FF: Learning to Fly - Boundaries 2/2 R (SGA)
Warnings, etc. in Part One
*
If Teyla was surprised to see him stalk into the gym at such a late hour, it didn't show on her face. She looked up, ever placid, from her position on the floor stretching, and took in the major's disheveled appearance. His anger was almost tangible.
"What the hell did you tell Elizabeth?" He demanded.
"The truth," Teyla answered calmly, not at all persuaded by his forceful tone, or the look on his face. "It is not my fault if you have a problem with the truth."
"Look, we saved your friend, okay? Why did you have to go and make a federal case out of it?"
Teyla filed 'federal case' away as another Earth-euphemism she needed explained, acknowledging easily enough from John's demeanor that it wasn't a good thing. "Doing the right thing means very little if you do it for the wrong reasons," she responded, getting to her feet.
"What does that even mean? If you do the right thing, you do the right thing! Who cares what the reason is?"
"I care, for one," Teyla answered slowly, her eyes flashing dangerously. "I would rather die fighting the Wraith than live a coward!"
"And I'm sick and tired of people dying for no reason!"
Somehow they had become nose to nose. Finally, it was Teyla who stepped back, breaking the stare and recognizing all too well the fear in John's eyes. "So am I, Major," she said softly.
Something broke inside him, dispelling the haze of rage. Still his body hummed with unspent emotion, making him want to split apart in a hundred different directions. His hands fidgeted at his sides.
"You seem upset," she noted dryly. "Would you like to talk?"
He almost growled, sick and tired of the women in his life picking at the wounds he wanted left well enough alone. "Drop it."
"Perhaps you would like to work this out without words?" Teyla walked over to her bag and tossed a spare set of fighting sticks to him, something dangerous flashing in her eyes.
Automatically, John dropped into an attack position. He charged at her blindly and swung wide, overhead, trying to knock her into the ground with sheer strength. Teyla easily sidestepped him, then swung out as he passed, swatting him firmly on the ass. It was a practiced move, one she had used a hundred times on him, but John yelped and cursed as if she had shot him. "Major? Are you all right?"
"Fine," he gritted out, feeling every second of Elizabeth's spanking all over again. He came at her again. Their sticks were a blur of movement as he attacked, clearly out of control, forcing her to block and parry, almost overwhelmed by the sheer anger urging him on.
They went on like that for several minutes until John attempted to execute a complicated butterfly swing. Teyla stopped his stick, sidestepped, and rapped him twice, once on the back of the thighs, another on the back of the knees, sending him sprawling to the ground with another hiss and curse.
"You are obviously not fine," Teyla panted, her stick pressing dangerously into his Adam's apple as she loomed over him, keeping him in place. "I don't know what you think you have done to deserve this, but it is not me you fight now. In fact, I doubt it ever was." She pulled up, resting her fighting sticks under her arm, refusing to engage him any more.
Groaning, John let his head drop back to the floor with a thud.
Now what the hell was he supposed to do?
*
"You're up late."
Rodney's head jerked up, painfully rapping into the console above his head. She grimaced in sympathy, knowing exactly how he felt. He shot Elizabeth a world-weary look, but accepted the hot cup of coffee she offered anyway. "Yes, well, head injury not withstanding, we have three Wraith ships coming to suck the life out of us and take the city, so sleep isn't exactly a priority right now." Elizabeth ignored his snark, and perched herself on the nearest lab stool, sipping her own coffee. "What are you doing up?"
"You don't have a patent on worrying about this city, Rodney." Or it's inhabitants. One in particular. "What are you working on?" She asked, clearly changing subject.
"This was another piece of equipment discovered in a lab. Its data drive was kept separate from the main city drives. I'm hoping it might have some more information..." Rodney trailed off. "We're never going home, are we?" He asked abruptly, taking her off guard.
"I don't know." Her answer was honest, but hardly comforting. "I hope so."
"Yes, well, you at least have someone at home waiting for you," Rodney mused, referencing her earlier comment about sending a message home.
"Not any more," she sighed.
