Can you see me now? (KaixOC) - oneshot
Title: CAN YOU SEE ME NOW?
Author: muohcu_t
Chapters: 1/1
Rating: PG-13, maybe.
Genre: … God knows. Angst? Tragedy?
Pairings: Kai/Yutaka (the GazettE) x OFC (female)
Warnings: Mentions of drugs
Disclaimer: I only own the plot and my original character. I make no money of this writing and I only do this for fun. Tatah~~
Summary: Yutaka passes by a stranger, but does not think much about it. It’s not before the stranger calls him by his birth name he turns around and asks politely; “Excuse me?”
Yutaka talks quickly as he is walking. He’s late for a meeting, due to being a bit overly eager in the studio with the bassist in his band; the GazettE. They had met up early since they had to fix on some things with the bass line that had not worked well with the rhythm. It had to be done before the guitarists entered the studio later in the afternoon, so Yutaka and Akira had been struggling with this problem for four hours already, and it was only 10 AM. And they had also worked on it way too long in the studio the night before they had given up in the end. They still hadn’t quite finished, but Yutaka had had no choice but to run off to the meeting.
Quickly apologizing for being late to their vocalist, Takanori (who by the way was not a really patient, especially not in the morning); he cut off the phone and placed it in his right pocket. Still, his feet did not cut his speed at all. He’s in a hurry, after all. Though, his feet are starting to slightly hurt, he keeps his speed. In all his haste, Yutaka passes by a stranger, but he does not think much about it. The only thing in his mind at the moment is the coming meeting of scheduling of the studio they had so nicely rented for a while. It’s not before the stranger calls him by his birth name he turns around and asks politely; “Excuse me?”
The stranger is a female, and she is sitting on the ground, against the wall. She’s wearing sneakers that are very worn out and dirty. The right one even has one huge hole in it. The jeans she’s wearing have also gathered some holes after a rough treatment from the one wearing them. Yutaka can’t see her shirt, for she is wearing a long, deep red coat that reaches her knees. That one is also dirty, and probably not as red as it should have been. Her mittens have both two huge holes in the palms, and Yutaka can see her hair is tad longer than it should be, and certainly way too dirty. And her face is dirty as well, but not only that. Her lips are dry and her eyes are red. They gleam with hope. In front of her is a sign made out of a cardboard that says; “Homeless and hungry.” There is a dirty, old woollen hat in front of it again.
“Yutaka..,” she calls again, her voice hoarse. Yutaka doesn’t know what to do. He is sure he has never seen her before, but she must have surely recognized him. One thing would have been if she had called him by his stage name, Kai, but she had called him by his private name, Yutaka, twice now already. It makes his eyebrows crease and his mind wonder. He is indeed known for being forgetful, but that’s mostly limited to physical things, such as wallets, keys and such. He usually remembered people, even long after they had last seen each other. But this poor woman was definitely an unknown face to him, he was sure of it. It made him wonder all the more how she knew his name (since he rather doubted that she had the money to be such an intensive fan to know such things).
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I know you,” he politely says, though, slightly questioning still. He regrets having to say that because the woman’s face immediately falls into what you can call sadness and disappointment. It makes Yutaka’s insides crumble slightly, for he doesn’t want to create such despair that the woman is now expressing. There is just something that isn’t right, yet he cannot find out where he had seen her before, or even if he had seen her at all for that matter. Though, if he had seen her, it was most likely before she had ended up with those tired eyes and ragged clothing. He tries to see past that, but it is very difficult, and he finds out that he can only create a very blurry picture in his mind of how she might have looked all cleansed. And if he was to find out how she might have looked if not for some unfortunate events, she probably had changed since the last time he saw her (if he had ever seen her before).
“Maybe I’m mistaking you for someone else,” she says lowly and bows in apology. Then she smiles at him, but it is a very sad, yet a very much polite smile. Yutaka finds himself not knowing what to do again. He is considering either to keep talking to her or just bid a farewell and move on. Time is not on his side, so the most reasonable option would be to say goodbye. Yet, he finds it very impolite to do so. Should he at least give some money before wandering off to some grumpy vocalist, or should he sit down and talk some more, or neither and just meet up with the grumpy vocalist?
Though, he figures that he doesn’t have time for this, so he just digs up some money from his pockets. “Go get yourself something warm to drink. It’s getting colder,” Yutaka says as he drops some money into the woollen hat, which by now he had figured had once been blue. She nods at him, but she doesn’t say anything anymore. He doesn’t like it, but there is nothing he can do. He doesn’t have the time right now. If he had met her at a different time, he would have taken her out on a cup of coffee to settle down some things. But now he could only say goodbye and run off. She waves him off, but he didn’t miss the unshed tears in her tired eyes.
