Yutaka falls in love [KaixShou] - One-shot
Title: Yutaka falls in love
Author: muohcu_t
Chapters: 1/1
Rating: PG-13. Maybe. Could use some guidelines at this point
Genre: Angst. Pure angst.
Parings: Kai (the GazettE) x Shou (alicenine)
Warnings: Possibly OOC
Disclaimer: I own only the plot. I make no money of this writing and I only do this for fun. Tatah~~
Synopsis: Yutaka has always thought he would marry one beautiful woman he will love and live happily ever after with her and their children. Though, life is tricky and Yutaka suddenly finds himself falling in love with one certain male vocalist.
Yutaka came home and did what he always did; make himself some food and sit down by the table and read today’s newspaper. Even though he once used to read them during his morning coffee, it became a ‘what-I-do-when-I-come-home’-thing because when the band started to have the crazy schedules, he just never found time to read them in the mornings. Somehow it made him slightly sad, for that was just one of the many drops in the sea of changes he had to make as GazettE grew. But he took it with a smile; it was his dream after all.
After he had updated himself with the happenings of the world, he usually did things that were necessary, such as cleaning, laundry, pay bills, grocery shopping, organize his budget and so on. If there weren’t any chores for him to do, he would usually find some anyway, or chores usually came to him. Like last week he had to go and buy a new refrigerator since his previous one had decided to shut down on him. It stressed him out, since he had to either throw out a bunch of food or stuff them down his throat all at once. Though, he had figured a solution; making the biggest, food-filled dinner party since he started cooking. And it had been successful, being that everyone had praised his food and company.
Though, today seemed like this chore-curse, as he himself called it, wasn’t keeping him as tightly tied as usually. So he settled to sit in front of the television, which rarely was even on. He never had the time to follow any series or dramas that went on the TV, and he almost always lost the late night news. Today, though, he got them, and he furrowed his brows as he heard and saw them. But he didn’t want to know too much. He had already read the newspaper. So instead he turned on to a different channel. A music channel, in fact. His ears met the sound waves of Mirror Ball, a song by alicenine. Kai had kind of always liked that PV by them. The water effects were really cool, and the slow motion somehow made it seem like they were all dancing in the water. It was beautiful, and so alicenine-like, really.
Yutaka found himself fascinated by how the guys played the instruments. Since the PV often took a close-up with the instruments in water, he found himself staring at the instruments rather than the people playing them (which Kai figured was probably the intention of it all). It was fascinating how the instruments moved in slow motion, especially the bass guitar. Though, it was different with the vocalist. Vocalists were always different. Their faces were always in focus, and this time it was no different. Yutaka was indeed focusing on Shou. His hair was light brown in this PV and it was slightly longer. His face sometimes seemed a bit more slender than what Yutaka recalled, but it was probably only his imagination. Because of the PV, his skin seemed very pale, almost dead. Actually, if Shou had lied still, Yutaka would have guessed he pretended to be dead. Yet, at the same time, with the music accompanying him, he seemed very much alive.
Actually, Yutaka found many things to admire the man for; the shape of his mouth, the round eyes of the other man and not to even speak of the other man’s voice. Yutaka thought that it was absolutely amazing. He had heard other songs by alicenine, and he had quickly grown an admiration for the singer’s voice. Even though drumming was at least just as good, Yutaka sometimes wished that he could get a chance being on the front of the stage, like the others did all the time. But Yutaka knew that you kind of had to have the persona for being a vocalist. He could see that in many bands, including his own.
After he had watched some shows for a couple of hours, Yutaka decided that he might as well go to bed early. Usually he wouldn’t do that. After he had done his chores, he usually would sit by his computer and work. That was of course if there was any. If there wasn’t, he would take a long bath to soothe him. During those times he would doze off slightly as he’d be lying there in the bathtub, only to be awakened whenever his head accidently dipped under the surface. He had guessed that someday his band mates would find him drowned in his own bathtub, but until that day he would relax one hundred percent during his baths.
When he fell asleep that night, he somehow found himself dreaming of one certain vocalist.
=*=*=*=*=
Several weeks later Yutaka found himself thinking of the same vocalist once again when his own band mates happened to be talking about the other band. They were discussing the new single they had released, and it hadn’t been long before Yutaka had jumped in the conversation as well, for he had pre-ordered the single weeks before the release date. Otherwise he knew he would forget it. But since he had been so good at remembering it (before forgetting it again until it suddenly appeared in his mail), he could now join in on the conversation.
Even though he did mention how cool the music was, he had still commented a tad bit more on the vocals and the lyrics, because those were the two vital things he had paid attention to. And it hadn’t even really been on purpose. He just had come to think of how great Shou’s voice sounded to the great music that surrounded it. It had made him wonder if Takanori’s voice sounded just as good at whatever they came up with. Even though Takanori’s and Shou’s voices were completely different from each other, Yutaka had imagined for a moment how Takanori would sound like in alicenine and how Shou would be in The GazettE. In the end he had to admit that they definitely were where they belonged, and it was fine like that (though, he also believed that if the vocalists were to change places, the music would somehow adapt to the new voice or vice versa).
It hadn’t been that remarkable, really. Yutaka just showed signs of what everyone else had noticed; Shou sounded really great in their new album. Maybe because of the compositions or because of Shou’s ability to adapt or both, for that matter. No one knew, probably not even themselves (for Yutaka knew that it wasn’t always as easy to analyse their own work with whys and whats). Slowly, though, Yutaka’s band members would find that that their drummer had indeed grown an interest in their fellow PS-band as they often found the drummer listening to their songs, both new and old. It wasn’t as if it was something new; the drummer always had times when he listened to one band more than any other band. He would never say that he had a favourite band, and if he said he had, it would be the one band he listened to the most at that time, and that band could easily be replaced by another band just a month later.
Though, to the others it seemed like alicenine had really gotten stuck in the drummer’s mind, especially the male vocalist. The way the drummer kept on mentioning about the latest interview, the new photo-shoot and the upcoming single and so on definitely was noticed by the other members. In the end Takanori had given Yutaka a ticket to a concert of them. “Thought you’d maybe like it. I was thinking of going there myself, so I talked with our manager if he couldn’t fix us some tickets,” Takanori had said and Yutaka had accepted it. He had hesitated a bit, thinking of work and such, but Takanori promised that he had worked it all out, so he decided not to worry.
Yutaka had thought the concert was just great. The band had been energetic like always and it had made him quite hyped up as well. He had been happy to know that Takanori had enjoyed himself too. They were excitingly talking about the concert and all the little happenings in it as they headed for a restaurant to get something to eat. Even though the food arrived the conversation never once went dead. Even though they had started repeating some moments over and over again, it didn’t matter at all. Yutaka wondered if that was how the fans felt after a GazettE-concert as well. Probably he figured, considering all the fan-mails he received.