Rodney blinked. He wasn't good at this... this personal interaction stuff. It made him uncomfortable. Itchy. But it was Elizabeth, so he tried. "Do you, uh, um, want to... uh... talk?"
"Not about that," she said firmly. "I'd just like to sit here and watch you work for a while if that's okay?"
"That's fine, but - and don't misunderstand me, I've always enjoyed your company - but, why?" He asked, clearly confused. There must have been a hundred other things she could be doing besides watching him work, sleep being at the top of that list.
"Because I always know where I stand with you Rodney, and right now, that's a comfort."
"Oh, okay." He clearly didn't have a clue what she was talking about, but he didn't press, as she knew he wouldn't. Instead, he asked for a screwdriver, and launched into a one-sided discussion of the multi-dimensional vacuum energy that fueled ZPMs and how if he just had more time and the proper equipment he could build them as many as they needed.
*
It was late, past 3 a.m. when she finally left the lab and wandered back toward her quarters, hoping for a few hours sleep. When she turned the corner and saw who was waiting for her, she knew that plan had flown out the proverbial window.
"Can we talk?"
Her conversation with Rodney had been a pleasant distraction, his techno-babble somehow managing to soothe her nerves. The sight of John brought all of them back. "I don't think so."
"Elizabeth... please?" she reached past him to activate the door. His hand caught her wrist. "Please?"
Her glare had him drawing away his hand quickly, but she didn't tell him no. He walked into her room first, his eyes unconsciously drifting over to the wall, before turning nervously to face her.
"What do you want John?"
What he wanted to do his pride wouldn't allow. At least not yet. "I wanted to talk about earlier."
"Were you planning on lying to me some more?" John winced. It wasn't just her belt that stung.
"I should have told you."
"That goes without saying. The question is why didn’t you?" Her tone was cold, offering no promise of forgiveness, to absolution.
Fear made him hesitate. Maybe if he'd seen a glimpse of compassion, understanding, he could have attempted to explain, but the dispassionate way she was looking at him made him feel naked and exposed in a way the spanking never reached. He felt utterly and completely alone and knew there was only one thing to do if he even wanted a chance to make that feeling go away.
He swallowed hard, his eyes downcast as they always were when he had to say things to Elizabeth he didn't want to. "I was afraid."
Three simple words, but with them, he felt a dam break inside of him. For not the first time in his life he wished he could express himself better, make his feelings, his intentions known. For all his teasing of McKay, they really weren't that much different. Rodney was just more up front about his lack of personal interaction skills. John kept his deficiencies carefully guarded behind a façade of sarcasm and cooler-than-thou attitude. It had worked out pretty well for him until now. Until he'd met her.
"Afraid of me?"
"Afraid of myself," John admitted. "I'm Major John Sheppard - Ranking military officer of Atlantis, and when I found out about those Wraith ships... I panicked." His face was unguarded, finally, letting her see just how afraid he had been. "All I wanted to do from the moment I stepped onto that planet was to get the intel and get the hell off it as soon as possible."
"But, why? You knew the Wraith were coming there. You knew what was going to happen."
"They never would have come to that planet, they wouldn't be coming here, if it wasn't for me," he hissed, starting to pace. "It was my screw up that started all this! Every we time we step off-world, every time another person dies, another planet gets culled, I feel like it's my fault. Imagine having to re-live the worst mistake of your life over and over again?" He stopped, broken, and finally looked at her. "When Teyla volunteered to wait and take Orin and his family, I panicked, cause all I wanted was to get as far away from the Wraith as I could, and get back here, away from the culling, away from what I'd started..." he trailed off, but Elizabeth thought she heard him finish softly, "get back to you."
She took a step forward, then another, and then her hands were cupping his face, holding him firmly so that he couldn't look anywhere but in her eyes. "You know, you're always so laid back, so cool, I forget sometimes you think you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don't you know that's my job?" Her tone sounded light, almost teasing, but he could see in her eyes she wasn't.
