(Death) Note Comes For a Visit
Word Count: 2383
Rating: PG
Warnings: Crack; bad writing
Summary: Another normal day at the SOS Brigade. Unfortunately.
Another end to the school day, another day to somehow prevent whatever crazy havoc Haruhi was bound to think up (unconsciously or not) at the club. Kyon yawned.
He tiredly opened the door to the SOS Brigade and regarded the idyllic scene before him. He then made the firm decision to quickly step back outside. Shutting the door softly, he proceeded to quietly freak out, wallowing in his head silently about how unfair it was that an after school activity caused him so much peril and Tylenol on an almost bloody daily basis. Why, oh why didn't he join the nice, unassuming, highly useful crocheting circle instead?
Oh right, he didn't have much of a choice.
Still staring at the closed door and the horror that was waiting within, he began to entertain ideas about sneaking away from club activities that afternoon. Unfortunately, he forgot that God hated him with a passion (and makes him pay for lunch too damn much), which of course meant that the desired result was not meant to be. As he turned around, he tripped over a pair of shoe clad feet (which was, you know, awkward and disturbing when he started to wonder how long they were standing right behind him) and fell flat on his ass, bringing him face to groin seams with Koizumi Itsuki.
"Kyon-kun, what a nice surprise." Koizumi said, smiling down on him. Kyon bristled, averting his eyes out of courtesy. Which you don't have one iota of, do you? I don't know even know where to begin with how so very wrong and creepy that statement is on so many levels. He spent a second lamenting his own misfortune before remembering that his face was too close to a place he'd rather never set eyes on, and oh, that's right, the imminent debacle he would no doubt be involved in if he wasn't very far away from the room behind him.
"Yo Koizumi," he replied, quickly straightening to an upright position, "the othello board is missing. I m going to look for a new one." Brushing the dirt from his knees, he cleared his throat inconspicuously and waltzed straight past the psychic (insofar as he got to be relieved for about a millionth of a second) before having Koizumi's strong grip drag his resigned self back into what was no doubt, a room of quietly escalating chaos. He was deposited on a chair, and subsequently caught Asahina's concerned gaze. Ah Asahina, the balm of my existence. If only you were wearing a ponytail to go with the nurse's outfit you're wearing today. But that's not really the problem here. Well, it was a problem, but one that would have him hurtling through time and space to get to the clubroom, not suppressing his desire to shriek like a damsel in distress and run the hell away as fast as he could. No, the real problem was towering over the table in a trench coat and fedora in thirty-six degree heat.
Also a white laptop with a cursive L on the screen, hooked up with speakers and a microphone staring him in the face.
At that moment, Kyon started to feel the familiar dropping of his stomach directly related to Haruhism phenomena. The sinking weight anchored on his stomach lining when he recalled seeing that L font in the media, what with the recent ongoing pissing contest between Interpol and the mysterious killer giving them the metaphorical one fingered salute. He sighed despondently, and slouched, resisting the urge to rub a hand over his face. "Asahina-san, Yuki, what's going on?"
Nagato Yuki looked up from the truly enthralling 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, Other Species from Pekopon and Related Satellites', and flickered her attention briefly onto his face before returning to her reading with a slight movement of her shoulders. Yes Yuki, thank you for that succinct analysis.
"Um, well..." Asahina started, pouring him a cup of tea. "Watari-san here wanted to ask us about something." She gestured to the screen.
"Actually, I'm L." An electronically scrambled voice replied. "My colleague present with you is Watari."
Asahina rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "Sorry." She lifted her teapot and hefted it towards Fedora Watari. "Tea?"
Meanwhile, Yuki had started reaching for the keyboard. She was probably intending to remove the voice scrambler before Kyon grabbed her wrists, shaking his head frantically. She blinked once.
"The audio appears to be unclear. For purposes of clarity, it should be fixed." She explained, as though the one who truly did not have a grasp on situation was Kyon.
He simply returned her hand to the cover of her book firmly. "Let's just hear them out first." And if you unscramble the voice, I'll have an aneurysm.
She looked at him uncomprehendingly before dropping her book into her lap. "That is acceptable."
Kyon glanced at Koizumi s serene smile and carefree self on the end of the table next to Yuki, and inwardly scowled. Gee, thanks for helping me there, you smarmy bastard.
Kyon turned towards the screen with a put upon face. "And? What would you like to ask us, uh, Mr. L?"