They sat for themselves a while longer before suddenly some figures appeared by them. “Well, look at this, Tora! The GazettE!” the guitarist known as Hiroto said while laughing. “I take it you enjoyed our concert?” Tora smirked, revealing that they had indeed heard what the two of GazettE had been talking about. Though, The GazettE only smiled and nodded. “Enjoyed indeed,” Takanori said. “May we join you guys? Haven’t talked to you since forever!” the alicenine vocalist said as he stood by the two guitarists with the rest of the alicenine-pack. The GazettEs only nodded and made some room for the others.
They all shared laughs and enjoyed themselves. Yutaka, who was sitting next to one certain singer, couldn’t help but notice that Shou was indeed as great as he had imagined. The other vocalist had a great smile and was really friendly. It wasn’t just once that Shou had talked to Yutaka. The drummer had found that he and the vocalist got along great. Though, the vocalist seemed that he could get along with everyone if he just tried and was willing, and right now it seemed like the vocalist was always willing to get more friends.
But suddenly when Shou turned and smiled at Yutaka, he felt his heart jump.
=*=*=*=*=
Yutaka wasn’t ignorant. He knew very well what that feeling in his heart was, and he wasn’t sure he was too comfortable with it. He had always imagined that he would get a wife someday and have kids and be a dad and all that. Yet, it’s strange how the heart works sometimes. He had a hard time to calm himself down that night, but it was almost impossible to fall asleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he would imagine Shou before forcing himself to stop thinking about him, but it is actually quite impossible to try to force you not to think of something. Or rather; someone. And Yutaka knew all too well what this meant.
Yutaka was crushing, and he was crushing hard.
It is very strange how other people are very ignorant to other people. Yutaka figured this whenever he was at practise. Whenever people were talking about alicenine or anything close to the fantastic singer, Yutaka would feel a storm hitting the shores of his mind. Yet, no one seemed to notice. It was very strange, Yutaka figured, and it made him wonder if the other guys had ever felt as troubled as he had. Well, it was very easy to figure whenever Aoi was troubled, but the others seemed always the same. Not always the exact same, but it never seemed like they were as troubled as he was right now. But in the end Yutaka wouldn’t know unless they told them, right?
Though, at one point people around you will notice whenever you’re troubled. Either you’re losing weight or not sleeping, your physical condition will change the more you worry. Yutaka’s body was no different, and he started losing sleep. At night he would toss and turn restlessly before he would give up. Instead he would watch movies to try to think of something else. Usually it worked and he would fall asleep around 3 AM. Though, the days were hard whenever he had to wake up early for an early meeting, and the others noticed so too. Yutaka had never had sleep troubles that affected his body as much as now. But whenever his band mates confronted him, he would pick one crappy excuse from a pile of trash, and he was amazed that they fell for it.
Yutaka was amazed that the others hadn’t noticed his weird changes. He had started to imagine how it would be to kiss alicenine’s vocalist. Surely that was strange and noticeable. Though, Yutaka was happy no one knew. He wouldn’t know what to do if the others found out of his secret crush. He didn’t know what their reactions might be. Sure, they had all stated they had nothing against gay people or anything like that, but it was always different when your friend suddenly turns gay. It made Yutaka nervous and slightly frightened. Even though he knew that they were all friends and had each other’s backs, he couldn’t help but think that the others might freak out. He didn’t want their friendship to change. He wanted them to continue being happy with each other, and not awkward. Besides; Yutaka wasn’t even sure he was gay. So far he was only crushing, and crushes come and go! Shou might just go as quickly as he came.
With that thought in mind, Yutaka had decided not to tell anyone of it yet. It was simply too soon, and nothing was certain. His heart could easily be tricking him. The thought made Yutaka chuckle: what a bad jokester his heart was, pulling off a prank like that. His heart could not have any taste in humour if it decided to jump when he saw Shou walking down the hallway and towards him. Yutaka suddenly found himself being nervous and uncertain: How was he supposed to act? Luckily Yutaka was left with no time to think as Shou had already stopped right in front of him.
“Good day, Kai-san,” Shou greeted with a fantastic smile. Yutaka couldn’t help but smile himself. “Good day,” he greeted while nearly tearing his face apart with his smile. Shou smirked at him: “Did something good happen to you?” Yutaka wasn’t quite sure what Shou spoke of, and he pulled a mask of confusion. “You just seem to smile extra brightly today. Not that you always do,” Shou explained to the confused drummer. Though, the explanation made Yutaka hot in his face and he smiled an embarrassing smile. “Ah, nothing really,” he said, but it wasn’t rather convincing. Therefore Yutaka quickly dropped a question as to avoid the previous topic: “So… What are you doing here?” Shou chuckled, but he still responded.
They spoke for a couple of minutes like that, exchanging news about pets and family and whatnot. Yutaka rather enjoyed talking with Shou. Even though he felt slightly awkward at times, it didn’t feel bad. The conversation was flowing naturally and without unnecessary breaks. So Yutaka didn’t think much about it when Shou invited him for lunch. He had only thought that yes, he was hungry and the company was nice. It wasn’t before they entered the restaurant and when Shou teasingly opened the door for him as if he was a gentleman that his heart decided to jump like mad. As they had ordered and waited for the food, his previous wonderings returned which again resulted in him staring at the lips of the other.
Yutaka hated that he had ruined it for himself. He was struggling now to act cool and his part of the conversation was more strained. Though, it didn’t seem like Shou noticed anything, so Yutaka thought he just had to keep it up. He found himself still enjoying Shou’s company, if not even more than before. Even if he was speaking awkwardly, he liked being with the other. It was nice and gave him this warm feeling. Shou was such a nice guy as well, it was impossible to not be bewitched.
As they parted ways, Yutaka could only think of one thing: His band mates had definitely the right to know what was going on.
=*=*=*=*=
As Yutaka sat down on the couch he sighed. They had taken a break from practise and he had been left alone. Yutaka wasn’t sure where the others went, but they probably went for a smoke or the toilet or something. It wasn’t important. Whenever they came back, he would drop the bomb. The whole thing made him nervous, but he knew he had to tell someone. He didn’t like to keep something for himself. It burdened him being alone with it all. He needed to have people around him who understood him and cared for him, maybe even give some good advice for what he could do.
Moments passed and the others came in one by one. Yutaka told them to sit down for he had something he had to tell. Akira and Takanori exchanged confused looks while Yuu threw a worried glance at Yutaka. Kouyou held the most neutral expression he had as he sat down. Yutaka knew they would react like that. Whenever he had something serious to tell them, Akira and Takanori would be confused, wondering if it was about them and something they had done. Yuu would worry, for he always worried for his friends. Kouyou would always prepare for the worst and therefore being as neutral as possible.