"I want you to remember two things, the next time you start to think this is all your fault. Number one: you may be the ranking military officer, but you wouldn't have even stepped through that gate to rescue Colonel Sumner and the others if I hadn't authorized the mission. It was my call John, not yours. If this is anyone's responsibility, it's mine."
He started to protest but she stopped him with a look. "Mine," she repeated firmly. "And number two: the Wraith would have woken up eventually; it was only a matter of time. It just so happens that now we have to deal with them instead of our grandchildren."
She pulled him tightly to her then, almost crushing him with the fierceness in her hug, before pulling away and fixing him with another stern glare. "I swear to god, you ever lie to me again, or keep something from me, and you won't be able to sit down for a month. Do you understand?" John nodded solemnly, his ass still burning. Elizabeth hugged him again.
"It's okay to admit you're human," she whispered into his neck. "No one here will think less of you. I won't think any less of you." He squeezed back tightly, burying his face in her hair. "I know, I know... easier said than done," she murmured, thinking of her recent encounter with her alternate self. She pulled back, looking him in the eye. "Would you like to stay tonight?"
"Do you want me to?"
Elizabeth sighed wearily. "You know, eventually I am going to break you of this habit of answering every question I ask with a question of your own. Now, let's try this again. Would you like to stay tonight?"
His answer was immediate. "Yes."
"Come here," she ordered softly, tugging at his hands until he followed her over to the bed. They didn't speak as she undressed him, pulling off each piece of clothing until he was naked. She looked him over, memorizing every inch, before turning to examine his backside, noting absently the new bruises that hadn't been there the last time she'd seen him. He'd obviously worked off quite a bit of energy going fifteen rounds with Teyla.
Welts puffed up red and angry across his ass and thighs, painful reminders of his earlier disobedience. Her fingers trailed across them, making John hiss. A moment late, she was on her knees behind him, pressing soft open mouthed kisses against his abused skin, soothing the irritated skin with her tongue.
John let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, relaxing into her embrace, feeling all the uncertainty, the pain of their earlier argument melt away. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, blinking away the sudden wetness there. She stood once more, gently pushing him into bed. A moment later and she was sliding into bed beside him, her clothing in a pile beside his on the floor, the light off, leaving only the glow from the city lights to illuminate the room. He turned into her body, his head fitting easily into the crook of her neck. It was the closest she'd let him get so far. He breathed her in deeply, memorizing the scent. His hands trailed lightly over her arms and side, but nowhere else.
"I'm sorry." He snuggled in closer and sighed. "I seem to be saying that a lot lately," he added ruefully.
"We're still figuring this out... and it's not like there is a rule book for this. It's okay to screw up John. It's okay to be frightened. You need to trust me enough to know I won't ever use that against you."
"I'm starting to get that."
"You don't always have to be strong," she whispered against his hair, pulling him closer.
"Pot meet kettle," he teased lightly.
"Yes, I know," she grinned. "Did you and Teyla make up?"
"Well, she kicked my ass all over the gym, if that's what you mean."
"So I noticed. Either you need to get better at fighting her, or she and I are going to need to have a conversation about leaving marks on your body," she huffed.
"Now that I would definitely like to see."
She pinched his side hard, mumbling, "Jerk," good naturedly.
John sigh contentedly, his eyes dropping closed, exhaustion taking over. "I'll apologize tomorrow. Unless, you want to come with me again?"
"No, I think you can handle this one on your own."
She waited until he started to snore lightly, then let herself take several reassuring breaths, forcing back tears. She was certain after she'd kicked him out earlier that he wouldn't be coming back, and yet, she'd seen no way around it.
She needed him to know her anger, her chastisement. To feel it physically, emotionally. She wanted him to feel torn apart. She didn't stand a chance of reaching him otherwise, not with the years and years of emotional barriers he'd erected to keep safe from anything he didn't want to deal with. She needed him to break so she could put him back together again.
She'd done it for him and had tried desperately to ignore how much it was ripping her apart. Thankfully, it had worked out. She didn't want to imagine what she would have done if it hadn't, but she thought that losing him on top of everything else, might just have put her over the edge. Even she had her boundaries.
Finis.