It was the same look that haunts him throughout the meeting. Even though it isn’t supposed to be such a long meeting, Yutaka feels it’s still too long. He wants to go out and see the woman again and clear out few things between them, because there sure is something left unspoken between them. Sure, he is paying attention to whatever suggestions there might be and the discussions around it, but whenever he finds that the words are going in circles, he thinks of the girl again. Slowly he begins to realize that he has indeed met her before, but it’s still out of his reach. It’s like trying to remember a good dream - it’s so close, yet so far away.
Then it suddenly hits him, and he rises from his chair in surprise. “No, it couldn’t be..,” he breathes out, shocked over his own conclusion. He can feel the managers’ and the vocalist’s eyes on him, but he does not really care. As he breathes out again, he drops down on his chair and leans back on it, all the while staring at the roof. Then he brings his palm to his eyes and rubs them in frustration. His head is shaking in disapproval and disbelief and now everyone in the room is getting slightly concerned. Takanori was creasing his eyebrows as their manager was biting his lip, but Takanori was not as patient, as mentioned before. So he decided to break the silence.
“What’s wrong, Yutaka?” he asks, making Yutaka look at the others in the room. He smiles in embarrassment, and quickly makes it clear for both himself and the others that he was thinking of private matters - something that he will keep private. The others comply and don’t say anything, though Takanori is indeed worried, and Yutaka thinks that it’s not that weird. Usually when something is troubling him, he always shares, or is better at hiding it behind a mask. Now it was kind of dropped like a bomb, both to himself and Takanori, and surely the singer will share his worries with their band mates. Though, Yutaka intends on keeping this to himself, at least for another while.
The meeting ends and Yutaka quickly excuses himself by saying he has to hurry back to the studio for there is a bassist expecting him still. Though, he knows he’s only telling half of the truth, for the reason he is rushing is to meet the woman he now knows the name and face of. Or, he’s pretty sure that it’s the girl he’s thinking of, but there’s still a side in him that doubts it. It’s been so long since he last saw her, and she surely could not have changed so much as it seemed like she had. It was still unbelievable in his mind, but who else could it be? He had to make it clear!
But when he once again came to where she had been, she was gone. Yutaka sighed and breathed in deeply before he started looking around for the girl, but he could not find her. It made him wonder just how long had he sat in that room with four walls and how far she could have possibly walked during that time. And no matter if he could judge how far she could have gone; it would be no use, for he did not know which direction to go. It made him frustrated, for clearly he had now made her upset by not recognizing her, and he should really have done that almost as well as his own mother. His mother!
“Mum?” he calls his mother as she picks up the phone. “Yutaka, dearest! How are you? Why don’t you call me more often these days? I and your father want to know how you are doing, you know that?” his mother immediately says. He only shakes head before smiling to himself; she always says the same, complaining about him not calling her enough. Though, he quickly cuts down to business. “I might come home for a couple of days in a while. There’s something I need to clear out,” he says and sighs. His mother, of course, picks up the slight frustration and despairs he tries to keep hidden (for mothers do such things), and she asks him what’s wrong. He only says that he will tell whenever he comes home. Even though he said to himself that he didn’t want to tell anyone, he still makes an exception with his mother. He might need a shoulder to lean on later.
As he states to his band mates that he will be off for a couple of days, they don’t question him. They surely can sense the seriousness that is floating in his eyes, nearly spilling out whenever he thinks too much. He can see that his band mates are confused and worried, but they don’t say anything, for they respect his privacy just as much as he respects their privacy. They will keep recording and mixing without the drummer for a couple of days while he is traveling home to his family. Yutaka promises to not take long before he will be back again to check if they’ve been doing their job. They joke about Yutaka being a slave driver, but they all can sense that the smiles aren’t as easy to create as they usually are. Still, Yutaka finds the power to do so, so his band mates think that it’s ok to smile. Yutaka finds it relaxing as the mood lessens the tension and they joke around for the rest of the night in the studio. Surely one night of joking around won’t do much harm.
~~~~
When Yutaka enters his childhood home, he is greeted by the smell of his favourite dish since childhood. His mother must have thought of everything to try to ease his mind while he was home. He really appreciated that, but he couldn’t really relax before he got some answers, but he supposed he could try for one night. It was pretty late, after all, too late for him to do whatever had to be done. So instead of running off straight away, he sighs and takes off his coat and shoes before heading for the kitchen. Though, he ends up stopping at the living room to greet his father with a generous hug and smile. They chat for a short while, catching up as always, before Yutaka’s mother comes in and smiles at her only son, the dimples showing off at the aging skin. She hugs him and kisses his cheeks, telling him that she’s so happy to see him finally. They exchange a few more words like that, before she skips to the kitchen and shouts behind her that dinner’s ready.