Yutaka sighed before he began: “I’ve been struggling with something these past few weeks.” The others listened to him. Akira had thrown away the confusion and was now focusing on Yutaka. Takanori had also left behind the confusion, but he held a more worried expression, like Yuu did. So far, so good, Yutaka thought. He knew he wasn’t going to be kicked out of the band, at least. They seemed to care too much.
“It’s just that I…”
He hesitated. Even though he knew it was definitely too late to turn back now, for he had already caught the others’ attention. It was tempting, though. He had been so sure and confident just moments ago, but his courage decreased by the second. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea at all? Was he being silly? If he was silly, then why was he feeling so insecure and unconfident? Surely there was a good reason for these feelings. One was never silly to seek help and support.
Yutaka took a deep breath before he spoke up, his voice being strained and forced. “I’m in love!” he exclaimed, making the room turn silent. He didn’t look at the others, his gaze being fixed on the wooden coffee table right in front of him. If there were any stains, he didn’t notice them, for he wasn’t focusing on the table at all even if his gaze was intensely set on it. He was awaiting a response of any kind, for anything was better than silence. Though, the response he received was unexpected. “That’s great!” Yuu exclaimed and hit his back. “Sheesh, here I thought someone had died,” Akira joked before smiling slyly at Yutaka. The drummer was confused. Surely they hadn’t taken it so well?
But soon Yutaka understood why. When Yuu asked who the lucky girl was, he realized he had left one bit of information out. For a moment he had to discuss with himself about whether or not he should tell the last bit of information at all. They took it so well thinking it was a girl he was in love with - he could easily slip away with this. But Yutaka wouldn’t have been completely honest then, would he? Besides: his band mates deserved to know.
So when Yuu hit him once again on the back, teasing him about the girl being crazy, he abruptly rose from his seat. He pulled a frown, clearly signalizing that there was something wrong. Takanori spoke gently as he asked what was wrong. Yutaka sighed before he sat down again. “I’m in love… with a man,” he said as he furrowed his brows, making the silence fill the room. He didn’t like the lack of response. Again he stared at the coffee table, but he could feel their gazes on him. They probably looked at him as if he was a monster. Oh, God, had he ruined it all? Would they ever be comfortable around him again? Had he completely wasted their friendship by this stupid love of his?
Seconds felt like years before Akira finally broke the silence: “Like I said: Here I thought someone died.” Yutaka looked up to find a smirking bassist before him. He couldn’t believe it. Akira had just joked it off. “Yeah, Yuta’. Next time you want to go all serious could you please come up with something better than that?” Kouyou joked as well. Yutaka looked at him. The guitarist smiled gently at him, as if to let him know that he was there for him. Yuu hit him on the back then: “You didn’t tell us who it was! Who is it?”
Yutaka was so taken aback that he didn’t quite know how to respond. This was definitely not what he had expected. He had expected… Well, a much worse response. Takanori read him like a book. “Did you really think we would stab you in the back just because you’re gay?” he said, an edge of anger affecting his speech. Now Yutaka felt silly. Of course they wouldn’t let him down! It wasn’t as if he’d let any of them down if they turned out to be gay. They were friends, weren’t they?
Yuu hit the head of the nail as he hit him once more: “You silly goose!” Yutaka could only nod and smile: “Yeah…”
=*=*=*=*=
Even though his band mates had pestered him about whom it could be, he hadn’t said a word. He didn’t want to somehow “dirty” their picture of Shou just because of his love for him. Shou didn’t deserve it and Yutaka didn’t want it either for the other man. So Yutaka had not said anything about who it was, even if the other guys tried to pry it out of him all the time. Yuu seemed especially keen on finding out who it was, but Yutaka had not yet said a word. After a while also Yuu gave up on trying to find out, the subject being too boring for him already.
Yutaka, though, felt like he was being haunted. His dreams had started to revolve around Shou. Because of that Yutaka would come to work being sleep deprived and frustrated. Still, he would drown himself in work in hope to start thinking about something else and forget about Shou. This resulted with him being stressed on top of it all. Yet, the worst part of it was that it didn’t work. No matter what he did, he ended up being more exhausted than ever, yet still thinking about Shou. Nothing seemed to be able to stop him.
But telling the others had turned out to be a blessing. As frustrated as Yutaka was, he had now someone to turn to. They were all there to listen if he needed to talk. It made Yutaka think that he was really blessed to have such great friends, even though it was still quite embarrassing. Takanori tried to push him to confront Shou with his feelings. Yuu did really push him often. Akira and Kouyou both didn’t seem to know what words would fit this situation, so they only cheered for him to be strong. And Yutaka was thankful for the comforting words from all of them, especially Akira and Kouyou’s words of encouragement. He knew he had to be strong.
Yutaka had realized he had two options: to confront Shou or not. If he did confront Shou, he would most likely receive a rejection, possibly causing his heart to break. He didn’t want that. It was painful and discouraging for future crushes. Though, he knew that if he did not confront the other, he would continue with the sleepless nights for weeks or months even. He would always wonder and ask ‘What if’s. Possibly every time he would pass by Shou in the hallway those thoughts would show up, dug up again from his deepest chamber of throughts. He could end up wondering for years without ever getting an answer.
So Yutaka made a choice. He would confront Shou.
He had planned it out perfectly. He would ask the other if he wanted to join for a dinner out and when they’d be walking home, he would drop the bomb. Simple, clean and easy to remember. But Yutaka was not naïve. He knew that throughout the dinner he would struggle to keep his cool. The nervousness and fear of getting a rejection would try to pull him back, but his heart told him differently. Even though his heart had been broken before, it would always somehow find the courage to whisper to him “Maybe this time…”
And so he asked the vocalist to join him for a dinner. It would be as casual as it could get. The work had ended and he just happened to meet the vocalist in the elevator. The vocalist smiled, making his heart melt. “Sure! I’m actually starving,” he told the drummer. Yutaka nodded, mumbling something about being hungry as well, but he wasn’t. He was so nervous he wondered if it showed at all. It felt like he was constantly fidgeting and shaking, but the other didn’t seem to notice at all. Beautiful Shou just kept talking about his day, and Yutaka nodded and smiled whenever the vocalist smiled, for he did not actually listen at all. He truly had no idea of what the vocalist was speaking of. The fear was pulling at his crazy heart, but he could only try and smile and make some sort of a comment here and there.
And Yutaka was no different when they entered the restaurant either. He sat across from Shou somewhere in the back of the small restaurant. They were currently looking at the menu. Yutaka was probably focusing a tad bit too much in Shou instead of the menu, but as the waitress came he quickly just picked the first thing he saw. He wasn’t even sure he liked it, but he played it cool all the way. It made him somehow wonder if he should have been an actor instead of a drummer, but he soon tossed that thought away as he thought of the weird dramas he had seen on the television. Surely that was not for someone like him.
