Castle Fic - Waiting Game, Chapter 7
Title - Waiting Game
Pairing - Beckett/Castle
Rating - PG13ish
Disclaimer - I don't own Castle
1:04 pm, 12th precinct, a brief recap
Castle stood by the elevator and watched Kate talking with Ryan and Esposito before slowly turning and heading for the break room. He couldn't go over there yet. She would see everything in his face. He wasn't sure exactly what she did want, but he was pretty sure she wasn't ready for the full force of his love to crash over her like a tidal wave.
He pulled out his phone. He'd double check and make sure Alexis got home okay.
Castle stepped into the break room and dialed. The phone rang four times before someone answered. It wasn't Alexis.
*****
1:05 pm, 12th precinct, the break room
“Hello?”
The male voice on the other end of the phone was decidedly not Alexis. Castle felt everything in him freeze as every case involving a murdered young woman flashed through his mind. He drew in a sharp breath before he spoke, his voice loud and hard. “Who is this? Where’s Alexis?”
There was a slight pause while the robber deliberated, and Castle felt his chest seizing up, his hands shaking on the phone.
And then, “Um, she’s in the shower?” The rapist and/or murderer’s voice slid up at end, like a question.
Castle hesitated, trying to concentrate past the surge of panic, because the murder/rapist sounded oddly young and…nervous. Almost familiar. In fact, it kind of sounded like… Oh no.
Abruptly Castle’s panic was replaced with rage, which was probably an over-reaction, but he’d just had to deal with hypnotists and runaway ferrets and sexist guards. And now he had to deal with -
“Ashley? Is that you?”
Ashley let out a relieved breath. “Oh, hi Mr. Castle”
“Oh hi!? Ashley! Why aren’t you at college? And why the hell are you in my house while my daughter is in the shower?”
“Oh, no. God, Mr. Castle, I’m sorry. It’s...it’s not… I just answered her phone because she’s all wet…”
Of all the things you don’t want to hear from your teenage daughter’s ex-boyfriend, “she’s all wet” had to top the list. Castle could feel his hands clenching into fists. He started toward the bullpen. “Get Alexis on the phone. Now.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll just go…”
“Do not go in that bathroom while she’s in the shower!”
“Okay…but how…?” Ashley’s voice had risen to a squeak.
“Figure it out!”
Castle wrenched opened the door and collided with Ryan on his way in. He grabbed his arm - his grip was too hard, if Ryan’s recoil was any indication, but he couldn’t worry about that now, not when scenarios involving kidnappers and stalkers and his daughter having sex were hijacking his thoughts. He held the phone away from his face and tried to keep his voice down even though his heart was racing. “Get Beckett!”
“What?” Ryan immediately snapped into cop mode. “What’s the problem?”
“Dad?” Alexis popped on the phone, her voice apprehensive. “What’s going on?”
Relief that Alexis wasn’t being held by kidnappers using Ashley as a front man, mingled with the realization that Alexis had gotten to the phone way, way too fast to have gotten dressed made him splutter into the phone. “Alexis! Why didn’t you call? Why is Ashley answering your phone?”
“Dad, I’m sorry, I was all wet and cold from the snow, so I took a shower…”
“Yes, I have heard that you were in the shower.”
“And Ashley didn’t want you to worry…”
“Too late!”
“So he answered the phone…”
“What is he even doing here? He’s supposed to be at Stanford!”
“He’s home for a long weekend.”
“It’s Tuesday! And I thought you were broken up!”
“He just came by to talk about some things…”
“You were going to talk while you were in the shower?”
“No! I was already in the shower when he got here.”
Castle felt his eyes bugging. “What! Then how did he get in?” Visions of hostages and robberies returned. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Silence.
“Alexis?”
“He, um…he might still have a key.”
Castle could feel all the blood rushing to his face. “STILL have a key!” He felt like he might choke.
Ryan turned. “I’m getting Beckett.”
The choking sensation eased somewhat. Kate would know what to do. “Alexis, don’t move.”
He held the phone away from his face. “Can I get the police involved? Even if she let him in willingly?” Thoughts of bizarre kidnapping scenarios and Alexis wearing nothing but a towel flashed across his mind. “Of course, it can’t hurt to check.”
Ryan looked over his shoulder as Castle followed him out of the break room door. “I’m getting Beckett for you, man. You’re freaking out.”
****
Also at 1:05 pm, 12th precinct, Beckett’s desk
Kate sat at her desk, carefully not watching the break room, and mentally reviewed her reasons for freaking out.
She briefly marveled at the fact that she seemed to have done more personal introspection today than she had done in her entire tenure in Dr. Burke’s office thus far. Then again, she had never had a day when the most mentally challenging thing on her agenda had been outsmarting a ferret. Which she had failed to do.
Whatever. It really freed up time to think.
Someone needed to die. Kate felt badly about that, but she needed a case. Because too much time to think had led to the following conclusions:
Kate wasn’t sure what it said about her that her list of romantic problems included a ferret.
No, she was sure. It said that she was a coward, because there shouldn’t even be a list. She had some legitimate concerns, but the second half of the list was ridiculous.
Kate took a deep breath. If she didn’t want to be that girl, pathetically in love, losing her mind at every word or action she didn’t understand, then she needed to stop being that girl. Love shouldn’t be pathetic.
She didn’t need to call Dr. Burke. Kate knew what he would say. If she wanted to be more then she was going to have to do more, starting with simply asking Castle what was wrong, and who was on the phone. Why was she trying to pretend she didn’t care when she did?
“Beckett!”
