Sweet Valley High #57 Teacher Crush; or To Sir, With Love
Sweet Valley High #57 Teacher Crush; or To Sir, With Love
“I am sick of your foul language, your crude behaviour, and your sluttish manner.” --To Sir, With Love
Okay, this week I go where Sidney Poitier fears to tread. A bunch of class cutting, sanitary napkin burning, East End hoods have nothing on the sweet valley gang. I wrecked my read-the-SVH-books-in-order schedule cause I remember #57 as being so good. To start with: Olivia, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahclunk...excuse me, I fell off my chair. I shouldn't be so mean. Probably every girl in the world has had an inappropriate teacher crush. I know I did (and thank god no one ever found out). It's just...what happened to Olivia, seriously? Remember the early books where she wasn't just defined as Liz's weirdo friend, where she rocked the bohemian look, where she had that boyfriend Roger and that was cool but being with a guy didn't consume her every waking moment. I mean, I gave Olivia so many points for mutually breaking up with Roger a few books back in such a non-Jessica style (no ill timed deaths) and in such a non-Elizabeth style (no multi-book drawn out inner monologues about 'should I be with TheTodd or should I be with Jeffy in the Road' Zzzzzzzz). Olivia and Roger just sat down, and in an adult manner realised this relationship wasn't working out. Cool. (By the way, where is Roger these days? Considering he's blocking Bruce’s way to the Patman fortune, I think he smartly got the hell out of dodge.) Now we have this girl who can't see the forest for the men in trees. Way to hack the arms and legs (and brain) off a pretty workable character, ghostwriter-of-the-week.
“I know what’s bothering you! You fancy him!” --To Sir, With Love
Before long Olivia’s scrawling Stuart Bachman’s name ten feet tall on walls and noting that his maturity’s taken her from crayons to perfume. Her dizzyheadedness over her teacher is enough to bring Caroline out of GossipGirl retirement, as she runs around telling half the country what a geek Olivia is. Thank god Caroline doesn't know Olivia's been driving past the teacher's apartment day and night, and has been calling him religiously just to hear his voice on the answering machine. "Was this what falling in love was supposed to feel like, Olivia wondered." No, this is what soon you'll be slapped with a restraining order feels like, Liv. Well, at least she isn’t writing bad 60s stylin’ pop songs for him. That would just get you sent to the funny farm…or maybe it would get you a Grammy, I don’t know.
“There are certain things a decent woman keeps private, and only a filthy slut would have done this and those who stood by and encouraged her are just as bad.” --To Sir, With Love
Olivia's so filled with the lust and thoughts of the sex and flustered about it all that she needs her mum to tell her how great she is (since no one else will). But I take points off for her mum's speech, because her mum had obviously been watching The Simpsons that day and had gotten her material from that episode--
Mr Burns: I specifically asked no geeks!
Milhouse: My mum thinks I'm cool.
But in that wonderful Sweet Valley way, all tensions are resolved when Olivia (almost) makes a fool of herself at Stuart’s art exhibition, has a cry, gets over it, goes home to a surprise birthday party, and is thrust into the arms of a random cardboard cut-out hottie, Rod, who we'll probably never see in the SV series again.
Yay! All is well with the world. I have the will to live again.
Points of interest:
*Amy is a God! in this book. She gives the verbal smackdown without missing a stride. When Lila suggests Jessica should head a course called 'boys and dating', Amy murmurs that it should be called 'advanced boys and dating.' Well, if the slut fits. Also, Jessica has trouble coming up for a project for her electronics class, and Amy suggests (while looking at Lila) that she should make a electronic device that attaches to clothes and beeps when someone tries to leave the store without paying. Snap! Someone's been eating her wheaties. Amy's dumb quotient is at an all time low.
* Liz is pissed. Enid's been giving out meaningful eye-contact behind her back. Check page 40/41 for the offending incident.
*Jess wants to quit her electronics course because her partner's shorter than her and wears a calculator in his back pocket. And he has the indecency not to check-out her rack. It’s almost enough to make her cry. Yep. Although, just like Jessica Rabbit, maybe Jess isn’t such a bad person, she’s just written that way. “Oh, blame not the bard…” This time I think I will.