Yutaka somehow pulled himself together as they ate. It was as if the food gave him the energy to keep a more natural paced conversation with the other, and soon he was laughing with the other wholeheartedly instead of forcing a laugh that didn’t even belong to him. It was fun being with Shou. He didn’t want to let go of it. Therefore he was so scared what the reaction would be whenever he decided to tell, for he had to tell him. He had decided that already. There was no turning back now anymore.
They finished eating and started heading towards their cars that were still parked by the PSC building. As the seconds ticked by, Yutaka began to get more and more nervous again. He thought of backing out, but that was out of the question. He knew that, but still the thought was so tempting. It had to be at least ten times worse than telling his band mates that he was in love with someone who had a dick. Somehow his heart that had been so encouraging earlier was now begging him to run away, panicking within his chest, as if it wanted to get out of the cage of ribs. Yutaka tried his best to calm his heart down by taking deep breaths, but there were really no solutions for fear after all.
Yutaka wondered how he was supposed to approach the other. There seemed to be thousands of opportunities to talk, but somehow they never fit either. Whenever Yutaka opened his mouth after finally gathered enough courage, Shou brought up some story from when he had visited the convenience store or something along those lines, and Yutaka had to retreat. He constantly kept asking himself “Now?” and even Shou noticed it. “Are you ok, Kai? You haven’t said much since we got out of that restaurant,” he said, which only made Yutaka’s heart jump in fear. “No, everything’s fine,” he quickly replied, and Shou had only nodded; “If you say so…”
It wasn’t until they finally reached the parking lot they stopped. Shou turned to the drummer and smiled, melting Yutaka’s heart in the process. “Well, I will be going,” he said, but then dropped his smile and continued; “Are you sure you’re alright? You’ve been acting kind of weird throughout the whole dinner, now that I think about it.” At that moment Yutaka wished he had known sooner that he wasn’t as good at covering his feelings as he thought he was. Yutaka shook his head, even though his heart screamed at him, telling this was his best shot. It screamed even louder when Shou said a quick “later” before turning towards his car.
And Yutaka watched him look for his keys before he turned around and waved with a smile. Yutaka shouted then; “Wait!” and he jogged over towards the other who had already reached his own car. The vocalist looked confused and even more worried, and Yutaka’s heart clenched. Yutaka frowned at himself. Shou, the caring Shou, placed a hand on Yutaka’s shoulder. Yutaka stiffened up slightly, and Shou frowned. “Is everything ok, Kai? You can tell me if anything’s troubling you,” he said and Yutaka bit his lip. “Eehm..,” he hesitated, but Shou kept looking at him with that concerned look of his.
“I’m having a bit issues,” Yutaka started, trying not to swallow his words. “What issues?” Shou asked. Yutaka hesitated some more. He looked at Shou’s car, but he couldn’t have told the colour of it even if you asked. He was so nervous. “Romantic issues,” Yutaka continued in the end before he swallowed. Yutaka couldn’t see it, but if he had looked at Shou at that moment he would have seen the slightly surprised look he had, but Shou quickly pulled himself together. “Go on,” he said to the drummer, who by now seemed to be close to fainting.
And the drummer really was close to fainting. He thought so at least. He felt lightheaded, as if he had drunk too much alcohol, yet at the same time he felt really, really, really sober. Somehow he wished he had ordered a bottle of wine instead of a bottle of water, but there really was nothing he could do since he had a car to bring home. So there he was, lightheaded and near fainting, trying to make the hardest confession he had ever made. God, he felt like such a girl, getting all worked up about the issue. Well, maybe he was a girl, falling in love with a guy like that…
He took in a shaky breath. “I’m in love,” he finally said. He felt the knot in his throat tighten; now it was done. Now there really was no turning back. God, how he regretted it already. He was such an idiot. What would it help if he told Shou what he really felt about him? Surely Shou was NOT in love with him like he was in Shou. God, he was an idiot. A huge, stupid idiot who couldn’t keep his mouth shut!
But Shou smiled at him; “That’s great! Who’s the lucky girl?”
It was then Yutaka realized that he had left out the most important part of his confession. He made the same mistake as with his bandmates, keeping the most important bit out of the confession. Only two words had been left out, yet it was enough for Shou to never get what he really meant. It made him sigh, making Shou confused and crease his eyebrows. When Yutaka noticed it, he panicked. He didn’t know how to row himself to shore, save himself. He had already gotten so far, and surely Shou couldn’t understand what was so wrong with him being in love. After all; Shou thought he was in love with a girl.
Yutaka bit his lips; “Nevermind,” he said and smiled his charming smile everyone fell for, except for Shou. He turned around, facing away from Shou. He felt tears prickling in his eyes, but he refused to cry. Wasn’t he stupid, backing out like that? A goddamned chicken, that’s what he was. An idiot and a chicken. Shou would never know how he felt about him anymore. The moment was gone, and Yutaka knew it so bitterly.
But before Yutaka had the chance to walk away, his arm was grabbed. “Kai,” Shou began. Yutaka didn’t dare face him. His heart was beating wildly, his thoughts running wild, but at the same time he didn’t know what to think. A part of him was frightened as hell, thinking that Shou had somehow figured it out and was about to beat the crap out of him by using cruel words. Another part of him was hoping that Shou was in love with him and wanted to confess. Even though he knew the chances were so small, he still hoped for them so much, only because he didn’t have the courage himself.
But his hopes were soon crushed. “If you need to talk,” Shou said sincerely; “you can always talk to me.”
It was as if Yutaka could hear his own heart hit the bottom of a deep, dark valley. He hung his head as he cursed himself for having such silly hopes as Shou confessing to him. As if that would happen! Shou was a man, and as far as he knew, Shou was also heterosexual. God, he was so stupid, wasn’t he? He knew this all along, and yet here he was at the scene of his failed confession. He could be the star of a drama, really! His life was so fucked up that other people would surely find it entertaining. His stupidity surely was entertaining enough. He should have been a comedian instead of a drummer.
Yutaka breathing got harder as he beat himself up mentally. It was harder to keep the tears in check. He felt his eyelids get stuffed with salty tears, but he still kept them in his eyes. He breathed louder, though, and he was sure that Shou was wearing his worried expression. Yet, he did not look back. He surely would cry then. He shook the arm off of him, making Shou more confused in the process. Then he said a quick goodnight before he quickly got to his own car and drove off.
It was only when he was in his own apartment after locking the door he let his tears run free. And he cried for a good while too. It wasn’t before he felt himself getting dry before he realized that he should be going to bed. And so he got up from the floor, took off his shoes and jacket before going to the bathroom and monotonously brush his teeth.
As he lied down in bed, he began to wonder what would happen if he hadn’t backed out.
Bitterly, he knew he would wonder about that for the rest of his life.
Author's note:
God, I've worked on this for at least a year. Finally done!
Though, I think the ending was a bit rushed. Blergh, whatever...