Next: The Misfortune of Warlike Men (Part 1)
*
If Teyla was surprised to see him stalk into the gym at such a late hour, it didn't show on her face. She looked up, ever placid, from her position on the floor stretching, and took in the major's disheveled appearance. His anger was almost tangible.
"What the hell did you tell Elizabeth?" He demanded.
"The truth," Teyla answered calmly, not at all persuaded by his forceful tone, or the look on his face. "It is not my fault if you have a problem with the truth."
"Look, we saved your friend, okay? Why did you have to go and make a federal case out of it?"
Teyla filed 'federal case' away as another Earth-euphemism she needed explained, acknowledging easily enough from John's demeanor that it wasn't a good thing. "Doing the right thing means very little if you do it for the wrong reasons," she responded, getting to her feet.
"What does that even mean? If you do the right thing, you do the right thing! Who cares what the reason is?"
"I care, for one," Teyla answered slowly, her eyes flashing dangerously. "I would rather die fighting the Wraith than live a coward!"
"And I'm sick and tired of people dying for no reason!"
Somehow they had become nose to nose. Finally, it was Teyla who stepped back, breaking the stare and recognizing all too well the fear in John's eyes. "So am I, Major," she said softly.
Something broke inside him, dispelling the haze of rage. Still his body hummed with unspent emotion, making him want to split apart in a hundred different directions. His hands fidgeted at his sides.
"You seem upset," she noted dryly. "Would you like to talk?"
He almost growled, sick and tired of the women in his life picking at the wounds he wanted left well enough alone. "Drop it."
"Perhaps you would like to work this out without words?" Teyla walked over to her bag and tossed a spare set of fighting sticks to him, something dangerous flashing in her eyes.
Automatically, John dropped into an attack position. He charged at her blindly and swung wide, overhead, trying to knock her into the ground with sheer strength. Teyla easily sidestepped him, then swung out as he passed, swatting him firmly on the ass. It was a practiced move, one she had used a hundred times on him, but John yelped and cursed as if she had shot him. "Major? Are you all right?"
"Fine," he gritted out, feeling every second of Elizabeth's spanking all over again. He came at her again. Their sticks were a blur of movement as he attacked, clearly out of control, forcing her to block and parry, almost overwhelmed by the sheer anger urging him on.
They went on like that for several minutes until John attempted to execute a complicated butterfly swing. Teyla stopped his stick, sidestepped, and rapped him twice, once on the back of the thighs, another on the back of the knees, sending him sprawling to the ground with another hiss and curse.
"You are obviously not fine," Teyla panted, her stick pressing dangerously into his Adam's apple as she loomed over him, keeping him in place. "I don't know what you think you have done to deserve this, but it is not me you fight now. In fact, I doubt it ever was." She pulled up, resting her fighting sticks under her arm, refusing to engage him any more.
Groaning, John let his head drop back to the floor with a thud.
Now what the hell was he supposed to do?
*
"You're up late."
Rodney's head jerked up, painfully rapping into the console above his head. She grimaced in sympathy, knowing exactly how he felt. He shot Elizabeth a world-weary look, but accepted the hot cup of coffee she offered anyway. "Yes, well, head injury not withstanding, we have three Wraith ships coming to suck the life out of us and take the city, so sleep isn't exactly a priority right now." Elizabeth ignored his snark, and perched herself on the nearest lab stool, sipping her own coffee. "What are you doing up?"
"You don't have a patent on worrying about this city, Rodney." Or it's inhabitants. One in particular. "What are you working on?" She asked, clearly changing subject.
"This was another piece of equipment discovered in a lab. Its data drive was kept separate from the main city drives. I'm hoping it might have some more information..." Rodney trailed off. "We're never going home, are we?" He asked abruptly, taking her off guard.
"I don't know." Her answer was honest, but hardly comforting. "I hope so."
"Yes, well, you at least have someone at home waiting for you," Rodney mused, referencing her earlier comment about sending a message home.
"Not any more," she sighed.
