attempt at "heartfelt" entry #1
i should never have to feel like i'm not good enough, not fun enough, not happy enough, not conversationally-stimulating enough for you. but no matter how much i tell myself that, it doesn't help. friendship is one of those things i shouldn't have to second-guess. but i do. every night when i'm sitting at my desk and every morning when i'm getting ready for school, or for nothing at all. i wonder if you're going to ditch me again, or if you're going to invite everyone but me to hang out again, or if you're going to consider asking me about my pets a stimulating conversation topic again (it's not wrong to want depth, is it?), or if you're going to call me just because you want something again. and i wonder whether you can tell how pathetic i am for caring so much about such petty, stupid things. but i know that even if you can tell, you don't care. i know that i think about this kind of stuff way too much (my dad tells me often enough, so you don't need to) and that i take everything to heart (my mom tells me often enough, so you don't need to). but i can't think of one good reason why i should be ashamed about caring too much.
basically, that makes me the only person who can hurt me.
i've been trying to convince you that i will ALWAYS be there for you anytime you needed someone. i admit, i can be a bad friend at times, but if you ever needed anything, i would drop everything i was doing in a heartbeat if that's what you wanted. i don't know if anyone even believes me though. what i'm trying to get at is that i would sacrifice so much for you (and i swear i'm not trying to guilt you into offering the same for me), and that i need you to know that you should never feel the same self-conscious things that i do. because i know how crappy it is to feel like the-friend-that-no-one-really-likes. you can vent to me anytime you want to, and i swear i'll listen to every single word you say. and i won't roll my eyes at you. and i won't talk about how tired/bored i am (because i won't be). and i won't compete stories with you. and i won't make shut-up-and-go-away faces at you. [hey, there's a reason venting to a computer is so much easier for me.]
and, of course, i'll be there when everything's good, but you'll never want me there until you get hurt.
right now, i'm pretty sure i love you a lot more than you love me. and that might make me insanely depressed, but i know that, one day, i'll no longer be the pathetic girl writing this pathetic entry. i'll grow up, i'll meet people who actually care about me, i'll walk away when you need me, i'll finally be happy, and i won't look back.
this was essentially a compilation (chock-full of horrific transitions) of most of the things i've wanted to say to the six people to whom i'm actually writing all of this. and i expect only three of you (max) will even see this.
basically, that makes me the only person who can hurt me.
i've been trying to convince you that i will ALWAYS be there for you anytime you needed someone. i admit, i can be a bad friend at times, but if you ever needed anything, i would drop everything i was doing in a heartbeat if that's what you wanted. i don't know if anyone even believes me though. what i'm trying to get at is that i would sacrifice so much for you (and i swear i'm not trying to guilt you into offering the same for me), and that i need you to know that you should never feel the same self-conscious things that i do. because i know how crappy it is to feel like the-friend-that-no-one-really-likes. you can vent to me anytime you want to, and i swear i'll listen to every single word you say. and i won't roll my eyes at you. and i won't talk about how tired/bored i am (because i won't be). and i won't compete stories with you. and i won't make shut-up-and-go-away faces at you. [hey, there's a reason venting to a computer is so much easier for me.]
and, of course, i'll be there when everything's good, but you'll never want me there until you get hurt.
right now, i'm pretty sure i love you a lot more than you love me. and that might make me insanely depressed, but i know that, one day, i'll no longer be the pathetic girl writing this pathetic entry. i'll grow up, i'll meet people who actually care about me, i'll walk away when you need me, i'll finally be happy, and i won't look back.
this was essentially a compilation (chock-full of horrific transitions) of most of the things i've wanted to say to the six people to whom i'm actually writing all of this. and i expect only three of you (max) will even see this.