Reflections.
Just wanted everyone here to know, I'm still breathing. It's been an incredibly difficult three weeks. Eric has cut several teeth, which began shortly after mom's passing.
It's been so difficult not to pick up the phone to share this bit of info with her. I'm dreading Christmas, I don't want to do anything this year, but no one seems to understand nor frickin' care.
The only thing I want to do is write, which i have-- poetry, nothing on my book...I'm starting to think I'll back burner it and start something new....I think it's just too difficult to work on my WIP because I had discussed it at length with my mom. However, I did do a bit of journaling of reflections of the past year....posting it here so that I can look back over it and remember.
2005 -- Dreamer’s Reflections.
January -- The start of a new year. It was also the start of many complications during my pregnancy. I spent a night in the hospital due to dehydration.
February--Spent, I believe it was, 2 nights in the hospital due to bleeding no one ever found a reason for
March--Pre-term labor. Lucky for me, they were able to stop it, so that my son wasn’t born at 34 weeks.
April--FINALLY, happy times, my son was born on April 20th this however, was wrought with the underlying feeling that something was very wrong with my mother.
May --My 1st mother’s day, and Eric began smiling, really big true smiles
June-- My birthday, and father’s day, my husband’s 1st, and my 2nd since losing my father. Eric began laughing, and really holding his head up well
July--The third anniversary of losing my father. Eric started rolling over.
August--My little one had an eye Dr appt that I was completely utterly panicked over. No one wants to think their child is anything but perfect. Thankfully all turned out well.
September-Eric said “mama” the first time. The start of a downward spiral in the life of dreamer. On September 12th I received word on the passing of a very dear friend. 12 days later, I received news that changed my life forever. My mom had a mass on her lung, which might prove to be cancerous. I didn’t need the results-- I knew it was.
October -- Eric made his first attempts at crawling. Found out that my mom had “3-6 months without chemo, MAYBE 6-9 with treatment” I spent three weeks in Vegas with my mom. I watched her go through her first and only chemo treatment, and watched as we nearly lost her then. However, knowing that she got to be with her youngest grandson, and that I’d have the memories, made leaving on the 30th, knowing it would be the last time I would ever see her again, a little more bearable
November-Eric cut his first teeth, and began really crawling and “cruising” as I call it. Walking along the furniture, he just doesn’t yet have the courage to let go. He’s growing up so fast, which is interesting to say the least. With trepidation, hubby and I celebrated Thanksgiving, knowing that next year, my mother wouldn’t be alive to celebrate with like we had planned. The last time I talked to her, she had sounded fine, and I with full faith, believed she would make it to Christmas. She passed away two days later.
December-The end of 2005 has come, and while I look at my son, who is 8 months old today, I am forced to also realize that this will be the first Christmas without my mother, AND my father while trying to be happy over the fact that it will be my son’s first Christmas. I have only begun to really deal, and started healing from this, but I know it’s going to be a long hard road.
It's been so difficult not to pick up the phone to share this bit of info with her. I'm dreading Christmas, I don't want to do anything this year, but no one seems to understand nor frickin' care.
The only thing I want to do is write, which i have-- poetry, nothing on my book...I'm starting to think I'll back burner it and start something new....I think it's just too difficult to work on my WIP because I had discussed it at length with my mom. However, I did do a bit of journaling of reflections of the past year....posting it here so that I can look back over it and remember.
2005 -- Dreamer’s Reflections.
January -- The start of a new year. It was also the start of many complications during my pregnancy. I spent a night in the hospital due to dehydration.
February--Spent, I believe it was, 2 nights in the hospital due to bleeding no one ever found a reason for
March--Pre-term labor. Lucky for me, they were able to stop it, so that my son wasn’t born at 34 weeks.
April--FINALLY, happy times, my son was born on April 20th this however, was wrought with the underlying feeling that something was very wrong with my mother.
May --My 1st mother’s day, and Eric began smiling, really big true smiles
June-- My birthday, and father’s day, my husband’s 1st, and my 2nd since losing my father. Eric began laughing, and really holding his head up well
July--The third anniversary of losing my father. Eric started rolling over.
August--My little one had an eye Dr appt that I was completely utterly panicked over. No one wants to think their child is anything but perfect. Thankfully all turned out well.
September-Eric said “mama” the first time. The start of a downward spiral in the life of dreamer. On September 12th I received word on the passing of a very dear friend. 12 days later, I received news that changed my life forever. My mom had a mass on her lung, which might prove to be cancerous. I didn’t need the results-- I knew it was.
October -- Eric made his first attempts at crawling. Found out that my mom had “3-6 months without chemo, MAYBE 6-9 with treatment” I spent three weeks in Vegas with my mom. I watched her go through her first and only chemo treatment, and watched as we nearly lost her then. However, knowing that she got to be with her youngest grandson, and that I’d have the memories, made leaving on the 30th, knowing it would be the last time I would ever see her again, a little more bearable
November-Eric cut his first teeth, and began really crawling and “cruising” as I call it. Walking along the furniture, he just doesn’t yet have the courage to let go. He’s growing up so fast, which is interesting to say the least. With trepidation, hubby and I celebrated Thanksgiving, knowing that next year, my mother wouldn’t be alive to celebrate with like we had planned. The last time I talked to her, she had sounded fine, and I with full faith, believed she would make it to Christmas. She passed away two days later.
December-The end of 2005 has come, and while I look at my son, who is 8 months old today, I am forced to also realize that this will be the first Christmas without my mother, AND my father while trying to be happy over the fact that it will be my son’s first Christmas. I have only begun to really deal, and started healing from this, but I know it’s going to be a long hard road.