(no subject)
I've got a lot to say about this... forgive me if it runs a little long...
I'll start with your first comment, about how the ups and downs have
been determined by me. I'll point out here (and probably throughout
this email) that it was never my intention to be the director of this
relationship, and it was never my intention to be the one hurting you
continually. I'm really, really sorry. It makes me upset to think
that I was responsible for all of this. I guess that all I can say is
that had I known about seven months ago, seven weeks ago or seven days
ago I would have felt just as bad, and would have tried to do anything
to stop it from happening, even if that meant not seeing you or
hearing from you anymore.
I'll be honest. I'm sort of used to getting used to being the bad guy
in a relationship, but in this case I guess I just didn't see it
coming. I thought that I had been honest with you; when I felt
uncomfortable about something (that I was lecturing or talking down to
you) or if I had concerns about what was going to happen (me moving
away, you moving away, our places in life) that it was voiced and
talked about. Now granted it was hard for us to really voice those
concerns very openly... there was communication strained by time and
distance, as well as by the fact that we both communicate quite
differently. Not to say that one way is better than the other, but
I'm vocal. You are not. It's something about you that I am
interested in, and it also happens to be a place where we do not
connect. Our places in life haven't been very conducive to resolving
that connection, even now that I'm back in town. Again, I never
wanted you to get hurt because of anything happened or didn't happen,
what was said or wasn't said.
The next part of your email makes me flat out angry.... with you and
with me. I absolutely positively never thought that any fun I poked
at you was going to make you feel fat/less of a human again. I could
go on about this for a long time, but I think that it will suffice to
say that I think that you are indeed a pretty girl just to look at.
But it is exactly your flaws/quirks that make you truly beautiful. I
make fun of uncool Britney because, as I've voiced in the past, I
think that is the most real you, and I make fun of it because I see
you trying to hide such a wonderful person in there. I've said it
before (and, if I remember right, got the only real disaggreement I've
ever really gotten out of you), but I believe you are afraid of your
own shadow a little. I realize that you are aware of your
surroundings... but I feel like you don't do a whole lot to protect
yourself when you are in dangerous territory. For all the time I
spent making fun of you, did I not embrace you and your faults as
well? I guess I'm mad at myself for not seeing that I was exactly what
you didn't need. I can't stop you from feeling like I was doing
things to gain power over you. But I think it is pretty short sighted
to continue to do so. I'm not afraid of what you think of that,
because it kind of seems like you've had enough of me anyway.
I'm not Alec. I think that you know that. I can promise you that, in
this life, you will meet more people who care about you (watch out, I
feel another lecture coming on). Some of them may be guys. You may
have a relationship with them. One thing you may have to seperate at
some point is the difference between something not working out
romantically, even if there is a strong connection, and something that
is hurtful/harmful. I guess that I saw us as something we could
both learn from, even if we ended up going our separate ways, and
something positive. I am beginning to see that, as we are, I was
wrong. I'm sorry that it hurt you so much, and sorrier that I didn't
know about it sooner.
I asked you the other week at the Honey Moon what you wanted from
this. I guess I still don't know. I'm not embarresed by you or your
age, and I don't think you are immature. I just think we don't see
this in the same light based on where we are and who we've dated and
under what circumstances we've been dating others, and I think that,
even though we may have convinced ourselves of the contrary, we've
been on a different page for some time now. But I want you to know
that I know you don't need me for anything, and that you I knew you
were perfectly capable of running your own life before you met me and
you are certainly still capable now that it seems our time together is
coming to an end. But I will still be here if you need me. I will
continue to care very much about you for a long, long time. I had a
good time getting to know you.
Really though... one thing I hope you know is that by sending emails
with really dramatic endings, you do get me upset (it's intended
goal), but realize that I still see it as bullshit, pure and simple.
This is an emotional subject, but I promise you that I'm not going to
stop being honest with you just because the situation is tense and it
seems like a disaster is going to strike here. No matter what happens
with us, the sun will rise tomorrow, I'm gonna keep on doing what I'm
doing. And I'm still going to wish you all the best, and hope that
from all of this, at some point hopefully in the not too distant
future, we can come to some kind of understanding about this. Maybe
I've got this all wrong, and if I do, I would hope you would call me
out on it. I know I don't have it all right. But it kind of seems
like you're looking for the easy way out here.
But regardless, like I said before: I'm really sorry, honestly. I
did not intend for you to be hurt like that. If nothing else, I hope
you believe that.
