FF: What the Rain Washes Away 12/13 (Criminal Minds) JJ/Emily NC-17
Chapter Eleven
Do you really think you can just put it in a safe
behind a painting lock it up and leave?
Walk away now, and you're gonna start a war.
The plane was silent, three sleepless days and nights taking their toll on everyone. Even Hotch had given in and was snoring softly, something Prentiss noted with mild amusement. JJ was curled up next to her, her jacket laid over her as a blanket, exhaustion lining her face even in sleep. Emily had spent the first hour of the flight next to JJ on the couch, propped up against what few pillows the plane offered and even a couple of the guys' jackets, but she'd never gotten into a comfortable enough position to sleep. She eased herself up now from the couch, careful not to move too much and wake JJ, then headed for the lavatory. She'd just reached the back of the plane when a pocket of turbulence knocked her off balance. She started to grab for the nearest seat, trying to steady herself, only to find Reid immediately at her side, his hands at her waist, keeping her upright with surprising strength.
"Whoa, I got you." The plane settled a moment later, but Reid's hands stayed, as if he was afraid to let her go. Prentiss met his eyes and knew in an instant that was exactly what he was afraid of. "Uh, you okay?" Reid fumbled, belatedly pulling his hands away and shoving them into his pockets.
"I'm fine, thanks. Nice save."
He smiled weakly and sat down, picking his book back up. Emily stepped into the lavatory and locked the door behind her. She used the facilities and washed her hands, staring into the mirror over the sink. In the harsh fluorescent light the bruises on her face looked even worse than they had at the hospital.
She saw in the mirror, too, what Reid had seen - the marks Benjamin Cyrus had left. The beating she'd taken to protect him as much as to protect everyone else at the ranch. She understood his fear, understood the shame and guilt underlying it all; that he hadn't protected her, that he'd somehow been the cause of her pain. She understood it far too well. It had taken her years to finally come to terms with what had happened to Jenny, to realize she was just a tiny part in a much larger picture. To understand that if Jenny had lived, the last thing she'd have wanted Emily to do would be to blame herself.
"This isn't Montana," she whispered. It wasn't Montana... she could give Reid the one thing Jenny had never been able to give her: Absolution.
She walked out of the lavatory, bracing herself against the wall. Reid was still reading his book. In fact, she noticed, he was still roughly on the same place as when he'd picked it up, an oddity for the speed-reading boy-genius.
He barely looked up as she sat down across from him, muttering "hey" before looking back down at his book. Emily reached across the table, pushing the book down to draw his attention, her hand covering his. "Hey... I need you to listen to me." She paused, waiting for him to meet her eyes. "What Cyrus did to me is not your fault." Reid looked away immediately, guilt, shame warring within in him as his reason clung to her words. "It was my decision and I would do it again." He looked back up at her again, still not quite believing her. "Do you hear me," Emily urged.
It was a battle they all waged at one time or another - who could they have saved, what choices could they have made differently. Eventually, you either learned to live with the decisions and the fact you could never undo the past, or you suffered the guilt. It had taken Emily nearly four years and practically a whole new life to finally accept that she couldn't change what had happened to Jenny Scott. She didn't want Reid to suffer even a moment thinking he could have saved her from Cyrus.
He offered the briefest quirk of his lips, a silent understanding that he knew she knew exactly what he'd been thinking. The war that he'd been waging between his rational mind and his irrational feelings. And like most things - once acknowledged, the specter of what could have been during those days as Cyrus hostage started to fade.
"Thank you," she whispered, feeling as much relief for Reid as for herself. She squeezed his hand and he smiled, which made her smile. The final weight lifted, she let go of his hand and sat back. For now, it was enough.
*
Strauss was waiting for them when they walked back into the BAU. She gave Hotch and the others her usual nod. "Agent Reid, Agent Prentiss, welcome back. I've been told you both performed admirably under extremely difficult circumstances."
"Thank you," Reid said evenly.
Strauss turned to Prentiss, coolly assessing the bruises on Emily's face, the split lip. To Prentiss' surprise, Strauss sounded genuinely concerned as she asked, "How are you feeling?"
"Better, ma'am," Emily answered, adding as an afterthought, "Thank you for asking."
"I've spoken to the Director. I want you both to know I'll be submitting official letters of commendation for your files. You did the Bureau proud."
Just because Emily didn't like politics didn't mean she didn't understand them. A letter of commendation was nothing more than that: Politics. It was a good thing Prentiss had never really wanted to be a Director anyway… not that Strauss needed to know that.
"Thank you, ma'am. My mother will be pleased to hear it."
Strauss blanched for the briefest second, recovering quickly. As far as the D.C. hierarchy went a long-term Ambassador ranked a hell of a lot higher than a desk-jockey FBI bureaucrat. Elizabeth Prentiss could do a lot of damage at Emily's bidding - something Strauss had once thought she'd had under her control when she first brought Prentiss to the BAU. She knew better than that now.
"Absolutely. She should know what an asset her daughter is to the country. What an asset both of you are," Strauss added, giving Reid a slight smile. He returned the gesture, barely. "Well, I'll let you check in and go home. I'm sure you're exhausted. Your team is on stand-down for the next week."
