Winding down...
It finally hit me yesterday how nervous, scared, nostalgic I am.
I was shopping with my parents for all the college clothes necessities & I'm going to miss them so much. Despite everything, I love my parents and all they've done for me, not to mention all they will do for me. And idk, it's just sad. I hugged my mom for the first time in a long long time and kissed her. And I felt so sad.
And I go to school and I'm sad. All the friends I won't see again, maybe won't even keep in touch with due to who-knows-what circumstances and I already miss high school. That's not something I thought I would ever feel, but alas, I'm feelin' it.
But I think all of this sadness is propelled by the uncertainty of college. I have NO CLUE how well I will handle and adjust to Duke. I won't even get started on fears of not fitting in socially or having a difficult time w/my roomate or the academic rigor and how I will rise to meet the challenge or just be left in the dust by all those smarter than me. It's hard not to doubt myself and my abilities or intelligence when I see all these people - not that they're for certain amazing, but at least they look fabulous on paper and sadly that sometimes gets people farther in life than real abilities. And even if it is the real abilities that count in life and not personal connections, what do I have to offer that no one else has?
I am the most horrendous competitor ever and the future is beginning to look more and more like a Lord of the Flies situation where if I don't get competitive, I'm squashed. But I'm terrible at competing, I always lose. And the hardest thing about all of this and the upcoming transition is that I'm not special or unique. On one hand it's relieving to know there are others like me and that I can find solitude and solace in their friendships, but on the other hand, I want to be and to mean something no one else can be or mean...And I don't know if I can. For the first time though I'm glad I'm not going to major in English or creative writing because then if I fail, I'll be dejected because my "talent" has be rejected, deemed not good enough. I feel so foolish, all this time thinking I have a way with words, when really, so do everyone else. It's terribly arrogant of me to say so, but I've only recently realized I'm not so amazing...
It doesn't mean I'm just going to give up and be defeated though. I'll reach for my personal best and I want to have a fun time doing it. I want to add meaning to my life. And even if I fail in whatever endavors I embark on, people who really love me will still love me.
Gosh, it's all so frightening and haunting.
It's life.
It's only hit me that well, I'm living. I'm one of them...whoever them is.
I know all my little statements always portray me as a pessimistic, bitter old hag, lol. But for those who know me better than that, I thank you for seeing all the optimism bubbling beneath my words.
It's all so weird and I'm oh so lost.
But it's a good thing to be humbled and know that you aren't any more special or deserving than any other person...right?
------
Despite everything, I REALLY REALLY hope that Duke will be the time of my life and depression, i mean major depression won't hit me.
I almost envy all your juniors out there - still another year in the shell!
I was shopping with my parents for all the college clothes necessities & I'm going to miss them so much. Despite everything, I love my parents and all they've done for me, not to mention all they will do for me. And idk, it's just sad. I hugged my mom for the first time in a long long time and kissed her. And I felt so sad.
And I go to school and I'm sad. All the friends I won't see again, maybe won't even keep in touch with due to who-knows-what circumstances and I already miss high school. That's not something I thought I would ever feel, but alas, I'm feelin' it.
But I think all of this sadness is propelled by the uncertainty of college. I have NO CLUE how well I will handle and adjust to Duke. I won't even get started on fears of not fitting in socially or having a difficult time w/my roomate or the academic rigor and how I will rise to meet the challenge or just be left in the dust by all those smarter than me. It's hard not to doubt myself and my abilities or intelligence when I see all these people - not that they're for certain amazing, but at least they look fabulous on paper and sadly that sometimes gets people farther in life than real abilities. And even if it is the real abilities that count in life and not personal connections, what do I have to offer that no one else has?
I am the most horrendous competitor ever and the future is beginning to look more and more like a Lord of the Flies situation where if I don't get competitive, I'm squashed. But I'm terrible at competing, I always lose. And the hardest thing about all of this and the upcoming transition is that I'm not special or unique. On one hand it's relieving to know there are others like me and that I can find solitude and solace in their friendships, but on the other hand, I want to be and to mean something no one else can be or mean...And I don't know if I can. For the first time though I'm glad I'm not going to major in English or creative writing because then if I fail, I'll be dejected because my "talent" has be rejected, deemed not good enough. I feel so foolish, all this time thinking I have a way with words, when really, so do everyone else. It's terribly arrogant of me to say so, but I've only recently realized I'm not so amazing...
It doesn't mean I'm just going to give up and be defeated though. I'll reach for my personal best and I want to have a fun time doing it. I want to add meaning to my life. And even if I fail in whatever endavors I embark on, people who really love me will still love me.
Gosh, it's all so frightening and haunting.
It's life.
It's only hit me that well, I'm living. I'm one of them...whoever them is.
I know all my little statements always portray me as a pessimistic, bitter old hag, lol. But for those who know me better than that, I thank you for seeing all the optimism bubbling beneath my words.
It's all so weird and I'm oh so lost.
But it's a good thing to be humbled and know that you aren't any more special or deserving than any other person...right?
------
Despite everything, I REALLY REALLY hope that Duke will be the time of my life and depression, i mean major depression won't hit me.
I almost envy all your juniors out there - still another year in the shell!