Kate looked up to see Ryan striding out of the break room, his coffee forgotten. Castle was right behind him. He was still on his phone, eyes darting all over the place. Across the bullpen his gaze met hers. The look on his face had her out of chair, whirling to meet them halfway.
“What’s wrong?”
Ryan stopped in front of her, his voice low. “We have a situation.”
*****
1:14 pm, 12th precinct, in the vicinity of Beckett’s desk, with a situation
Kate felt sick. “What? What’s the situation?”
Ryan cut his eyes back at Castle, his look aggravated pity. He leaned in to whisper, “Castle’s flipping out. Alexis’ boyfriend answered the phone and Castle thinks it’s suspicious.”
Castle looked like his head was going to explode. “It’s her ex-boyfriend! And the whole thing seems weird!”
Kate put her hand to her chest, almost lightheaded with relief. “That’s it? Ashley answered the phone? I thought something was really wrong.”
Castle’s eyes were popping out. “Something is really wrong! I think Alexis might be naked!”
“What?” Kate looked at Ryan, who just shrugged his shoulders.
“See? Flipping out.”
Her hands were actually trembling in a belated reaction to the adrenaline. Great. Castle looked mildly upset and she practically had a panic attack. Kate resisted the urge to punch him in the arm. That would take care of some of the adrenaline.
Castle stepped around Ryan, frantically waving her towards him, now talking, presumably to Alexis. “What are you wearing? Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I’m not that young, you know.”
Kate took in his red face and erratic gestures. Maybe he was a little more than mildly upset.
Her irritation drained away as she recognized the sincere worry in his eyes, no matter how unfounded. It was all well and good for him to think up elaborate stories about the depravity of men and their motivations when it concerned strangers. The downside was that it seemed just as real when he was imagining that depravity aimed at his precious daughter. The curse of the writer’s imagination.
“At least tell me that Ashley didn’t come in the bathroom while you were actually in the shower.”
Or maybe he was just imagining his teenage daughter having sex. The curse of the father.
“So Ashley came in while you were in the shower? He was waiting for you when you got out?” Castle spoke at about twice his usual volume, enunciating clearly. He tilted the phone away from his mouth and reached out to snag Kate’s arm, pulling her into his body, his mouth suddenly against her ear. “Get over here and listen to this, something doesn’t sound right.”
Kate was snuggled into Castle’s body as he leaned over so she could press her ear next to his. She had to close her eyes for a second when the feeling of being surrounded by Castle, by his heat and his smell, engulfed her. She was back in the dark of lock-up with his lips inches from hers...and she missed the first part of whatever Alexis was saying.
“…seriously embarrassing me!” Alexis sounded like she was in a tunnel, which meant she was on speakerphone. “Why are you being so weird?”
Pressed in so close, Kate could actually feel Castle’s heartbeat, hard and fast. “Well, I’m sorry Alexis, if I get worried and weird when I call my daughter and instead get her ex-boyfriend. Of course, I’m just taking your word for it that it’s Ashley. It could be a kidnapper with an excellent gift for mimicry.”
“Oh my God, Dad!” Alexis sounded totally exasperated, a tone in her voice that Kate recognized from her own dealings with Castle. “There aren’t any kidnappers!”
“How do I know Alexis! You can’t be too careful. Maybe the kidnappers are making you say that! Maybe you and Ashley have guns to your heads!”
“Will you please stop! Ashley can hear you!”
“If you don’t want Ashley to hear then why are you on speakerphone?”
“So I can hold up my towel.”
“You had better be kidding.”
“You would rather I didn’t hold up my towel?”
“That’s it. I’m on my way home right now.”
“Seriously? Have you lost your mind?” Alexis paused and then, “Kate?” There was a hint of resignation in her tone. “I know you’re there. Can you please make him stop being ridiculous?”
Kate actually felt her stomach drop, like she’d been caught in the act of …something. “Uhhh…um…” Now she was stuttering. Wow. This was awkward. “He’s just…” She took a calming breath. “He’s just worried, Alexis.”
Kate felt Castle freeze. With his body aligned with hers, their cheeks pressed together,
Kate was hyper aware of how good he smelled, how close his lips were. She hadn’t felt this busted since that time in 11th grade when her dad had walked in on her and Mike Holsterman on the couch with his hand up her shirt.
Alexis sighed. “Dad. I said I was sorry. I left my phone on the coffee table. Ashley saw it was you and answered it so you wouldn’t be worried. That’s it.”
Kate felt Castle swallow, and had to close her eyes against the need to turn and press her lips to his throat.
He inhaled. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Alexis sighed again. “Dad. I promise, everything is fine. Ashley and I are just going to talk.” Kate kind of doubted that. “There’s no need to worry.”
Kate could feel Castle's agitation and genuine worry and felt terrible for him, even if he was acting sort of like a total lunatic. A lunatic whose neck she was going to accidentally kiss if she wasn’t able to move away in the next five seconds.
He huffed into the phone, “Okay, but I’m calling every half hour to make sure you’re okay.”
Kate could practically hear Alexis rolling her eyes. “No, Dad, you’re not. I’m 17, not 10. I love you. The kidnapper says I have to hang up now.”
Castle jerked upright and started spluttering into the phone. Kate could still hear Alexis still talking on the other end (“Kidding! Gosh!”) before she finally hung up.
Castle slumped into his chair looking confused and a little lost, like he was wondering how on earth his little girl was 17 and able to demand time alone with her boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.
