Best Supporting Actress
Well, my behavior has been a little erratic lately, and I feel like I owe an explanation to the two or three people who have noticed. First off, its fall, and in the words of Lewis Black, fuck fall. I've never liked fall, for various reasons I won't go into. But more importantly, I'm once again wrestling with a great deal of self-pity, self-loathing and other "self" related things. And if you'll pardon me, I'm going to cut loose with a bit of verbal diarrhea about how I've been feeling lately.
I feel like I'm going to spend my whole life being "supporting cast."
I know that's an extremely odd statement, but I'm such a minor, unimportant figure to just about everyone I know. Even in my own life, I'm constantly downplaying my own importance, and telling myself I don't have the drive, energy, social skills or talent to accomplish anything. But that's another issue. This entry is mainly going to be me bitching about not having any friends.
All that aside, I have Michael. I don't want to downplay his importance here. He is my best friend, and oftentimes, I feel like he's the only person I have. He really is my rock, its just that friends and lovers aren't the same.
Have I ever told you that I don't have flesh and blood friends? (I'm not including my internet friends. As much as I like many of them, I can't take them out for sushi or for a walk) Michael's two best friends seem to really like me, but I wouldn't feel comfortable having an intimate conversation with either of them, and I can't really call them up out of nowhere. Hell, even some of my internet friends seem like they're just humoring me. They don't talk to me for weeks, say a few words and expect me to be happy with that. And honestly, I usually am. I just like knowing that I'm tolerable, and I get angry at myself for expecting anything more.
Every real life friend I've ever met was introduced to me by someone else, or I found them due to some circumstance that forced us together, like being in the same exploration group at 6th grade camp or being forced to attend a freshmen mixer. I have never taken the initiative to make friends with anyone. Even with my internet friends, I've never been the one to start the conversation. Even if I had the initiative to make friends, I don't have any money or a car. Even if I did, how the hell do I go out and look for people to be friends with? Its not like I'm the type to hang around in bars or go to parties. And I'm utterly boring to boot; all I do is read, watch movies, look at stupid websites, play RO and go to work. Does anyone know a person who arranges playdates for people in their late 20s?
I still think about all of my college buddies, and how much I cared about them. And how I've let myself lose contact with them because I don't think I have anything to offer them anymore. I work for a dollar over minimum wage in an unskilled position while they've become teachers, businessmen, artists... I'm too jealous to even talk to them anymore, and I feel inferior every time I do.
And then there's work. I hear my coworkers asking each other personal questions all the time, and talking to one another about their lives. None of them make any effort to get to know me, and when I volunteer information, I'm usually met with awkward silences and noncommittal responses. They're nice to me, sure, and I feel appreciated and valued as an employee, but I get the distinct feeling they're just keeping me at arm's length and aren't really interested in me as a person.
What makes it all the more depressing is that I'm in a customer service position... And I'm good at it. I have the ability to force a smile and be courteous, informative and friendly to total strangers. Yet at the end of the day, I'm still deathly afraid of personal intimacy and can't even start a conversation with someone. I thought this job might improve my social skills, but I've somehow managed to create an entirely separate persona I use for the public, while leaving my normal persona just as antisocial and insecure as its ever been.
Ragnarok is really starting to hurt too, and I've felt the urge to quit for good these past few months. However, taking a look at my list of internet friends, I see that a good 90% of them are from RO. I've had a few RO friends who quit, and I lost contact with them completely because I couldn't think of any good conversation starters anymore. I fear the same thing would happen to me.
The reason RO hurts so much is because I spend 99% of my time alone when I play, and its really depressing and really boring. I got a party with two friends a couple of weeks ago, and then promptly blew it by letting them join a party that could get them better exp. Before then, it had been months since I'd done anything but solo, aside from this noob party project Rei has going. Its sort of a vicious cycle... Nobody ever parties me, so I make solo leveling characters, then on the rare occasion someone does want to party, I don't have any party-friendly characters, because they're all solo. Except my High Priest, but really, I only made him to help people I care about, and everyone I care about has either quit RO or has access to far more skilled, better equipped HPs, since HPs are a dime a dozen.
People keep telling me "just ask if you want a party!" but I just can't. I've never been able to. I think about asking people, even friends, and my heart starts racing, I can't catch a deep breath, and I just log off because I'm literally about to have a panic attack. I don't think people understand that its pathologically and physically difficult for me to work up the kind of courage to do things that they can do on a whim. I'm a loner, bottom line. I'm lucky to even have anyone, I keep telling myself. So why would I be so selfish as to ask people to do things with me? Besides, everyone I know with mains on Loki is in a hugeass WoE guild now. Who would want little useless little PVM Tris when they have a whole roster of 99/70s with god equips to party with? Self-pitying bullshit, yes, but it is affecting me, ridiculous as it sounds.
I'm sick of being myself. I'm not asking to be a leading lady here, I'm not asking to be adored and to be the most popular girl in school. I'd just like to stop feeling like all I'm good for is a bit of background color. I want to be valued, I want people to look to me for a good time, I want to be considered, I want to be able to call someone up and take them out for sushi. I want to be an important part of peoples' lives, including my own.
That reminds me, I've had so many internet friends come to me for advice lately, and they keep telling me I'm good at it... That I'm like a big sister, or a mentor, or even a lost part of their own psyche.
The advice I give them most often? Get over yourself. Stop obsessing, buckle down, work hard, shut out distractions. Once you've done that, take a hard look at yourself and do whatever it takes to get out of the bad situation you're in, even if it means ending relationships with people who abuse you. Your life doesn't give a fuck if you're emo, its just going to keep happening whether you keep up or not. I know its not quite the same thing, but maybe I should listen to my own advice. I'm so good at verbalizing my problems and verbalizing other peoples' problems, so why can't I fix myself?