Rodney blinked. He wasn't good at this... this personal interaction stuff. It made him uncomfortable. Itchy. But it was Elizabeth, so he tried. "Do you, uh, um, want to... uh... talk?"
"Not about that," she said firmly. "I'd just like to sit here and watch you work for a while if that's okay?"
"That's fine, but - and don't misunderstand me, I've always enjoyed your company - but, why?" He asked, clearly confused. There must have been a hundred other things she could be doing besides watching him work, sleep being at the top of that list.
"Because I always know where I stand with you Rodney, and right now, that's a comfort."
"Oh, okay." He clearly didn't have a clue what she was talking about, but he didn't press, as she knew he wouldn't. Instead, he asked for a screwdriver, and launched into a one-sided discussion of the multi-dimensional vacuum energy that fueled ZPMs and how if he just had more time and the proper equipment he could build them as many as they needed.
*
It was late, past 3 a.m. when she finally left the lab and wandered back toward her quarters, hoping for a few hours sleep. When she turned the corner and saw who was waiting for her, she knew that plan had flown out the proverbial window.
"Can we talk?"
Her conversation with Rodney had been a pleasant distraction, his techno-babble somehow managing to soothe her nerves. The sight of John brought all of them back. "I don't think so."
"Elizabeth... please?" she reached past him to activate the door. His hand caught her wrist. "Please?"
Her glare had him drawing away his hand quickly, but she didn't tell him no. He walked into her room first, his eyes unconsciously drifting over to the wall, before turning nervously to face her.
"What do you want John?"
What he wanted to do his pride wouldn't allow. At least not yet. "I wanted to talk about earlier."
"Were you planning on lying to me some more?" John winced. It wasn't just her belt that stung.
"I should have told you."
"That goes without saying. The question is why didn’t you?" Her tone was cold, offering no promise of forgiveness, to absolution.
Fear made him hesitate. Maybe if he'd seen a glimpse of compassion, understanding, he could have attempted to explain, but the dispassionate way she was looking at him made him feel naked and exposed in a way the spanking never reached. He felt utterly and completely alone and knew there was only one thing to do if he even wanted a chance to make that feeling go away.
He swallowed hard, his eyes downcast as they always were when he had to say things to Elizabeth he didn't want to. "I was afraid."
Three simple words, but with them, he felt a dam break inside of him. For not the first time in his life he wished he could express himself better, make his feelings, his intentions known. For all his teasing of McKay, they really weren't that much different. Rodney was just more up front about his lack of personal interaction skills. John kept his deficiencies carefully guarded behind a façade of sarcasm and cooler-than-thou attitude. It had worked out pretty well for him until now. Until he'd met her.
"Afraid of me?"
"Afraid of myself," John admitted. "I'm Major John Sheppard - Ranking military officer of Atlantis, and when I found out about those Wraith ships... I panicked." His face was unguarded, finally, letting her see just how afraid he had been. "All I wanted to do from the moment I stepped onto that planet was to get the intel and get the hell off it as soon as possible."
"But, why? You knew the Wraith were coming there. You knew what was going to happen."
"They never would have come to that planet, they wouldn't be coming here, if it wasn't for me," he hissed, starting to pace. "It was my screw up that started all this! Every we time we step off-world, every time another person dies, another planet gets culled, I feel like it's my fault. Imagine having to re-live the worst mistake of your life over and over again?" He stopped, broken, and finally looked at her. "When Teyla volunteered to wait and take Orin and his family, I panicked, cause all I wanted was to get as far away from the Wraith as I could, and get back here, away from the culling, away from what I'd started..." he trailed off, but Elizabeth thought she heard him finish softly, "get back to you."
She took a step forward, then another, and then her hands were cupping his face, holding him firmly so that he couldn't look anywhere but in her eyes. "You know, you're always so laid back, so cool, I forget sometimes you think you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Don't you know that's my job?" Her tone sounded light, almost teasing, but he could see in her eyes she wasn't.
"I want you to remember two things, the next time you start to think this is all your fault. Number one: you may be the ranking military officer, but you wouldn't have even stepped through that gate to rescue Colonel Sumner and the others if I hadn't authorized the mission. It was my call John, not yours. If this is anyone's responsibility, it's mine."