After Yutaka has helped her mother with setting the table, they all sit down and start digging in. There’s a light conversation passing between them like a ball, but sometimes it bursts and they all laugh. That’s how it goes on for a couple of minutes, until suddenly mother pulls a serious face. “Now, son, will you tell us why you’ve come home?” she asks. Yutaka swallows his food, and doesn’t even hesitate to tell her parents of why he was here, unlike how he had been with his band mates. He tells of how he had heard the stranger called to him, and how he had not recognized her. His parents listened silently, respectfully until he finished with his last words.
There was a silence hovering over them during the next short seconds. His mother, though, was not one for silence. She straightened a bit before she turned to him. “That sounds rather unfortunate for her,” she says, not really knowing what else to say. His father is a bit cleverer with his words. “Are you sure it was her you saw?” he asks, and Yutaka only nods. His father only shakes his head in disbelief; “How did she end up there?” His mother, on the other hand, is stricter; “Whatever the reason she is there, it’s probably her own fault.” It makes Yutaka angry. “You don’t know what she’s been through. There’s no reason for you to judge her like that, mother,” he says while clenching his fists. His mother turns to him; “I’m just saying that most of those who end up in the streets are there because of their own mistakes.”
But Yutaka knows that he doesn’t really want to believe that’s the case with her.
So the next morning, Yutaka goes for a little drive. He’s not without a destination, but he somewhat delays the one meeting he had come all the way from Tokyo for. He admits to himself that he is afraid, and that maybe his mother is all too correct. If she is, he had to get to know whatever the girl had done that had brought her to the streets. But there is a strong hope within him that relies on his mother to be wrong. He wishes to get to hear that the girl is all fine whenever he hears her story, and that the girl he had seen on the streets was no one he really knew.
All these thoughts are plaguing him, and in the end he can’t keep being in the shadows. So finally, after an hour of delaying the meeting, he turns his car and goes to his destination. A couple of minutes pass by before he finally sees an all too familiar neighbourhood. He passes by a couple of houses until he gets to the one house he intends on visiting. There he parks his car and gets out. He walks to the doorstep and rings the bell. He feels slightly nervous, for it has been years since the last time he had visited. After a few moments of bird-songs, the door opens. He bows to her in respect and greets her. But the aged woman can only utter his name in surprise; “Yu-Yutaka-san!”
~~~~~
Kouyou is simply playing his guitar. They have scheduled a small band practise today, and everyone had shown up beside their band leader, Yutaka Uke. Usually Kouyou was the one who always showed up late, but today it seems like he had finally beat someone to it. And not just any someone; it was their god-damned drummer, who always came on time. Kouyou is very pleased by the thought of that, but somehow he is also smitten by the mood that has seeped in the room. Everyone is worried for their drummer in some level. Kouyou knows that there is something bothering their drummer, for he usually just doesn’t take off like that. But Kouyou decides that he will not bother their drummer unless the drummer himself wants to share what’s bothering him.
The said drummer enters the room with a smile. Though, no one believes the mask, they still play along; “Had a nice trip home?” Takanori asks politely, smiling himself. Yutaka only nods his head in reply and doesn’t say anything more. They soon start practising as they finish the small chat. They practise their new songs and their old ones, but they all notice that the drums are a bit off. They’re actually so off that in the end Yutaka only apologises and says that he only needs a small break. As their drummer exits, they all look at each other in doubt, but there is a small agreement on giving the drummer another chance. So they say nothing when the drummer comes back inside and sits behind his drums.
Though, when he still doesn’t get the beats right, the rest of the guys say that this is hopeless. Yutaka looks down. “Are you sure you’re alright, Yutaka?” Akira asks concerned. “I’m fine,” Yutaka smiles, but as he sees the frowns on the guys’ faces, he sighs and frowns himself. “I’ve just got something on my mind,” he mumbles. “If you need to talk, you could always tell us. You know that, right?” Takanori reassures him, and the rest of them nod. It is enough to make Yutaka smile and nod himself.
They don’t try anymore and decide to just cancel the rest of the practise. Yutaka disagrees, but the rest of them don’t listen to him. Takanori is the first to leave after he has, of course, reassured that Yutaka knows that he is there for him if he needs a shoulder to lean on. Though, Yutaka only shrugs him off and says that he is ok, and that tomorrow he’ll be himself again. One by one they leave, Yuu and Akira, and then it is only Kouyou and Yutaka who’s left. Kouyou is never in a hurry, so he takes his time as he is getting the cables together and packing down his guitar.
