orbituality
so. this so-called "life" many things have been running through my mind lately.
one tought: what goes around comes around/fate/destiny/karma. all of that. because some people deserve amazing things where sucky people get all the happiness until it comes around again, o and it does, it's just a matter of time. also, something to go along with that, is - you can always achieve your dreams, you just need strength and patience. strength is hard to come by, but one day something clicks and the little things don't matter anymore, and go after things with determination.
thought number 2: make yourself happy. ok, this is a biggie. i struggled with this so many times. i was in so many situations where i wasn't happy, but didn't do anything about them for the sake of someone else. i continuously learned that this just means putting the problem off, therefore making it worse, and accomplishing nothing. problems just don't dissappear, you have to solve them. i think you have to go through a big situation to get this one down, or maybe even two or three. sometimes it's good to put other people first, like day to day, normal stuff. be a nice person and offer people rides or lending money or stuff like that. i'm talking about the big ones. the relationships, the dating, etc. whenever you get in one of these huge defining moment-decisions, just be like in 3 months will this even matter? unneeded drama that could so easily be fixed if you just go after what you want, go after your happiness. the answer is usually blatantly staring you in the face, but you just can't follow through. just do it, it's ok to be selfish sometimes. if you aren't truly happy, then you can't make others happy anyway. don't put stuff off that needs to be brought up. give someone a bit of your mind, don't be a doormat, don't let people walk all over you. be yourself, stand up for people, say what you think, and act how you feel. if you have a problem with someone, go and talk to them about it. you'll feel so much better about yourself and people will respect you for being so honest. trust me, i've tried both ways to fix things, and doing what i need to do works best. that way, it's taken care of, i'm content with what i've done, i'm not stressing over it or worrying about it, and i'm such a happier person, because with me, you can so tell when i'm not in a good mood. it's not often, but like wow, when i'm upset, i just sit there and don't talk and i'm not fun anymore. and i love being a fun person. so just do it, stop being confused and passive, just tell someone how you feel, go out on a limb, and chances are you will feel so much better.
thought 3: ok so these past weeks have been like 'alcohol.. blah blah' i'm not a freakin alchy, like ok yah it's fun to drink, but get this. i have only been drunk twice in my entire lifetime, and not even trashed, not even waking-up-sick-next-morning drunk. ok so don't give me hell about it and call me a bad ass or anything. like wow ok, we're freaking teenagers, do i really wanna look back and be like 'o look what a little angel i was, i didn't drink or anything bad, i was actually pretty boring, i wish i would have had fun when i was 16' ok well i am. not pointing out anybody but those of you that don't "approve" of alcohol, that's fine, but don't give ME hell about it, and don't think you're better than anyone else. those of you taht are concerned with anyone on the verge of ODing on drugs, or drinking so much they pass out every weekend, ok yah take it up with them. sorry, needed to get that out of my system.
thought 4: things right now are very strange, with just like me and my situation. like i'm not used to sharing my personal boy-issue with many people. like ok, dating is my bussiness, and if i chose to tell you, so be it. and lately i have, but people interfering and telling me that my decisions are wrong, that just pisses me off. i hate it when people don't know the people i like and tell me NOT to like them. like who the hell do you think you are to tell ME who i can and cannot date? you don't know these boys like i do and you don't know how we are together. that is between me and him and having your opinion is ok but looking down on me and telling me you think i'm making a huge mistake not only hurts my feelings that you would actually tell me something like that but you are also insulting my judgement. like ok, really big thing i hate when people tell me who i should be dating. like wtf, you're not me, and instead of being happy for me, you go and yell at me? whatever.
thought cinco: friends. like wow. i think it's just sinking in that we, not only our group, but like all of the other awesome juniors that i love to death won't be there with me in the next year and a half. we are all leaving and we won't ever be together again like we were in high school. i am getting so close to so many people that i've wanted to but never really had the chance. i kind of missed my friends the past 8 months and with this opportunity also came opportunity to be close with incredible people that i have been missing out on. people that i have so many things in common with that i think are hilarous and people that might not be with me soon. so i am like so stoked and reaching out to random people and talking to people that i never thought i would like in my classes. those classes without my friends aren't bad. i mean don't get me wrong i have tons of friends that aren't in our group, but i mean like those girls that you think you would never talk to. i don't know, it just makes me happy. new people make me really happy.