Looking at him, Kate felt a wave of tenderness for him and his huge heart. She wished for the hundredth time today that they weren’t in the precinct so they could have one moment of privacy. She was becoming increasing sure of what she would do if they did. Instead she caught his eye and tilted her head to the side.
“Not kidnappers, huh?”
Castle was rhythmically rubbing his temples. “Worse. Ashley.” He leaned over and thunked his forehead against her desk. “She was probably standing there in just a towel. At least I hope she had on a towel.” He shuddered. “Why did I think that? Now I’ll never unthink it. I’m going to have to bleach my brain.”
Kate felt her heart turn over. She had no defense against this Castle, this loving, concerned father Castle. It made him so vulnerable. “Come on. I'll make you a coffee.”
“Are you trying to make me feel better? Because - and I don’t mean to hurt your feelings - I don't know if your coffee skills are up to that.”
Kate feigned offense, her hand to her chest. “I’ll have you know Castle, that my coffee…” she paused and leaned over, searching out his eyes, a smile tugging at her lips, “…is really not that bad.”
Castle huffed out a short laugh, but his eyes were still bleak, even as he tried to smile at her. “That’s debatable. But you know what? I’m sick of the break room. Let’s run out for a coffee.”
Kate was poised to agree. The thought of time alone with him away from the precinct was so tempting, however short and public it may be. She might even be able to work up the courage to ask him what was going on in lockup. But she abruptly remembered, “We shouldn’t. The blizzard. It’s like a wall of snow out there.”
Castle was already on his feet, reaching for his coat. At this he stopped. He dropped heavily back into his chair, his head flopping back. “You’re right. We’re stuck here.”
That seemed true on so many levels. Castle looked so despondent that Kate almost couldn’t stand it.
“You know, so what? Let’s go anyway. It’s just snow. It’s only a block.” She nudged his foot with hers. “We’ll make it.”
Castle lifted his head, still with a smile that somehow only covered the surface. “Don’t be silly. I can wait for the coffee, Kate.”
He stood back up and swept out his arm to indicate that she should go ahead of him. “Break room. I’ll make you coffee.”
But that’s how it always was.
Kate nodded and stepped ahead of him, her eyes narrowed in thought.
Things needed to change.
*****
11:27 pm, 12th precinct, break room. Again
Kate wrapped her hands around the mug Castle handed her, letting the warmth seep into her fingers. It was getting colder inside; the remaining heaters couldn’t keep up. Maybe they would all get sent home, like Alexis. For some reason the thought of being home, snowed in, all alone with nothing to do, didn’t sound nearly as appealing as it should.
Castle sat down next to her, his eyes cast down at the coffee in his own hands.
“You okay?”
He nodded shortly, “Yeah. I’m fine. Aside from feeling really foolish, and my sudden urge to Google information about convents.” He looked up. “If I hurry I can probably get Alexis into one before she turns eighteen and I lose my parental authority.”
Her heart squeezed. “I’m sure Alexis is fine.”
“I know.” Castle nodded a few times. “I really do know that. She’s a smart girl.” He glanced up at her. “Even so, would it be out of line if I had you call her and remind her to use condoms? Woman to woman?”
Kate fought the temptation to laugh. “Maybe a little.”
“Worth a shot.” He cleared his throat. “Listen, I’m sorry I was such an idiot. Nothing new there, right?”
Kate kept her hands tightly wrapped around her mug so she wouldn’t reach for him. “You weren’t an idiot, you were just worried. Just a dad.”
He rubbed his eyes, scrubbed his hands down his face. “I just…I really don’t want her to be having sex with him.”
“Castle…”
He sat back, “I know. Could I be a bigger hypocrite? And I know she loved him, and that she’s almost an adult…but she’s my baby, and…”
Kate forgot that she was trying not to reach for him and gently covered his fist with her hand. “What?”
Castle opened his hand and turned it over, his eyes on their intertwining fingers. “It’s times like this when I really feel like I fail her. She needs a mother to talk to about having sex with her boyfriend. No matter what I do I’m not the same as a mother.”
Kate felt her breath catch in her throat. No. Not the same as a mother. She closed her eyes. This was about Castle, and what he needed right now. “Castle,” She lowered her head, trying to see his eyes. “I don’t think you could have been a better father to her. Alexis knows she can talk to you if she needs to. About anything.”
Castle finally looked up at her, a rare vulnerability in his eyes. “I hope so, but she’s never said anything to me about this, and…”
“Castle.” Kate interrupted, wanting to hug him but deciding he would benefit from a reality check instead. “Most seventeen-year-old girls do not discuss the pros and cons of having sex with their boyfriends with either parent, no matter how close they are. And besides,” She licked her lips, unable to pull her eyes from his, rather desperately reaching for a light tone, “she does have a mother.”
Castle groaned. “The thought of Meredith advising Alexis in sexual matters does not ease my mind.”
“There’s your mother…”
Castle’s mouth dropped open in horror. “Oh my God. That’s worse. Now you’re trying to upset me.”
Okay. He was in danger of wallowing. It was time for the big guns. Shock and awe. Kate tossed her hair and arched her eyebrow, leaning in closer. “If it helps, I didn’t talk to my mother about having sex with my boyfriend.”
Castle’s eyes lifted to hers, wary, like he suddenly realized the dangerous ground he was treading with her. “No?”
“No.” Kate scoffed. “I just did it. In the backseat of her car.”
That did it. Castle’s eyes widened, delighted and intrigued. “Seriously? You…I…I can’t believe you just told me that. You must really want me to feel better.”
Kate smiled back, trying not to close her eyes at how good his thumb felt against her sensitive palm. “You’ve had a rough morning. I figured you’d earned it.”