I don't have time to write. And when I do, I don't have the inspiration. It's a bloody curse, I know.
Author: muohcu_t
Chapters: 1/1
Rating: PG-13. Maybe. Could use some guidelines at this point
Genre: Angst. Pure angst.
Parings: Kai (the GazettE) x Shou (alicenine)
Warnings: Possibly OOC
Disclaimer: I own only the plot. I make no money of this writing and I only do this for fun. Tatah~~
Synopsis: Yutaka has always thought he would marry one beautiful woman he will love and live happily ever after with her and their children. Though, life is tricky and Yutaka suddenly finds himself falling in love with one certain male vocalist.
Yutaka came home and did what he always did; make himself some food and sit down by the table and read today’s newspaper. Even though he once used to read them during his morning coffee, it became a ‘what-I-do-when-I-come-home’-thing because when the band started to have the crazy schedules, he just never found time to read them in the mornings. Somehow it made him slightly sad, for that was just one of the many drops in the sea of changes he had to make as GazettE grew. But he took it with a smile; it was his dream after all.
After he had updated himself with the happenings of the world, he usually did things that were necessary, such as cleaning, laundry, pay bills, grocery shopping, organize his budget and so on. If there weren’t any chores for him to do, he would usually find some anyway, or chores usually came to him. Like last week he had to go and buy a new refrigerator since his previous one had decided to shut down on him. It stressed him out, since he had to either throw out a bunch of food or stuff them down his throat all at once. Though, he had figured a solution; making the biggest, food-filled dinner party since he started cooking. And it had been successful, being that everyone had praised his food and company.
Though, today seemed like this chore-curse, as he himself called it, wasn’t keeping him as tightly tied as usually. So he settled to sit in front of the television, which rarely was even on. He never had the time to follow any series or dramas that went on the TV, and he almost always lost the late night news. Today, though, he got them, and he furrowed his brows as he heard and saw them. But he didn’t want to know too much. He had already read the newspaper. So instead he turned on to a different channel. A music channel, in fact. His ears met the sound waves of Mirror Ball, a song by alicenine. Kai had kind of always liked that PV by them. The water effects were really cool, and the slow motion somehow made it seem like they were all dancing in the water. It was beautiful, and so alicenine-like, really.
Yutaka found himself fascinated by how the guys played the instruments. Since the PV often took a close-up with the instruments in water, he found himself staring at the instruments rather than the people playing them (which Kai figured was probably the intention of it all). It was fascinating how the instruments moved in slow motion, especially the bass guitar. Though, it was different with the vocalist. Vocalists were always different. Their faces were always in focus, and this time it was no different. Yutaka was indeed focusing on Shou. His hair was light brown in this PV and it was slightly longer. His face sometimes seemed a bit more slender than what Yutaka recalled, but it was probably only his imagination. Because of the PV, his skin seemed very pale, almost dead. Actually, if Shou had lied still, Yutaka would have guessed he pretended to be dead. Yet, at the same time, with the music accompanying him, he seemed very much alive.
Actually, Yutaka found many things to admire the man for; the shape of his mouth, the round eyes of the other man and not to even speak of the other man’s voice. Yutaka thought that it was absolutely amazing. He had heard other songs by alicenine, and he had quickly grown an admiration for the singer’s voice. Even though drumming was at least just as good, Yutaka sometimes wished that he could get a chance being on the front of the stage, like the others did all the time. But Yutaka knew that you kind of had to have the persona for being a vocalist. He could see that in many bands, including his own.
After he had watched some shows for a couple of hours, Yutaka decided that he might as well go to bed early. Usually he wouldn’t do that. After he had done his chores, he usually would sit by his computer and work. That was of course if there was any. If there wasn’t, he would take a long bath to soothe him. During those times he would doze off slightly as he’d be lying there in the bathtub, only to be awakened whenever his head accidently dipped under the surface. He had guessed that someday his band mates would find him drowned in his own bathtub, but until that day he would relax one hundred percent during his baths.
When he fell asleep that night, he somehow found himself dreaming of one certain vocalist.
=*=*=*=*=
Several weeks later Yutaka found himself thinking of the same vocalist once again when his own band mates happened to be talking about the other band. They were discussing the new single they had released, and it hadn’t been long before Yutaka had jumped in the conversation as well, for he had pre-ordered the single weeks before the release date. Otherwise he knew he would forget it. But since he had been so good at remembering it (before forgetting it again until it suddenly appeared in his mail), he could now join in on the conversation.
Even though he did mention how cool the music was, he had still commented a tad bit more on the vocals and the lyrics, because those were the two vital things he had paid attention to. And it hadn’t even really been on purpose. He just had come to think of how great Shou’s voice sounded to the great music that surrounded it. It had made him wonder if Takanori’s voice sounded just as good at whatever they came up with. Even though Takanori’s and Shou’s voices were completely different from each other, Yutaka had imagined for a moment how Takanori would sound like in alicenine and how Shou would be in The GazettE. In the end he had to admit that they definitely were where they belonged, and it was fine like that (though, he also believed that if the vocalists were to change places, the music would somehow adapt to the new voice or vice versa).
It hadn’t been that remarkable, really. Yutaka just showed signs of what everyone else had noticed; Shou sounded really great in their new album. Maybe because of the compositions or because of Shou’s ability to adapt or both, for that matter. No one knew, probably not even themselves (for Yutaka knew that it wasn’t always as easy to analyse their own work with whys and whats). Slowly, though, Yutaka’s band members would find that that their drummer had indeed grown an interest in their fellow PS-band as they often found the drummer listening to their songs, both new and old. It wasn’t as if it was something new; the drummer always had times when he listened to one band more than any other band. He would never say that he had a favourite band, and if he said he had, it would be the one band he listened to the most at that time, and that band could easily be replaced by another band just a month later.
Though, to the others it seemed like alicenine had really gotten stuck in the drummer’s mind, especially the male vocalist. The way the drummer kept on mentioning about the latest interview, the new photo-shoot and the upcoming single and so on definitely was noticed by the other members. In the end Takanori had given Yutaka a ticket to a concert of them. “Thought you’d maybe like it. I was thinking of going there myself, so I talked with our manager if he couldn’t fix us some tickets,” Takanori had said and Yutaka had accepted it. He had hesitated a bit, thinking of work and such, but Takanori promised that he had worked it all out, so he decided not to worry.
Yutaka had thought the concert was just great. The band had been energetic like always and it had made him quite hyped up as well. He had been happy to know that Takanori had enjoyed himself too. They were excitingly talking about the concert and all the little happenings in it as they headed for a restaurant to get something to eat. Even though the food arrived the conversation never once went dead. Even though they had started repeating some moments over and over again, it didn’t matter at all. Yutaka wondered if that was how the fans felt after a GazettE-concert as well. Probably he figured, considering all the fan-mails he received.
