Finnally getting some of this off my chest
Ah my minds racing. there was the issue tonight. i mean i had no idea he would be there and the only reason Dan was there was because he had to bring arla down from shelton. I can tolerate Dan. I forgave. i understood hes just not a good boyfriend. BUt i never fuled the fire between christian and him. i mean i told christian what he did, but i never said i hated Dan directly... did i? :\ there were a few online fights.. what 3 or 4 at the most? but how long ago did this happen? 6 or 7 months ago? I understand inthe beggining i was mad too cause some of those online fights i was actually involved in. If 6 or 7 months ago there had been a fight i would have been more ready and willing to let it happen than i was tonight. but there were other factors involved tonight. Arla is the kids brother. Would you want to have seen your brother beaten within an inch of his life cause lets face it thats what was gonna happen. compare christian to dan ... come on! lol and matt wasnt to happy about it either. and the cops showed up anyway which isnt really a reason just good luck that nothing serious went down. But even if christian and dan had fought i mean what was really going to be accomplished? thats what i dont get ... what was going to be the point? To let dan "get his"? i mean sure the kid needs some major attitude adjustment but beating him up over me? who said i was EVER that important! certainly not me. i hate having to talk about what happened between me and dan. Its embarrassing. i mean people know now cause i was almost kicked out of school for it, but when it was happening i only told like two people.
but nothing happend so i guess it really doesnt matter...
Another issue, that coincidently slightly involves the two boys previously mentioned, is why i have yet to find another boyfriend. Its not as if i havnt been hanging out with guys or whatever. i hang out with my guy friends more than with anyone else. But i think im honestly scared. it sounds stupid. "I'm afrad to go out with someone" but ive cme to the conclusion that its true. Crushes for me are never anything serious. But ive noticed i always find some reason to forget about the guy i like. Even with Dan and christian. i never expected to go out with either of them. i never let myself get all excited for nothing. it didnt seem logical. ( not that im always thinking with logic) i just dont like being let dow liek that, and having a crush is something i could control i could stop it when i thought i would get let down. Dan i went out with him for kicks and it lasted 4 times longer than i expected. With christian he was persistant. i liked him immediatly of course but i wasnt convinced he liekd me. but i gave in to his persistence. i mean everyone else i know has had millions of guys theyve liked but i can count all my high school crushes on one hand. So obviously i just dont let myself like any boy that comes along. i find reasons not to. Ussually things about their personality. But ive noticed to even when they are really easy to talk to and i have a lot in common with them i still just dont let things happen. It bothers me in a way. there are some things about having a boyfriend that i miss. but then i look back and really think about how guys have treated me. and it scares me....
for instance
everyone looks back on there first kiss as somethign really great! it was their FIRST kiss.
First kid i kissed his name was alex by definition i guess he was "popular". whatever he was just being really friendly and actually talking to me. so we hung out and flirted ( min you this was the freshman class trip) and then by the end of the night we had kissed and made out.
now come on i was stupid i thought maybe he would ask me out maybe i can finally have a boyfriend. maybe for once i can feel loved. but no
the next day i didnt even get a hello.
flash forward thru a few more instances like this.
Sophmore year about a month in. theres this cute kid. who starts hitting on me on feild day. well of course im flatered. it feels great once again to feel wanted and liked and noticed. so we go out things are cool typical puppy love relationship. i mean im sure everyone was sick of us after the first few months you know how that is. and yea we had sex.
Again he was my first! it could have been the worst sex in the world but i would have still thougth it was amazing just because it made me feel Fucking special.
so that all went to hell aroudn the time of the sophomore trip. we all know what happend, and yes it went on till until i really broke up with him after last thanksgiving. ive blocked out alot more than i thought i did when i look back on it. i remeber going days without him ever trying to get in touch with me.
so i stopped calling guys.
then after i broke up with dan there was about a week where i brainwashed myself into pretending nothing had happend. but the damn issue kept poping up so i just pushed it far far back into my mind and tried not to let it bother me.
so december 10 a day i wish i could live forever. this was the day i hung out with Christian at oddfellows. one moent i disticntly remeber was him asking about the part of the brain that is right ehind your forehead. i said frontal lobe and got a dollar. now as i said i liked the kid right away. but i refused to let myself show it. so he wanted to hang out thatsunday but i couldnt i guess i wa out longer than i thought and he was all bummed out and i made real plans to hang out with him that next saturday.
so whatever our relationship moved fast physically. But not so much emotionally. althought i remeber always crying alot.
the first month we were "together" then he asked me out January 8th. i walked to his front porch there was a note on the door. "go upstairs to the computer room" so i did and i saw the computer. the background said "I love you" and brand new was blasting fromthe speakers. i turned to see a smalltable with a jewlry box a letter that said "will you go out with me yes/no?" and this big chunky ring.
now the ring was meant to be a joke. but when christian walke din i said i loved it anyway.
but how he aske dme out isnt the point its just a really good memory and it made me feel really loved once again. but after about a month and a half he started being .... well weird i guess for lack of better words. he didnt talk to me as much online he never called and as i said i dont call boys i mean i will if they ask me too but even then its very unusual for me to call. and he started pulling this stupid shit like
pretending to break up with me
and pretending to be mad at me
and doing things he thought was funny
like titty twisters to the point of me crying
or yelling at me as a joke to where i would be reminded of Dan and freak out.
no matter tho i thought of breaking up with him but damn i liked the kid i cant lie. but none the less after my stupid drinking night he broke up with me online.
the next month after that is very dark. i didnt eat. and didnt smile for a good two weeks LITERALLY
those who were with me in shcool know how bad it was. ask me all you liek about that period in time but im not going into more detail about it.
and after that month he wanted to hang out again and since then its been on and off with me and him one day im his "love" the next hes doign some girl whos name i shall keep confidential and of course i stayed with him. i mean yea i waas being used as a yo yo in my eyes but according to him i did a lot of messed up shit which i also dont want to go into cause its still very recent and im sure this whole entry with piss him off to the point of say i dont want to talk to you anymore ONLY TO CALL TWO WEEKS LATER
so yea look at this bullshit and tell me what reasons do i have left to let myself fall in love. I understand completly that it could have been ten million times worse. and sometimes im glad it happend to me cause if it wasnt me it would have been someone else even one of my friends. I mean its a part of life that this shit happens right?
I dont know but this is why im afraid. this is why i make up reasons not to like people. this is just how it is and no its not stopping me from liking guys im not that pathetic. it just deters me from most of them. and i just always worry im going for the wrong ones
help