a thousand words couldn't get it out.
confusion. lost. anger. it's never easy. my happiness has its costs, its consequences. as if this chaos isn't enough, it's time for emotional destruction. again. i have to pick myself back up off the floor. i have to face another day. i need to make the most of what's come of me. i have so much love to offer. i have it saved up, i don't hand it out foolishly like the others. i'm scared. i'm so scared to let you become a part of me. i'm such a hypocrit. all i want is someone to open up for me when all i do is refuse to let anyone see who i really am. why? i've been so hurt, so low. i can't go back there. i need to stay on top. i need to temporarily refill myself with false truths and fake highs. everything is ok then. no. wrong. i'm usually wrong, even though i hate to show it. no emotion seems to be the solution. for safety anyway. so that's what it comes down to, safety or happiness with great risks. i can't miss out on the most fulfilling feeling for saftely of myself. i'm being selfish. it's not all about me. what about you? what if you have the same problem? we push each other away out of instinct. why is it so difficult? the day something easy comes my way will be the day i die. death. i wish i could cheat death. i want to live forever to get this figured out. but i can't. i'm incapable and that's why i can't waste time worrying. stop being paranoid. take the plunge, but i have so much to lose. oh well, i'll recover. i always do, right? there's still love in my life, probably lots more than i realize. i take it for granted. i don't want to take us for granted. i want to appreciate every little thing about you and about life. i guess that's the beauty of it. you fall down, you get back up, and you learn. you learn what you did wrong and you do it all over again, until you get it right, if you ever get it right. but that's the beauty of it. every part of you, and me, in that process blows me away. the capability of us to love and sense and miss blows my mind. sure, we've got all that scientific stuff figured out, but why do i cry when i miss you too much and why do i know i love you? god hasn't let that mystery on to us just yet. and that's the beauty of it. emotion rules my life. yes, i've decided happiness with risks is better than the safety of my heart. feeling numb, and lacking emotion from your life is too lonely for me. sure, i'm independent and i've got a decent head on my shoulders, but what i care about most is siezing every opportunity to be fully and truly me, because that's what makes me happy. being me means loving you. sorry if that's not ok with everyone. i gotta do what i feel, and i feel you. take the leap and dive in, sure you may get hurt, but just think, 'i'm one step closer to having it all'. and that's the beauty of it.