Get over yourself, Samantha!
I feel like I'm going to spend my whole life being "supporting cast."
I know that's an extremely odd statement, but I'm such a minor, unimportant figure to just about everyone I know. Even in my own life, I'm constantly downplaying my own importance, and telling myself I don't have the drive, energy, social skills or talent to accomplish anything. But that's another issue. This entry is mainly going to be me bitching about not having any friends.
All that aside, I have Michael. I don't want to downplay his importance here. He is my best friend, and oftentimes, I feel like he's the only person I have. He really is my rock, its just that friends and lovers aren't the same.
Have I ever told you that I don't have flesh and blood friends? (I'm not including my internet friends. As much as I like many of them, I can't take them out for sushi or for a walk) Michael's two best friends seem to really like me, but I wouldn't feel comfortable having an intimate conversation with either of them, and I can't really call them up out of nowhere. Hell, even some of my internet friends seem like they're just humoring me. They don't talk to me for weeks, say a few words and expect me to be happy with that. And honestly, I usually am. I just like knowing that I'm tolerable, and I get angry at myself for expecting anything more.
Every real life friend I've ever met was introduced to me by someone else, or I found them due to some circumstance that forced us together, like being in the same exploration group at 6th grade camp or being forced to attend a freshmen mixer. I have never taken the initiative to make friends with anyone. Even with my internet friends, I've never been the one to start the conversation. Even if I had the initiative to make friends, I don't have any money or a car. Even if I did, how the hell do I go out and look for people to be friends with? Its not like I'm the type to hang around in bars or go to parties. And I'm utterly boring to boot; all I do is read, watch movies, look at stupid websites, play RO and go to work. Does anyone know a person who arranges playdates for people in their late 20s?
I still think about all of my college buddies, and how much I cared about them. And how I've let myself lose contact with them because I don't think I have anything to offer them anymore. I work for a dollar over minimum wage in an unskilled position while they've become teachers, businessmen, artists... I'm too jealous to even talk to them anymore, and I feel inferior every time I do.
And then there's work. I hear my coworkers asking each other personal questions all the time, and talking to one another about their lives. None of them make any effort to get to know me, and when I volunteer information, I'm usually met with awkward silences and noncommittal responses. They're nice to me, sure, and I feel appreciated and valued as an employee, but I get the distinct feeling they're just keeping me at arm's length and aren't really interested in me as a person.
What makes it all the more depressing is that I'm in a customer service position... And I'm good at it. I have the ability to force a smile and be courteous, informative and friendly to total strangers. Yet at the end of the day, I'm still deathly afraid of personal intimacy and can't even start a conversation with someone. I thought this job might improve my social skills, but I've somehow managed to create an entirely separate persona I use for the public, while leaving my normal persona just as antisocial and insecure as its ever been.
Ragnarok is really starting to hurt too, and I've felt the urge to quit for good these past few months. However, taking a look at my list of internet friends, I see that a good 90% of them are from RO. I've had a few RO friends who quit, and I lost contact with them completely because I couldn't think of any good conversation starters anymore. I fear the same thing would happen to me.
The reason RO hurts so much is because I spend 99% of my time alone when I play, and its really depressing and really boring. I got a party with two friends a couple of weeks ago, and then promptly blew it by letting them join a party that could get them better exp. Before then, it had been months since I'd done anything but solo, aside from this noob party project Rei has going. Its sort of a vicious cycle... Nobody ever parties me, so I make solo leveling characters, then on the rare occasion someone does want to party, I don't have any party-friendly characters, because they're all solo. Except my High Priest, but really, I only made him to help people I care about, and everyone I care about has either quit RO or has access to far more skilled, better equipped HPs, since HPs are a dime a dozen.
People keep telling me "just ask if you want a party!" but I just can't. I've never been able to. I think about asking people, even friends, and my heart starts racing, I can't catch a deep breath, and I just log off because I'm literally about to have a panic attack. I don't think people understand that its pathologically and physically difficult for me to work up the kind of courage to do things that they can do on a whim. I'm a loner, bottom line. I'm lucky to even have anyone, I keep telling myself. So why would I be so selfish as to ask people to do things with me? Besides, everyone I know with mains on Loki is in a hugeass WoE guild now. Who would want little useless little PVM Tris when they have a whole roster of 99/70s with god equips to party with? Self-pitying bullshit, yes, but it is affecting me, ridiculous as it sounds.
I'm sick of being myself. I'm not asking to be a leading lady here, I'm not asking to be adored and to be the most popular girl in school. I'd just like to stop feeling like all I'm good for is a bit of background color. I want to be valued, I want people to look to me for a good time, I want to be considered, I want to be able to call someone up and take them out for sushi. I want to be an important part of peoples' lives, including my own.
That reminds me, I've had so many internet friends come to me for advice lately, and they keep telling me I'm good at it... That I'm like a big sister, or a mentor, or even a lost part of their own psyche.
The advice I give them most often? Get over yourself. Stop obsessing, buckle down, work hard, shut out distractions. Once you've done that, take a hard look at yourself and do whatever it takes to get out of the bad situation you're in, even if it means ending relationships with people who abuse you. Your life doesn't give a fuck if you're emo, its just going to keep happening whether you keep up or not. I know its not quite the same thing, but maybe I should listen to my own advice. I'm so good at verbalizing my problems and verbalizing other peoples' problems, so why can't I fix myself?
Get over yourself, Samantha!