Castle turned in his chair, bringing his leg against hers, his eyes filling with glee. “Really, the back seat? How very, very clichéd of you, Detective Beckett.”
Kate shrugged, trying not to melt on the table. “I like to think of it as being traditional. Keeping it old school.”
“Hm.” Castle nodded, his smile barely contained and finally real. “I approve. Are we sure we don’t need to go anywhere? I have a sudden urge to get in the car with you.”
Kate couldn’t help it. She burst out laughing, as much with relief as anything else, because this was the Castle she knew, and she was so glad to have him back. Her shoulders were shaking with mirth, her other hand somehow coming to rest on the inside of his knee, and then she was looking into his eyes and his mouth was right there and her laughter stuttered to a stop as she lost all breath.
In an instant the mood shifted from teasing to the desire that always lay just under the surface of everything between them.
For endless moments they stared at each other, caught, suspended; unable to go forward, but way, way too late to go back.
“Kate?” Castle sounded almost surprised, his eyes wide. He was motionless for half a second until his other hand slowly moved up to ghost along the hair at her cheek, to gently tuck it behind her ear. His fingers trailed against her earlobe, the skin of her neck, and she couldn’t suppress a shiver.
Desire, the want that was always there but that she tried to keep tapped down, controlled, was surging up, and, oh God, his eyes, so hot, dropped to her lips as he shifted closer, his fingers still resting against her throat. Her fingers spasmed on his leg and she leaned forward, gone too far to stop herself, too far gone to worry if she was ready, too far to care.
She could feel his breath along her cheek, rapid puffs, and then his lips barely skimmed against her skin, close to her ear, as his fingers moved through her hair to curve around the nape of her neck. She lifted her head a fraction and then her lips were barely grazing his, so light, and -
Kate never heard the footsteps, but Castle must have, because he snatched his hands away from her and reared back in his chair, leaving her confused for an instant until she heard the doorknob rattle.
She was only halfway back in her seat, her hand still on Castle’s thigh, when the door slammed opened and Ryan skidded in. “Guys! Ferret sighting on the second floor!” He caught sight of them and stopped so abruptly he tripped over his own feet, knocking into the table.
“Oof. Sorry.” He pulled himself up, his eyes enormous and darting from her to Castle and back to her again. “Uhhh, am I interrupting something?”
Kate found that she couldn’t even speak, she was so stunned, the belated realization breaking over her that she had almost kissed Castle (omgomgomgomg) in the break room, where anyone could have walked in on them. She knew her eyes were like saucers, mirroring Ryan’s and basically giving them away. Beside her Castle was uncharacteristically silent. That was so strange that it was confirmation in and of itself.
“Okay then.” Ryan started backing towards the door when no one answered him. “I’m going….away.” He eased into the hallway, a smile slowly creeping over his face. “I’ll just close this door.”
The door snicked shut and Ryan was gone, no doubt on his way to initiate the email chain or text message alert system that kept everyone apprised of her and Castle’s relationship status for wagering purposes.
Kate felt the heat and the color in her face and knew she was blushing. If ever there was a moment to freak out, this was it. They were lucky that it had been Ryan. It could have been anyone, it could have been Gates, and then every worst case scenario she’d been imagining all day would have come true.
Not to mention that after running her hand up his inner thigh and leaning in so close that her breath had mingled with his, there was absolutely no way that Castle could possibly miss how badly she wanted him. She’d been so close, so tantalizingly close, that even now she could feel the phantom heat of his lips nearly touching hers, and she involuntarily raised her fingers to her mouth.
“Kate.”
Castle’s voice was strangled and resigned. He was getting ready to apologize, she could tell, and she had to stop him, wouldn’t be able to bear to hear it, because although she had every reason to regret what had just happened, every reason to be completely freaking out, the only thing she truly felt right now was frustration that they were in the break room and not his bedroom.
It would kill her if he didn’t feel the same way.
“Kate,” he tried again, and when she turned to look at him his face was like a punch in the stomach.
She was terrified she was going to see regret, but instead it was fear looking out from his eyes. Fear, and anxiety, and confusion, and underneath it all the faintest hint of hope. “Kate, please, I’m…”
“No.” Kate held up a hand to stop him as a revelation crashed over her, so obvious, so glaringly obvious, that she couldn’t believe her own stupidity.
Maybe he was just as scared of messing this up as she was. Maybe he, too, was terrified that he had just ruined everything. Maybe they wanted exactly the same thing.
“No, really, Kate…”
“Shhh.” Kate still had her hand up to keep him quiet, and he trailed off, sagging with misery and confusion.
Things had reached a breaking point for both of them, but they couldn’t do this here.
She forced herself to meet his eyes. “Look, we can’t talk about this now.”
“Okay.” Castle nodded, but she could see that he didn’t get it. “We don’t have to.” His voice was carefully neutral but the hope had faded from his eyes and his shoulders slumped, defeated.
“No, I mean…” God, always with the misunderstandings. Kate took a deep breath, looked right in his eyes, and reminded herself that the only way out was through.
“Castle, will you have dinner with me tonight?”
Pairing - Beckett/Castle
Rating - PG13ish
Disclaimer - I don't own Castle
1:04 pm, 12th precinct, a brief recap
Castle stood by the elevator and watched Kate talking with Ryan and Esposito before slowly turning and heading for the break room. He couldn't go over there yet. She would see everything in his face. He wasn't sure exactly what she did want, but he was pretty sure she wasn't ready for the full force of his love to crash over her like a tidal wave.
