Feb 12, 2005 17:11
why...
sorry kids, i love you and your advice, but no one can help me now. i have to help myself first. i'm lost. i'm empty. i'm searching for the answer. i'm struggling. i'm not even sure with what. maybe it's me. i want to make you see. why are you so afraid?
commitment
is the key... get commitment and that's how you can really see.
i need to sort things out. and i'm the last to admit that, but i'm not gonna say i don't know what i want, because i do know. the problem is keeping it. i wake up with a different feeling every day. i wake up and something has changed. somethings always stay the same. i'm having trouble dealing. i don't understand. i understand me though.
this is me. i say what i want, i do what i want - so kill me. is that such a crime? i still care about other people, way more than i care about myself. i put myself on a very low pedistal. no one knows that. i have my days. my days where i'm satisfied with myself. when i put myself first, it's when i would get hurt if i don't. i'm very scared of getting hurt. very. not too many know that. i'm not scared of commitment, but when things get bad, i work hard to fix them. i'm afraid of being alone. no, i don't need someone, but i like someone there. i like company, as does most. i jump into things, i go after what i want. that's not bad, is it? i'm open to change. i'm open to lots of things. i accept things the way they are and don't expect anyone to change for me. i like the way i am.
i'm a very happy person. i'm colorful and creative and crazy and fun. i'm always up for anything. i'm easily amused. i love to laugh. i'm happy, so shoot me. so what if i'm happy - is that such a sin? i have fun. i know how to have fun. why do i have to be penalized for living life? i have bad luck. we all know that. nothing seems to go right for me. why. no one knows. i accept it and when things go great, it just makes me over-the-top happy. i love life. i wouldn't change anything about me or my life. i have the best friends in the world. i have the most incredible parents and family. i love boys. i love dating. i absolutely love new people. i love getting to know someone. i love talking.
when i'm not happy people freak out. i don't know why. is it because i'm happy 99% of the time? i'm sorry. i'm human. why can't i be mad or upset or angry sometimes? why can't you just ask me what's wrong, or if there's anything you can do... instead of getting mad at me for getting mad - that just gets me more angry.
i'm too apologetic. i can't help it. i never want to fight or be in a fight. i like peace. i don't want you to be mad at me. saying sorry is a reflex.
realtionship-wise = i hate being vulnerable. being vulnerable often ends up in me getting hurt. from past experience. that's why it's hard for me to open up fully. i hate being hurt, i'm scared of it. yet, i'm attracted to others' vulnerability. my inner want for them is to make them happy, any way i can.
i don't like my feelings being hurt. i strugle with some things, but i always put a happy face on. i don't like to let others solve my problems for me. i think that i know everything and how to deal with everything. but i know i don't. i need to work on that.
i just want to be cared about. that's all i ever really wanted. is that too much to ask? to be loved. to feel wanted. i need you. you make me feel wanted.
i never regret anything i do. i always do my best. i'm scared of failure. i hate and love drama. i hate being lied to. i like honesty, not the brutal kind though. there are only like 4 people i don't like. they consist of a teacher, the librarians, and someone that i promise isn't you. people think i don't like them until they get to know me. i don't know why. i'm so inviting, just sometimes a little shy to say the first words. people say i'm 'intimidating' before they get to know me. i'm sorry. i promise i'm not mean.
i'm very sentimental and i value the friends and memories i have. i'm a romantic. i love.. love. yes i know what it is, yes it's wonderful.
a good cry is always necessary. i'm not afraid to cry. i'm not afraid to show you who i am, if you let me. i think too way. way too much. i don't like being alone for a day by myself with nothing to do. things go wrong when i think too much.. or that's they way it seems. i analyze a little too much. i read between the lines. i read into things. i just need to see them the way they are. i'm working on it.
i accept myself and it's not that others don't accept me or that i'm scared to let them, it's just that i don't want to be left alone and broken hearted at the end. here's my first step. i told you a lot about myself. for all of you that want to get to know me better there's some things. truthfully, this scares me. letting you know all of that. but i'm going to post it anyway. actually you probably already know most of it.
i hope you see now.
i love you and everything you do.
xoxo rik xoxo