"I'll be frank with you then." The electronic voice crackled. "I suspect a member of your brigade to be the notorious murderer, Kira." A shuffle of clothing and the creak of a chair was heard before the voice continued. "I have calculated that there is a 0.012% chance that your leader, Suzumiya Haruhi, is murdering criminals from afar." Three pairs of eyes blinked and one eyebrow twitched. What kind of ludicrous percentage is that?!
"Uh," Kyon said, putting up his hand in a stop-right-there movement. "How would she do that?"
"That information is classified." The voice crackled. Asahina looked put out at having her catch cry stolen.
Kyon pointedly took a long drag of his tea to collect himself, and then set it back on the desk.
"Although she has a maniacal laugh and an unholy gleam in her eyes, I hardly think Haruhi is capable of killing people from afar. Even if they were criminals." Kyon stated reasonably. Well, it's not like she couldn't, but... "Do you have anything to support your hypothesis?"
L's voice scrambled from the speakers after a pause, in which Kyon thought he heard some plop-plop sounds, as though someone was dropping rocks into water. "From logical deduction, Kira's actions are juvenile; thus placing them in the mental capacity held by teenagers. Their course of action leads me to believe they are both naiive and outrageous. For them to execute these murders so well, it also falls upon themselves to be genius strategists, or at the very least, extremely cunning--"
...Right.
"Uh, that's all well and good. But there s nothing that really singles Haruhi out as Kira." Kyon interrupted.
An audible slurp sounded through the speakers before the voice resumed. "They also have a high probability of being psychotic, spoilt rotten and possessing a God complex, or believing themselves to be God."
Huh.
At that point, Kyon help up a hand and called a time out. He herded the brigade members out of room into the computer clubroom next door, conveniently empty (probably Haruhi's doing). He closed the door gently and got straight to the point.
"Right, is there some sort of relation between this L guy and your respective organizations?"
"Negative." Yuki answered. "Although he is a computer, the Data Entity would never send an agent that would make themselves so publicly known."
There was a pause as the others processed the ludicrous statement. Kyon often forgot how out of whack Yuki was with the rest of the world, but thank goodness she reminded him well and often of how much of an alien life form she truly was. He would have clear up this whole internet mass communication thing with her though.
Asahina shook herself out. "Um...another slider wouldn't come into contact with me like this, I don't think. I haven't heard anything about it from my comrades either." A pensive look appeared on her face. A"lthough I thought Watari-san seemed a little familiar..." She went on, furrowing her brow.
Asahina-san, you're thoughtful expression is so cute. Kyon couldn't help thinking.
"Although it appears as though he has telepathic abilities, he's definitely not from my agency either." Koizumi said.
Kyon rested his chin on his fist. "Hm, so how did they even find out about this club anyway?" He muttered.
Asahina tilted her head. "The website maybe?"
Kyon started. You're telling me someone actually visits that excuse for a webpage?
"Anyway, what exactly are the odds of Haruhi being Kira?" Kyon asked.
"Well, she is God, so it is likely if she wanted to kill people, especially criminals, she is technically able to do it without much more than a passing thought. She moulds this world to her liking after all." Koizumi reasoned.
"But, Suzumiya-san doesn't seem so malicious that she thinks about criminals dying so often." Asahina countered.
Kyon very much doubted Haruhi's grasp of international affairs at any rate. Not to mention she doesn't take note of anything that doesn't interest her. Haruhi still doesn't know the names of half of the homeroom class, much less the names of international criminals. Yet there was still some thought niggling at the back of his mind, something that made his gut feeling believe Haruhi did indeed have something to do with this current predicament.
"Impossible." Yuki snapped her tome closed. "The Data Entity has recorded no significant change made to the Earth as of late that would indicate her involvement."
Kyon's probe of his mind was unsuccessful at turning up any solid evidence other than the odd feeling that he had heard something from Haruhi recently that indicated otherwise, so he was forced to about face and return to the Literature Clubroom.
As they reentered the room, L declared his business done, and his new calculation of Haruhi's probability of being Kira to have risen to 0.024%. What the--it increased? How?! You didn't even meet her!
They escorted the laptop and Fedora Man from the room, declaring that Haruhi was definitely not Kira, but promising if they did find any leads about who Kira was, they'd post it on the website. Before L was packed into his carry case, the disembodied voice parted with a warning.