They sat for themselves a while longer before suddenly some figures appeared by them. “Well, look at this, Tora! The GazettE!” the guitarist known as Hiroto said while laughing. “I take it you enjoyed our concert?” Tora smirked, revealing that they had indeed heard what the two of GazettE had been talking about. Though, The GazettE only smiled and nodded. “Enjoyed indeed,” Takanori said. “May we join you guys? Haven’t talked to you since forever!” the alicenine vocalist said as he stood by the two guitarists with the rest of the alicenine-pack. The GazettEs only nodded and made some room for the others.
They all shared laughs and enjoyed themselves. Yutaka, who was sitting next to one certain singer, couldn’t help but notice that Shou was indeed as great as he had imagined. The other vocalist had a great smile and was really friendly. It wasn’t just once that Shou had talked to Yutaka. The drummer had found that he and the vocalist got along great. Though, the vocalist seemed that he could get along with everyone if he just tried and was willing, and right now it seemed like the vocalist was always willing to get more friends.
But suddenly when Shou turned and smiled at Yutaka, he felt his heart jump.
=*=*=*=*=
Yutaka wasn’t ignorant. He knew very well what that feeling in his heart was, and he wasn’t sure he was too comfortable with it. He had always imagined that he would get a wife someday and have kids and be a dad and all that. Yet, it’s strange how the heart works sometimes. He had a hard time to calm himself down that night, but it was almost impossible to fall asleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he would imagine Shou before forcing himself to stop thinking about him, but it is actually quite impossible to try to force you not to think of something. Or rather; someone. And Yutaka knew all too well what this meant.
Yutaka was crushing, and he was crushing hard.
It is very strange how other people are very ignorant to other people. Yutaka figured this whenever he was at practise. Whenever people were talking about alicenine or anything close to the fantastic singer, Yutaka would feel a storm hitting the shores of his mind. Yet, no one seemed to notice. It was very strange, Yutaka figured, and it made him wonder if the other guys had ever felt as troubled as he had. Well, it was very easy to figure whenever Aoi was troubled, but the others seemed always the same. Not always the exact same, but it never seemed like they were as troubled as he was right now. But in the end Yutaka wouldn’t know unless they told them, right?
Though, at one point people around you will notice whenever you’re troubled. Either you’re losing weight or not sleeping, your physical condition will change the more you worry. Yutaka’s body was no different, and he started losing sleep. At night he would toss and turn restlessly before he would give up. Instead he would watch movies to try to think of something else. Usually it worked and he would fall asleep around 3 AM. Though, the days were hard whenever he had to wake up early for an early meeting, and the others noticed so too. Yutaka had never had sleep troubles that affected his body as much as now. But whenever his band mates confronted him, he would pick one crappy excuse from a pile of trash, and he was amazed that they fell for it.
Yutaka was amazed that the others hadn’t noticed his weird changes. He had started to imagine how it would be to kiss alicenine’s vocalist. Surely that was strange and noticeable. Though, Yutaka was happy no one knew. He wouldn’t know what to do if the others found out of his secret crush. He didn’t know what their reactions might be. Sure, they had all stated they had nothing against gay people or anything like that, but it was always different when your friend suddenly turns gay. It made Yutaka nervous and slightly frightened. Even though he knew that they were all friends and had each other’s backs, he couldn’t help but think that the others might freak out. He didn’t want their friendship to change. He wanted them to continue being happy with each other, and not awkward. Besides; Yutaka wasn’t even sure he was gay. So far he was only crushing, and crushes come and go! Shou might just go as quickly as he came.
With that thought in mind, Yutaka had decided not to tell anyone of it yet. It was simply too soon, and nothing was certain. His heart could easily be tricking him. The thought made Yutaka chuckle: what a bad jokester his heart was, pulling off a prank like that. His heart could not have any taste in humour if it decided to jump when he saw Shou walking down the hallway and towards him. Yutaka suddenly found himself being nervous and uncertain: How was he supposed to act? Luckily Yutaka was left with no time to think as Shou had already stopped right in front of him.
“Good day, Kai-san,” Shou greeted with a fantastic smile. Yutaka couldn’t help but smile himself. “Good day,” he greeted while nearly tearing his face apart with his smile. Shou smirked at him: “Did something good happen to you?” Yutaka wasn’t quite sure what Shou spoke of, and he pulled a mask of confusion. “You just seem to smile extra brightly today. Not that you always do,” Shou explained to the confused drummer. Though, the explanation made Yutaka hot in his face and he smiled an embarrassing smile. “Ah, nothing really,” he said, but it wasn’t rather convincing. Therefore Yutaka quickly dropped a question as to avoid the previous topic: “So… What are you doing here?” Shou chuckled, but he still responded.
They spoke for a couple of minutes like that, exchanging news about pets and family and whatnot. Yutaka rather enjoyed talking with Shou. Even though he felt slightly awkward at times, it didn’t feel bad. The conversation was flowing naturally and without unnecessary breaks. So Yutaka didn’t think much about it when Shou invited him for lunch. He had only thought that yes, he was hungry and the company was nice. It wasn’t before they entered the restaurant and when Shou teasingly opened the door for him as if he was a gentleman that his heart decided to jump like mad. As they had ordered and waited for the food, his previous wonderings returned which again resulted in him staring at the lips of the other.
Yutaka hated that he had ruined it for himself. He was struggling now to act cool and his part of the conversation was more strained. Though, it didn’t seem like Shou noticed anything, so Yutaka thought he just had to keep it up. He found himself still enjoying Shou’s company, if not even more than before. Even if he was speaking awkwardly, he liked being with the other. It was nice and gave him this warm feeling. Shou was such a nice guy as well, it was impossible to not be bewitched.
As they parted ways, Yutaka could only think of one thing: His band mates had definitely the right to know what was going on.
=*=*=*=*=
As Yutaka sat down on the couch he sighed. They had taken a break from practise and he had been left alone. Yutaka wasn’t sure where the others went, but they probably went for a smoke or the toilet or something. It wasn’t important. Whenever they came back, he would drop the bomb. The whole thing made him nervous, but he knew he had to tell someone. He didn’t like to keep something for himself. It burdened him being alone with it all. He needed to have people around him who understood him and cared for him, maybe even give some good advice for what he could do.
Moments passed and the others came in one by one. Yutaka told them to sit down for he had something he had to tell. Akira and Takanori exchanged confused looks while Yuu threw a worried glance at Yutaka. Kouyou held the most neutral expression he had as he sat down. Yutaka knew they would react like that. Whenever he had something serious to tell them, Akira and Takanori would be confused, wondering if it was about them and something they had done. Yuu would worry, for he always worried for his friends. Kouyou would always prepare for the worst and therefore being as neutral as possible.