He pulled out his phone. He'd double check and make sure Alexis got home okay.
Castle stepped into the break room and dialed. The phone rang four times before someone answered. It wasn't Alexis.
*****
1:05 pm, 12th precinct, the break room
“Hello?”
The male voice on the other end of the phone was decidedly not Alexis. Castle felt everything in him freeze as every case involving a murdered young woman flashed through his mind. He drew in a sharp breath before he spoke, his voice loud and hard. “Who is this? Where’s Alexis?”
There was a slight pause while the robber deliberated, and Castle felt his chest seizing up, his hands shaking on the phone.
And then, “Um, she’s in the shower?” The rapist and/or murderer’s voice slid up at end, like a question.
Castle hesitated, trying to concentrate past the surge of panic, because the murder/rapist sounded oddly young and…nervous. Almost familiar. In fact, it kind of sounded like… Oh no.
Abruptly Castle’s panic was replaced with rage, which was probably an over-reaction, but he’d just had to deal with hypnotists and runaway ferrets and sexist guards. And now he had to deal with -
“Ashley? Is that you?”
Ashley let out a relieved breath. “Oh, hi Mr. Castle”
“Oh hi!? Ashley! Why aren’t you at college? And why the hell are you in my house while my daughter is in the shower?”
“Oh, no. God, Mr. Castle, I’m sorry. It’s...it’s not… I just answered her phone because she’s all wet…”
Of all the things you don’t want to hear from your teenage daughter’s ex-boyfriend, “she’s all wet” had to top the list. Castle could feel his hands clenching into fists. He started toward the bullpen. “Get Alexis on the phone. Now.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll just go…”
“Do not go in that bathroom while she’s in the shower!”
“Okay…but how…?” Ashley’s voice had risen to a squeak.
“Figure it out!”
Castle wrenched opened the door and collided with Ryan on his way in. He grabbed his arm - his grip was too hard, if Ryan’s recoil was any indication, but he couldn’t worry about that now, not when scenarios involving kidnappers and stalkers and his daughter having sex were hijacking his thoughts. He held the phone away from his face and tried to keep his voice down even though his heart was racing. “Get Beckett!”
“What?” Ryan immediately snapped into cop mode. “What’s the problem?”
“Dad?” Alexis popped on the phone, her voice apprehensive. “What’s going on?”
Relief that Alexis wasn’t being held by kidnappers using Ashley as a front man, mingled with the realization that Alexis had gotten to the phone way, way too fast to have gotten dressed made him splutter into the phone. “Alexis! Why didn’t you call? Why is Ashley answering your phone?”
“Dad, I’m sorry, I was all wet and cold from the snow, so I took a shower…”
“Yes, I have heard that you were in the shower.”
“And Ashley didn’t want you to worry…”
“Too late!”
“So he answered the phone…”
“What is he even doing here? He’s supposed to be at Stanford!”
“He’s home for a long weekend.”
“It’s Tuesday! And I thought you were broken up!”
“He just came by to talk about some things…”
“You were going to talk while you were in the shower?”
“No! I was already in the shower when he got here.”
Castle felt his eyes bugging. “What! Then how did he get in?” Visions of hostages and robberies returned. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Silence.
“Alexis?”
“He, um…he might still have a key.”
Castle could feel all the blood rushing to his face. “STILL have a key!” He felt like he might choke.
Ryan turned. “I’m getting Beckett.”
The choking sensation eased somewhat. Kate would know what to do. “Alexis, don’t move.”
He held the phone away from his face. “Can I get the police involved? Even if she let him in willingly?” Thoughts of bizarre kidnapping scenarios and Alexis wearing nothing but a towel flashed across his mind. “Of course, it can’t hurt to check.”
Ryan looked over his shoulder as Castle followed him out of the break room door. “I’m getting Beckett for you, man. You’re freaking out.”
****
Also at 1:05 pm, 12th precinct, Beckett’s desk
Kate sat at her desk, carefully not watching the break room, and mentally reviewed her reasons for freaking out.
She briefly marveled at the fact that she seemed to have done more personal introspection today than she had done in her entire tenure in Dr. Burke’s office thus far. Then again, she had never had a day when the most mentally challenging thing on her agenda had been outsmarting a ferret. Which she had failed to do.
Whatever. It really freed up time to think.
Someone needed to die. Kate felt badly about that, but she needed a case. Because too much time to think had led to the following conclusions:
- She was pathetically in love with Castle. So much so that if and when she ever managed to tell him, he was going to be completely astonished by her level of slavish devotion. Maybe not in a good way. And…
- If it was in a good way, if they actually got together, there was a good chance that he would be kicked out of the precinct. But that might be a moot point, because…
- Once she told him about her feelings, she would have to admit that she had heard him that terrible day in the cemetery and that she had been blatantly lying to him for months. At which point he might want nothing to do with her. Added to which…
- It had recently occurred to her that Castle didn’t actually seem to be in that much of a hurry for her to remember. In fact, maybe he was grateful she didn’t, because…
- Now he could pretend he never said it, and instead date other, more emotionally healthy and available women. Dates that…
- He may or may not be trying to set up right now, with all of his mysterious texts and phone calls. Which circled back to moot points, because…
- If Gates heard about Kate’s comments from lockup she would assume they were a couple and kick him out. If she hadn’t already fired all of them because of…
- The stupid ferret.
Kate wasn’t sure what it said about her that her list of romantic problems included a ferret.
No, she was sure. It said that she was a coward, because there shouldn’t even be a list. She had some legitimate concerns, but the second half of the list was ridiculous.
