Things that make you go "FUCKIN JESUS CHRIST MUTHERFUCKER AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
ok so I finally just couldn't take another period. Niether could my long suffering girlfriend, poor sod.
So I found a doctor (rigamarole and a half, god the NHS really drives me round the bend here. I much prefer the canuck system of socialist medicine). Who then said
"IUS. it gets put in on the thrid or fourth day of your period."
"today is my third."
"well if you want to think about it-"
"NO. my period actually terrifies my now. I'm on codine, antinflmitories and valium and I'm still curled up into a ball crying with a hotwater bottle. no. now."
"well tomorrow at 3:30 then."
"thank you!"
"erm... perhaps you might want to take an IBprophen and one of those valium before you come in."
this is where I forget to translate british euphemisms.
well you know how doctors say "this may cause some discomfort" and it fucking hurts?
well, they say stuff like that, cept it's "you may be a bit uncomfortable."
she said "there is an local if you have trouble with cervical pain."
"I have trouble with cervical pain."
"it's over quite quickly and the anesthetic takes half an hour"
"I have a LOT of trouble with cervical pain." (my doc at home used to spry my cervic with xylocaine before doing any kind of poking or scraping around cause I go through the fucking roof)
"I'll be quick. you won't need it."
she was quick, I'll give her that.
I'm on the table, it's about 38 c in the office (sorry don't know farenhieght. lets say it was around 98 or so cause no one believes in air con here) and she says
"ok... now you might feel a little uncomfortable"
she then rams a little ruber tube about half as thick as a macdonadls strack through the hole of my cervix into my womb.
"JESUS FUCK" everything spins for a second and she says...
"just a sec I dropped something... I'll have to get another..."
"am I done? is that it? is it over?"
"no... just one more thing... em..."
you know that "this may be uncomfortable" means it hurts like fuck? right?
well the next thing she says to me is
"ehm... so... take a deep breath and ah... just...well... grit your teeth"
when an english doctor tells you to "grit your teeth" it means
"I'm going to do something to you thats akin to chopping off your left leg. there's a brave soldier..."
so I almost rip the light fixture off the wall above me, scream blasphamy that I'm sure can be heard downstairs in the waiting room and am completely unable to think.
"ok. all done."
I sit bolt up right and jump off the table to put on my clothes to run out. automatic reaction to pain. I slid under a car once and I crawled out, lept up, jumped on my bike and cycled away as fast as I fuckin could. brain shuts off, fight or flight takes over.
midway through underpants, everything goes to the right and yellow spots fill my vision and I wake up on the floor with the doctor picking me up and laughing and telling me that now isn't the time to take off just yet.
anyway.
I was flat on my back for four days. today is day five. It feels like my cervix went into cage fighting match and lost.
they've given me pain killers for women who've just given birth.
my uterus is telling me "THERES SOMETHING IN HERE GET IT OUT GET IT OUT" by spasming ans squeezing and generally screaming it's brains out.
I'm starting to feel better though.
shit. I'm not even sposed to be on this thing, I'm runnning late.
anyway if anyone has had an IUS implated I'd like to ask some questions. No it's not the IUD.
http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/23069136/