He started to protest but she stopped him with a look. "Mine," she repeated firmly. "And number two: the Wraith would have woken up eventually; it was only a matter of time. It just so happens that now we have to deal with them instead of our grandchildren."
She pulled him tightly to her then, almost crushing him with the fierceness in her hug, before pulling away and fixing him with another stern glare. "I swear to god, you ever lie to me again, or keep something from me, and you won't be able to sit down for a month. Do you understand?" John nodded solemnly, his ass still burning. Elizabeth hugged him again.
"It's okay to admit you're human," she whispered into his neck. "No one here will think less of you. I won't think any less of you." He squeezed back tightly, burying his face in her hair. "I know, I know... easier said than done," she murmured, thinking of her recent encounter with her alternate self. She pulled back, looking him in the eye. "Would you like to stay tonight?"
"Do you want me to?"
Elizabeth sighed wearily. "You know, eventually I am going to break you of this habit of answering every question I ask with a question of your own. Now, let's try this again. Would you like to stay tonight?"
His answer was immediate. "Yes."
"Come here," she ordered softly, tugging at his hands until he followed her over to the bed. They didn't speak as she undressed him, pulling off each piece of clothing until he was naked. She looked him over, memorizing every inch, before turning to examine his backside, noting absently the new bruises that hadn't been there the last time she'd seen him. He'd obviously worked off quite a bit of energy going fifteen rounds with Teyla.
Welts puffed up red and angry across his ass and thighs, painful reminders of his earlier disobedience. Her fingers trailed across them, making John hiss. A moment late, she was on her knees behind him, pressing soft open mouthed kisses against his abused skin, soothing the irritated skin with her tongue.
John let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, relaxing into her embrace, feeling all the uncertainty, the pain of their earlier argument melt away. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, blinking away the sudden wetness there. She stood once more, gently pushing him into bed. A moment later and she was sliding into bed beside him, her clothing in a pile beside his on the floor, the light off, leaving only the glow from the city lights to illuminate the room. He turned into her body, his head fitting easily into the crook of her neck. It was the closest she'd let him get so far. He breathed her in deeply, memorizing the scent. His hands trailed lightly over her arms and side, but nowhere else.
"I'm sorry." He snuggled in closer and sighed. "I seem to be saying that a lot lately," he added ruefully.
"We're still figuring this out... and it's not like there is a rule book for this. It's okay to screw up John. It's okay to be frightened. You need to trust me enough to know I won't ever use that against you."
"I'm starting to get that."
"You don't always have to be strong," she whispered against his hair, pulling him closer.
"Pot meet kettle," he teased lightly.
"Yes, I know," she grinned. "Did you and Teyla make up?"
"Well, she kicked my ass all over the gym, if that's what you mean."
"So I noticed. Either you need to get better at fighting her, or she and I are going to need to have a conversation about leaving marks on your body," she huffed.
"Now that I would definitely like to see."
She pinched his side hard, mumbling, "Jerk," good naturedly.
John sigh contentedly, his eyes dropping closed, exhaustion taking over. "I'll apologize tomorrow. Unless, you want to come with me again?"
"No, I think you can handle this one on your own."
She waited until he started to snore lightly, then let herself take several reassuring breaths, forcing back tears. She was certain after she'd kicked him out earlier that he wouldn't be coming back, and yet, she'd seen no way around it.
She needed him to know her anger, her chastisement. To feel it physically, emotionally. She wanted him to feel torn apart. She didn't stand a chance of reaching him otherwise, not with the years and years of emotional barriers he'd erected to keep safe from anything he didn't want to deal with. She needed him to break so she could put him back together again.
She'd done it for him and had tried desperately to ignore how much it was ripping her apart. Thankfully, it had worked out. She didn't want to imagine what she would have done if it hadn't, but she thought that losing him on top of everything else, might just have put her over the edge. Even she had her boundaries.
Finis.
Next: The Misfortune of Warlike Men (Part 1)