"Whatever you may believe, I still suspect Suzumiya Haruhi. I am not able to do anything about it until I obtain some concrete evidence, but have no doubts; I will be investigating this brigade very thoroughly."
After that ominous remark, they exited with some trouble due to the door's locking mechanism. Kyon glared balefully. I still don't know what you came here for and what you accomplished, but you piss me off. It was almost enough to almost make Kyon sic Yuki on L's system, but he reigned in his irritation as Asahina poured him another cup of tea and Koizumi set up the Go board for another relaxing afternoon in the club where he still had no idea what they actually did. As they were deciding who was going to be black, Haruhi's initial introduction speech rang through Kyon's head.
I have no interest in ordinary human beings. If there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, or ESPers here.. come join me. That is all!
Wait. Hold on.
If there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, or ESPers here.. come join me!
No, there was more to that list now. Haruhi had altered it slightly on the recruitment poster for the club, but what did it say again? Kyon wracked his brain for the new addition, the cogs and gears slotting into place as the clubroom door slammed open with a triumphant bang.
"Minions! We have a new member of SOS Brigade joining today!" Suzumiya Haruhi thrust a good looking boy forward and started waving her hands around. "That's the Vice President, Number One, Number Two and Number Three. You!" she slapped the newcomer on the shoulder. "Are Number Four! Ok! Time to plan the initiation! Kyon, if you come late, you're buying lunch!"
As the wheels started to turn inside his head, Kyon finally remembered Haruhi's amended list on her latest campaign posters, featuring not only Asahina and Haruhi in a bunny girl outfit, but also Yuki and disturbingly enough, Koizumi as well.
If there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, ESPers, or megalomaniac psychotic justice crusaders bent on ruling the world... come join me!
Kyon almost hurt himself swiveling to meet the newest member's gaze, catching his introduction at the same time. Wicked sharp eyes met his.
"Yagami Raito. How do you do?"
For some reason, Kyon imagined hearing the crunching of an apple core and a truly gleeful cackle. He pinched the bridge of his nose and held back a grimace.
Oh, come on. Give me a break already.
-end.
Written so, so long ago. I'm proud of a few ideas and stuff in here, although my tense misusage makes me cringe.
Rating: PG
Warnings: Crack; bad writing
Summary: Another normal day at the SOS Brigade. Unfortunately.
Another end to the school day, another day to somehow prevent whatever crazy havoc Haruhi was bound to think up (unconsciously or not) at the club. Kyon yawned.
He tiredly opened the door to the SOS Brigade and regarded the idyllic scene before him. He then made the firm decision to quickly step back outside. Shutting the door softly, he proceeded to quietly freak out, wallowing in his head silently about how unfair it was that an after school activity caused him so much peril and Tylenol on an almost bloody daily basis. Why, oh why didn't he join the nice, unassuming, highly useful crocheting circle instead?
Oh right, he didn't have much of a choice.
Still staring at the closed door and the horror that was waiting within, he began to entertain ideas about sneaking away from club activities that afternoon. Unfortunately, he forgot that God hated him with a passion (and makes him pay for lunch too damn much), which of course meant that the desired result was not meant to be. As he turned around, he tripped over a pair of shoe clad feet (which was, you know, awkward and disturbing when he started to wonder how long they were standing right behind him) and fell flat on his ass, bringing him face to groin seams with Koizumi Itsuki.
"Kyon-kun, what a nice surprise." Koizumi said, smiling down on him. Kyon bristled, averting his eyes out of courtesy. Which you don't have one iota of, do you? I don't know even know where to begin with how so very wrong and creepy that statement is on so many levels. He spent a second lamenting his own misfortune before remembering that his face was too close to a place he'd rather never set eyes on, and oh, that's right, the imminent debacle he would no doubt be involved in if he wasn't very far away from the room behind him.
"Yo Koizumi," he replied, quickly straightening to an upright position, "the othello board is missing. I m going to look for a new one." Brushing the dirt from his knees, he cleared his throat inconspicuously and waltzed straight past the psychic (insofar as he got to be relieved for about a millionth of a second) before having Koizumi's strong grip drag his resigned self back into what was no doubt, a room of quietly escalating chaos. He was deposited on a chair, and subsequently caught Asahina's concerned gaze. Ah Asahina, the balm of my existence. If only you were wearing a ponytail to go with the nurse's outfit you're wearing today. But that's not really the problem here. Well, it was a problem, but one that would have him hurtling through time and space to get to the clubroom, not suppressing his desire to shriek like a damsel in distress and run the hell away as fast as he could. No, the real problem was towering over the table in a trench coat and fedora in thirty-six degree heat.
