(no subject)
my last post is embarassing. sorry. but lets have an update, shall we?
ive been doing better. trying to get myself out there, kind of dating, its all new to me, ive never done it before. its kind of weird, but i havent really found anyone ive liked that have potential so far. so its easy to stick to my morals and life goal right now...which is to learn disattachment from boys. or girls. i dont even know anymore. but i kinda like the idea of going out with people and not having to be in a committed relationship...or have any kinds of lingering feelings for the other person. does that make me a bad person? i just kind of want to have fun and learn not to hurt myself. i'm definately ready to move on, but im not ready to settle down. i want to enjoy my single-ness and do what i want to do.
my room is done finally. i love it. its cute.
my parents kind of gave me an intervention one month into living here and made me go on anti depressants. they should be peaking within the next week or two. it makes me sad that i have to take medication, but maybe it will make me better. lets stay optimistic. hearing the doctor tell me the things he did made me really sad too. that i basically have a chemical imbalance, not normal depression, not soemthing that will just go away with time. that this is the reason why im so hard on myself and have done the things ive done. hopefully i stop being so self destructive...i cant begin to explain how much it sucks to absolutely hate yourself, but its something i wouldnt wish on anyone. i even had a conversation with my dad about a lot of deep shit, and i cried because ive kept it to myself for so long. things that im too embarassed to say on a public journal. lets hope for the best, shall we? to better futures, to more growth and learning, and to new mistakes that are going to have to happen in order for things to get better.
i backtracked a little on my weight loss. i lost 9 pounds, then ruined it one week and gained 5. but im back to 9 lost. i cant seem to get to 10, as hard as i try. so im trying harder. i WILL win. then just another 40 to go. i'll be pleased when i lose at least 20, but i have higher goals than 20.
hookay. i think thats it.
ive been doing better. trying to get myself out there, kind of dating, its all new to me, ive never done it before. its kind of weird, but i havent really found anyone ive liked that have potential so far. so its easy to stick to my morals and life goal right now...which is to learn disattachment from boys. or girls. i dont even know anymore. but i kinda like the idea of going out with people and not having to be in a committed relationship...or have any kinds of lingering feelings for the other person. does that make me a bad person? i just kind of want to have fun and learn not to hurt myself. i'm definately ready to move on, but im not ready to settle down. i want to enjoy my single-ness and do what i want to do.
my room is done finally. i love it. its cute.
my parents kind of gave me an intervention one month into living here and made me go on anti depressants. they should be peaking within the next week or two. it makes me sad that i have to take medication, but maybe it will make me better. lets stay optimistic. hearing the doctor tell me the things he did made me really sad too. that i basically have a chemical imbalance, not normal depression, not soemthing that will just go away with time. that this is the reason why im so hard on myself and have done the things ive done. hopefully i stop being so self destructive...i cant begin to explain how much it sucks to absolutely hate yourself, but its something i wouldnt wish on anyone. i even had a conversation with my dad about a lot of deep shit, and i cried because ive kept it to myself for so long. things that im too embarassed to say on a public journal. lets hope for the best, shall we? to better futures, to more growth and learning, and to new mistakes that are going to have to happen in order for things to get better.
i backtracked a little on my weight loss. i lost 9 pounds, then ruined it one week and gained 5. but im back to 9 lost. i cant seem to get to 10, as hard as i try. so im trying harder. i WILL win. then just another 40 to go. i'll be pleased when i lose at least 20, but i have higher goals than 20.
hookay. i think thats it.