Yutaka sighed before he began: “I’ve been struggling with something these past few weeks.” The others listened to him. Akira had thrown away the confusion and was now focusing on Yutaka. Takanori had also left behind the confusion, but he held a more worried expression, like Yuu did. So far, so good, Yutaka thought. He knew he wasn’t going to be kicked out of the band, at least. They seemed to care too much.
“It’s just that I…”
He hesitated. Even though he knew it was definitely too late to turn back now, for he had already caught the others’ attention. It was tempting, though. He had been so sure and confident just moments ago, but his courage decreased by the second. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea at all? Was he being silly? If he was silly, then why was he feeling so insecure and unconfident? Surely there was a good reason for these feelings. One was never silly to seek help and support.
Yutaka took a deep breath before he spoke up, his voice being strained and forced. “I’m in love!” he exclaimed, making the room turn silent. He didn’t look at the others, his gaze being fixed on the wooden coffee table right in front of him. If there were any stains, he didn’t notice them, for he wasn’t focusing on the table at all even if his gaze was intensely set on it. He was awaiting a response of any kind, for anything was better than silence. Though, the response he received was unexpected. “That’s great!” Yuu exclaimed and hit his back. “Sheesh, here I thought someone had died,” Akira joked before smiling slyly at Yutaka. The drummer was confused. Surely they hadn’t taken it so well?
But soon Yutaka understood why. When Yuu asked who the lucky girl was, he realized he had left one bit of information out. For a moment he had to discuss with himself about whether or not he should tell the last bit of information at all. They took it so well thinking it was a girl he was in love with - he could easily slip away with this. But Yutaka wouldn’t have been completely honest then, would he? Besides: his band mates deserved to know.
So when Yuu hit him once again on the back, teasing him about the girl being crazy, he abruptly rose from his seat. He pulled a frown, clearly signalizing that there was something wrong. Takanori spoke gently as he asked what was wrong. Yutaka sighed before he sat down again. “I’m in love… with a man,” he said as he furrowed his brows, making the silence fill the room. He didn’t like the lack of response. Again he stared at the coffee table, but he could feel their gazes on him. They probably looked at him as if he was a monster. Oh, God, had he ruined it all? Would they ever be comfortable around him again? Had he completely wasted their friendship by this stupid love of his?
Seconds felt like years before Akira finally broke the silence: “Like I said: Here I thought someone died.” Yutaka looked up to find a smirking bassist before him. He couldn’t believe it. Akira had just joked it off. “Yeah, Yuta’. Next time you want to go all serious could you please come up with something better than that?” Kouyou joked as well. Yutaka looked at him. The guitarist smiled gently at him, as if to let him know that he was there for him. Yuu hit him on the back then: “You didn’t tell us who it was! Who is it?”
Yutaka was so taken aback that he didn’t quite know how to respond. This was definitely not what he had expected. He had expected… Well, a much worse response. Takanori read him like a book. “Did you really think we would stab you in the back just because you’re gay?” he said, an edge of anger affecting his speech. Now Yutaka felt silly. Of course they wouldn’t let him down! It wasn’t as if he’d let any of them down if they turned out to be gay. They were friends, weren’t they?
Yuu hit the head of the nail as he hit him once more: “You silly goose!” Yutaka could only nod and smile: “Yeah…”
=*=*=*=*=
Even though his band mates had pestered him about whom it could be, he hadn’t said a word. He didn’t want to somehow “dirty” their picture of Shou just because of his love for him. Shou didn’t deserve it and Yutaka didn’t want it either for the other man. So Yutaka had not said anything about who it was, even if the other guys tried to pry it out of him all the time. Yuu seemed especially keen on finding out who it was, but Yutaka had not yet said a word. After a while also Yuu gave up on trying to find out, the subject being too boring for him already.
Yutaka, though, felt like he was being haunted. His dreams had started to revolve around Shou. Because of that Yutaka would come to work being sleep deprived and frustrated. Still, he would drown himself in work in hope to start thinking about something else and forget about Shou. This resulted with him being stressed on top of it all. Yet, the worst part of it was that it didn’t work. No matter what he did, he ended up being more exhausted than ever, yet still thinking about Shou. Nothing seemed to be able to stop him.
But telling the others had turned out to be a blessing. As frustrated as Yutaka was, he had now someone to turn to. They were all there to listen if he needed to talk. It made Yutaka think that he was really blessed to have such great friends, even though it was still quite embarrassing. Takanori tried to push him to confront Shou with his feelings. Yuu did really push him often. Akira and Kouyou both didn’t seem to know what words would fit this situation, so they only cheered for him to be strong. And Yutaka was thankful for the comforting words from all of them, especially Akira and Kouyou’s words of encouragement. He knew he had to be strong.
Yutaka had realized he had two options: to confront Shou or not. If he did confront Shou, he would most likely receive a rejection, possibly causing his heart to break. He didn’t want that. It was painful and discouraging for future crushes. Though, he knew that if he did not confront the other, he would continue with the sleepless nights for weeks or months even. He would always wonder and ask ‘What if’s. Possibly every time he would pass by Shou in the hallway those thoughts would show up, dug up again from his deepest chamber of throughts. He could end up wondering for years without ever getting an answer.
So Yutaka made a choice. He would confront Shou.
He had planned it out perfectly. He would ask the other if he wanted to join for a dinner out and when they’d be walking home, he would drop the bomb. Simple, clean and easy to remember. But Yutaka was not naïve. He knew that throughout the dinner he would struggle to keep his cool. The nervousness and fear of getting a rejection would try to pull him back, but his heart told him differently. Even though his heart had been broken before, it would always somehow find the courage to whisper to him “Maybe this time…”
And so he asked the vocalist to join him for a dinner. It would be as casual as it could get. The work had ended and he just happened to meet the vocalist in the elevator. The vocalist smiled, making his heart melt. “Sure! I’m actually starving,” he told the drummer. Yutaka nodded, mumbling something about being hungry as well, but he wasn’t. He was so nervous he wondered if it showed at all. It felt like he was constantly fidgeting and shaking, but the other didn’t seem to notice at all. Beautiful Shou just kept talking about his day, and Yutaka nodded and smiled whenever the vocalist smiled, for he did not actually listen at all. He truly had no idea of what the vocalist was speaking of. The fear was pulling at his crazy heart, but he could only try and smile and make some sort of a comment here and there.
And Yutaka was no different when they entered the restaurant either. He sat across from Shou somewhere in the back of the small restaurant. They were currently looking at the menu. Yutaka was probably focusing a tad bit too much in Shou instead of the menu, but as the waitress came he quickly just picked the first thing he saw. He wasn’t even sure he liked it, but he played it cool all the way. It made him somehow wonder if he should have been an actor instead of a drummer, but he soon tossed that thought away as he thought of the weird dramas he had seen on the television. Surely that was not for someone like him.