Also a white laptop with a cursive L on the screen, hooked up with speakers and a microphone staring him in the face.
At that moment, Kyon started to feel the familiar dropping of his stomach directly related to Haruhism phenomena. The sinking weight anchored on his stomach lining when he recalled seeing that L font in the media, what with the recent ongoing pissing contest between Interpol and the mysterious killer giving them the metaphorical one fingered salute. He sighed despondently, and slouched, resisting the urge to rub a hand over his face. "Asahina-san, Yuki, what's going on?"
Nagato Yuki looked up from the truly enthralling 'Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, Other Species from Pekopon and Related Satellites', and flickered her attention briefly onto his face before returning to her reading with a slight movement of her shoulders. Yes Yuki, thank you for that succinct analysis.
"Um, well..." Asahina started, pouring him a cup of tea. "Watari-san here wanted to ask us about something." She gestured to the screen.
"Actually, I'm L." An electronically scrambled voice replied. "My colleague present with you is Watari."
Asahina rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "Sorry." She lifted her teapot and hefted it towards Fedora Watari. "Tea?"
Meanwhile, Yuki had started reaching for the keyboard. She was probably intending to remove the voice scrambler before Kyon grabbed her wrists, shaking his head frantically. She blinked once.
"The audio appears to be unclear. For purposes of clarity, it should be fixed." She explained, as though the one who truly did not have a grasp on situation was Kyon.
He simply returned her hand to the cover of her book firmly. "Let's just hear them out first." And if you unscramble the voice, I'll have an aneurysm.
She looked at him uncomprehendingly before dropping her book into her lap. "That is acceptable."
Kyon glanced at Koizumi s serene smile and carefree self on the end of the table next to Yuki, and inwardly scowled. Gee, thanks for helping me there, you smarmy bastard.
Kyon turned towards the screen with a put upon face. "And? What would you like to ask us, uh, Mr. L?"
"I'll be frank with you then." The electronic voice crackled. "I suspect a member of your brigade to be the notorious murderer, Kira." A shuffle of clothing and the creak of a chair was heard before the voice continued. "I have calculated that there is a 0.012% chance that your leader, Suzumiya Haruhi, is murdering criminals from afar." Three pairs of eyes blinked and one eyebrow twitched. What kind of ludicrous percentage is that?!
"Uh," Kyon said, putting up his hand in a stop-right-there movement. "How would she do that?"
"That information is classified." The voice crackled. Asahina looked put out at having her catch cry stolen.
Kyon pointedly took a long drag of his tea to collect himself, and then set it back on the desk.
"Although she has a maniacal laugh and an unholy gleam in her eyes, I hardly think Haruhi is capable of killing people from afar. Even if they were criminals." Kyon stated reasonably. Well, it's not like she couldn't, but... "Do you have anything to support your hypothesis?"
L's voice scrambled from the speakers after a pause, in which Kyon thought he heard some plop-plop sounds, as though someone was dropping rocks into water. "From logical deduction, Kira's actions are juvenile; thus placing them in the mental capacity held by teenagers. Their course of action leads me to believe they are both naiive and outrageous. For them to execute these murders so well, it also falls upon themselves to be genius strategists, or at the very least, extremely cunning--"
...Right.
"Uh, that's all well and good. But there s nothing that really singles Haruhi out as Kira." Kyon interrupted.
An audible slurp sounded through the speakers before the voice resumed. "They also have a high probability of being psychotic, spoilt rotten and possessing a God complex, or believing themselves to be God."
Huh.
At that point, Kyon help up a hand and called a time out. He herded the brigade members out of room into the computer clubroom next door, conveniently empty (probably Haruhi's doing). He closed the door gently and got straight to the point.
"Right, is there some sort of relation between this L guy and your respective organizations?"
"Negative." Yuki answered. "Although he is a computer, the Data Entity would never send an agent that would make themselves so publicly known."
There was a pause as the others processed the ludicrous statement. Kyon often forgot how out of whack Yuki was with the rest of the world, but thank goodness she reminded him well and often of how much of an alien life form she truly was. He would have clear up this whole internet mass communication thing with her though.