thought 6: today, anal=me bec and laine dissected a cow eye (or pig, if you're me) and we named it, eophelia eleanor cummings (e.e. cummings) and like wow, how great are you're friends that we can name cow eyes. i don't know, they're just so great. i love them.
thought 7: i've been so incredibly happy lately, like i'm just in a good mood 99% of the day. i don't even mind going to school. i love everyone and everything, gosh what is wrong with mE?!
thought 8: have you ever looked at someone and could see like your world in their eyes, your whole self? it's amazing. i don't understand it. i don't understand how a single being could have so much power. what makes us so attached to a given person? what makes us connect and not connect? gosh i think about this all the time, and like why does someone have continuous feelings for a person and other people come and go. like do we have that one person, or can you have more than one of those people. those people that are like home, and it's instinct to run back to them when things get tough. it's so crazy, and i can't wrap my head around it and i analyze everything and i love this because i can't figure it out. like there is so much we don't know. love - what is love? is it just some word a crazy made up and now we live by it? i mean it could be, no one knows. this emotion, this unexplainable emotion that's the strongest of all of them. and how do we even know if we're in it? you can tell, even if you don't know it's definition and it doesn't have one. that's what makes it so amazing. like it's something that we decide for ourselves what it is. it is different for every person. it's not something learned or taught or explained. it's not like the quantum theory or einstein's equation. it's not rational, it doesn't have an answer. it can make us the happiest and the saddest that we will ever be in our whole lives. our mission in life is to find someone to love and someone to love us. that's the reason we were put here, to love and procreate. like how incredible is that? how ambigous. and for someone like me, it can be challenging at times to not have an easy answer. and love doesn't. and for some reason, instead of trying and seaching and antagonizing over what it is and if i'm in it, i just live it. and follow wherever my heart leads me. i'm not in control for once and i love that feeling. sometimes the vulnerable, on the edge, commitment, vague sense of it freaks me out, but i've learned that you can never understand it, and it's so fun to come up with different theroys of what it is and how we find it and ah. i'm just a romantic, i love love. hah.
thought 9: i think i grew up. i think i grew up in this last month. seeing other people going through the same things i went through and seeing them struggle like i stuggled and knowing they feel what i felt, just makes me feel like wow, i've been through that. i understand myself so much and i have such respect for people and how they are feeling. i don't get sad for random reasons anymore. i know that i should tell people how i feel toward them and i do. i don't hold things back anymore. i understand that it's now or never. i understand that i could be gone tomorrow and that doesn't scare me, because i don't take life for granted anymore. i'm not a little kid anymore. i have responsibility for me and the people around me that my decisions affect. i know when it's time to put others first or put me first. i've learned that sometimes it's better to be selfish otherwise i would just end up getting hurt. i've seen, been through, cried, laughed, stressed over, experienced so, so many things. but that's how it's been since i was little. my parents were always so open minded. we have traveled to other countries for as long as i could remember. i've always been like wow, there's an entire world out there and little me isn't the only thing in it. all these different places that are so different from where i live. and i'm so over trying to fit in and be a cookie cutter image of the normal whore today. like why try to be like everyone else? be your own person. come up with original dreams. like your own music, do your own thing. but i've always been like that. sometimes i wish i could open other people eyes that 'doing the cool thing' is the lowest, shallowest thing you could do. i've learned to do what i want, even if other people dissapprove. i knew about so many things before other kids, and learned to accept anyone with open arms. i used to have not so great self esteem and like now today, it's like i love who i am. i am this person. i am erika and i'm so happy all the time and fun and i love doing random crazy things. i like all sorts of people and all sorts of things. i do what i want and say how i feel. i will help you if you need me even if i don't know you. i totally accept who i am and don't want myself to change. this is me, and if you don't like it, i'm sorry. and that's how i see other people. this is who she/he is. these are the things she's expected to do. i totally accept them and don't expect them to change. if i don't agree with their personality, fine, so we don't get along, then i just won't hang out with them, but it's unlikely that i wouldn't like someone. i don't know. just these past months, i feel like i've grown up and learned a whole lot about life. i like it though.
"Bat your eyes girl.
Be otherworldly.
Count your blessings.
Seduce a stranger.
What's so wrong with being happy?
Kudos to those who see through sickness...yeah
Over and over and over and over
She woke in the morning.
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning.
Don't ever let life pass you by."
long i know, sorry, upcoming deepness post, i promise, until then!