He is in his own world until his name is suddenly being called. “Kouyou?” he can hear Yutaka call him. Kouyou turns around to face the drummer; “Yes?” Kouyou notices that the drummer is not holding up his mask anymore. He looks distressed and slightly confused. “Do you ever wonder what would happen if you hadn’t chosen music? If you had decided to become something else?” the drummer asks, but he doesn’t look at the guitarist. His gaze is hard and turned to the ground below him. The guitarist thinks a bit to himself, but he concludes that he can’t anymore imagine what life would be like if he had chosen a different career. And he says this loudly for the drummer to listen, but he only sighs at that. “I think I can imagine,” Yutaka says.
The drummer sits down on the new leather couch none of them had farted in yet (it had been clearly stated that it was against the manager’s law), and the guitarist understands that he should join the drummer. So he does, but Yutaka doesn’t say anything. The silence between them is thick, yet it only bothers the drummer. Kouyou is in no hurry, so he can sit there and wait until they have practise tomorrow again. Though, he is sure that there’s no need to stay for tomorrow. Yutaka only needs to gather some courage and/or strength to tell him whatever happened. Kouyou will listen whenever Yutaka is ready to tell.
And Kouyou is right, it does take a while before the drummer sighs out loud and says; “I would probably be a cook or a baker or something.” Kouyou smiles, knowing that the drummer was indeed enjoying himself while cooking. If the drummer hadn’t been so passionate about music, he would probably have pursued doing what he enjoyed doing the most, and for Kouyou it was easy to imagine it to be cooking. It was also very imaginable the next few things the drummer said that he would probably have had and done; he would have been married, have children and get old with his wife. They probably wouldn’t see as much of the world as he had up until now, but they would live happy and have a nice and comfy little life as they watched their children grow up to become lawyers and doctors.
Though, Kouyou doesn’t know if he likes the direction this conversation has turned to. It almost seemed as if Yutaka was regretting having ever choosing the path he had chosen, and that was slightly unsettling, but Kouyou decides that he should just stay calm. “What is this all about, Yutaka-kun?” he asks finally as Yutaka has finished telling of how he would own a shabby little house with just enough room for his whole family. Yutaka is slightly dazed after his little daydreaming, but he soon sighs. “I met a stranger,” he starts, and Kouyou listens to how the stranger had recognized him and he hadn’t recognized her. The drummer sounded distressed. “She was my High School girlfriend,” Yutaka smiles bitterly. Somehow Kouyou saw it coming, but he is still somewhat surprised. “Are you sure?” the guitarist asks. Yutaka nods. “I met with her parents. That’s why I went home for a couple of days. I had to get to know what happened,” Yutaka explains, and Kouyou nods.
The guitarist notes that the other looks now directly sad as he’s sitting there, frowning. Kouyou rests his left arm on Yutaka’s shoulders, to show that he’s still listening and caring. Yutaka takes in a slightly shaky breath before he continues. “After I left she started on drugs. When her parents found out, she was kicked out and they never heard from her again,” he says before pausing. “I can’t help but wonder if it was my fault. What would have happened if I hadn’t left her and everything behind for this path?” At this, Kouyou says it almost automatically; “I don’t know, but I think she would have done it anyway, whether you had chosen music or not.” It makes Yutaka turn to him almost, and he looks slightly offended. “You don’t know how she was. She wasn’t the type to just do stuff like that! She was such a great person, one of the greatest. If it would have worked out, she would have been the one, probably,” Yutaka smiles bitterly at the last sentence.
Kouyou tries to think a bit more tactically this time. He waits a few moments before he speaks up again. “I’m just saying; sometimes people hide things from the people they love. Maybe she had been doing drugs all along?” he carefully suggests, hoping it won’t provoke the drummer too much. At first it looks like the drummer is really mad, and the friendly arm Kouyou had so comfortably rested on his shoulders, is now being practically shoved away. But then the drummer freezes and stays still, as if he just realized something. Then he sinks down again and sighs. “I don’t want to believe you, but you are probably right,” he says, still frowning.
“Sorry, man,” Kouyou says as he once again places the hand on the other’s shoulder and rubs it slightly. Yutaka sighs and closes his eyes, but he doesn’t say anything. Neither does Kouyou. So they just sit there with their mouths shut. Yutaka knows, though, that he will most likely drink tonight and regret and wonder how things could have been.
Somewhere else she will wonder just the same.