Sean
I'll start with your first comment, about how the ups and downs have
been determined by me. I'll point out here (and probably throughout
this email) that it was never my intention to be the director of this
relationship, and it was never my intention to be the one hurting you
continually. I'm really, really sorry. It makes me upset to think
that I was responsible for all of this. I guess that all I can say is
that had I known about seven months ago, seven weeks ago or seven days
ago I would have felt just as bad, and would have tried to do anything
to stop it from happening, even if that meant not seeing you or
hearing from you anymore.
I'll be honest. I'm sort of used to getting used to being the bad guy
in a relationship, but in this case I guess I just didn't see it
coming. I thought that I had been honest with you; when I felt
uncomfortable about something (that I was lecturing or talking down to
you) or if I had concerns about what was going to happen (me moving
away, you moving away, our places in life) that it was voiced and
talked about. Now granted it was hard for us to really voice those
concerns very openly... there was communication strained by time and
distance, as well as by the fact that we both communicate quite
differently. Not to say that one way is better than the other, but
I'm vocal. You are not. It's something about you that I am
interested in, and it also happens to be a place where we do not
connect. Our places in life haven't been very conducive to resolving
that connection, even now that I'm back in town. Again, I never
wanted you to get hurt because of anything happened or didn't happen,
what was said or wasn't said.
The next part of your email makes me flat out angry.... with you and
with me. I absolutely positively never thought that any fun I poked
at you was going to make you feel fat/less of a human again. I could
go on about this for a long time, but I think that it will suffice to
say that I think that you are indeed a pretty girl just to look at.
But it is exactly your flaws/quirks that make you truly beautiful. I
make fun of uncool Britney because, as I've voiced in the past, I
think that is the most real you, and I make fun of it because I see
you trying to hide such a wonderful person in there. I've said it
before (and, if I remember right, got the only real disaggreement I've
ever really gotten out of you), but I believe you are afraid of your
own shadow a little. I realize that you are aware of your
surroundings... but I feel like you don't do a whole lot to protect
yourself when you are in dangerous territory. For all the time I
spent making fun of you, did I not embrace you and your faults as
well? I guess I'm mad at myself for not seeing that I was exactly what
you didn't need. I can't stop you from feeling like I was doing
things to gain power over you. But I think it is pretty short sighted
to continue to do so. I'm not afraid of what you think of that,
because it kind of seems like you've had enough of me anyway.
I'm not Alec. I think that you know that. I can promise you that, in
this life, you will meet more people who care about you (watch out, I
feel another lecture coming on). Some of them may be guys. You may
have a relationship with them. One thing you may have to seperate at
some point is the difference between something not working out
romantically, even if there is a strong connection, and something that
is hurtful/harmful. I guess that I saw us as something we could
both learn from, even if we ended up going our separate ways, and
something positive. I am beginning to see that, as we are, I was
wrong. I'm sorry that it hurt you so much, and sorrier that I didn't
know about it sooner.
I asked you the other week at the Honey Moon what you wanted from
this. I guess I still don't know. I'm not embarresed by you or your
age, and I don't think you are immature. I just think we don't see
this in the same light based on where we are and who we've dated and
under what circumstances we've been dating others, and I think that,
even though we may have convinced ourselves of the contrary, we've
been on a different page for some time now. But I want you to know
that I know you don't need me for anything, and that you I knew you
were perfectly capable of running your own life before you met me and
you are certainly still capable now that it seems our time together is
coming to an end. But I will still be here if you need me. I will
continue to care very much about you for a long, long time. I had a
good time getting to know you.
Really though... one thing I hope you know is that by sending emails
with really dramatic endings, you do get me upset (it's intended
goal), but realize that I still see it as bullshit, pure and simple.
This is an emotional subject, but I promise you that I'm not going to
stop being honest with you just because the situation is tense and it
seems like a disaster is going to strike here. No matter what happens
with us, the sun will rise tomorrow, I'm gonna keep on doing what I'm
doing. And I'm still going to wish you all the best, and hope that
from all of this, at some point hopefully in the not too distant
future, we can come to some kind of understanding about this. Maybe
I've got this all wrong, and if I do, I would hope you would call me
out on it. I know I don't have it all right. But it kind of seems
like you're looking for the easy way out here.
But regardless, like I said before: I'm really sorry, honestly. I
did not intend for you to be hurt like that. If nothing else, I hope
you believe that.
Sean