THE OC !
i loooove you
xoxoxo rik xoxoxo
one tought: what goes around comes around/fate/destiny/karma. all of that. because some people deserve amazing things where sucky people get all the happiness until it comes around again, o and it does, it's just a matter of time. also, something to go along with that, is - you can always achieve your dreams, you just need strength and patience. strength is hard to come by, but one day something clicks and the little things don't matter anymore, and go after things with determination.
thought number 2: make yourself happy. ok, this is a biggie. i struggled with this so many times. i was in so many situations where i wasn't happy, but didn't do anything about them for the sake of someone else. i continuously learned that this just means putting the problem off, therefore making it worse, and accomplishing nothing. problems just don't dissappear, you have to solve them. i think you have to go through a big situation to get this one down, or maybe even two or three. sometimes it's good to put other people first, like day to day, normal stuff. be a nice person and offer people rides or lending money or stuff like that. i'm talking about the big ones. the relationships, the dating, etc. whenever you get in one of these huge defining moment-decisions, just be like in 3 months will this even matter? unneeded drama that could so easily be fixed if you just go after what you want, go after your happiness. the answer is usually blatantly staring you in the face, but you just can't follow through. just do it, it's ok to be selfish sometimes. if you aren't truly happy, then you can't make others happy anyway. don't put stuff off that needs to be brought up. give someone a bit of your mind, don't be a doormat, don't let people walk all over you. be yourself, stand up for people, say what you think, and act how you feel. if you have a problem with someone, go and talk to them about it. you'll feel so much better about yourself and people will respect you for being so honest. trust me, i've tried both ways to fix things, and doing what i need to do works best. that way, it's taken care of, i'm content with what i've done, i'm not stressing over it or worrying about it, and i'm such a happier person, because with me, you can so tell when i'm not in a good mood. it's not often, but like wow, when i'm upset, i just sit there and don't talk and i'm not fun anymore. and i love being a fun person. so just do it, stop being confused and passive, just tell someone how you feel, go out on a limb, and chances are you will feel so much better.
thought 3: ok so these past weeks have been like 'alcohol.. blah blah' i'm not a freakin alchy, like ok yah it's fun to drink, but get this. i have only been drunk twice in my entire lifetime, and not even trashed, not even waking-up-sick-next-morning drunk. ok so don't give me hell about it and call me a bad ass or anything. like wow ok, we're freaking teenagers, do i really wanna look back and be like 'o look what a little angel i was, i didn't drink or anything bad, i was actually pretty boring, i wish i would have had fun when i was 16' ok well i am. not pointing out anybody but those of you that don't "approve" of alcohol, that's fine, but don't give ME hell about it, and don't think you're better than anyone else. those of you taht are concerned with anyone on the verge of ODing on drugs, or drinking so much they pass out every weekend, ok yah take it up with them. sorry, needed to get that out of my system.
thought 4: things right now are very strange, with just like me and my situation. like i'm not used to sharing my personal boy-issue with many people. like ok, dating is my bussiness, and if i chose to tell you, so be it. and lately i have, but people interfering and telling me that my decisions are wrong, that just pisses me off. i hate it when people don't know the people i like and tell me NOT to like them. like who the hell do you think you are to tell ME who i can and cannot date? you don't know these boys like i do and you don't know how we are together. that is between me and him and having your opinion is ok but looking down on me and telling me you think i'm making a huge mistake not only hurts my feelings that you would actually tell me something like that but you are also insulting my judgement. like ok, really big thing i hate when people tell me who i should be dating. like wtf, you're not me, and instead of being happy for me, you go and yell at me? whatever.
thought cinco: friends. like wow. i think it's just sinking in that we, not only our group, but like all of the other awesome juniors that i love to death won't be there with me in the next year and a half. we are all leaving and we won't ever be together again like we were in high school. i am getting so close to so many people that i've wanted to but never really had the chance. i kind of missed my friends the past 8 months and with this opportunity also came opportunity to be close with incredible people that i have been missing out on. people that i have so many things in common with that i think are hilarous and people that might not be with me soon. so i am like so stoked and reaching out to random people and talking to people that i never thought i would like in my classes. those classes without my friends aren't bad. i mean don't get me wrong i have tons of friends that aren't in our group, but i mean like those girls that you think you would never talk to. i don't know, it just makes me happy. new people make me really happy.