Kate took a deep breath. If she didn’t want to be that girl, pathetically in love, losing her mind at every word or action she didn’t understand, then she needed to stop being that girl. Love shouldn’t be pathetic.
She didn’t need to call Dr. Burke. Kate knew what he would say. If she wanted to be more then she was going to have to do more, starting with simply asking Castle what was wrong, and who was on the phone. Why was she trying to pretend she didn’t care when she did?
“Beckett!”
Kate looked up to see Ryan striding out of the break room, his coffee forgotten. Castle was right behind him. He was still on his phone, eyes darting all over the place. Across the bullpen his gaze met hers. The look on his face had her out of chair, whirling to meet them halfway.
“What’s wrong?”
Ryan stopped in front of her, his voice low. “We have a situation.”
*****
1:14 pm, 12th precinct, in the vicinity of Beckett’s desk, with a situation
Kate felt sick. “What? What’s the situation?”
Ryan cut his eyes back at Castle, his look aggravated pity. He leaned in to whisper, “Castle’s flipping out. Alexis’ boyfriend answered the phone and Castle thinks it’s suspicious.”
Castle looked like his head was going to explode. “It’s her ex-boyfriend! And the whole thing seems weird!”
Kate put her hand to her chest, almost lightheaded with relief. “That’s it? Ashley answered the phone? I thought something was really wrong.”
Castle’s eyes were popping out. “Something is really wrong! I think Alexis might be naked!”
“What?” Kate looked at Ryan, who just shrugged his shoulders.
“See? Flipping out.”
Her hands were actually trembling in a belated reaction to the adrenaline. Great. Castle looked mildly upset and she practically had a panic attack. Kate resisted the urge to punch him in the arm. That would take care of some of the adrenaline.
Castle stepped around Ryan, frantically waving her towards him, now talking, presumably to Alexis. “What are you wearing? Are you trying to give me a heart attack? I’m not that young, you know.”
Kate took in his red face and erratic gestures. Maybe he was a little more than mildly upset.
Her irritation drained away as she recognized the sincere worry in his eyes, no matter how unfounded. It was all well and good for him to think up elaborate stories about the depravity of men and their motivations when it concerned strangers. The downside was that it seemed just as real when he was imagining that depravity aimed at his precious daughter. The curse of the writer’s imagination.
“At least tell me that Ashley didn’t come in the bathroom while you were actually in the shower.”
Or maybe he was just imagining his teenage daughter having sex. The curse of the father.
“So Ashley came in while you were in the shower? He was waiting for you when you got out?” Castle spoke at about twice his usual volume, enunciating clearly. He tilted the phone away from his mouth and reached out to snag Kate’s arm, pulling her into his body, his mouth suddenly against her ear. “Get over here and listen to this, something doesn’t sound right.”
Kate was snuggled into Castle’s body as he leaned over so she could press her ear next to his. She had to close her eyes for a second when the feeling of being surrounded by Castle, by his heat and his smell, engulfed her. She was back in the dark of lock-up with his lips inches from hers...and she missed the first part of whatever Alexis was saying.
“…seriously embarrassing me!” Alexis sounded like she was in a tunnel, which meant she was on speakerphone. “Why are you being so weird?”
Pressed in so close, Kate could actually feel Castle’s heartbeat, hard and fast. “Well, I’m sorry Alexis, if I get worried and weird when I call my daughter and instead get her ex-boyfriend. Of course, I’m just taking your word for it that it’s Ashley. It could be a kidnapper with an excellent gift for mimicry.”
“Oh my God, Dad!” Alexis sounded totally exasperated, a tone in her voice that Kate recognized from her own dealings with Castle. “There aren’t any kidnappers!”
“How do I know Alexis! You can’t be too careful. Maybe the kidnappers are making you say that! Maybe you and Ashley have guns to your heads!”
“Will you please stop! Ashley can hear you!”
“If you don’t want Ashley to hear then why are you on speakerphone?”
“So I can hold up my towel.”
“You had better be kidding.”
“You would rather I didn’t hold up my towel?”
“That’s it. I’m on my way home right now.”
“Seriously? Have you lost your mind?” Alexis paused and then, “Kate?” There was a hint of resignation in her tone. “I know you’re there. Can you please make him stop being ridiculous?”
Kate actually felt her stomach drop, like she’d been caught in the act of …something. “Uhhh…um…” Now she was stuttering. Wow. This was awkward. “He’s just…” She took a calming breath. “He’s just worried, Alexis.”
Kate felt Castle freeze. With his body aligned with hers, their cheeks pressed together,
Kate was hyper aware of how good he smelled, how close his lips were. She hadn’t felt this busted since that time in 11th grade when her dad had walked in on her and Mike Holsterman on the couch with his hand up her shirt.
Alexis sighed. “Dad. I said I was sorry. I left my phone on the coffee table. Ashley saw it was you and answered it so you wouldn’t be worried. That’s it.”
Kate felt Castle swallow, and had to close her eyes against the need to turn and press her lips to his throat.
He inhaled. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
Alexis sighed again. “Dad. I promise, everything is fine. Ashley and I are just going to talk.” Kate kind of doubted that. “There’s no need to worry.”
Kate could feel Castle's agitation and genuine worry and felt terrible for him, even if he was acting sort of like a total lunatic. A lunatic whose neck she was going to accidentally kiss if she wasn’t able to move away in the next five seconds.
He huffed into the phone, “Okay, but I’m calling every half hour to make sure you’re okay.”
Kate could practically hear Alexis rolling her eyes. “No, Dad, you’re not. I’m 17, not 10. I love you. The kidnapper says I have to hang up now.”