Prentiss managed to wait until Strauss walked back out of the bullpen before smirking. Reid turned to her, his head cocked curiously to the side. "I didn't know you had that in you."
"She deserved it."
"Remind me to never really piss you off, okay?"
"Done."
JJ walked up, keys and bag in hand. "Come on, I'm driving you home Emily."
"Oh, no, don't worry about it. I'll get a cab."
"I'm driving you home," JJ insisted.
"You're all the way across town-"
Reid gave Prentiss a look as if she'd suddenly gone stupid. "Let her drive you home Emily."
Seeing there was no way to win - with either of them - and no longer caring to argue, Prentiss gave in with a shrug. She reached over, giving Reid one last hug. "I'll see you in a few days. Remember what I said."
"Eidetic memory," Reid smirked. "No chance really of me forgetting."
If Prentiss had been feeling better she would have slugged him in the arm for his impudence. Instead she merely cuffed the back of his head.
She heard Morgan laughing as she and JJ walked away.
*
The car ride had been quiet, without even the background noise of the radio to cut the silence. Emily hadn't minded the silence. The vicodin was starting to wear off and all she wanted was a hot bath and eight uninterrupted hours of sleep.
"You don't have to stay," she said, her voice breaking the quiet as they pulled up in front of her building.
JJ shut off the engine. "I told the doctor I would."
"He's in Colorado, I don't think he'll find out."
"I told Hotch I was staying," JJ countered. "You want to take the chance on him finding out?"
Emily gave her a look. "That's blackmail."
"Think of it as having a strong bargaining position," the blonde answered cheekily, getting out of the car before Prentiss could argue further.
The apartment was stuffy despite having central heating and air. Emily had always preferred the fresh air from an open window over manufactured air conditioning. She crossed the room and opened up the windows now, letting in the breeze from the Potomac while JJ dropped her bag by the door.
"Don't you need to call home?"
JJ lingered at the edge of the kitchen, the length of the living room giving her plenty of space to answer, "No."
"Oh, did you already talk to Will?" The question was light, a common courtesy. A polite show of interest. Emily wasn't expecting the answer to change her world.
"Will's gone."
"Was it... did he find out?"
"You were right," JJ laughed mirthlessly. "He knew. He always knew."
"Knew what JJ?"
"That I don't love him." The next question was so obvious Prentiss didn't need to ask. JJ knew what came next too, but something still held her back. Something kept her from saying the words she'd wanted to say for so long. "Are you angry with me?"
"Why would I be angry with you?"
Anyone else would have wondered if that was a loaded question. Emily was too good at keeping her tone level, neutral, keeping her face a blank mask. But JJ had always been able to read her and she heard under the firm timbre of the other woman's voice the steel edge. The resolute control she was refusing to let waiver.
She was holding on by a thread and JJ was holding the knife.
"Because I'm angry with myself," JJ admitted, taking a tentative step closer. "When it comes to this… I'm a coward. God, Emily, I can't even say the words. Why is it so hard to say the words?"
"Because it makes it real," Prentiss answered. "It means you can't ignore all those feelings inside you. Can't pretend they mean nothing. Can't pretend they don't exist. You name something, JJ, you give it words. You give it power." Emily took a breath, slowly letting it out. "You give it the power to hurt you. You give me the power to hurt you."
"I'm not afraid of you hurting me," JJ said, fighting tears. Emily had taken another step closer, or maybe JJ had, she couldn't remember, but there she was - within reaching distance of the brunette, and God how she wanted to reach for her. "We kick down doors and chase serial killers. You went to interview some children and got taken hostage… it's not you I worry about Emily. It's everyone else. It's a world full of murderers and rapists that I worry about. If something happens to you… I won't survive."
"You think I would," Emily demanded, taking that one last step. She reached for JJ, that last thread of control frayed to the point of snapping. "It's been killing me, seeing you with someone else," she hissed, her hands possessively cupped around JJ's face, making the other woman look at her, to see the truth in her eyes. "I tried to ignore it. I tried to move on. But it's been ripping me apart for months and the only thing that's kept me going was the tiniest glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, it would all work out someday. Because when I stopped to consider that maybe I'd actually lost you forever it felt like someone was ripping my guts out again and again."
She pulled JJ close, their bodies fitting together just the way they always had, her mouth inches from JJ's as brown eyes locked intently with blue. "I love you, god damn it. And I'm not going anywhere."
Her split lip protested the movement, but Emily ignored it as she leaned in those last precious inches and kissed JJ hard. For as much as she loved the written word, she'd never been very good with poetry or prose, and so she let the kiss speak for her, conveying everything she thought she'd so inadequately explained.
Hope, fear, longing, peace - all of it was there inside her, calling out for the one person who could answer.
JJ reached up, her arms locking around Emily's neck as she deepened the kiss, everything in Emily echoing in her own soul. "I love you, too," she whispered, the words slipping from her as easily as a hot knife through butter. She barely knew the words came from her mouth, barely recognized her own voice. In the space of a breath she waited for the world to end, for the sky to come crashing down, but there was nothing but the feel of Emily in her arms. She said the words again, lingering over the way they fit so easily in her mouth. "I love you, too."
Epilogue