Yutaka somehow pulled himself together as they ate. It was as if the food gave him the energy to keep a more natural paced conversation with the other, and soon he was laughing with the other wholeheartedly instead of forcing a laugh that didn’t even belong to him. It was fun being with Shou. He didn’t want to let go of it. Therefore he was so scared what the reaction would be whenever he decided to tell, for he had to tell him. He had decided that already. There was no turning back now anymore.
They finished eating and started heading towards their cars that were still parked by the PSC building. As the seconds ticked by, Yutaka began to get more and more nervous again. He thought of backing out, but that was out of the question. He knew that, but still the thought was so tempting. It had to be at least ten times worse than telling his band mates that he was in love with someone who had a dick. Somehow his heart that had been so encouraging earlier was now begging him to run away, panicking within his chest, as if it wanted to get out of the cage of ribs. Yutaka tried his best to calm his heart down by taking deep breaths, but there were really no solutions for fear after all.
Yutaka wondered how he was supposed to approach the other. There seemed to be thousands of opportunities to talk, but somehow they never fit either. Whenever Yutaka opened his mouth after finally gathered enough courage, Shou brought up some story from when he had visited the convenience store or something along those lines, and Yutaka had to retreat. He constantly kept asking himself “Now?” and even Shou noticed it. “Are you ok, Kai? You haven’t said much since we got out of that restaurant,” he said, which only made Yutaka’s heart jump in fear. “No, everything’s fine,” he quickly replied, and Shou had only nodded; “If you say so…”
It wasn’t until they finally reached the parking lot they stopped. Shou turned to the drummer and smiled, melting Yutaka’s heart in the process. “Well, I will be going,” he said, but then dropped his smile and continued; “Are you sure you’re alright? You’ve been acting kind of weird throughout the whole dinner, now that I think about it.” At that moment Yutaka wished he had known sooner that he wasn’t as good at covering his feelings as he thought he was. Yutaka shook his head, even though his heart screamed at him, telling this was his best shot. It screamed even louder when Shou said a quick “later” before turning towards his car.
And Yutaka watched him look for his keys before he turned around and waved with a smile. Yutaka shouted then; “Wait!” and he jogged over towards the other who had already reached his own car. The vocalist looked confused and even more worried, and Yutaka’s heart clenched. Yutaka frowned at himself. Shou, the caring Shou, placed a hand on Yutaka’s shoulder. Yutaka stiffened up slightly, and Shou frowned. “Is everything ok, Kai? You can tell me if anything’s troubling you,” he said and Yutaka bit his lip. “Eehm..,” he hesitated, but Shou kept looking at him with that concerned look of his.
“I’m having a bit issues,” Yutaka started, trying not to swallow his words. “What issues?” Shou asked. Yutaka hesitated some more. He looked at Shou’s car, but he couldn’t have told the colour of it even if you asked. He was so nervous. “Romantic issues,” Yutaka continued in the end before he swallowed. Yutaka couldn’t see it, but if he had looked at Shou at that moment he would have seen the slightly surprised look he had, but Shou quickly pulled himself together. “Go on,” he said to the drummer, who by now seemed to be close to fainting.
And the drummer really was close to fainting. He thought so at least. He felt lightheaded, as if he had drunk too much alcohol, yet at the same time he felt really, really, really sober. Somehow he wished he had ordered a bottle of wine instead of a bottle of water, but there really was nothing he could do since he had a car to bring home. So there he was, lightheaded and near fainting, trying to make the hardest confession he had ever made. God, he felt like such a girl, getting all worked up about the issue. Well, maybe he was a girl, falling in love with a guy like that…
He took in a shaky breath. “I’m in love,” he finally said. He felt the knot in his throat tighten; now it was done. Now there really was no turning back. God, how he regretted it already. He was such an idiot. What would it help if he told Shou what he really felt about him? Surely Shou was NOT in love with him like he was in Shou. God, he was an idiot. A huge, stupid idiot who couldn’t keep his mouth shut!
But Shou smiled at him; “That’s great! Who’s the lucky girl?”
It was then Yutaka realized that he had left out the most important part of his confession. He made the same mistake as with his bandmates, keeping the most important bit out of the confession. Only two words had been left out, yet it was enough for Shou to never get what he really meant. It made him sigh, making Shou confused and crease his eyebrows. When Yutaka noticed it, he panicked. He didn’t know how to row himself to shore, save himself. He had already gotten so far, and surely Shou couldn’t understand what was so wrong with him being in love. After all; Shou thought he was in love with a girl.
Yutaka bit his lips; “Nevermind,” he said and smiled his charming smile everyone fell for, except for Shou. He turned around, facing away from Shou. He felt tears prickling in his eyes, but he refused to cry. Wasn’t he stupid, backing out like that? A goddamned chicken, that’s what he was. An idiot and a chicken. Shou would never know how he felt about him anymore. The moment was gone, and Yutaka knew it so bitterly.
But before Yutaka had the chance to walk away, his arm was grabbed. “Kai,” Shou began. Yutaka didn’t dare face him. His heart was beating wildly, his thoughts running wild, but at the same time he didn’t know what to think. A part of him was frightened as hell, thinking that Shou had somehow figured it out and was about to beat the crap out of him by using cruel words. Another part of him was hoping that Shou was in love with him and wanted to confess. Even though he knew the chances were so small, he still hoped for them so much, only because he didn’t have the courage himself.
But his hopes were soon crushed. “If you need to talk,” Shou said sincerely; “you can always talk to me.”
It was as if Yutaka could hear his own heart hit the bottom of a deep, dark valley. He hung his head as he cursed himself for having such silly hopes as Shou confessing to him. As if that would happen! Shou was a man, and as far as he knew, Shou was also heterosexual. God, he was so stupid, wasn’t he? He knew this all along, and yet here he was at the scene of his failed confession. He could be the star of a drama, really! His life was so fucked up that other people would surely find it entertaining. His stupidity surely was entertaining enough. He should have been a comedian instead of a drummer.
Yutaka breathing got harder as he beat himself up mentally. It was harder to keep the tears in check. He felt his eyelids get stuffed with salty tears, but he still kept them in his eyes. He breathed louder, though, and he was sure that Shou was wearing his worried expression. Yet, he did not look back. He surely would cry then. He shook the arm off of him, making Shou more confused in the process. Then he said a quick goodnight before he quickly got to his own car and drove off.
It was only when he was in his own apartment after locking the door he let his tears run free. And he cried for a good while too. It wasn’t before he felt himself getting dry before he realized that he should be going to bed. And so he got up from the floor, took off his shoes and jacket before going to the bathroom and monotonously brush his teeth.
As he lied down in bed, he began to wonder what would happen if he hadn’t backed out.
Bitterly, he knew he would wonder about that for the rest of his life.
Author's note:
God, I've worked on this for at least a year. Finally done!
Though, I think the ending was a bit rushed. Blergh, whatever...
I don't have time to write. And when I do, I don't have the inspiration. It's a bloody curse, I know.