Castle jerked upright and started spluttering into the phone. Kate could still hear Alexis still talking on the other end (“Kidding! Gosh!”) before she finally hung up.
Castle slumped into his chair looking confused and a little lost, like he was wondering how on earth his little girl was 17 and able to demand time alone with her boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend.
Looking at him, Kate felt a wave of tenderness for him and his huge heart. She wished for the hundredth time today that they weren’t in the precinct so they could have one moment of privacy. She was becoming increasing sure of what she would do if they did. Instead she caught his eye and tilted her head to the side.
“Not kidnappers, huh?”
Castle was rhythmically rubbing his temples. “Worse. Ashley.” He leaned over and thunked his forehead against her desk. “She was probably standing there in just a towel. At least I hope she had on a towel.” He shuddered. “Why did I think that? Now I’ll never unthink it. I’m going to have to bleach my brain.”
Kate felt her heart turn over. She had no defense against this Castle, this loving, concerned father Castle. It made him so vulnerable. “Come on. I'll make you a coffee.”
“Are you trying to make me feel better? Because - and I don’t mean to hurt your feelings - I don't know if your coffee skills are up to that.”
Kate feigned offense, her hand to her chest. “I’ll have you know Castle, that my coffee…” she paused and leaned over, searching out his eyes, a smile tugging at her lips, “…is really not that bad.”
Castle huffed out a short laugh, but his eyes were still bleak, even as he tried to smile at her. “That’s debatable. But you know what? I’m sick of the break room. Let’s run out for a coffee.”
Kate was poised to agree. The thought of time alone with him away from the precinct was so tempting, however short and public it may be. She might even be able to work up the courage to ask him what was going on in lockup. But she abruptly remembered, “We shouldn’t. The blizzard. It’s like a wall of snow out there.”
Castle was already on his feet, reaching for his coat. At this he stopped. He dropped heavily back into his chair, his head flopping back. “You’re right. We’re stuck here.”
That seemed true on so many levels. Castle looked so despondent that Kate almost couldn’t stand it.
“You know, so what? Let’s go anyway. It’s just snow. It’s only a block.” She nudged his foot with hers. “We’ll make it.”
Castle lifted his head, still with a smile that somehow only covered the surface. “Don’t be silly. I can wait for the coffee, Kate.”
He stood back up and swept out his arm to indicate that she should go ahead of him. “Break room. I’ll make you coffee.”
But that’s how it always was.
Kate nodded and stepped ahead of him, her eyes narrowed in thought.
Things needed to change.
*****
11:27 pm, 12th precinct, break room. Again
Kate wrapped her hands around the mug Castle handed her, letting the warmth seep into her fingers. It was getting colder inside; the remaining heaters couldn’t keep up. Maybe they would all get sent home, like Alexis. For some reason the thought of being home, snowed in, all alone with nothing to do, didn’t sound nearly as appealing as it should.
Castle sat down next to her, his eyes cast down at the coffee in his own hands.
“You okay?”
He nodded shortly, “Yeah. I’m fine. Aside from feeling really foolish, and my sudden urge to Google information about convents.” He looked up. “If I hurry I can probably get Alexis into one before she turns eighteen and I lose my parental authority.”
Her heart squeezed. “I’m sure Alexis is fine.”
“I know.” Castle nodded a few times. “I really do know that. She’s a smart girl.” He glanced up at her. “Even so, would it be out of line if I had you call her and remind her to use condoms? Woman to woman?”
Kate fought the temptation to laugh. “Maybe a little.”
“Worth a shot.” He cleared his throat. “Listen, I’m sorry I was such an idiot. Nothing new there, right?”
Kate kept her hands tightly wrapped around her mug so she wouldn’t reach for him. “You weren’t an idiot, you were just worried. Just a dad.”
He rubbed his eyes, scrubbed his hands down his face. “I just…I really don’t want her to be having sex with him.”
“Castle…”
He sat back, “I know. Could I be a bigger hypocrite? And I know she loved him, and that she’s almost an adult…but she’s my baby, and…”
Kate forgot that she was trying not to reach for him and gently covered his fist with her hand. “What?”
Castle opened his hand and turned it over, his eyes on their intertwining fingers. “It’s times like this when I really feel like I fail her. She needs a mother to talk to about having sex with her boyfriend. No matter what I do I’m not the same as a mother.”
Kate felt her breath catch in her throat. No. Not the same as a mother. She closed her eyes. This was about Castle, and what he needed right now. “Castle,” She lowered her head, trying to see his eyes. “I don’t think you could have been a better father to her. Alexis knows she can talk to you if she needs to. About anything.”
Castle finally looked up at her, a rare vulnerability in his eyes. “I hope so, but she’s never said anything to me about this, and…”
“Castle.” Kate interrupted, wanting to hug him but deciding he would benefit from a reality check instead. “Most seventeen-year-old girls do not discuss the pros and cons of having sex with their boyfriends with either parent, no matter how close they are. And besides,” She licked her lips, unable to pull her eyes from his, rather desperately reaching for a light tone, “she does have a mother.”
Castle groaned. “The thought of Meredith advising Alexis in sexual matters does not ease my mind.”
“There’s your mother…”
Castle’s mouth dropped open in horror. “Oh my God. That’s worse. Now you’re trying to upset me.”
Okay. He was in danger of wallowing. It was time for the big guns. Shock and awe. Kate tossed her hair and arched her eyebrow, leaning in closer. “If it helps, I didn’t talk to my mother about having sex with my boyfriend.”
