Thoughts on yesterday and bystander interventions
So after yesterday's appointment, I stopped by a pharmacy near my house to pick up some supplies for post-procedure care.
As I approached the entrance, I saw a man coming out of the vestibule with his mask hanging off his ear, which he'd clearly removed while he was still inside the store, presumably to protest the indignity of being forced to act like he gives a shit about other people's health in, y'know, a pharmacy. I waited for him to move away from the door before I approached the entrance, but shortly after he'd passed me, he screamed at the top of his lungs, "FUCK COMMUNISM!"
I didn't even miss a beat. I cackled at him. Like unhinged, wicked witchy cackling. And I didn't even stop to see if he noticed, or look to see what his reaction was. I just walked into the store, still laughing at his fit of pique, where I was greeted by the woman at the register closest to the door, as they're required to do.
"I'm so sorry you had to deal with that," I said.
She didn't even pretend not to know what I was talking about. "He didn't say anything while he was in the store," she said.
"Well, that's good. But still. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that," I said, shaking my head.
"It wasn't bad," she said.
But then she followed me and told me where to find what I wanted before heading back to the register. It was an unusual and notable amount of solicitude, for which I thanked her.
I confess, after she left, I thought to myself, "Y'know, that wasn't kind what you did. You don't know what upset that guy. You just assumed you did. Maybe next time, consider not laughing at someone who's upset." And that was all I thought about the situation until I told Mr. 42 about what had happened.
He was sympathetic, as he's had to deal with mask skeptics and customers who ignore his reminders that masks are required inside his employer. And he made me realize two things about the screaming guy incident. One,The Screamer was absolutely trying to intimidate the poor woman whose job it was to ask people to wear their masks properly inside the store, and quite possibly also me, another woman who was obviously in full compliance with the mask requirement. Two, it was probably extra scary for the cashier to be screamed near/at by an entitled white asshole because she's an Asian woman.
And that's when I'd realized that I'd instinctively used two of the strategies I learned about in the anti-harassment and bystander intervention trainings I took last week. (If you're interested in these trainings, they're awesome AND free and you can register here!). By cackling at him, I distracted the guy from being pissed off at the cashier (see Distract). By expressing my sympathy to the cashier (see Delay), I was validating her experience and letting her know that his actions weren't okay.
For reference, here are those strategies (the five Ds):
Distract: break up the situation by distracting the harasser. Things like addressing the victim as though you're their friend, "accidentally" dropping or spilling something on/near the harasser, breaking into song, inserting yourself physically between the harasser and victim, etc.
Delegate: tell someone in a position authority about the harassment, like a bus driver or a security person. A good strategy if you're worried about the harasser targeting you next (note: for obvious reasons, don't call the police if the victim would be more in danger from them)
Document: photograph or film the incident and, if at all possible, give those records to the victim so they can decide when and how to disseminate it. (note: it can be exploitative and traumatizing to a victim for someone else to post documentation of their abuse without their consent)
Delay: check in with the victim, ask them if they're okay and/or if they need you to walk them somewhere, etc. Having someone say something in support of the victim has been shown to lessen their trauma. It's also a good strategy if fear for your own safety keeps you from intervening more directly. Trust your instincts.
Direct: tell the harasser to stop and/or go away.
Note: all of these methods are beneficial. There's no one that's objectively better than the others, though some are more appropriate to different situations, and they all help the victim in different ways.
So yeah.
Here's hoping I'll be smart enough to recognize deliberate harassment next time and think before I act. But I'm not feeling so guilty for laughing at the guy. Though maybe next time I'll sing the Toreador Song instead of cackling. Y'know, if I'm warmed up.
Love and Hugs to All,
Mun42
As I approached the entrance, I saw a man coming out of the vestibule with his mask hanging off his ear, which he'd clearly removed while he was still inside the store, presumably to protest the indignity of being forced to act like he gives a shit about other people's health in, y'know, a pharmacy. I waited for him to move away from the door before I approached the entrance, but shortly after he'd passed me, he screamed at the top of his lungs, "FUCK COMMUNISM!"
I didn't even miss a beat. I cackled at him. Like unhinged, wicked witchy cackling. And I didn't even stop to see if he noticed, or look to see what his reaction was. I just walked into the store, still laughing at his fit of pique, where I was greeted by the woman at the register closest to the door, as they're required to do.
"I'm so sorry you had to deal with that," I said.
She didn't even pretend not to know what I was talking about. "He didn't say anything while he was in the store," she said.
"Well, that's good. But still. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that," I said, shaking my head.
"It wasn't bad," she said.
But then she followed me and told me where to find what I wanted before heading back to the register. It was an unusual and notable amount of solicitude, for which I thanked her.
I confess, after she left, I thought to myself, "Y'know, that wasn't kind what you did. You don't know what upset that guy. You just assumed you did. Maybe next time, consider not laughing at someone who's upset." And that was all I thought about the situation until I told Mr. 42 about what had happened.
He was sympathetic, as he's had to deal with mask skeptics and customers who ignore his reminders that masks are required inside his employer. And he made me realize two things about the screaming guy incident. One,The Screamer was absolutely trying to intimidate the poor woman whose job it was to ask people to wear their masks properly inside the store, and quite possibly also me, another woman who was obviously in full compliance with the mask requirement. Two, it was probably extra scary for the cashier to be screamed near/at by an entitled white asshole because she's an Asian woman.
And that's when I'd realized that I'd instinctively used two of the strategies I learned about in the anti-harassment and bystander intervention trainings I took last week. (If you're interested in these trainings, they're awesome AND free and you can register here!). By cackling at him, I distracted the guy from being pissed off at the cashier (see Distract). By expressing my sympathy to the cashier (see Delay), I was validating her experience and letting her know that his actions weren't okay.
For reference, here are those strategies (the five Ds):
Distract: break up the situation by distracting the harasser. Things like addressing the victim as though you're their friend, "accidentally" dropping or spilling something on/near the harasser, breaking into song, inserting yourself physically between the harasser and victim, etc.
Delegate: tell someone in a position authority about the harassment, like a bus driver or a security person. A good strategy if you're worried about the harasser targeting you next (note: for obvious reasons, don't call the police if the victim would be more in danger from them)
Document: photograph or film the incident and, if at all possible, give those records to the victim so they can decide when and how to disseminate it. (note: it can be exploitative and traumatizing to a victim for someone else to post documentation of their abuse without their consent)
Delay: check in with the victim, ask them if they're okay and/or if they need you to walk them somewhere, etc. Having someone say something in support of the victim has been shown to lessen their trauma. It's also a good strategy if fear for your own safety keeps you from intervening more directly. Trust your instincts.
Direct: tell the harasser to stop and/or go away.
Note: all of these methods are beneficial. There's no one that's objectively better than the others, though some are more appropriate to different situations, and they all help the victim in different ways.
So yeah.
Here's hoping I'll be smart enough to recognize deliberate harassment next time and think before I act. But I'm not feeling so guilty for laughing at the guy. Though maybe next time I'll sing the Toreador Song instead of cackling. Y'know, if I'm warmed up.
Love and Hugs to All,
Mun42