Asahina shook herself out. "Um...another slider wouldn't come into contact with me like this, I don't think. I haven't heard anything about it from my comrades either." A pensive look appeared on her face. A"lthough I thought Watari-san seemed a little familiar..." She went on, furrowing her brow.
Asahina-san, you're thoughtful expression is so cute. Kyon couldn't help thinking.
"Although it appears as though he has telepathic abilities, he's definitely not from my agency either." Koizumi said.
Kyon rested his chin on his fist. "Hm, so how did they even find out about this club anyway?" He muttered.
Asahina tilted her head. "The website maybe?"
Kyon started. You're telling me someone actually visits that excuse for a webpage?
"Anyway, what exactly are the odds of Haruhi being Kira?" Kyon asked.
"Well, she is God, so it is likely if she wanted to kill people, especially criminals, she is technically able to do it without much more than a passing thought. She moulds this world to her liking after all." Koizumi reasoned.
"But, Suzumiya-san doesn't seem so malicious that she thinks about criminals dying so often." Asahina countered.
Kyon very much doubted Haruhi's grasp of international affairs at any rate. Not to mention she doesn't take note of anything that doesn't interest her. Haruhi still doesn't know the names of half of the homeroom class, much less the names of international criminals. Yet there was still some thought niggling at the back of his mind, something that made his gut feeling believe Haruhi did indeed have something to do with this current predicament.
"Impossible." Yuki snapped her tome closed. "The Data Entity has recorded no significant change made to the Earth as of late that would indicate her involvement."
Kyon's probe of his mind was unsuccessful at turning up any solid evidence other than the odd feeling that he had heard something from Haruhi recently that indicated otherwise, so he was forced to about face and return to the Literature Clubroom.
As they reentered the room, L declared his business done, and his new calculation of Haruhi's probability of being Kira to have risen to 0.024%. What the--it increased? How?! You didn't even meet her!
They escorted the laptop and Fedora Man from the room, declaring that Haruhi was definitely not Kira, but promising if they did find any leads about who Kira was, they'd post it on the website. Before L was packed into his carry case, the disembodied voice parted with a warning.
"Whatever you may believe, I still suspect Suzumiya Haruhi. I am not able to do anything about it until I obtain some concrete evidence, but have no doubts; I will be investigating this brigade very thoroughly."
After that ominous remark, they exited with some trouble due to the door's locking mechanism. Kyon glared balefully. I still don't know what you came here for and what you accomplished, but you piss me off. It was almost enough to almost make Kyon sic Yuki on L's system, but he reigned in his irritation as Asahina poured him another cup of tea and Koizumi set up the Go board for another relaxing afternoon in the club where he still had no idea what they actually did. As they were deciding who was going to be black, Haruhi's initial introduction speech rang through Kyon's head.
I have no interest in ordinary human beings. If there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, or ESPers here.. come join me. That is all!
Wait. Hold on.
If there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, or ESPers here.. come join me!
No, there was more to that list now. Haruhi had altered it slightly on the recruitment poster for the club, but what did it say again? Kyon wracked his brain for the new addition, the cogs and gears slotting into place as the clubroom door slammed open with a triumphant bang.
"Minions! We have a new member of SOS Brigade joining today!" Suzumiya Haruhi thrust a good looking boy forward and started waving her hands around. "That's the Vice President, Number One, Number Two and Number Three. You!" she slapped the newcomer on the shoulder. "Are Number Four! Ok! Time to plan the initiation! Kyon, if you come late, you're buying lunch!"
As the wheels started to turn inside his head, Kyon finally remembered Haruhi's amended list on her latest campaign posters, featuring not only Asahina and Haruhi in a bunny girl outfit, but also Yuki and disturbingly enough, Koizumi as well.
If there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, ESPers, or megalomaniac psychotic justice crusaders bent on ruling the world... come join me!
Kyon almost hurt himself swiveling to meet the newest member's gaze, catching his introduction at the same time. Wicked sharp eyes met his.
"Yagami Raito. How do you do?"
For some reason, Kyon imagined hearing the crunching of an apple core and a truly gleeful cackle. He pinched the bridge of his nose and held back a grimace.
Oh, come on. Give me a break already.
-end.
Written so, so long ago. I'm proud of a few ideas and stuff in here, although my tense misusage makes me cringe.