere , im a nothing doing nothing with nothing to show for it , every attempt I make to be happy fails miserably because I give a half assed effort , only because I don't believe that I deserve happiness because ive been driven to a point where im fine with mediocrity and ok with being the butt of everyone's joke . I know its in jest and I try as hard as I can to always take it that way , but I cant lately every little quip or joke I take straight to heart . i cant do it anymore , I don't deserve to have to deal with it anymore .
I love my friends , truly. I cherish you and I would love nothing more then to grow old with all of you , to look back on all the amazing times ive had with you all , to raise our kids together or at least cross state lines to visit each other in the future . but I don't want to reach old age a beaten down loser with no pride in himself , I won't
its time to start living for me , I need to ,no ,I deserve to . its time to grow up Spencer . you're almost 21 be a fucking man for once in you're miserable pathetic life . don't be a fucking nothing forever . man the fuck up