*Olivia looks like Julianna Margulies on the cover of the book. Since the book was written in 1989, and ER didn't start until 1994, all I have to say is creeeeepy...
*Olivia mentions that Sweet Valley High reminds her off Noah's Ark. Hmm, two of everything, you say:
Perfect size six's: Jess and Liz
Bitches: Amy and Lila
Riches: Bruce and Lila
Nerds: Enid and Lois
In the closet duo: Tom McKay and Jeffrey
Inept parents: Ned and Alice
Overly attentive males: Mr Collins and Steven
Boob-grabbers: Bruce and (? help me out here)
Boobs: Jess’s leftie and Liz’s rightie
Psychotics who hide it under a pretty exterior: Suzanne and Margo
Cars: 1bruce1 and a lime green Triumph
...I could go on forever.
*At Stuart’s art exhibition, all his friends treat Olivia as though she is a cute, little pet:
“‘She’s adorable. Stuart was so sweet to invite her.’
She makes it sound as though I’m in kindergarten, Olivia fumed…”
I can sympathise. At any notable functions, the guests treat me the same way when they find out I still read SVH.
*And this weeks nomination for the Darwin Award: Lila for choosing to be in the clothing design course where she sewed the darts in backwards (or outside or upside down or something) on her dress and clean cut the hem off, when she could have just bought a million dresses on her daddy's credit card.
And (seriously, you guys) I really liked this book. It is one that had always stuck in my memory. I rate it up there with the first 30 SVH books. Although the Olivia plot was a little dull, I loved the descriptions of the two week courses and everybody else's plots. Plus, best shock ending ever: Liz puts on the lie detector and is asked how she feels about Todd coming back to town. I always wished they added in a bit about how Jeffy in the Road ran away and cried. Oh well.
In the next SVH book, Jess has a crush on the new student, Mike Hunt, and doesn’t understand why people giggle when she brings him up in conversation. “But I really like Mike Hunt,” she uttered, breaking down in tears to the laughter around her.
And now I must toddle off into the foggy London afternoon, humming “If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky in letters, that would soar a thousand feet high, to Sir…”
“I am sick of your foul language, your crude behaviour, and your sluttish manner.” --To Sir, With Love
Okay, this week I go where Sidney Poitier fears to tread. A bunch of class cutting, sanitary napkin burning, East End hoods have nothing on the sweet valley gang. I wrecked my read-the-SVH-books-in-order schedule cause I remember #57 as being so good. To start with: Olivia, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahclunk...excuse me, I fell off my chair. I shouldn't be so mean. Probably every girl in the world has had an inappropriate teacher crush. I know I did (and thank god no one ever found out). It's just...what happened to Olivia, seriously? Remember the early books where she wasn't just defined as Liz's weirdo friend, where she rocked the bohemian look, where she had that boyfriend Roger and that was cool but being with a guy didn't consume her every waking moment. I mean, I gave Olivia so many points for mutually breaking up with Roger a few books back in such a non-Jessica style (no ill timed deaths) and in such a non-Elizabeth style (no multi-book drawn out inner monologues about 'should I be with TheTodd or should I be with Jeffy in the Road' Zzzzzzzz). Olivia and Roger just sat down, and in an adult manner realised this relationship wasn't working out. Cool. (By the way, where is Roger these days? Considering he's blocking Bruce’s way to the Patman fortune, I think he smartly got the hell out of dodge.) Now we have this girl who can't see the forest for the men in trees. Way to hack the arms and legs (and brain) off a pretty workable character, ghostwriter-of-the-week.
“I know what’s bothering you! You fancy him!” --To Sir, With Love
Before long Olivia’s scrawling Stuart Bachman’s name ten feet tall on walls and noting that his maturity’s taken her from crayons to perfume. Her dizzyheadedness over her teacher is enough to bring Caroline out of GossipGirl retirement, as she runs around telling half the country what a geek Olivia is. Thank god Caroline doesn't know Olivia's been driving past the teacher's apartment day and night, and has been calling him religiously just to hear his voice on the answering machine. "Was this what falling in love was supposed to feel like, Olivia wondered." No, this is what soon you'll be slapped with a restraining order feels like, Liv. Well, at least she isn’t writing bad 60s stylin’ pop songs for him. That would just get you sent to the funny farm…or maybe it would get you a Grammy, I don’t know.
