INDEFINITE HIATUS
Wow, it's been so long since I was able to post that it's a little disorienting. And this post isn't exactly going to be the best of news, but news it is.
This journal and all of my writings - non-original and university writings aside - are going on an indefinite hiatus. I know I didn't finish a lot of what I started, and haven't begun a lot of what I planned. I hate that, and maybe when things are a little better I can fix that. For now, though, I have to focus on surviving my last year and surviving day by day in general.
I want to do really, really well for my final year at university, and graduate with a bang. Make something of myself. I want to make my parents proud when I succeed and I need to concentrate, start being serious. A lot of things distracted me this year - I got great grades, I made it through, but I still feel like I let too many things get to me. It's not a mistake I plan on making in the future - my university years (and the year before them) have taught me nothing if not how to keep on walking no matter what.
I need to concentrate on writing my own material, need to get ready to try and publish my first novel. I'm still semi-daydreaming at the moment. Wondering if I could become a female Stephen King, if I can write a bestseller. If I'd write under my real name, a name others already know me by, or create YET ANOTHER new persona for myself so that I can keep my privacy close to my chest.
I won't be writing anything anime-related for quite a while - I haven't even watched anime in the longest time. I got temporarily distracted by Lexx and Heroes amidst the distractions of exercise, cooking and reading. I got (and still have) a terrible obsession with Sylar, though even he and the amazing Sylaire pairing hasn't been able to encourage me to take up the fanfiction muse and distract myself from my own material. I haven't indulged in television or movies at all, with the exception of the new Lost in Austen series that has been on every Wednesday. I do have a soft spot for Mr. Darcy, be it Colin Firth or Elliot Cowan.
University and my need to work extra hard isn't my only reason for this. As usual, family plays a huge part in my life. I'll be taking over a lot of my dad's chores as his eyesight gets worse and worse. I'll be working a lot for stupidly little money and trying to survive the credit crunch. We're divided more than ever. Leo married Gemma two weeks ago and it was the closure I needed to finally let that chasm heal - even if it wasn't the closure I'd have hoped for. Guy is still in the country, but he's submerged himself in political activism that borders on insanity at times and he isn't the brother I knew.
My mum gets more and more childlike with every day. I carry on my job of being her unofficial carer, as I have for years, but cracks are showing in my temper because I somehow seem so much closer to it than I used to be. Maybe because I'm learning to understand more, the more I grow. I'm not on speaking terms with my sister anymore, after an argument about her oldest daughter. She didn't even have the guts to talk to me face to face. She spoke through my mum. It's probably a good thing she didn't come to me herself, or I'd have broken her nose for making life harder with her lies. She's pregnant now.
My friends are amazing and I miss them so much. Peas is a constant source of warmth, who listens to me when I slump and offers encouragement. She put my name down for a makeover, which I'll be going to in a few weeks' time. It'll be nice to see what they do to cover up my insomnia-baggies and too-pale skin. Cheese is having her own pains right now, but she's still wonderful. Biscuit keeps trying to arrange for us all to get together, with money being the only thing standing in the way.
Radish. I miss staying with him and I'll hopefully be able to do it a lot when he lives on campus this year. I think he'll be very cross with me...I haven't mentioned this to him yet, because I still don't know (so if you're reading, Rel, please don't say anything to him yet) but I might not be able to join in the festivities at the October Expo - I might not be able to attend at all. I have too many bills to pay - phone, internet, house keeping, car, shopping, text books. He's convinced that I back out of things like this all of the time, but the truth is that I take so much responsibility over the running of things. I always have - it's my way of stopping the world from falling apart. There's always May if I can't make October, and I might not be so ill in May too.
Yeah...the stomach pains I told hope_assassin about are worse than ever, and with them have developed a lot of new symptoms. The pains themselves tend to be in the mid-stomach area, but sometimes go as low as the kidneys. They're so bad I can't always stand straight. I've also been very dizzy, nauseous, and constantly tired during the day to the point of bordering on narcolepsy. Never at night. I've been put on a course of humongous anti-inflammatory pills while they run blood tests and scans, but the estimation so far is hormonal imbalance and something wrong with my womb. I'm a little scared to guess WHAT is wrong with my womb, but I hope it's fixable. This constant pain, day in and day out, is really getting to me.
I hope I can come back to writing again soon - or at the very least, filling in this journal every once in a while. I'm on Facebook sometimes, but not very often. I miss feeling free and healthy and inspired!
Rel - I'm so very sorry I haven't been able to talk much. And I'm really sorry about the Expo news - I can only hope I can turn up for a little while for a glance-around, if for no other reasons than to meet you and keep my self-conscious friend happy. Please don't tell him until I have the chance to figure out what's happening - you know how he can get! I hope everything is going okay with you.
Paper - GOD I've missed you! You seem to be just as busy as me lately. I miss talking to you, and I hope everything's going well with your job and your studies. Are you a Heroes fan, by any chance? Do you also find Sylar irrisistable, or is it just me? I'm feeling kind of alone in that paddock right now =_=
Well, I take my leave and pray that I'll be back at some point, minus all this ridiculous baggage and maybe with a book in the pipeline. I'm very sorry for my absence and my lack of writing or artwork. I'm afraid I must disappear from the face of the earth for a little while longer.