thought 6: today, anal=me bec and laine dissected a cow eye (or pig, if you're me) and we named it, eophelia eleanor cummings (e.e. cummings) and like wow, how great are you're friends that we can name cow eyes. i don't know, they're just so great. i love them.
thought 7: i've been so incredibly happy lately, like i'm just in a good mood 99% of the day. i don't even mind going to school. i love everyone and everything, gosh what is wrong with mE?!
thought 8: have you ever looked at someone and could see like your world in their eyes, your whole self? it's amazing. i don't understand it. i don't understand how a single being could have so much power. what makes us so attached to a given person? what makes us connect and not connect? gosh i think about this all the time, and like why does someone have continuous feelings for a person and other people come and go. like do we have that one person, or can you have more than one of those people. those people that are like home, and it's instinct to run back to them when things get tough. it's so crazy, and i can't wrap my head around it and i analyze everything and i love this because i can't figure it out. like there is so much we don't know. love - what is love? is it just some word a crazy made up and now we live by it? i mean it could be, no one knows. this emotion, this unexplainable emotion that's the strongest of all of them. and how do we even know if we're in it? you can tell, even if you don't know it's definition and it doesn't have one. that's what makes it so amazing. like it's something that we decide for ourselves what it is. it is different for every person. it's not something learned or taught or explained. it's not like the quantum theory or einstein's equation. it's not rational, it doesn't have an answer. it can make us the happiest and the saddest that we will ever be in our whole lives. our mission in life is to find someone to love and someone to love us. that's the reason we were put here, to love and procreate. like how incredible is that? how ambigous. and for someone like me, it can be challenging at times to not have an easy answer. and love doesn't. and for some reason, instead of trying and seaching and antagonizing over what it is and if i'm in it, i just live it. and follow wherever my heart leads me. i'm not in control for once and i love that feeling. sometimes the vulnerable, on the edge, commitment, vague sense of it freaks me out, but i've learned that you can never understand it, and it's so fun to come up with different theroys of what it is and how we find it and ah. i'm just a romantic, i love love. hah.
thought 9: i think i grew up. i think i grew up in this last month. seeing other people going through the same things i went through and seeing them struggle like i stuggled and knowing they feel what i felt, just makes me feel like wow, i've been through that. i understand myself so much and i have such respect for people and how they are feeling. i don't get sad for random reasons anymore. i know that i should tell people how i feel toward them and i do. i don't hold things back anymore. i understand that it's now or never. i understand that i could be gone tomorrow and that doesn't scare me, because i don't take life for granted anymore. i'm not a little kid anymore. i have responsibility for me and the people around me that my decisions affect. i know when it's time to put others first or put me first. i've learned that sometimes it's better to be selfish otherwise i would just end up getting hurt. i've seen, been through, cried, laughed, stressed over, experienced so, so many things. but that's how it's been since i was little. my parents were always so open minded. we have traveled to other countries for as long as i could remember. i've always been like wow, there's an entire world out there and little me isn't the only thing in it. all these different places that are so different from where i live. and i'm so over trying to fit in and be a cookie cutter image of the normal whore today. like why try to be like everyone else? be your own person. come up with original dreams. like your own music, do your own thing. but i've always been like that. sometimes i wish i could open other people eyes that 'doing the cool thing' is the lowest, shallowest thing you could do. i've learned to do what i want, even if other people dissapprove. i knew about so many things before other kids, and learned to accept anyone with open arms. i used to have not so great self esteem and like now today, it's like i love who i am. i am this person. i am erika and i'm so happy all the time and fun and i love doing random crazy things. i like all sorts of people and all sorts of things. i do what i want and say how i feel. i will help you if you need me even if i don't know you. i totally accept who i am and don't want myself to change. this is me, and if you don't like it, i'm sorry. and that's how i see other people. this is who she/he is. these are the things she's expected to do. i totally accept them and don't expect them to change. if i don't agree with their personality, fine, so we don't get along, then i just won't hang out with them, but it's unlikely that i wouldn't like someone. i don't know. just these past months, i feel like i've grown up and learned a whole lot about life. i like it though.
"Bat your eyes girl.
Be otherworldly.
Count your blessings.
Seduce a stranger.
What's so wrong with being happy?
Kudos to those who see through sickness...yeah
Over and over and over and over
She woke in the morning.
She knew that her life had passed her by
She called out a warning.
Don't ever let life pass you by."
long i know, sorry, upcoming deepness post, i promise, until then!
THE OC !
i loooove you
xoxoxo rik xoxoxo