Castle’s eyes lifted to hers, wary, like he suddenly realized the dangerous ground he was treading with her. “No?”
“No.” Kate scoffed. “I just did it. In the backseat of her car.”
That did it. Castle’s eyes widened, delighted and intrigued. “Seriously? You…I…I can’t believe you just told me that. You must really want me to feel better.”
Kate smiled back, trying not to close her eyes at how good his thumb felt against her sensitive palm. “You’ve had a rough morning. I figured you’d earned it.”
Castle turned in his chair, bringing his leg against hers, his eyes filling with glee. “Really, the back seat? How very, very clichéd of you, Detective Beckett.”
Kate shrugged, trying not to melt on the table. “I like to think of it as being traditional. Keeping it old school.”
“Hm.” Castle nodded, his smile barely contained and finally real. “I approve. Are we sure we don’t need to go anywhere? I have a sudden urge to get in the car with you.”
Kate couldn’t help it. She burst out laughing, as much with relief as anything else, because this was the Castle she knew, and she was so glad to have him back. Her shoulders were shaking with mirth, her other hand somehow coming to rest on the inside of his knee, and then she was looking into his eyes and his mouth was right there and her laughter stuttered to a stop as she lost all breath.
In an instant the mood shifted from teasing to the desire that always lay just under the surface of everything between them.
For endless moments they stared at each other, caught, suspended; unable to go forward, but way, way too late to go back.
“Kate?” Castle sounded almost surprised, his eyes wide. He was motionless for half a second until his other hand slowly moved up to ghost along the hair at her cheek, to gently tuck it behind her ear. His fingers trailed against her earlobe, the skin of her neck, and she couldn’t suppress a shiver.
Desire, the want that was always there but that she tried to keep tapped down, controlled, was surging up, and, oh God, his eyes, so hot, dropped to her lips as he shifted closer, his fingers still resting against her throat. Her fingers spasmed on his leg and she leaned forward, gone too far to stop herself, too far gone to worry if she was ready, too far to care.
She could feel his breath along her cheek, rapid puffs, and then his lips barely skimmed against her skin, close to her ear, as his fingers moved through her hair to curve around the nape of her neck. She lifted her head a fraction and then her lips were barely grazing his, so light, and -
Kate never heard the footsteps, but Castle must have, because he snatched his hands away from her and reared back in his chair, leaving her confused for an instant until she heard the doorknob rattle.
She was only halfway back in her seat, her hand still on Castle’s thigh, when the door slammed opened and Ryan skidded in. “Guys! Ferret sighting on the second floor!” He caught sight of them and stopped so abruptly he tripped over his own feet, knocking into the table.
“Oof. Sorry.” He pulled himself up, his eyes enormous and darting from her to Castle and back to her again. “Uhhh, am I interrupting something?”
Kate found that she couldn’t even speak, she was so stunned, the belated realization breaking over her that she had almost kissed Castle (omgomgomgomg) in the break room, where anyone could have walked in on them. She knew her eyes were like saucers, mirroring Ryan’s and basically giving them away. Beside her Castle was uncharacteristically silent. That was so strange that it was confirmation in and of itself.
“Okay then.” Ryan started backing towards the door when no one answered him. “I’m going….away.” He eased into the hallway, a smile slowly creeping over his face. “I’ll just close this door.”
The door snicked shut and Ryan was gone, no doubt on his way to initiate the email chain or text message alert system that kept everyone apprised of her and Castle’s relationship status for wagering purposes.
Kate felt the heat and the color in her face and knew she was blushing. If ever there was a moment to freak out, this was it. They were lucky that it had been Ryan. It could have been anyone, it could have been Gates, and then every worst case scenario she’d been imagining all day would have come true.
Not to mention that after running her hand up his inner thigh and leaning in so close that her breath had mingled with his, there was absolutely no way that Castle could possibly miss how badly she wanted him. She’d been so close, so tantalizingly close, that even now she could feel the phantom heat of his lips nearly touching hers, and she involuntarily raised her fingers to her mouth.
“Kate.”
Castle’s voice was strangled and resigned. He was getting ready to apologize, she could tell, and she had to stop him, wouldn’t be able to bear to hear it, because although she had every reason to regret what had just happened, every reason to be completely freaking out, the only thing she truly felt right now was frustration that they were in the break room and not his bedroom.
It would kill her if he didn’t feel the same way.
“Kate,” he tried again, and when she turned to look at him his face was like a punch in the stomach.
She was terrified she was going to see regret, but instead it was fear looking out from his eyes. Fear, and anxiety, and confusion, and underneath it all the faintest hint of hope. “Kate, please, I’m…”
“No.” Kate held up a hand to stop him as a revelation crashed over her, so obvious, so glaringly obvious, that she couldn’t believe her own stupidity.
Maybe he was just as scared of messing this up as she was. Maybe he, too, was terrified that he had just ruined everything. Maybe they wanted exactly the same thing.
“No, really, Kate…”
“Shhh.” Kate still had her hand up to keep him quiet, and he trailed off, sagging with misery and confusion.
Things had reached a breaking point for both of them, but they couldn’t do this here.
She forced herself to meet his eyes. “Look, we can’t talk about this now.”
“Okay.” Castle nodded, but she could see that he didn’t get it. “We don’t have to.” His voice was carefully neutral but the hope had faded from his eyes and his shoulders slumped, defeated.
“No, I mean…” God, always with the misunderstandings. Kate took a deep breath, looked right in his eyes, and reminded herself that the only way out was through.
“Castle, will you have dinner with me tonight?”