I Know It Sounds Crazy...

[murderbylovexxx]

I Know its odd, but sometimes i wonder if im in the preliminary stages of going insane. i constantly notice myself playing out my thoughts in my own head, which, by itself, isnt that odd of an habit. But what freightnes me is the fact that, while playing out these thoughts, i have the uncontrollable sense that these thoughts are being not only read, but broadcasted by someone else. And as crazy as it sounds on paper, it makes perfect sense in my head. What if every thought, action, movement, sound, taste, is being brodcasted and studied by someone, or something else. Not to sound as cliche sci-techy as possible, but it really gets me wondering. I've also noticed my heigthened since of paranoia. it seems i cant go into, or out of an area without feeling followed, watched, hunted. Even the most simplest tasks, while can be freightening to many people, can send me into a state of pure panic. Tonight i was driving through the park, in the dark, alone. i'm sure the thought has crossed most of your'e minds of a, scary, feeble minded man in yr backseat, waiting to lunge at you at any second. But when this thought is played in my head to the point that, i will continue to reach back, just to make sure someone is not there, and then after ive assured myself, reach back again, continues to seem like a normal, and completely natural to me. but while searching for the strange, shadowy figure that exists not only in my mind, but probably my back seat, i began to veer off the road, which leads me to stare a the dark apocolyptic trees in utter terror. Those trees, the dark fortress to all unknown, cosntantly plauge my mind with thoughts of utter trepidation. I fear going around corners for whats around the other side, but refuse to go back for fear of the man in the back. which leaves me plunging ahead down the street, only to tremble at the thought of whats ahead. All the while i wonder, "is this really living?". and i cant help but wondering if this is just the warning systems to a chemical imbalance in my system waiting circumvent my already instable mind. i get out of my car, fear grips my knees and i can barely walk to the door, which only surrounds me with darkness of a garage, in which endless figures seem to nest in, taunting me to run through. When i get to my so-called comfort zone(my room), i can not exist with no music. not only because i love the sounds passing through the air waves, but because it dims the silence of someone creeping up on me in my mind. Im scared of the silence that makes all of this seems just like to much, and all the while the thought in my head of my thoughts broadcasting, seemingly entertaining at the recepting ends of all this catastrophic behavior. Which can only lead me to believe that the whole root of my problems is the fear of being alone. I fear the man in my back seat because he represents those who are with me, that im to afraid to get close to only because im unaware of what they could potentianally offer. Maybe the man in the backseat is a sweet-hearted old man who can show me all of lifes answers, yet i backed away, due to the fear of the unknown. The trees clearly(in my mind) represent the fact that theres thousands of people i will come across in my life, just a wide array of vast, endless faces that i will never really meet, and im scared that somewhere, deep in that forest, i wont find what im looking for, because im too afraid to look. The fear around the corner puts that, even though my lonliness can be cured by simply taking a strafing step around a small curved curb, im too afraid, because its different then the path ive choosen so far. And the fear that lies ahead represents the fact that, in fearing whats behind me, and fearing whats besides me, i have nothing left to do but fear whats ahead of me. the fact that i am afraid of the voices in my head only represents that im afraid of myself, and therefore, can not completely and fully be okay with anyone else. All of these thoughts can only sum up to mean one thing. Contrary to modern day pop-culture sayings, like "you need to be happy with yrself, to be happy with someone else". i feel that i need someone else to make me happy for myself, to make me happy for them, which only complicates things. I just got inside from briefly discussing these thoughts (oddly enough in a car) with a girl. And the conclusion i got from it, was, as simply put as i can, that either A.) everyone has a small sense of paranoia in them (which, i cant believe that people are feeling like i am) or B.) im not portraying my thoughts properly and this (so far) million word essay is completely meaningless, because everyone ive said, hasnt really gotten acrossed a point that ive started trying to convey. And i know at least 70% of you are sitting there thinking "i know exactly what he means, i understand his thought process and what hes trying to convery" and the other 30% arent the ones that actually feel like i do, they are just the ones that admit they dont. All in all, to sum it up, this is the insight to the mind going through the procress of going insane. Not just, cant take it anymore 'mental breakdown' insane, but full-on 'bellvue, send me rabbits in the mail, dont feed me coconuts the goverments implated aids in them' insane...or maybe this whole thing was just a search for attention that doesnt seem to surfrace yet. either way, the only thing i understand that i want, is someone.

Nic
xxx

P.S
all in all i still fear silence