“There are certain things a decent woman keeps private, and only a filthy slut would have done this and those who stood by and encouraged her are just as bad.” --To Sir, With Love
Olivia's so filled with the lust and thoughts of the sex and flustered about it all that she needs her mum to tell her how great she is (since no one else will). But I take points off for her mum's speech, because her mum had obviously been watching The Simpsons that day and had gotten her material from that episode--
Mr Burns: I specifically asked no geeks!
Milhouse: My mum thinks I'm cool.
But in that wonderful Sweet Valley way, all tensions are resolved when Olivia (almost) makes a fool of herself at Stuart’s art exhibition, has a cry, gets over it, goes home to a surprise birthday party, and is thrust into the arms of a random cardboard cut-out hottie, Rod, who we'll probably never see in the SV series again.
Yay! All is well with the world. I have the will to live again.
Points of interest:
*Amy is a God! in this book. She gives the verbal smackdown without missing a stride. When Lila suggests Jessica should head a course called 'boys and dating', Amy murmurs that it should be called 'advanced boys and dating.' Well, if the slut fits. Also, Jessica has trouble coming up for a project for her electronics class, and Amy suggests (while looking at Lila) that she should make a electronic device that attaches to clothes and beeps when someone tries to leave the store without paying. Snap! Someone's been eating her wheaties. Amy's dumb quotient is at an all time low.
* Liz is pissed. Enid's been giving out meaningful eye-contact behind her back. Check page 40/41 for the offending incident.
*Jess wants to quit her electronics course because her partner's shorter than her and wears a calculator in his back pocket. And he has the indecency not to check-out her rack. It’s almost enough to make her cry. Yep. Although, just like Jessica Rabbit, maybe Jess isn’t such a bad person, she’s just written that way. “Oh, blame not the bard…” This time I think I will.
*Olivia looks like Julianna Margulies on the cover of the book. Since the book was written in 1989, and ER didn't start until 1994, all I have to say is creeeeepy...
*Olivia mentions that Sweet Valley High reminds her off Noah's Ark. Hmm, two of everything, you say:
Perfect size six's: Jess and Liz
Bitches: Amy and Lila
Riches: Bruce and Lila
Nerds: Enid and Lois
In the closet duo: Tom McKay and Jeffrey
Inept parents: Ned and Alice
Overly attentive males: Mr Collins and Steven
Boob-grabbers: Bruce and (? help me out here)
Boobs: Jess’s leftie and Liz’s rightie
Psychotics who hide it under a pretty exterior: Suzanne and Margo
Cars: 1bruce1 and a lime green Triumph
...I could go on forever.
*At Stuart’s art exhibition, all his friends treat Olivia as though she is a cute, little pet:
“‘She’s adorable. Stuart was so sweet to invite her.’
She makes it sound as though I’m in kindergarten, Olivia fumed…”
I can sympathise. At any notable functions, the guests treat me the same way when they find out I still read SVH.
*And this weeks nomination for the Darwin Award: Lila for choosing to be in the clothing design course where she sewed the darts in backwards (or outside or upside down or something) on her dress and clean cut the hem off, when she could have just bought a million dresses on her daddy's credit card.
And (seriously, you guys) I really liked this book. It is one that had always stuck in my memory. I rate it up there with the first 30 SVH books. Although the Olivia plot was a little dull, I loved the descriptions of the two week courses and everybody else's plots. Plus, best shock ending ever: Liz puts on the lie detector and is asked how she feels about Todd coming back to town. I always wished they added in a bit about how Jeffy in the Road ran away and cried. Oh well.
In the next SVH book, Jess has a crush on the new student, Mike Hunt, and doesn’t understand why people giggle when she brings him up in conversation. “But I really like Mike Hunt,” she uttered, breaking down in tears to the laughter around her.
And now I must toddle off into the foggy London afternoon, humming “If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky in letters, that would soar a thousand feet high, to Sir…”