im losing it...boy trouble please help!
okay so heres the deal.....while andy was in utah i made the mistake of hanging out with dalton. well i dont know if it was a mistake or if its gonna save my life yet....im a pussy so i dont know if ill figure it out. so heres the story: i hung out with him and now andys home and i havent seen him since. but while im with andy i catch myself thinking about dalton all the time. and i dont think its cause i have real feelings for him cause we probably wouldnt work out, but i think he symbolizes to me freedom. freedom from andy specifically. while andy was gone i missed him but when he got home i felt this sense of loss. like godamn now i cant just do whatever i want now. and were going to look at apartments together today and im scared. ive wanted for the past 5 years for him to be mine and to live with him and have a life with him. but now we fight often and disagree on a lot. he makes me feel like ill never accomplish anything i want to do. like the one day we watched that britney spears crossroads movie and i told him how me and my friends had wanted to road trip to cali some day like that and said well maybe me and you could do that sometime. he said how dumb the idea was and made me feel stupid. i tell him i want to be a doctor and want my own practice and hes like "well thatd be awesome if it ever happened" or he'll say "well you better make a lot of money you owe me". and it makes me feel like things i want dont matter to him. not that they matter to dalton either cause i know im just a piece of ass to him who happens to love his band. but still i feel like dalton is the door to go thru to get rid of andy. i mean ive decided to attend penn state so ill be close to home if me and andy dont work out. but do i really need to move in with him to make the fighting worse? and im too much of a pussy to just break up. i just cant do it. ive tried and everytime i end up calling him and we "work things out" but then things continue to go his way. i have no freedom to do what i want or be with my friends. the other night catherine wanted to drink and i wanted to go but he said ohh no i dont want to cause of treatment and i cant drink. that would be fine except he only follows the no drinking rule when it comes to my friends. ethan just turned 21 and hes all about going to the bar with him. he says "i dont want to hang with your friends theyre all younger than me" but then he wont let me go with them either and i compromise all the time hang with his asshole friends. im not going to enjoy college if im locked in a room with him alone for 4 years. and dalton seems to be the key to this. i know i have friends to hang out with but i need another man to cry to i feel like. some guy who will make andy seem like he's less than perfect. plus im noticing all these flaws in andy now that i never saw before. like before he was fun and carefree and there were no strings attached. now he does things that annoy me besides cancel hanging out. now he lies to me and i care. he gets all over me in public and thats annoying when im trying to talk to someone and hes grabbing my tits like no one can see when really everyone is like what is wrong with that kid? i mean for real! then he complains we dont have sex enough even though we do like every other day (and half the time i dont want to i just do because i want to shut him up and i dont want to hear him bitch and say you never want to have sex anymore) and i think id have the same sex drive i did if i had my breathing room but i dont. im never alone......well i called dalton a few minutes ago and told him id call when i got home tonight. i think everynight on my way home how i want to just go see him and lie to andy and say im in bed. he does it to me. his mom tells me once in awhile that he didnt come home till 5 am and i thought he was there at like 10 the night before. and people tell me he sneaks around with bauder sometimes. and i love him and we have moments where i feel like all i want is him, but then i feel like i want to have fun, im 18 years old and i dont want this shit anymore. am i happy? i dont know....sometimes i am. but mostly i feel confined to the pattern i cant get out of no matter how bad i want to. i guess i want the best of both. i want to keep him around cause i do love him but then i want to have fun and go to parties and have a good time again like i used to. and i know this sounds horrible but then i think if i leave him who will buy me nice surprises now and who will help me pay for things....money shouldnt be a factor but it is....and its also a cause of some stress in our relationship. someone help! i need advice! all my friends say dump him then....if its meant to be youll get back together. and ultimatley thats what i feel i want. i want to go have fun for awhile then call him up and be like hey lets get back together. but what if he replaces me. i dont want to see him with someone else. i wish even that i could still be around him when were not together and just be friends for awhile. or another approach is just being like well im going to hang with my friends call ya later and leave. and honestly i know he wouldnt cheat on me and neither would i so itd be okay. but he wouldnt accept me doing something. hed want me at home while hes out doing whatever the hell he wants. it sucks. i love him but i hate him! i wish i knew what i would do or that i could see 20 years from now and whats gonna happen with him. maybe living together is good though cause we'll have such a huge fight we'll finally break up and i wont even care anymore. thats what i need. i need him and me to break up mutually and i still want to talk sometimes......i dont want to lose him completely but i NEED a change. HELP!!!!!!!!!