Oh for fucks sake part 200,038,345,987,595,794,857,394(f)
Well, the best laid plans scuppered again...
Many eventy things (too many) clashing and disappointing, leaving me wondering when and where I'll be going to get dressed up and have a dance. Not sure if it's to be the taping of The Sideshow or the Zombie March or the Exhibition opening or what on thursday (the day before I go clothes shopping) evening...
Bloodlust is so out due to its woeful lifespan. I'm not so old that I can do an evening out that ends at midnight, and I refuse to go to the townie afterwards. Plus there is the knowledge of who will be in attendance kind of making it more like work than play. I'm not so far into my mindfulness training that I can deal comfortably with certain people, especially since they seem to be ignoring my attempts at thoroughly ending that whole fiasco vis-a-vis closure...
Man, I really need a fine night out with my fine girlfriend. However, finding some eventy-thingus that pushes both out buttons and lets us cut loose looks to be being far more difficult than originally anticipated...
For starters, while I like a lot of people who are involved/enmeshed/associated with the Goth Scene, I'll be fucked if I'll go to another goth club in the next while. How many "Goths" have remarked favorably upon my changing life, my great upheavals, my difficult-to-the-point-of-being-virtually-impossible growth and continuing commitment to said same? Who was there for me when I quit drugs and drink? Who was there for me when I (slowly but surely) began to unravel the facade I've kept up for 20 odd years? The answer is: I know them all, and they are a precious few. The rest of the people who think of themselves as my friends should maybe watch this and think to themselves: "Is this what Puke's thinking when he talks to me?"
Another thing my psychologist suggested was a good idea: Cutting the dead wood from my social life and focusing on those who give a fuck about me, and those I also give a fuck for. New friends can grow slowly by all means, but those I've entertained for the sake of being nice can suck a dick for Jesus for all I give a fuck-in-a-parking-lot.
Not that I'm unhappy. I'm actually just getting the first inklings of some kind of self-esteem together for the first time ever. The one thought that kept me from it the last while was that if I respected myself, then my actions would make some people dislike me. I'm now a lot more okay with that idea than I ever was. The sad fact is that with my intellect and sense of humor (nevermind my rockin' body), there are few people who can ever understand me to any satisfactory degree, and I think I know most of them. They all think I'm great, so what the fuck am I doing wasting my time on a public that sees me as a clown and a failure?
Being more of a cunt to those I don't like is unnecessary. Being more assertive about who I am and what I value is crucial. Expect more of the latter people.
Many eventy things (too many) clashing and disappointing, leaving me wondering when and where I'll be going to get dressed up and have a dance. Not sure if it's to be the taping of The Sideshow or the Zombie March or the Exhibition opening or what on thursday (the day before I go clothes shopping) evening...
Bloodlust is so out due to its woeful lifespan. I'm not so old that I can do an evening out that ends at midnight, and I refuse to go to the townie afterwards. Plus there is the knowledge of who will be in attendance kind of making it more like work than play. I'm not so far into my mindfulness training that I can deal comfortably with certain people, especially since they seem to be ignoring my attempts at thoroughly ending that whole fiasco vis-a-vis closure...
Click to viewMan, I really need a fine night out with my fine girlfriend. However, finding some eventy-thingus that pushes both out buttons and lets us cut loose looks to be being far more difficult than originally anticipated...
For starters, while I like a lot of people who are involved/enmeshed/associated with the Goth Scene, I'll be fucked if I'll go to another goth club in the next while. How many "Goths" have remarked favorably upon my changing life, my great upheavals, my difficult-to-the-point-of-being-virtually-impossible growth and continuing commitment to said same? Who was there for me when I quit drugs and drink? Who was there for me when I (slowly but surely) began to unravel the facade I've kept up for 20 odd years? The answer is: I know them all, and they are a precious few. The rest of the people who think of themselves as my friends should maybe watch this and think to themselves: "Is this what Puke's thinking when he talks to me?"
Another thing my psychologist suggested was a good idea: Cutting the dead wood from my social life and focusing on those who give a fuck about me, and those I also give a fuck for. New friends can grow slowly by all means, but those I've entertained for the sake of being nice can suck a dick for Jesus for all I give a fuck-in-a-parking-lot.
Not that I'm unhappy. I'm actually just getting the first inklings of some kind of self-esteem together for the first time ever. The one thought that kept me from it the last while was that if I respected myself, then my actions would make some people dislike me. I'm now a lot more okay with that idea than I ever was. The sad fact is that with my intellect and sense of humor (nevermind my rockin' body), there are few people who can ever understand me to any satisfactory degree, and I think I know most of them. They all think I'm great, so what the fuck am I doing wasting my time on a public that sees me as a clown and a failure?
Being more of a cunt to those I don't like is unnecessary. Being more assertive about who I am and what I value is crucial. Expect more of the latter people.